Tsagrednerp [Sah - gred - nerp]

Posts from the new BB

2012-01-22T14:13:00.001-05:00

I'm terribly self absorbed. I like to analyze my feelings, look into myself and try to work on those issues within that prevent me from getting to happy. This tends to sometimes bar me from reaching out to those closest to me to find out what may be happening in their lives.

Five times out of 10 I will ask usually I wait for you to tell me. Hate forcing people to share when they aren't ready to. This I've found is something that has changed as I've grown. When I was younger I was all about putting me last because that's what I felt my position was. That mind set has definitely changed. Apart from my Mom, my happiness comes first. My sanity comes first. It has to or I will never survive.

This doesn't mean that I don't care about people or refuse to aid or assist in any way I can. It just means that I can still help, I can still be there for the ones I love while keeping a piece of me for me. I find that a lot of people either throw there all into someone, shit I've been guilty of, or they don't give a fuck about people. It's a crazy balance that you have to find for your own life.

It's an interesting journey trying to figure out who you are as a single entity. It's also misguided to think you can really know who exactly you are being really young. Youth is meant to be enjoyed and mistakes are meant to be made. We discover as we go along. The person you think you are now is not the same person you're going to know in 5 years.

It's a difficult thing, this growing up. People often use the term to mean becoming more responsible. Fuck responsibility. Growing up is just getting older. There is no average age for anyone to stop learning things or developing their personality.

Life is too fucking short to live by anyone else's rules and you have to pay attention or you will miss it.

In short - love yourself first, love others and never stop learning.

Posts from the new BB

2012-01-06T02:24:00.001-05:00

Please remind me never to watch 'Brokeback Mountain' again. I think this is my fourth viewing and I break every time. Every time. My heart breaks, my spirit is weak, I'm just shattered. Thoughts of who I am and the dreams I'm choosing and the dreams I've given up on run through my mind. I guess everyone goes through the same. Or not. Loads of people don't connect to stuff like that and that's fine. For me though I always gain something from the message, from my tears.

I don't want to wait 20 years stop and look around only to realize that my dream deferred is nothing more than a memory. I don't want to hide who I am. I don't want to say 'I wish I had...' I never want to live that life. I need to stop watching this movie.

I'm snatching up every opportunity I can find this year. Volunteering, trips, more writing, more freedom, more everything. Above all else this movie is an embodiment of it CAN be too late, be who you are, love who you love, follow your dream today because tomorrow is not promised. Damn I can't stop crying I'm def going a few years without seeing this one again.

Posts from the New BB

2011-12-13T13:05:00.001-05:00

Did I mention how better off I am single? Because seriously it's the best state to be in. For me at least. I won't lie and say it stinks to have someone because it doesn't stink. In fact most times it smells wonderful. Being single is just awesome too and if you aren't with the right person then a relationship can feel like a bear trap.

I miss the intimacy of sex though. It's hard not having someone to share that with. Masturbation is only good up to a point and porn is just so boring. I like my freedom but I don't do casual sex and if I have any type of relationship with someone I don't want them to go outside the relationship for anything. I'm not into polyamorous relationships either because I can get insanely jealous and that just wouldn't work for me.

Dilemma!

I like long distance relationships. There's something about someone being far away that works for me. I would not have to see/talk to them everyday. I could see them only a few times a year and we can have our own lives while maintaining something stable. I like learning about other cultures too so that works out great.

I did a search online once trying to find a dating site for people who specifically prefer long distance or are only able to pursue long distance relationships. Found nothing. Prison sites mostly. o_O Yeah...no.

Maybe I'm just being picky.

My name is L-O-N-E-L-Y

2011-12-07T05:40:00.001-05:00

Sometimes I wonder if love is really worth it. I seek it. I seek love and acceptance but I wonder if the heartbreak I experience along the way is really worth it. Worth the time, the effort, the sheer physical and mental energy you expunge to get it, keep it and try not to let it turn to shit.

I'm tired of looking though. It's getting to a point where it just seems like all the effort I put out there's nothing being reeled in. I love me, I've had to because it I'd my life and if I waste it thinking about bullshit I'll never experience anything. But I'm so tired of searching for love.

Why's it so easy for some? Dudes see me as another homie. I don't want to be anyone but me...

You know what I'm tired of my own bullshit. The lyrics to one of my fave songs if you've never heard it look it up.

Where I Wanna Be - Donnell Jones
I said I left my baby girl a message
Sayin' I won't be coming home
I'd rather be alone
She doesn't fully understand me
That I'd rather leave than to cheat
If she gives me some time
I can be the man she needs
But there's a lot of lust inside of me
And we've been together since our teenage years
I really don't mean to hurt her, but I need some time
To be alone

[Chorus 1]
But when you love someone
You just don't treat them bad
Oh, how I feel so sad
Now that I wanna leave
She's crying her heart to me
How could you let this be?
I just need time to see
Where I wanna be
Where I wanna be...

Sweet little dee-do-dee-dee...
I don't mean to hurt you, baby, oh, no, no...

[Verse 2]
Never did I imagine
That you would play a major part
In a decision that's so hard
Do I leave, do I stay, do I go?
I think about my life and what matters to me the most
Girl, the love that we share is real
But in time your heart will heal
I'm not saying I'm gone
But I have to find what life is like
Without you

[Chorus 1]

Sweet little dee-do-dee-dee...
I don't mean to hurt you, baby

[Chorus 2 x3]
See when you love someone
You just don't treat them bad
Oh, how I feel so sad
Now that I wanna leave
She's crying her heart to me
How could you let this be?
And I just need time to see
Where I wanna be

Where I wanna be...

World AIDS Day

2011-12-01T10:11:00.001-05:00

Another day I wish we did not have to denotate but for those who are unaware December 1st is World AIDS Day. I cannot reiterate enough how important it is to get tested and to encourage others especially young people to get tested. Knowing your status and being safe can save so many lives. Save your own life by getting tested. Save the life of a friend, encourage them to get tested. HIV is truly not a death sentence but we should all try to live our fullest life without ailments or sickness. Let's stay safe and make conscious informed decisions.

The Jamaica AIDS Support provides free and anonymous testing services so there really is no reason to stay ignorant of your status. HIV/AIDS is a prevenatble disease that kills millions of people every year. Let us be mindful of those persons who have gone on and honor their memory by doing our best to live a happy, healthy, blessed life.

Estimated HIV prevalence and deaths due to AIDS in the Caribbean, as at 2009

Country	Living with HIV/AIDS		Deaths due to AIDS during 2009
Country	All people	Adult (15-49) prevalence %	Deaths due to AIDS during 2009
Bahamas	6,600	3.1	<500
Barbados	2,100	1.4	<100
Cuba	7,100	0.1	<100
Dominican Republic	57,000	0.9	2,300
Haiti	120,000	1.9	7,100
Jamaica	32,000	1.7	1,200
Trinidad and Tobago	15,000	1.5	<1,000

It should be noted that the above figures are estimates and are made with a large degree of uncertainty. For example, the number of people living with HIV in the Bahamas is estimated as being between 2,600 and 11,000.

Source

Posts from the new BB

2011-11-16T20:36:00.001-05:00

'Truth about Cats and Dogs' is one of my all time favorite movies. It's one of those fluff romantic comedies from the 90's that really resonated with me. Mostly because around the first time I saw it I was going through a really rough time. A time when being anything but conventional was disregarded.

I mean sure you can argue that pitting Janeane Garofolo and Uma Thurman is kinda two sides of the same coin because they were both beautiful women. To me though I got the message of the story. Suffice it to say this movie may have been the start of the process and journey I'm on with loving myself as is.

This movie was terribly significant as well because I had a sort of 'Truth...' Moment in real life. In the movie the protagonist Abby/Donna has a 7-hour phone conversation with the guy, Brian, she's interested in. At that time in my life, as with most teenagers, most of my relationships were maintained by phone. This one particular dude I actually met on the phone, my friends and I prank called his number and we struck up a conversation.

Now this guy, let's call him Dudley*, and I decided to have a private conversation. He was about 17/18 years old to my 14/15 and we seemed to hit it off really well. He was really nice and we spoke about a lot of things and laughed about bullshit. It was a fun night. We were on the phone for hours. After hours of convo we decided we should meet up in person.

I was and still am really shy so I was hesitant and nervous about meeting him. Eventually I agreed and at my acquiesance he said something like,

"I want to kiss you so bad. I'm going to kiss you when I see you."

Now 15 year old me was swooning. He was complimenting on my voice and telling me how great I sounded personality and voice wise and he couldn't wait to meet me.

So cut to maybe a week later I did what I now call 'The stupidest fucking thing I could have ever done' I went over to his house. By myself. Without telling anyone where I was going or who I was going to be with. Trust me. I know.

I arrive at his house about mid-morning. It's hot as hell I'm sweating and I have on what can only be described as middle aged Jehovah's Witness attire i.e. long grey skirt and a cotton T-shirt. My hair's in a bun on top of my head and I'm giving 'sweaty chubby girl going to sabbath later' realness. So I'm already uncomfortable.

I'm nervous as hell but not scared aka stupid. Dudley was adorable, very cute in a nerdy I wear glasses and like chemistry way and so very tall. I could tell though that as soon as he saw me it wasn't happening. He tried hard not to let it show though. I hit him with some sarcasm cuz you know...I'm an idiot and it's my go-to response. He let's me in and I sit on his floral couch thinking,

'I wonder if I'm gonna get raped? What are you doing bitch? Thought he was going to kiss me...*sad face*'

I notice he has a picture of his Mom and sister and I compliment them saying how pretty they were and then there's awkward silence for maybe 30 minutes when he 'remembers' he has to bring his car to the mechanic.

To tell the truth I was kinda relieved because since I figured out that there would neither be a kiss involved nor him turning the fan on during this hot ass day I say great just bring me home. We drive in almost silence to my house and during the drive I'm looking at everything but this dude who totally rejected me seconds after seeing me. Finally we arrive at my house or at least close to my house I told him to let me off within the general area so that no one I knew saw me getting out of this car driven by some dude they didn't know.

I think the worst part of this fucking disastrous day wasn't even this whack ass motherfucker it was the fact that once I was home there was no electricity. *womp* It was the MIDDLE OF SUMMER!!!! In Jamaica! I don't know how I survived the heat of that day. I literally just sat on my stoop looking forlorn and to the sky wondering if I could buy one of those hand held fans.

I laugh at this now but then I was pretty hurt. Especially by he fact that he didn't call me back nor did he answer my call the one time I called him after our meeting. There were no dogs with roller skates or any expressions of love from some British guy but I learnt a hell of a lot about myself and about how stupid one can be. He was cute though.

* - Not his real name

You and your bullshit

2011-10-20T14:51:00.001-05:00

Lovely patronizing tone (as usual) when it's heavily apparent I haven't spoken to you for weeks. Months actually. Not concern I'm sure, most likely exasperation. Let me see what could it be that you may want? Another boyfriend checking your account? Want me to shut it down. No that's fine, I'm fine oh right you didn't ask. What else? You want some credit sure no problem no I'm not so fine...right I keep forgetting you haven't asked. Oh wait a text message...aren't we speaking? I should laugh it's that fucking hilarious but I've found my funny bone has departed and all I'm left with is an unsympathetic, insensitive bitch sending me messages. Shit don't get me wrong I'm a big fucking bitch but not to you. Never to any of you.

I was actually interested in your life, invested putting 100% getting 50% but at least I wasn't alone and I could pretend that my life didn't suck as much. Doesn't matter now because with the advent of this lovely year comes amazing clarity. I'm clear as fuck about me and what I want out of life and with every passing second with every plan I make and every dream I aspire to I think about your endearing enthusiasm (HA!) And say fuck you. I'll do it anyway, my way because you've always intimated I couldn't. You aren't there. You're never there. That's crazy to me. But I care less and less about you and your bullshit.

Posts from the new BB

2011-10-14T06:08:00.001-05:00

I made a bucket list a few months ago. Not very detailed just some of he major things I'd love to do before I die. As 'be somebody' by Kings of Leon plays in my ear it's very fitting for the thoughts I'm currently having. I don't want notoriety, I've never wanted fame (fortune yes). I just want to be somebody to somebody.

My Momma loves me to death. I'm her second baby and her favorite. She never birthed me but she made me possible by having my father. He's her love and I'm her favorite. Our places in her life can never be superseded. She spoiled and spoils us as best she can. This is the life I want for my kids. I want them to know they are the most important person to someone. I don't ever want them to feel neglected or unloved.

Thought about getting married for the first time ever today. Marriage feels like a trap to me, but I seriously thought about it today. I hope to one day find someone who I can tolerate for more than a week at a time and vice versa. We'll have kids (hopefully) and adopt some kids and teach these kids to love themselves and others. To be respectful of everyone and everything and to be strong, smart, educated, theory challenging people who someday may change the world or just change their world.

Above all else I hope my kids are happy. I know I'm dreaming of a fairy tale. Marriage takes work. Raising children takes work. Being happy well adjusted human beings takes work. But I thought of marriage today to the right person and I added it to my bucket list. I guess I feel up to the challenge.

Year of sick Tsagrednerp

2011-10-10T10:17:00.001-05:00

This year hasn't been the best for me. I've made countless trips to the doctor with different ailments from ear infections, at least 2, food poisoning, at least 3 times, migraines that won't quit after medication, back pain, now the craziest sore throat I've ever had and I've had laryngitis before.

The worst part is my doc told me to lose 25 pounds 3 months ago. I've gained 4. *whine time* I hate working out at home, except for yoga and I'm much more productive at the gym. Blah blah blah.

I hate being sick though because I have no control over it. I can't control the pain, the coughs, the fever any of it. Can't control any of it and that's where my problem lies.

That's just physically. Mentally I've been all over the place. The problem with being so close to your team mates and team is that when you're not able to back them up, when you're not able to be there then you feel guilty. I hate feeling anything much less guilt. I have no choice though, when I'm sick.

Another trip to the doctor today and another sick day logged plus blood tests on Sunday. Feels awesome. *cries*

Posts from the new BB

2011-09-29T17:25:00.001-05:00

I love watching old movies. Movies anywhere from 10 - 60 years ago always get me. I feel more connected to them. There's a message in there but I'm too tired to figure it out.

I watched 'Love Jones' for the first time today. I liked it. I can see it's appeal especially at the time when it first premiered. Lord the men were fine as hell in it too. What I got most from it was that these people were adults having adult relationships. Leading complex, complicated and fucked up lives.

They make mistakes and often don't learn shit from it. They had conversations. Movies really lack conversations. People talk at people in movies not to them. There's usually no back and forth. Just one monologue and single word responses. I miss that a lot in my real life too.

I loved the hesitation and the fear. I really liked the movie but the story is what you make of it. The movie just is just that and people may not get anything from it. You learn your lessons from what resonates with you I guess.

I'm 25, still very young and I'm looking forward to 26. I'm 25 and I'd like to have a conversation.

Delicioso!

2011-09-18T13:54:00.001-05:00

Look at that. Seriously look at every muscle, the lips, the eyes, the dick prints! *swoon* In order of their appearance we have Eric, Eduardo, AJ, David and Le Trung Cuong… *licks screen* All these beautiful specimen can be found at Queerty’s Morning Goods section or just click their names to go directly to their page. Today is a good day.

Guess what’s back?!

2011-09-18T13:26:00.002-05:00

It's been ages since I did a Queerty Knows Best or a Weh Yuh Mean? segment on this blog. I know, I know what a travesty. I mean who hasn't been feeling a lack of gossip and hot men in their lives? The void is huge and is about to be filled. YES LORD!! Let's do a little gossip first then masturb…uhhhh peruse the deliciousness later.

· If you know me you'll know what I'm starting with right? Who else but Vybz Kartel and his new reality dating show "Teacha's Pet". Weh Yuh Mean? The Teacher himself has a new reality show coming to local televisions near you and me where he has 20 local and international girls living in one house vying for his affection. Weh Yuh Mean? I've had many hilarious discussions with friends and acquaintances about how much I am really anticipating this train wreck of a show*. This show can be no good but as is the theme of reality shows both here and abroad the worst it is the best entertainment it is.

· Beenie and D'Angel. *sigh* *deep sigh* Now these two have been in and out of the press before during and it seems after their failed attempt at matrimony. Weh Yuh Mean? Beenie Man is the people's champion, Jamaicans love them some Beenie Man. To me Beenie has always been the most drama filled artiste, most of which he generates himself. I think he believes that this is how he stays relevant. I have no respect for LA Lewis but Beenie and LA are on the same boat with regards to generating foolish drama. I would find this situation hilarious if I did not find it so fucking tragic. D'Angel showing up to Bounty Killer's, her ex-boyfriend who would disrespect and beat the crap out of her, birthday mixer rather her husband's is very telling of what she holds as most important. Weh Yuh Mean? Drama, Drama, Drama by a bunch of queens. Kinda over it.

· This year's season of Digicel's Rising Stars has been tres disappointing. Weh Yuh Mean? The crop of contestants this year, save a few, has been pretty bad. Only in the last few weeks have the few talented performers been stepping up and giving more than sub-par performances. My pick for winner this year is Latty J. I like her stage presence, her style and her sound. She doesn't overdo it but she gives 100% to her performance and makes each song her own.

· There has been a new crop of very well produced local TV shows lately. Weh Yuh Mean? Very surprised at how well edited, well-rehearsed and well produced they are and gives me hope for shows in the future. Namely Guinness Sounds of Greatness and In the Dance, I find that I don't roll my eyes as much when I watch them and actually enjoy the programming.

· My tune of the moment is "Street Hustle" by Specialist (Magnum Kings and Queens runner up) I can't get the repetitive chorus out of my head and who nuh love banana chips?

*I'm always the first person to say how much I love to see Jamaicans on TV, on one hand yes I love to see my countrymen getting the spotlight but on the other hand it's usually a barrel of laughs seeing Jamaicans on TV making up words and speaking in accents for countries that have yet to be discovered.

Check next post for some Queerty Knows Best. *bites lip*

Post from the new BB

2011-09-11T19:31:00.000-05:00

I'm not thinking about you* and your bullshit so...

What I am thinking about is why I'm sipping cranberry juice and wine trying to drown myself and not think about why I'm so scared to go there with this new dude.

TMI time. Last time I had a first with someone it came to an abrupt halt. His hand was touching me everywhere and when he finally reaches down for what I'm thinking is my jay** his hand just hits belly. That's fine I mean I have a belly a big one so *shrugs* it's expected. What totally got me out of the mood was him continuing down my body and still hitting belly.

Like I wanted to laugh out loud. It was so fucking funny to me. Totally broke the mood for me and though he persisted and persisted and I was like dude this aint happening. In that hilarious moment I became crazily self-conscious. All I could think about was the fact that he and his baby arms couldn't find my jay.

HAHAHAHA!!! As I write that and the wine's finally kicking in I'm laughing my ass off again but in all seriousness I don't want that to happen with this one. I like this dude and I haven't had a first anything with him. We've kissed a few times and that's been great but I find myself staring at his gorgeous face thinking 'this won't end well'

In the heat of the moments we have had he's told me he likes my boobs...a lot. Well who doesn't really? But along with those magnificent treasure chests comes never ending belly (apparently), back rolls, thunderstorm thighs and fat arms. A body I happen to appreciate and like but I don't know how he'll react.

I have no qualms about kicking dudes to the curb who can't handle this but I really like this one and even though all signs point to him liking it there's still this niggling doubt in the back of my mind that's screaming to me that he'll never find my jay.

*you - the bullshit creator
**Jay - as in Va-Jay-jay

2011-08-21T23:10:00.001-05:00

I damn near lost two of my friends over the last few months. One we just grew apart. Grew very differently. Sure I could've been a better friend. She damn sure could've been a better friend to me. We just grew apart and we're still friends, I still love and want the best for her but for right now it's not happening and I'm working on it. Working on being there without being there but it's hard. So difficult. Especially when I lost the other one. I completely lost her.

She isn't there any more at all. Gone from my life. My friends are my family. She's my sister and it's almost like she's dead. I feel her loss. I hurt. She hurt me without looking back. That's the hardest to accept. I was there no pretense and who I was seeing, who I connected with was a fucking joke. Playing tricks on me like I'm some pawn. A joke to her I wonder. My sister. My sister tore my heart out and just left. There is no us there.

So I'm sitting here drinking half a bottle of wine crying and swaying not sure what this day turned into. I spent the day thinking 'God today is great' I feel lost right now. No idea where or who to turn to. Trying to figure out why I'm crying. Trying to figure out how to feel better about my life, about me. Trying to come to terms with yet another loss of family. Another limb torn off. My sisters. How foolish of me to think, back then, that we'd be forever family.

Once more I'm left trying to figure out why my family finds it so easy to leave me. To be without me. Am I so expendable? Am I so terrible? I'm trying so hard just to be. I'm trying so hard just to be. I'm trying so hard just to be. I'm trying so hard just to be. I'm trying so hard just to be. I'm trying so hard just to be. I'm trying so hard just to be. I'm trying so hard just to be. I'm trying so hard just to be. I'm trying so hard just to be. I'm trying so hard just to be. I'm trying so hard just to be. I'm trying so hard just to be. I'm trying so hard just to be. I'm trying so hard just to be.I'm trying so hard just to be.I'm trying so hard just to be.I'm trying so hard just to be.I'm trying so hard just to be.I'm trying so hard just to be.I'm trying so hard just to be.I'm trying so hard just to be.I'm trying so hard just to be.I'm trying so hard just to be.I'm trying so hard just to be.

Posts from the new BB

2011-08-04T08:05:00.000-05:00

Say what you will but relationships at 22 are not the same relationships at 30. Here's the thing when you're looking for commitment at that age you're looking for stability that I doubt you'll find. The older you are the better you are at being in a relationship.

Call me a cynical bitch if you must but the relationships I want now are based on me having lots of fun being with this person and having amazing sex. I'm not about to start fantasizing about children and marriage. Are you kidding? I want to be with someone because it's fun to have them around. Fun to be around them, we can fulfill those goals we have now which is to enjoy our 20s with as much gusto as possible.

Carpe diem isn't just about bungee jumping and skydiving. It's about living your best life at that time in your life. Seize that day don't waste it trying to make marriage happen at 22 or babies happen at 25. Fuck those responsibilities for now and stop, stop prophetizing seeing yourself married to some dude you met 8 months ago. It may happen, sure, life is unpredictable but when you're 29 the likelihood of this being the girl or dude you'll be with is slim. Slim to none.

Shit happens and falling so completely can only hurt you and make you more weary when you're older. But then again maybe I'm just a cynical bitch.

I have a problem

2011-07-17T22:37:00.002-05:00

I'm not a dainty girl. I'm a big strong girl who makes mistakes and fucks up and isn't afraid to say 'fuck up'. I'm far from dainty but I find myself blushing when I get a text. And smiling for no reason.

My latest interest is asian. Of chinese descent he said proudly. He's 6' 1" and thin. His smile is crazy beautiful and he kisses like it's the end of the world. He thinks my dimple is adorable and that my sarcasm is hilarious.
He shares my HP love (see previous post) and doesn't laugh when I say something stupid.

He curses along with me and makes fun of my Immac girl accent. He thinks my shyness is endearing and likes to hang back and people watch in corners with me. He squeezes my ass when we kiss and says I taste like chocolate truffles.

He knows it's been a while and hasn't pressured me into having sex. He calls me on my bullshit and tells me to stop the fuckery... I guess you see where I'm going with this.
I have a problem.

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows

2011-07-15T20:14:00.001-05:00

I wore witch earrings as a brooch. This is how serious my love for this franchise is. Some people dress as characters, some buy wands and dress robes and owls and every marketable tool they could find to show their allegiance.

I wore my witch earrings as a brooch and lady bugs in my ears and I cried when Harry was in the forest. Like a baby. Because I remember reading the words and dying inside as Harry walked to his death. Not knowing he would live on. So brave.

And I cried when Snape met his end. 'Always.' Oh Snape. So tragic. And I felt for Tom Riddle in all his madness and his ruthless endeavor to live forever, to never feel, to live without love and companionship. Without feeling like you were wanted in this world. I know that feeling well. I felt for Tom Riddle.

Oh JKR, you made an adolescent experience so rife with confusion and self doubt so bearable. Beyond so. Made it more so. Taught us to value those things which ground us. Friends and family. People who would be there 'until the end'. Of course I cried. Of course I'd feel that it was more than a movie. It was the end of an era for me. Maybe in 15 years when I'm reading them to my children I will relive every moment as if they were new. I will read about the boy who lived and I will live again.

Posts from the new BB

2011-07-14T23:31:00.001-05:00

I'm trying to understand where you're coming from and where my animosity towards you is coming from. Don't get me wrong there will never come a time when I don't love you but there are a few instances I find I don't like your fucked up attitude.

I am trying to be as open as I can because like me you don't take criticism well. You don't want any mirror on you until you are ready to see it. One of the reasons I barely say shit to you anymore because you'll take it as an insult. So I take potshots instead. Those you understand, those you value, those you can embrace and process.

It feels like the tides have shifted so crazily. My depression had me using you as my source of everything. I was so dependent and damaged. I needed a crutch, needed someone to keep me sane and alive. You were there for me when the tides were roughest. You may not know it but countless times you saved me from ending it. Just by being yourself. Being this amazing person who was there with no pretenses and no judgments.

I wonder if she's the real you or is this the real you? I don't like this stranger bitch. But I could use her again. What do you require of me? To stay in the background? I can do that, couldn't then but I can now. I don't know my position in your life anymore and once where this would cause me to hyperventilate I find I'm just wondering what you need of me to help you breathe.

Posts from the new BB

2011-07-06T09:40:00.001-05:00

So my homie says she doesn't feel attractive. What?! All my friends are beautiful, beyond gorgeous. This is what I've always thought and I'm not alone in thinking that. For years I considered myself the 'ugly' friend and doubted my place among them because they were so beautiful.

They aren't just beautiful outside either but they are total sweethearts (most times) inside too. I find it amazing that she would say this. I never knew this was an issue for her because her confidence has always been something I envied. Battling with confidence issues I would seek to emulate her, try to gain her secret and through her especially I found my own confidence. Through her support and praise I've grown considerably.

Everyone has doubts about some aspect of themselves and mostly it's an internal battle that may take years to win, it's a marathon that will undoubtedly see you fall but as long as you get back up you will eventually have the strength to finish. Sometimes it's a never ending battle but where you are in that race determines how fast you shake it off and get back up.

It's weird that I'm essentially giving advice about self acceptance because I haven't won my own war but there are so many battles that I have won with myself that maybe someone who isn't as far in their journey may get something. A few years ago I was a mess. A fucking mess. A serious fucking mess. Life, I discovered, is just the most amazing thing we're given and we only have one shot so if I fuck it up I have nothing left. So I keep getting back up after every fall, after every ripple of self doubt, I just keep getting back up.

So to my homie*, bitch I love you to death, you're beautiful beyond words and you're amazingly smart and witty and funny and kind. Don't ever doubt that and if you do just give me a call or Ping me and I'll spend an hour telling you how stupid you are for thinking anything else.

I love you ese.

Post from the new BB

2011-05-25T19:28:00.001-05:00

The message of not being a mistake, of my life being worthy of me being worthy is the biggest lesson I'll take from Oprah's show. So as I sit here crying and thinking about this message, about the clarity I feel as she says this, drills it into me and so many other persons who like me have never felt it, who have lived their lives thinking that they were the biggest mistake ever made. It's the best lesson anyone could teach me.

I'm going to share this in a space where I feel safe. When I was younger maybe 6 or 7 my Mom had to work one Saturday and dint feel safe leaving me at home on my own so she left me for a few hours with her brother's wife and kids. There were 4 or 5 of us a mix of boys and girls, some in their teens, all older than me at the time.

They told me they wanted to play a game, wanting to fit in I said yes. They never told me what the game was at first and I was the last to go. They went into a room and locked the door so I couldn't see. At the time I felt apprehensive, I told them I didn't want to play this game but after telling me that everyone else went I decided to do it.

In the room they told me to lay on the bed face down, so I did. I don't know which one and I can't remember how many but I remember them laying on my back and grinding their bodies onto mine. I remember laying there thinking 'This doesn't feel right, this isn't fun.' So after a few what felt like hours but were really only minutes I think they wanted to take it further. That's when I put my foot down and said they can do whatever but I'm not playing anymore.

I left them and spent the rest of the time there by myself, thinking and not thinking. Just waiting for my Mom to come get me. I don't know what they did with each other, I never asked and I didn't care. The next time my Mom had to work on a Saturday, I told her I didn't want to stay there, she asked me why. I didn't have a reason I just said I didn't. I mean I was 6 what was I going to say. It was only just recently that I even came to terms with the fact that I was abused. she never let me stay there again.

Just sharing this is the first step. I know it could be a lot worse and I thank God everyday that I had the sense at the time to stop whatever it may have escalated into. This is a lesson I must learn from, I must remember that it wasn't my fault. I did nothing to encourage their behavior and my stopping them shows how strong and smart I really am and have been.

I wish I had said something at the time. I hope it never happened to anyone else, I hope that my silence didn't hurt anyone else. I'm speaking out now though. I'm silent no more.

Posts from the new BB

2011-05-21T23:21:00.001-05:00

I wrote about feeling sexy the other day. Feeling sexy in your own skin, loving yourself and everything else would fall in to place. I truly believe this.

You certainly don't need anyone to validate your feelings about yourself or any living thing. Your thoughts opinions and judgments are your own and should stay that way.

Today I felt really good about myself. I went to work in my skinny jeans and a tunic that I love. I felt it and my confidence was high and I was strutting. I thought I looked great.

I understand the rules of attraction, not everyone you're attracted to is going to be attracted to you. I understand this. Sometimes I wonder though, I feel good about me. I'm happy with me, I like being single (contrary to what I may have written in a moment of weakness) I like who I am and where I am. I am realistic though and never stagnant so there are things I want to achieve, things I'd still like to achieve but for now I'm good.

Why do I feel like I'm the only one noticing this?

Posts from the New BB

2011-04-24T22:09:00.000-05:00

I don't know what skinny feels like and I'm not certain I want to. I've always been fat and bigger than most I meet and though I have my issues with my weight, my size has always been comforting and comfortable.

I feel strong and grounded. I like to feel my weight, know my impact. I have nothing against anyone who wishes to be thin or is naturally so, to each his own and I would never judge another persons decisions or judgments.

I like to feel the roundness of my hips and arms and I smile and give them a rub because I love them and they're a part what makes me but the aren't my entirety. So many pieces to this puzzle my body isn't even the half.

Being fat is a powerful statement for me. I'm taller and bigger than most and I feel like an amazing amazonian goddess and whoever can't accept that well that isn't my problem.

I can't see myself skinny and truly I don't know if I want to, I am fat and it's a part of my identity and I revel in it. I don't hide from it and I don't let it define me.

I can't say I'll never lose weight maybe I will maybe I won't but I'll always be fat. Fat and happy with it.

Posts from the New BB

2011-03-20T12:51:00.001-05:00

There is nothing like discovering that you are in fact a grown up. Or at least your friends are grown ups and you're watching them change and become adults with responsibilities. Sure I have a job and I have my own responsibilities but I'm not maintaining a steady seemingly long-term relationship nor am I awaiting the birth of a child. All things my closest friends are currently undertaking.

It's an odd experience. I'm tryin to envision what life will look like in a year. Will there be a wedding? Will there be another baby? New jobs? New homes? I'll be the first to admit I don't share much of my life with my friends any more and vice versa. I don't know really what's happening in their lives right now. We've grown, not apart, but up. It's not the most important to share every detail of each moment of our lives. I kinda miss that closeness we once had.

Growing up forces you to come to the realization that your friends also have other friends. This used to be a scary concept for me because me and my abandonment issues used to think that them finding new friends meant that I'd be out of the picture. I've since learnt to accept this as just another part of the journey and I've found new friends too.

I still miss us though, I miss laughing out loud and sharing similar realities. Time changes everything. So at 25 I sit here waiting to welcome the newest member of our group. Baby Junes will be here soon enough and even more grown up things are to come. Wondering if I'm really ready...ready as I'll ever be I guess.

Posts from the New BB

2011-03-20T12:50:00.001-05:00

I've never been thin. In fact I've always been the fattest and tallest almost in all of my classes from basic school all the way up to high school.

Notion that fat girls are uninhibited, desperate, pathetic and depressed has never been my reality. I have fat friends who are beautiful, confident and amazing. I can't say I've ever felt this, I've never felt beautiful and I'm not overly confident, but living in their reality allowed me to see that it does exist.

Eventually though I realized that wanting to be someone else was cheating me of a life so I accepted that I would never be beautiful and I've accepted that I am just who I am.

I have only recently discovered the size acceptance community and recently accepted that you can be healthy at any size. Whether society likes it or not as long as you're healthy and happy that's all that matters.

I once held the notion that if only I weighed 160 lbs then people would like me, if only I were pretty then my parents would never have abandoned me and I would have a boyfriend and I would be happy. It's been a few years since I've totally divested of that foolishness. I can't make people feel anything. I can't make someone love me and whether I'm 268 lbs or 90 lbs they're going to do and be whatever. I cannot control that and I should have never tried.

Take me or leave it doesn't matter to me. I take me forever and ever.

Posts from the New BB

2011-02-23T13:20:00.000-05:00

So I'm planning a trip to San Francisco to see Adele in June I called my friend up to ask if she'd be interested in going. I knew she'd say no. I wouldn't have to ask about that. This once though I kinda wish she'd given it more than the one second it took her to say no.

I always say that. I never confront her about it though because I have to respect her space, her decisions and that her journey isn't mine. It's hard though, journeying alone. So I'm sitting here wondering if these tears are real emotion or just what I think I should be feeling. And It don't matter cuz she doesn't read my blog anyway.

Sometimes it hurts instead...

2011-02-18T11:46:00.001-05:00

I can't get this song out of my mind. This is 'Someone like you' by Adele off her new album "21". Watch her perform it at the 2011 BRIT awards below or click here here.

It's a beautiful song beautifully done by the is amazing talent. I'm not in love or anything but I'm feeling this somewhere deep inside.

Posts from the BB

2011-02-18T05:44:00.001-05:00

I'm not looking for you to kiss my ass but I'm also not looking for you to be completely indifferent to the shit I do. I support you but i'm no sycophant and the fact that you only told me your opinion after I expressed something similar pisses me off.

I'm a creative person, there's a lot of things I want to do, places I'd want to go but I tried thinking of one friend who'd be willing to be in a crazy photo shoot for me on a beach or in an old house or in the bushes...ok fine it sounds crazy but I've got some really good ideas but there's no one who'd be willing to participate.

I'm planning a really big trip for April of 2012. A trip to Europe. I can't be deterred and I know I can't force anyone to go with me because I am well aware of how expensive it's going to be. My friends have basically backed out and I totally understand...at least I'm trying to understand. The selfish bitch in me is screaming that no one does the shit I want to do. The good bitch in me though is fine with it because it's not a part of their journey.

It's a big part of my journey though. I took a look at my bucket list and have realized that at 25 I haven't done any of those things. I'm scared to complete them by myself but my friends are journeying on a different path and it's time for me to man up and grow some balls as my homie Axela would say. I have to live and that means with or without them. It's so hard.

Posts from the new BB

2011-01-30T21:36:00.000-05:00

Being sexy isn't necessarily an art one has to learn. If you've got a significant other they already think you're sexy. That's not to say you can't keep it lively in the bedroom, kitchen, laundry room, car...etc. If you don't have a SO you can still be sexy without even trying too hard.

My sexy is in my heels, the higher the better, and a pair of shorts or a little dress and I'm swaying to a really good song. I swish those hips and move to that beat. I get lost in that dance and it's been known to cause quite a stir...My sexy is me feeling sexy to myself and loving it. My crush's sexy was his smile. It didn't show up often but when it does, damn...it's panty dropping time.

I hate that the term 'sexy' has an image of some big tittied white girl with nought but a string in her ass. Sexy is about sensuality and a positive body image no matter what size or shape you are. Sexy is in the way you walk and talk and smell and listen and dream and believe. It's all those things and it's intimacy and happiness and love.
Sent from my BlackBerry® device from Digicel

So what do I do?

2011-01-29T18:23:00.002-05:00

I had a friend from work ask her friend if she thought she used men only for sex. I chuckled a bit because well I had been contemplating the same for a little while. Sure I already tried to have a friends with benefits arrangement that just exploded in my face when I realized I didn’t want to be having sex with someone who could call out someone else’s name during coitus without fear of repercussion. That isn’t me. It’s not the life I want for myself. I tried I really did and it was fun for a time, but once that orgasm faded all that’s left is someone you’re not attached to, someone who may or may not be thinking about checking Keisha and Dawn later and tomorrow.

I turn into an asshole when I’m in a relationship though. Like I become a simpering mess. At least that’s how I felt the last time I was in one. When I mentioned this to an ex he told me how far from the truth I really was.

“You guard your feelings like the best soldier I’ve ever seen. Hard to get close to, hard to know what you’re really thinking or feeling. Felt alone a lot of the time.”

Damn.

I don’t think I’m that way with my friends. I tend to smother them… In my head though I’m thinking “Don’t be a burden, don’t get too close, don’t make them see too many feelings because they’ll take advantage. Don’t get hurt.” Just the riches I carry with me from my feelings of abandonment from my parents. You know the normal shit. The shit I’m trying to be better than. Trying and failing it seems.

I thought we were going well up until those last 2 months or so and I had all intentions of using that relationship as a foundation to make the next one better. Now I don’t know. I can’t have a FWB kind of thing because it just doesn’t work for me. I can’t do real relationships either apparently because I have no feelings. Ok fine I have feelings but they’re the size of the Grinch’s heart before he met Cindy Lou. So what do I do?

Post from the new BB

2011-01-17T18:56:00.000-05:00

My homie is pregnant. She's gonna have a baby this year and honestly the first thought that ran through my mind was 'I'm not ready.' No need reminding me that I'm not the one pregnant. No need to remind me that I won't have any major responsibility when it comes to this baby. The first and only thing that comes to mind nowadays is about me.

How am I going to handle it? How will this affect my life? Should I avoid this/be a part of that? I'm so self absorbed, I've closed myself up in a box that just cannot be opened...at least until baby sweetness came into my hemisphere. It's not my baby but I feel some responsibility, not much but some. The baby's already my favorite person, how is that possible for someone not yet born and in someone else's uterus?

Honestly I'm not ready for a baby and I think 24 is young but that's for me, my homie can handle it and I support the choices she's made. She'll be a great Mom and I can't wait to be Aunty Tsag.
Sent from my BlackBerry® device from Digicel

Let's have a toast...

2011-01-10T12:49:00.002-05:00

Oh well for the morose I’m doing a Weh Yu Mean? post today because it’s looooong over due. As a side note never compromise who you are for someone else. It’s a lesson some of us only need one lesson in and others need an entire semester. You are amazing, remember that. I will definitely try to. If this works I’ll do a Queerty Knows Best later if not I’ll find something else to post.

Weh Yu Mean?

If you know me at all then you know EXACTLY where I’m headed first. Addijah ‘Vybz Kartel’ Palmer. I…When….I don’t even know where to start. What possible chemical allows a man to turn from onyx to citrine cannot be healthy for you? Weh Yu Mean? The man Sammy Sosa the ting and then had the AUDACITY to sing a hook saying ‘Cool like me wash me face wit the cake soap…’ Now tell me… Along with being more than surprised by his sudden pigment change I was also shocked at the initial response of his peers, fans and non-fans alike. There was no response. No one said a thing. Sure Kiprich tried, I repeat tried, to respond with a song that I refuse to look up the name for but his efforts failed when people started asking ‘What is a Kiprich?’
It seems the initial shock must have worn off though as members of the dancehall community are now poking their heads out of the ground to utter hilarious, contemptuous and disgusted comments about his pigment change. Weh Yu Mean? Bounty Killer spewed his few…Did you see that ER interview a few weeks ago? Baby Cham kept silent about it but Bounty as his moniker suggests was bountiful with the comments, quips and remarks. Bounty the interviewee is PRICELESS. Aidonia has also given his $0.02 which seems to be less about the bleaching and more about…well who cares? Over the past few weeks Kartel has been responding to both overt and whispered comments 9can you believe he was on RAGA? Ummm….) Of course Kartel has responded he loves the sound of his own voice. The interviews have been AMAZING!
I heard Sting flopped. Weh Yu Mean? I didn’t go so no skin off my back. I heard that both Beenie man and Sizzla showed up, as usual, and gave really good performances. I cannot name one ’new’ artist right now giving as amazing stage performances as those that have been in the business for years.
I-Octane had one of the best years in 2010 and he’s one artiste I find will most likely stand the test of time. Weh Yu Mean? He had hit after hit and closed the year with a big endorsement deal from Digicel… he was headliner at a few shows and he’s not stupid, he’s a conscious artiste but still fun and he’s not arrogant. That’s kinda what we’re looking for in our entertainment. At least I am.
Why can’t I stop singing ’My unni bunch, my unni bunch…’ Weh Yu Mean? Vybz Kartel’s Christmas ‘carol’ ‘Like Chrtistmas’ feat Sheba was one of the better things to come out of 2010. Hilarious, unintentionally so of course, always unintentionally.
Where is Busy Signal? Why is Mr. Lexx trying to revive a currently non-existent career? Why the Christmas/New Year so boring? Will Buju address his stint in the slammer at his hotly anticipated return to the stage in Miami? Are Beenie and D’Angel still together? Weh Yu Mean?
It felt great writing another Weh Yu Mean? after so long. Look out for new updates.

Posts from the new BB

2011-01-10T10:27:00.001-05:00

Curious…very curious. As I speak with my homie Axela about my friends not meeting my last boyfriend, I realize I never met any of his friends either. In fact we didn’t do much for a while there. He lived out of town mostly and though I’d visit most times we did nothing more than stay locked up in his house for days. Sure one could argue that because he was so far away spending as much time as possible with each other was uppermost in our minds. This can explain the times he lived out of town but what of those times he lived within Kingston?

We were together for a few years and during my college years he lived down the street from my university. Thinking on it now I guess I kinda knew he was hiding me and our relationship and I went along with it because he was there and he wanted me and I was happy. I loved him and I thought he loved me. In the end I just knew that our infidelities were not the only reason for our break up. I was just blaming us ending on the fact that trust was lost, but hey we never really had trust to begin with. He was hiding me and our relationship. Sure I met his Mom and some of his family and they were nice I guess I used that as the crutch to dispel my suspicions but I knew. I knew and I let him have his way because he was there and I was happy and I felt like someone wanted me. Wow. I am so disappointed in myself. So angry at myself because I thought I was stronger than that, thought I was a stronger person and in some ways I am now but this just shows how flawed I still am.

I was just repressing these feelings, hoping to save myself the heartache. You can’t run or hide from your problems I should have figured that out by now. Now I am wondering if I should confront him about it? We’re still friends, whatever that means. Should I? Or should I let him and this fucked up relationship go and move on in the direction that I want my life to go. I don’t want someone who’s going to be afraid to be seen with me or afraid to have his friends know thata we’re together because I’m better than that and better than him. Using this opportunity to better myself not as a means to get depressed, that alone shows growth. I am glad.

Post from the new BB

2011-01-09T07:08:00.000-05:00

It's a new year and other than some birds and fish dying and being broadcasted over every fucking news channel that ever existed, it feels the same. I'm happy to announce that I didn't bring my crush into this year. It was nice while it lasted but it ended as it should. It felt great to have a crush again. Allowed me to feel as young as I am. Allowed me to re-visit all those feelings I used to have.

Tired of lonely saturday nights. Last night was prolly the most boring I've had in a while, nothing to watch, nothing to do and no one to talk to. All my friends have significant others, well if not all most. I don't nor do I really want that. I'm happy being single right now, I truly am. It's just a bore though when there's nothing to do.

Sex is secondary. If I needed or wanted sex I could get it anytime but I'm over casual sex. No matter how many fantasies I may or may not have, casual sex holds no appeal for me anymore. And since I have no current intentions to be in any relationships I'm pretty much celibate for 2011. Celibacy is in right?
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Posts from the new BB

2011-01-04T20:19:00.000-05:00

I wrote the previous post a few weeks ago and decided I might as well post it. Ah well...kinda hot right?

So it's a new year! Happy new year! I'm as happy as I can be, happier than most, healthier than most. I have to be thankful for that.

Be happy, be great and be blessed.

Live, Love, Laugh.
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Post from the new BB

2010-12-28T06:07:00.001-05:00

It's the swoon. That sigh when you see them after an absence or when they smile, laugh, speak, move, cough...I know you know what I mean. It's their smell and walk and general carriage that make you swoon.

They make you light headed and sway because it overwhelms you. Takes you by surprise. That swoon you're just not ready for it. That involuntary reaction to the person you're really feeling.

I'm crushing really hard right now. Crushing mighty hard and uncertain how to continue, how to transition from crush to potential suitor. Uncertain if I should even make the attempt. Thinking I should count my winnings and let this infatuation play itself out. I've pretty much reconciled with the fact that it really will never happen. Seeing him everyday though throws a wrench in the plans to murder the crush. I also made the, I realize now, misguided decision to tell my friends. They won't let it drop so I can't let it drop.

Oh the swoon. It takes me over when I see dude smile and laugh and generally be himself. Wish I didn't have these feelings, makes things so complicated. One sided love affairs suck.

Posts from the new BB

2010-12-26T09:07:00.001-05:00

Christmas Day was spent at work having laughs with friends and co-workers, then at home reconnecting with family. I am amazed at how big my younger brothers are getting and my baby sister is super tall and super spoiled...just like me I guess.

My cousin brought her kids and they're getting big too. I'm not too big on family. The only family I've really only known is my Momma and that's mostly all I've needed. Christmas is the time we all connect though and that feels fitting, feels right.

My friends tell me I'm an adult now...Lord knows when that happened. Celebrating being an adult by doing what I want and being who I am. I love me and I discovered this year that I really like me too and that's all I ask for right now.

The year is ending and it has been a good year, a year filled with many trials, many failed expectations, may laughs and many blessings.

Be blessed, be happy.

Posts from the new BB

2010-12-26T08:28:00.001-05:00

Written December 24th
---------------------------
It's Christmas Eve. Where are you tonight? I'm in pretty much the place I was last year...different house, different mindset, different me. Maybe its not exactly the same. This year I have a crush on a coworker. This year my friends are still that but the number has dwindled. This year I've made a concerted effort to be less of a punk and more of an adult.

This year I dont give a fuck what you want from me, this year I take less bullshit, this year I like myself more.

Posts from the new BB

2010-11-24T13:56:00.001-05:00

Is 25 the age I must hit in order for it to hit me? I'm wondering cuz I've been trying to figure out when exactly I'm supposed to find that place where I create my path. Right now this path is creating itself without much input from me.

So much to do, so much to see. So much I want to, got to do. When do I make the definitive plans? When exactly do I start getting serious about it? When does it become more than guesses? Educated guesses sure and in my world surety is better than uncertainty any day of any year.

I talk about having guides. I don't want anyone to tell me what the fuck to do. I don't respond well to authority. I'd rather someone tell me that life sucks and you just have to work through that shit to get what you want and none of it is ever easy. My Momma is just trying to survive long enough to be able to stop working and I don't have anyone else. No one who's lived anyway. My friends are becoming and doing their own thing. I just leave them to it and try to be there if they need me.

It's different from what I used do which was sit around waiting for them to include me. I was dependent and that life sucked big time. Living for someone else is no living at all and I'm so glad I woke up.

Post from the new BB

2010-11-24T13:36:00.002-05:00

I kept saying if he knew me, if he knew me, only if he knew me, things would change. He would see how beautiful my eyes look and how great my laugh is or how my glasses ride down my nose…Things I love about me, so would he. Unfortunately life never works out that way. He never noticed me in high school, he damn sure didn’t notice me in college and he’s not noticing me now.

Only after I wasted so much time did I realize my efforts were for naught not because they didn’t notice me but they never really mattered. I was obsessed with the notion that someone could and would willing love me because I never felt that, not from a dude anyway. That paternal love is missing and I’m running to these bobble headed boys/men in search of it.

Until it’s resolved I’m going to be doing the same motherfucking thing over and over and over. I’m not sure how to escape the cycle. I don’t love these men, I love him and can’t get that from him. My father, that’s the him I’m always chasing. The him I see maybe once a year and I have so many emotions going through me that I only let anger surface. I only want to feel anger because to feel anything else would overwhelm me, would break me.

I don’t want to be the first to reach out. Once I do that means I’ve lost what little edge I had. What little control I have. I’m his child and in my mind, what I want for my reality is for him to reach me. Him to tell me that he always loved me, wanted me, wanted to be there but just didn’t know how to. Didn’t know how to love me didn’t know how to be a part of my life but he’s willing to try. I can’t be the one to do it first. I want him to atone to me. Maybe I’m being selfish and I think about it all the time what if he were to die, where would that leave me. Chasing regrets for the rest of my life.

I’ve written about him, written my life about my loss of him. I felt like I never had him, and knowing him has just felt more hurtful than not knowing him.

I can’t keep chasing that, it may never come and I need to come to terms with that. Mourn the death of it or it will haunt my days for the rest of my life. Better said than done.

It's been far too long

2010-08-22T17:39:00.002-05:00

Not too long of an introduction I'm gearing up to do a Weh Yu Mean? and Queerty Knows Best segments. I threw in some !!Hot Guys of this Day!! just for kicks. I've seen a few movies but I could not realistically give reviews for my Movies I Saw Last Week section because I don't remember most of them. Sad but true. So let's get it...
First up Weh Yu Mean?

Beenie and Bounty are frenemies again...at least for now. Weh Yu Mean? As is usual every few years or so these two veterans come together and say 'Peace'...at least for now. Sharing a stage at 'Fully Loaded' recently usually a strictly Alliance event where Beenie has been booed in the past. As a fan of dancehall music I have seen these two battle and reunite more times than can be counted. I love when they fight because the interviews and songs are HILARIOUS! It's also good to see them put whatever differences aside and unite in a culture where feuding is the norm.
Ele, Ele Elephant man. Is it the construction of the citrus sherbert house on the hill that is emptying your pockets? Or is it the fact that you haven't really had a big hit since Whoppy kill Phillip...and Phillip dead long time...? Repossessing the Benz? Is the monstrosity of the Big Bird Range gone too? Weh Yu Mean? Artists will never learn. Before you set up a nice fixed deposit to ensure that when all the red and yellow dyes finally destroy the cells that allows you to leap tall scaffolding you have a little supm to fall back on. What about the elventy seven kids you have? Are they taken care of? I mean log on and jook gyal money muss done by now right? Do better Ele.
At a recent event for work the man of the hour himself showed up and performed. A coworker of mine tapped me on the shoulder and asked 'Who dat?' I wondered the same as Mr. Palmer reeled off hits in an electrifying performance. Kartel how you brown suh? Weh Yu Mean? The man come pon stage and brown nuh rahtid, no explanation just..."OH...' I about DIED! The nigga brown man is still the only thing I have running through my mind. This is not the same person who brought us gems like 'Tek buddy gyal' Is a different braces clad, charismatic, crazy, hilarious genius (let's debate another time).
Is this young creation from God supposed to be copying Lady Gaga's 'Paparazzi'? Weh Yu Mean? Don't ask me what the rest of it is supposed to represent. Niggas be niggas every damn day.
All this back and forth about Usain not focusing and blah blah blah...I don't want to see him fail, none of us do and I hope he takes some time to refocus his efforts. Weh Yu Mean? He's young though 23/24 and truly I barely know what the hell I wanna do with my life and that's pressuring enough much less having every single eye on your back some wishing good, most wishing you fail. It's crazy responsibility and it's crazy pressure I just hope he comes back next year bigger and badder and faster with more focus and more success.
Does the fact that the SLB board members stepped down mean that my interest rate goes down? It's hilarious to me that this lady was allegedly such a tyrant that everybody feared her. Weh Yu Mean? Something about that just hits a funny bone. Her abuse of power to get resources is just a reflection of the many, many companies and corporations that are corrupt from the top to the bottom. She just got caught.
Dudus is gone. I can't tell you that I feel any safer or any better. My wish for our little island is prosperity and longevity. We are a proud, strong and amazing group of people and foerever and a day I will always, ALWAYS say Jamaica, land we love.

So on to the next one we've got a stirring (in the nether regions) episode of Queerty Knows Best coming up...I recommend you be in your bed with a glass of wine and a free hand....you know for scrolling down the page. Right...scrolling down the page. ENJOY!

Kenneth

Le Min Hieu

Nitin

Parker

Piotrek

Ryan

Stelios

Good God Almighty! I moaned through the entire process of choosing these pics. Mmmmm...scrumptious! Ok so each name brings you to the guys page over at the Morning Goods section of Queerty. NSFW but TSFD...

So I've got two !!Hot Guys of this Day!!...Daniel Ilabaca and Tom Hardy. Both of whom I have fantastic fantasies about instead of working. Without further ado...

!!Hot Guy of this Day!! January 23, 1988 - Daniel Ilabaca

Daniel ~ Meaning: God is my judge, Origin: Hebrew
!!Hot Guy of this Day!! September 15, 1977 - Tom Hardy

Edward ~ Meaning: Derived from the Old English Eadweard (wealthy or fortunate guardian), a compound name composed of the elements ēad (prosperity, wealth) and weard (guardian, protector). Edward is a royal name, having been borne by three Anglo-Saxon kings and eight kings of England
Thomas/Tom ~ Meaning: Twin, Honesty; Innocence, Origin: Aramaic, Hebrew

TSFD - Totally safe for drooling

On a Roll

2010-08-22T12:51:00.003-05:00

I'm on a motherfracking roll! I feel the blogging spirit again. I'm in a zone. I don't usually do posts about International pop culture because Lord knows it's overdone but I will post a few of my thoughts on some recent happenings. I will also post and link to the AMAZING {AMAZING} coverage of the test screenings for Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows that took place yesterday in Chicago. I stopped breathing for a few seconds, it's INTENSE!

LOVE Emma Watson’s cut. So very cute but it made me a little teary eyed too because I realize that HP is really coming to an end and soon. I glad the rumor that she cut it for the 'Girl with a Dragon tattoo' movie wasn't true (hopefully) It's nice to think she just wanted to cut her hair. She's young, she's pretty. All is good.
Jennifer Aniston’s Harper’s Bazaar shoot was beautiful. She looked gorgeous and seeing the comparison shots of Babs along with it reminded me of how beautiful Barbara Streisand was too. We’re terribly short on interesting faces on TV and on big screens. I can’t tell half of these young ‘starlets’ apart. They're carbon copies and I fear for the state of Hollywood when every girl's gotta be size -1/2.
With so few actual movie stars that matter it’s refreshing as usual to see Julia Roberts. I still get a chuckle remembering the ‘Who’s Natalie?’ bit from last year's Globes because I saw that live and I could not stop laughing. LOVE HER! That smile is infectious. I can’t say I love her enough to go see ‘Eat, Pray, Love’ though. The name is total Rossum (Too perfect, too romantic, cringe worthy sentiments, I use this in everyday life)…I just can’t. I was pleasantly surprised that people thought along the same lines as me. The reviews weren't horrid but they weren't great either.
Saw ‘Salt’ and I enjoyed how ridiculously good and bad it was. I was entertained and I actually got a few surprises. Side Note: Have you seen the USWeekly photo of the kids at the pool? Complete white wash (as usual) all about Shiloh wearing board shorts and no shirt. She’s wearing a necklace and looks like Brad, I think it’s adorable…the minivan majority however oh they hate it.
Saw ‘Inception’ planning to see it again, to solidify my theories and again just to enjoy the movie. I loved it so. I saw it’s flaws and I was happy for them because it made it imperfect and for a concept and almost execution that’s as close to perfect as you can make it (nowadays anyway) I was happy for those imperfections. Perfect would have made our heads explode.
Also did you hear? New KOL on October 19. 'Come around Sundown' I get a little wet thinking about it. They have my heart. All of them. A friend told me and inside I literally melted, because I knew they’d be doing promo and that just means pictures upon pictures upon pictures upon pictures upon pictures…I could seriously go on but this is already longer than it needs to be.
My love for George Strombolopoulos knows no bounds, saw ‘The Hour’ last night and about swooned as he cheesed it up with Cypress Hill. Is it right that I get weak in the knees every time he says “It’s your boyfriend George Strombolopoulos”? I always pretend he’s talking to me.

Ok so let's get right to the most important thing. Test screening for Deathly Hallows Part 1 took place in Chicago yesterday and I almost screamed. I literally stopped breathing. Realizing how close we are to the end and how excited I am for these movies. A little bit of a spoiler below.

I have no shame admitting that I cried just a little hearing about Hedwig >>> especially after so much speculation and protest of Harry letting Hedwig go we learn that at least in the test he does die in a most EPIC way. HEDWIG! DOBBY!

I don't want to spoil it for you but if you want to spoil it for yourself visit Mugglenet (great in depth review with podcast which was awesome).

Expect another post coming up soon. I'm so glad I'm back.

Title pic -

Side Order

2010-08-22T12:29:00.001-05:00

The below is a piece I wrote and submitted for a women's newsp[aper journal. I didn't expect it to get printed the editor said she just wanted to see my writing style. I don't love it. but it's mine and I love that I had the balls to submit it.
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What is it about ordering that extra side of onion rings? Is that apple pie so tasty that you just can't resist? Knowing of course that it will be adding those extras pounds that you don't need. Is it the temptation of the forbidden, the allure of those few bites of heaven...? What is it about the side order that makes it so appealing?

The side piece, the man on the side, Joe Grind...sound familiar? Is he the tempting morsel that makes you feel wanted or is he the physical manifestation of a lack of faith and trust in your existing relationship? How strong is his siren call and why are you answering? The pull of that sweet song is what has pulled many a mariner to their deaths, many a relationships too.

Security. That's the reason I heard most for acquiring this particular side order.

'Makes me feel secure that there's someone else there if something happens to my relationship.'
'I don't want to feel alone'
'I'm keeping my options open'
'He does things my boyfriend won't'

I'm not surprised or shocked that so many of my friends and acquaintances have, along with their main number 1, an order on the side. I have in the past categorized it as a cultural thing but I've come to realize that by cultural I actually mean worldly it's evident in so many countries, so many lives and so many stories. Some may define these relationships as polyamory, participation in multiple and simultaneous loving or sexual relationships, but the women I've spoken with do not consider their side orders as 'relationships' merely as an extra not as a whole.

I could not glean any one reason that gives rise to these relationships and when asked about possibly dissolving the affair I got a very loud, resounding 'NO!' I also asked about attaining and maintaining monogamy with their main partner and one answer I received surprised me.

'When we're older we can think about that'

This is when I realized the error in my study I had only gained information from one age cohort, women between the ages of 22 - 26. Of course my results may be and as evidenced by my results are skewed so now I wonder are older persons immune to the siren's call? Is the allure too tempting for young people to resist or even want to resist? I guess I will ask again when we are older only time will tell if the order's are different.

I can admit that I have taken a few bites of those side orders in my own short life so my view is neither here nor there. I do know that the side order whether it be onion rings, apple pie, Jerome or Trey has an appeal that to some cannot be resisted and there are those who never try to resist the call of 'Anything else with that?'.

P.P. - Constructive criticism is one thing but being unsupportive is something totally different. I am unaware of what unresolved issues you have, I always believed that I was the problem but truthfully maybe I was wrong. I'm reconstructing my mind set, have been doing so for a few years but it seems you're the one caught in the throes of a misspent youth. I wish you'd come to your senses soon but its not my top priority to help you do that.

Title pic -

Past Posts from the BB

2010-08-22T12:26:00.001-05:00

Here's another little ditty I wrote. I'm scrambling through the craziness that's my email and phone to find them all.
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I do not know how to flirt. I do not recognise when someone is harmlessly flirting or flirting with a purpose. It confuses me when there's any type of flirting involved. 1. I'm horrendous at small talk and 2. It gets really awkward when I tend to turn IT on when the dude's only teasing. Awkward and embarassing.

What are the rules to flirting? I want to ask my friends all the time but feel stupid and immature. I don't get flirting. I understand the constructs of the games people play but I do not inderstand the theory and practical application. How does it work exactly? I know there's a thrust and parry but I can't get it all to fit in my mind as a cohesive construct.

This hinders me greatly. I'm already not the most social person so throwing in a concept that I cannot apply into a situation that I'm alrwady uncomfortable and we've got a disastrous evening. I do fine just being myself and sometimes, naively don't get why that's not enough. I've been seriously contemplating stepping my game up trying to estavlish new connections both platonic and romantic. Who knows what I may come across but it's hard to attempt that when I can't flirt.

Past Posts from the BB

2010-08-22T12:09:00.002-05:00

I've written posts over the past few months but have not been able to post because I don't have a computer and this site's blocked at work (where I regularly do my comp work). Since things are unblocked I'll be posting some stuff I've written.

---------------------------------------------------------------

The truth is that I do not want to have a relationship because as I’ve said previously I can’t handle another person in my life right now; I’m all ‘emotioned’ out. That’s the truth. It’s not the whole truth though. The other truth is that I want to be in a relationship. I get it. I’m contradictory and puzzling.

Spent a few hours with Eanehj this past Sunday, getting upset, being placated, being chauffeured, people watching, ice-cream eating, laughing, reminiscing, and living. It was fun and I tried really hard to live in that moment. Suppressed my innate and often overwhelming fear of the unknown, fear of the ‘what next’s. Left feeling as usual like there’s something missing from my life. I hate not knowing what that is. I’m trying to figure out what’s missing, maybe its companionship, or maybe it’s my purpose in my life. I don’t know I’m making this up as I go I have no one to guide me or go through it with me. No rudimentary map I can use. My momma is too old and from another era and my mother and father….I don’t know who they are and so I’m just trying to figure it out all by myself.

It’s been interesting and terrifying all at once.

I am someone who lives in her head. Both reality and imagination collide and I’m always calculating several scenarios of what may happen through a decision I make now. I do this so much that I forget to live in the now and I’m left dissatisfied with how I tried to control the moment and just let it pass me by. I’m always there, always living within that world of choices, always neglecting to live.

I’m still wondering who I am, constantly struggling to discover who is this bitch? One part of who we are is defined by those around us. Who do they think we are? I’ve been described as kind, nice, funny and smart. A few others have been thrown around but these are the four that fit into my own self description. I’m also mean, spoilt, selfish, manipulative, sensitive, friendly, introverted, reserved and unsociable. A little good with the bad but this doesn’t wholly define me. There’s no one who can truly define themselves, we’re far too complex for that but we can provide a very concise description of who we’ve come to know as ourselves.

If I live to be 100 years old I’ll have regret. The one thing I’ve never wanted in my life. I never want to regret but there are so many situations and decisions I’ve over thought and failed with the choices I’ve made. So many times I’ve fourth guessed myself and made a bad decision. I’m not an impulsive person and there were times I wish I were, mostly I just wish I had discovered more in my life. Been the woman my destiny denoted.

Let her be elevated

2010-05-15T16:43:00.003-05:00

I'm embedding this in my 'Visual Cliff' on the right. Listen, Live, Learn.

The Thickness - Jill Scott

Whoa!

She a big chick,

Big ol' legs,

Big ol' thighs,

Big ol' hips,

Big ol' ass,

Big ol' tits,

She so big!

Won't nobody even try to reach her mind

Age 14,

Eyes green,

Young tender, supple, and fine,

Hear them,

all those oohs and ahhs slip as she lick her lips,

Oh, they want to fuck her,

They want to rub their dicks on her precious clitoris,

They want to watch them big ol titties settle and part a bit,

They want to talk about it,

Tell it,

Spread it,

Relive the conquest,

How they beat on that ass and how the knock that shit,

Don't stop,

Won't stop,

To recognize that there's more,

More underneath that thickness,

That sweet and round brown young tender thickness,
Now they like her quiet and eager,

Sweet and meager,

Shhhhh!

Don't you complain about my other women,

Just drop that big thick ass on my stiffness,

Make me nut all up on your gut with the quickness,

Don't stop,

Won't stop,

Lift it,

Yea girl lift it,

Lift it baby,

Drop it again,

Cause I aint your tribesmen no more,

I aint your friend,

Come on girl just let me in,

Let me into all that thickness,

That sweet and round brown supple bigness,

Cause she so big won't nobody even try to reach her mind,

She's been degraded, exploited, NOT celebrated,

Saturated with self hatred,

Let me say that again please:

She's been degraded, exploited, NOT celebrated,

Saturated with self hatred,

Cause every time she turns on the TV,

What does she see? big ol' booty,

And it don't have nothing to do with the song,

Thus, her definition of beauty,

Oh, oh, oh Lord,

Oh Lord,

Let her,

Let her recognize the magnificence you've created,

Lift her,

Lift her,
Let her be elevated,

Let her be elevated,

Lord, Lord,

Let her be elevated,

Cause she is so big,

She so big,

She so big,
Let her be elevated,

Let her be elevated.

Posts from the BB

2010-05-13T20:12:00.001-05:00

My musical education began a little later in life than most people. Mainly because radio and TV weren't uppermost in my life. I mean money was tight so for a while I did without and when it finally happened I found myself trying to catch up.

For a few years in High School I pretended to know what everyone was talking about, pretended I recognized both local and international musician and musicians. Eventually I caught up with some but my knowledge has large caverns of empty space when it comes to popular music.

I've reconciled with the fact that I do have a lot to learn when it comes to music but I couldn't care less really about what anyone else thinks. I do this for me because I don't want to have missed out on good music, so I've spent many a hour watching, listening and reading up on acts and bands from the past getting caught up on what I've missed. Its hard though, rifling through the crap that people record but sometimes I discover a rare gem.

I also love discovering amazing acts that a lot of people don't know about. Makes me feel like they're just performing for me. Acts like Janelle Monae (who has/is being catapulted into stardom and well deserved too) Paolo Nutini (who's really big in Europe)

Where's this post going? I don't know my initial intention was to write about all the old Kings of Leon songs I discovered that are amazing (I did not know the 'On Call' was theirs). I love music, love musicians they're creativity blows my mind. I can't wait to continue my discoveries. So I guess I'm just gonna end it there.

2010-04-18T16:46:00.003-05:00

I asked him once
what he saw as he
slid from on top of me
Was he seeing my worth?
Was he seeing my girth?
Or was he lost in amazing experience
we'd just shared.

Did he see my sweat
or just my sweet...ness
Is it anything like his dream
his dream girl?
Has he already forgotten what we are like
together
those promises of 'you the best' and 'love it'
have they faded?

What is he seeing just above me
or below me
at the 126 degree angles
As I raise my head and whisper
Does he hear the implied 'I love you'?
What about the morning?
What evils does it bring
along with the light
as the cover of night
that masks guarded eyes
lifts.

I asked him once
what he saw as he
became apart of me
what visions came forth was we shudder
together.
"Life... I see life"

It's not perfect and
It's not what I expect
but what makes it memorable
is that he says it with this look
the look that makes me know
what Ive shared is reciprocated
i can rest
assured that this
love is just a beginning
THE beginning.

Posts from the BB

2010-03-12T20:19:00.001-05:00

At night we would watch the stars
And he would physically give me each and every one
I felt like cayenne pepper,red,hot,spicy
I felt Dizzy, Sonya, heaven, and Miles between my thighs
Better than love,we made delicious
He me had,had me he
He made me tongue tied
I could hear his rhythm in my thoughts
I was his sharp, his horn section
His boom and his bip
And he was my love

Excerpt from "Love Rain" by Jill Scott

What is it that you notice about a lovers body? I feel weird sometimes mentioning that I notice their hands. And shoulders. And waist. Its all gorgeous to me. The way they smile whether its naughty or sweet or content. Its the slight shudder when you nip their shoulder letting them know everything they're doing is just right. I don't know. Its about closing your eyes and only seeing their face, not having to imagine anyone or any vibrating thing else. Its the eskimo kisses and greeting the sunlight together. I don't want to feel embarrassed about what I've shared with someone else, or feel like I'm the only sentimental bitch around. I treasure those memories they multiplied that intensity for me. Seeing my exes happy makes me happy I'm not the jealous girl...ok not jealous much especially not over a guy. I just want everyone to be happy once that happens the worlds a better place. I miss the intimacies and the friendships but I don't miss the created drama or the insecurities. I miss seeing the shoulders in the morning. Miss the smiles. Miss the shared experiences. Miss our shared breath.

"Breathe You In" by Mia Carruthers

I am undone
A little rough around the edges
Hearing stories of the hours past
And the hour glass we raised
The one I tried to chase
We talk too much

A million words
Meaning nothing at all
Telling stories of nothing real
It's never how we feel
And they say time is how we heal

I can't see you can't breathe you in no
If I do I'd never leave again

Oh again I love the concrete
It's my city grass beneath my feet
And walks with strangers
Hundreds of years
My senior

It's not that I can relate
It's just the little things that make me hate
The age I am
And the way we are
And it all comes back to

I can't see you
I can't breathe you in no
If I do I'd never leave again

I can't see you no
I can't breathe you in
If I do I'd never leave again
Oh again
If I breathe you in

Written in Memo

2010-02-27T09:06:00.001-05:00

While washing plates and singing along to 'Blame it on me' by Chrisette Michele I thought about relationships (nothing new) and I came to a realization. One which made me laugh out loud thinking about it.

Here it is, no matter how much I may think I want a relationship with someone I truly don't have the emotional capacity to feel anything for anyone right now. Truly all I want is to hit it and quit it. I don't have the time, energy or even inclination to want to spend time with another person. Its so much work trying to mesh your lives, personalities and complexities. I talk about wanting the *love* but I'm perfectly happy with what I've got right now.

It was hilarious to me because I've always been the commitment advocate. Always been the one who wanted more than a mere fuck stop. I've become so cynical though that I've found myself not believing in my own bull. Maybe in a few months or years i'll feel differently but I can't see myself with someone right now. They'll get annoying, i'll get bitchy and sarcastic and what was 'like' turns into intense dislike. I don't want that. I'd rather just enjoy one ride on the roller coaster then we can move on. I just don't feel I can love that person the way they deserve to be loved.

This is kinda sad coming from me but I kept trying to think where will I put this person? Which part of my life can this puzzle piece fit and the answer was clear. The puzzle right now is complete and there's just no room for it. I see that puzzle piece as belonging to another puzzle, another lifetime, just not my life. I have so much else to worry about that I don't have time to worry about another person. I don't want an open relationship either. Emotions get involved in all relationships whatever the moniker and that's a tangled web that can lead to possibly more bullshit.

Of course I want some type of more than friend companionship but I know I can't handle it and I would never want to hurt someone else because of my current inability to give my all completely.

Also don't get it twisted I'm not talking about promiscuity or being unsafe. Always, always wear a condom. Be safe, be protected even if you're partner isn't prepared make sure you are. Remember STDs are and always have been preventable diseases.

Title Pic -

Photo credit

Officially...

2010-02-14T11:11:00.003-05:00

Officially I'm not in a relationship with another person. Officially it sucks sometimes to be single. Unofficially I am as happy as can be as I look at myself in the mirror and smile. Realizing my current love story is with myself. Realizing that the adoration in eyes is from within and I'm loving myself more each day. It's a revelation really. I'm thanking God I had the opportunity to discover that self love finally. It's a beautiful thing.

It's Valentine's Day. I sent a message to some friends wishing them a happy one. I attached 'Because you're loved' on the end because I wanted them to know that it wasn't just superficial greetings. It was a heartfelt wish for them to know that there is at least one other person in this universal plain that loves them.

Below is a song by Floetry....the video is can be found here. Listen to it. Read the lyrics feel the passion and sensuality and pain and love. I may not be the biggest Valentine's Day fan but love is glorious and who am I to hate on a day that purports to celebrate it?

"Getting Late" By Floetry

Baby

Ooo baby

baby,baby

ooo um baby

oh baby

[1st Verse (Natalie Talking)]

We need to um talk about where

We're taking this thing.
How far we're gonna let this go.

We've been here before.

Its getting late.

[Chorus 1 (Marsha Singing)]

It's getting late.

Why you gotta be here?

Beside me.

Watching, needing, wanting me.

I'm afraid, (Don't Be)

I'm so scared that you'll hurt me, twice.

Baby, oh baby baby baby

[2nd Verse (Natalie Talking)]

Listen, I've already been thinking about you on my mind.

Far too often for you,

To be here at this time

You see, one hands on nine and the other's on my thigh.

Look,I already played with the idea of you

Being here in the mornin

And the position for the crack of dawn

And the conversation before the yawning

But aah, it's getting late.

[Chorus 2 (Marsha Singing)]

It's getting late.

Why you gotta be here?

Beside me.

Watching, needing, wanting me.

But I'm afraid, (you say) don't be.

I'm so scared that you'll hurt me twice.

Oh Baby baby baby

[2nd Verse (Natalie Talking)]

How's about I let you touch the space.

That you left behind,

The day that you stop smiling

The day that the tears started falling

But now were talking, touching

Almost making sensual again

We can taste the familiar,

Cause, the family hour supports it.

Of this moment,but was led by the movements cause ahh

It's getting late.

[Chorus 3 (Marsha Singing)]

It's getting late.

Why you gotta be here?

Beside me.

Watching, needing, wanting me.

But I'm afraid, (you say) don't be.

I'm so scared that you'll hurt me twice.

Oh Baby baby baby

Oh baby twice baby baby.

[3nd Verse (Natalie Talking)]

I see the memories we replayed

Same space face bodies

I know there's a method to your manliness

but ah I'm a afraid

[Chorus 3 (Marsha Singing)]

It's getting late.

Why you gotta be here?

Beside me.

Watching, needing, wanting me.

But I'm afraid, you say don't be.

But I'm afraid, and you say don't be.

I'm afraid that you'll gonna hurt me baby, baby twice baby

[Ending Chorus 4]

I see the memories replayed, same space, same place

Same bodies baby I know this method to your manliness

But I'm afraid, babe

I see the memories replayed, same space, same place

Same bodies baby I know this method to your manliness

But I'm afraid, baby.

Posts from the BB

2010-01-03T23:07:00.001-05:00

Every year I write a post on or around December 1st in commemoration of World AIDS Day. Here's that post written on December 1st.
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Today’s another day that we shouldn’t have to recognize but we want to pay tribute to those persons who have succumbed and those who are living with this disease. Every person who recklessly chooses to have unprotected sex endangers all of us and this has to stop. I pray the day will come when HIV/AIDS is a disease we can say happened ‘way back when’. I long for the day when a cure is found so that we can help those now who are now living with this disease.

INTERNATIONAL HIV/AIDS STATS People living with HIV:* 33.4 million people living with HIV worldwide* 31.3 million adults* 15.7 million women* 2.1 million children under 15New HIV cases in 2008:* 2.7 million people* 2.3 million adults* 430,000 children under 15HIV-related deaths in 2008:* 2 million total death

Posts from the BB

2010-01-03T23:00:00.001-05:00

I wrote this a few weeks ago but only now getting the opportunity to post it.
--------------------------

I wondered about the decision to write that about myself but I felt and feel that this is who I am. I was attracted to a girl. Very attracted and having made no bones about being open to having relationships with women so revealing on twitter that I found her attractive seemed like nothing to me. Only after posting it did I realize that persons may have objections or tend to look at me differently. I mean I haven’t changed but their perceptions of me will. Who am I now?As usual people don’t see me; they see fat, natural hair, crooked teeth. That’s not even an ounce of who I am. That merely measures a centimeter on my 5foot 8inch frame. A New Year begins soon and my hope for the New Year is for a world where people become more tolerant of others and themselves. Learn to accept the good with the bad and realize that being a ‘better you’ doesn’t make you better than anyone else.

Posts from the BB

2010-01-03T22:54:00.001-05:00

I've had a few ops to sleep with ex-boyfriends. They've asked and I usually turn them down. I don't have many exes but they seem to keep coming back wanting more. I'm far from conceited (barely confident even) but I've always thought of myself as adecent catch. At least for the right guy anyway.

I wonder about their offers, thinking why am I only getting these old offers there's currently no new guy offering to do anything. What's that about? I like knowing they still want me and though I've been honest with them they keep trying. That does an ego wonders but in the same vein my ego gets shot down, every time an op is seemingly missed.

I've been laying in a bed of fantasies and memories. Emotional tangles are so hard to unravel and that's possibly the main reason I don't try to actively seek someone out. Getting dumped or dumped on is scvary shit and my fear is currently set to paralyzing when I think about relationships.

I fear commitment and rejection. These are of course the same things most people fear. I want to try to overcome them but find that being apathetic works for me right now. I want a relationship but I'm not dying to have one. If it happens it happens. Whther it be for a second or a lifetime it will happen.

P.S. - What the hell do I have to be ashamed of? I write what I feel on my blog and on twitter it's me. If you can't share that's cool and I respect that if you wish to not read my thoughts then click the lovely X found at the top right hand corner of your screen. I should do a post about the double standard when it pertains to sexual exploits. As a blogger I write about what's in my mind needing to get out at that moment so if I'm feeling the need to be dicked down by an ex I'm gonna write about exactly what's coming to mind and what I'm feeling. People need to get over that misconception that women don't like sex. We love...well at least I love it. When it's with the right person. It's just good all around and we certainly get the same urges we're just not as obvious. But I've as I get older I've grown and learned that sex is just another facet of a relationship. It's great but it's not everything.

Posts from the BB

2009-12-31T14:41:00.001-05:00

My final post for 2009. Since the lovely blockade of blogger at work I've had to be posting through through the BB. I love my BB but this shit aint easy.

I have a few posts I should have updated in November but that's fine ill do them in 2010. I just want to wish everyone a beautiful, prosperous, happy, healthy and safe new year. Dance a little dance, make a little love, be happy and live happy.

Spend time with those you love and who reciprocate that love but for the new year also remember to love yourself because truly that's 100% happiness right there, everything else is just brawta.

Allow Me to Introduce Myself...

2009-10-31T10:21:00.000-05:00

I know for certain that what I wish for myself is greater than ill probably achieve but I can't help hoping. There are some times when life gets overwhelming and all I want to do is lay down and let it take over,let it run whatever course it wants to. Then I snap myself out of that and start dreaming the dreams I began to have when I realised that I could know more and be more than my economic status denoted. My mother is the greatest person I know because she never made me give up on myself. She knew there was so much more that I could achieve and she never gave up on that for me. I will love her forever for that shit because that instilled in me a belief system that cannot be shaken. There are many things my mom and I don't agree on but I thank God for her everyday because I finally understand what people mean when they say that someone made them who they are. She may not have carried me but she made me.

Perusing The Sartorialist for a few hours. I can't get over these outfits. If I be proactive I'm certain I could be and do more than merely exist. Right now I wear what I have, I don't try to do much with my outfits I just war what's convenient but I know I can spruce up my wardrobe, be more proactive in how I dress. I mean come on I have no fucking excuse. I refuse to conform but I'm certain that my own niche is there somewhere. It doesn't have to be expensive either. I'm a bigger girl and I find it hard to find clothes that not only fit but come in colors other than black, white and tan. I don't wish to look like a sausage but I can definitely do something more. I'm not big on the fashions that currently exist either so I'll have to try to go for timeless in my selections.

Though it's not my taste I've always found my friends to have amazing instincts when it comes to fashion. Axela can really create a great outfit that looks amazing on her tall figure. Eanehj as a bigger girl herself really can put an outfit together to highlight her greatest assets, from work to parties it's always perfect for her. Irrek-Nna always looks great to me, love her outfits, I like her taste in clothes which I think is kinda similar to my own. Arteip has a great fashion sense, I love that her quirkiness shows so strongly in her taste so her clothes have a little quirk and fit her really well. Akimat has some great clothes and shops merely by instinct for her it's perfect and it always works. I love that Assenav takes risks with her outfits not just with style but with color as well, wish I were as brave.

I really dont know much about fashion for that I leave it to @JhayOC and @dwaynefighter (check out his blog Don't Call me a Fashionista, you'll spend hours) but I know what I love and as usual I'm inspired so look out for...Trespasser Se7en.

Title Pic...

Engendrer et L'enfant

2009-10-14T07:11:00.006-05:00

A few days ago I was sitting in a taxi contemplating what would be my next picture for my 365 twitpic project* when I look to my right and see this tall, brown, young Rasta man, very cute and he's standing alone holding these 2 babies. The youngest was months old maybe 5 or 6 and in a carrier latched to his body and the oldest he's holding in his arms, looked over a year maybe 2 years old. He's standing at the bus stop and it was so unexpected that I sat frozen in the taxi.. It was such a great picture. I wanted to capture it with my camera but could only take a snapshot in my mind instead. Its still there so beautiful and so profound. It was life and it was amazing.

Title Pic (gorgeous right?) -

Photo Credit

*I have been taking at least 1 picture a day and posting it to my twitpic page. I hope to go one year as a record of my entire year. I think it will be fun.

I Start...

2009-10-08T06:40:00.030-05:00

'if we bottled love, it would be like peace and war in the same bottle, a cure for all diseases and the greatest biological weapon at the same time...'

I love that quote...It's such a perfect depiction of love. KP my friend wrote that in the comments of my last post. (LOVE HER!) It's so fitting. Love is so complex, so disastrous, so amazing. She asks if I'm really ready...I don't even know. The first thing I thought was 'YES! I'm more than ready!' but I'm uncertain. I'm ready for honest love, love that doesn't want to strangle you with sweetness I'm ready for it to be real. No sugar coating.

I watched (500) Days of Summer (review below) and one quote jumped out at me. The leads' friend is talking about his girlfriend he's had for years and he says something along the lines of his dream girl has bigger boobs and so on but his girlfriend is better than a dream she's real. That was the best quote of the entire movie. I didn't really feel much in the movie but I certainly felt that when he said it. I thought 'That's exactly what I want' I have no misconceptions about the people I will love and who will love me, I'll love who they are because they are real...they are...

I realize I haven't done a Weh Yu Mean? in ages so I'll just round up the goss I can and let loose, I'm also gonna do a Movies I Saw Last Week and throw in a !!Hot Guy of this Day!!... Here we GO!

So Weh Yu Mean?

Busy, Busy, Busy...Paternity tests? Photocopying cheques for tabloid newspapers? This is where your life has gone? Weh Yu Mean? Men can't keep their dicks in their pants and women keep popping out babies like the world isn't spiralling out of control. Handle your business Busy just handle it...Do these entertainers have publicists? If not it's definitely needed.
This Gully/Gaza foolishness has gone too far now. Since when did we turn into Israel and Palestine? How the fuck you attack someone for their opinions on music? Music? Weh Yu Mean? This shit is being thrown around in schools and that's the saddest thing ever. How can we be progressive when we fuck up our kids?
Congrats to Tami Chynn and Wayne Marshall on tying the knot. Weh Yu Mean? The wedding looked beautiful and I'm happy they're happy.

I know very weak but my usual source for all things suss-ery seemed to have dried up (AKA the links aren't working) Oh well on to Movies I Saw Last Week.

(500) Days of Summer - Movie left me feeling pleasant, like a slight Christmas breeze, its a little sweet and refreshing but a little cold. I enjoyed it but wasn't bowled over not stating this is a bad thing just pleasant though. I was kinda able to go through it half a step ahead of the plot. Joseph Gordon-Levitt gave a performance I didn't really expect. Candid and emotional and based in reality. Pretty good. Zooey Deschanel was sweet and I identified with her character most. I liked the movie but it doesn't grab you I wasn't left wanting more I was left feeling pleasant which is better than most. I tried to love it but left merely liking it and kinda not wanting to see it again though I completely understand and feel it's appeal. 7.75/10

Madea Goes to Jail - I wish I could skip over this and say I didn't voluntarily watch it but I can't so I won't. I'm so tired of the Tyler Perry movies, so tired and yet I continue to watch and I have absolutely no cause to. The plot was all over the place and the acting was cringe worthy, if it wasn't over the top it was completely under par. The title of the movie is Madea goes to jail which she does in the last 15 minutes of the movie. What happened during the other parts of the movie you ask? I have no idea I was pretty much looking but not seeing, hearing but not listening during the entire thing. I laughed not once. Oh Tyler, Tyler Tyler... 3/10

Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist - I think Ive watched this movie at least 10 times now. I love it. I watch it over and over again because there is always a nugget of gold that I missed before. I practically know the dialogue word for word. Michael Cera is made for these quirky awkward I'm shy but confident roles. I loved it and him, Kat Dennigs was such a surprise Ive never heard of her before now so i had no expectations (for once) but she was very sweet very endearing perfect match for Cera's seemingly unchanging character. A little convoluted and the awkwardness of the characters can be a little challenging to follow but it works in the end. 9/10

Cadillac Records - There is no real standout character of the film. I loved the film for opening my eyes to a myriad of stars from the 40's, 50's and 60's stars I would have never known of otherwise. I was happy that it made me want to learn more about these people. The movie itself was slow to start and some of the actor;'s characterizations rather than being transformative were very distracting. If there was one person who did shine it was Columbus Short (featured !!Hot Guy of the Day!!) usually in movies he plays the hunky but dumb brother but I felt something from his character this time around. He pulled me in. I liked that the movie was about the people and not necessarily about the time but I would have loved some more inclusion of what the times were like then and the response the artistes received. 5/10

Sex Drive - The movie's abut a guy who goes on a trip to visit some girl he's been talking to online and all the things that transpire on that ride. It was not at all funny, the actors were...young and not very compelling. I cannot find one positive thing about this movie. From that I'm certain you can infer what my rating would be I refuse to put one.

!!Hot Guy of The Day!! is Jason Momoa (born Joseph Jason Namakaeha Momoa) hot guy of this day August 1, 1979.

Jason - j(a)-son\ is pronounced JAY-sun [Greek] means - healer. Mythology: the hero who led the Argonauts in search of the Golden Fleece

Joseph - j(o)-se-ph\ is pronounced JOH-sef [Hebrew] means - God Will Increase, May Jehovah add/give increase.

2009-10-04T09:02:00.005-05:00

When my friend got married a few years ago I attended her wedding and as I sat in the pews watching her recite her vows looking up on the man she loves, her other half (he's her match perfectly) I teared up, something I never do over sappy moments. This was so much more real than anything I'd ever seen on TV and it was a thousand times better. Everytime I convince myself that I've never seen/experienced the real thing I remember that moment and the look of sheer happiness on her face as she said 'I do'. The wedding/marriage path has never crossed my mind as something I would consider for myself but I love seeing other people get married.. I love weddings because in that moment when vows are said in most cases love is so present that everyone around feels it.

I had intended to start this post with my night out with Akimat but I was reading the coverage of Tami Chynn and Wayne Marshall's wedding and it just magnified the feelings going through me after my night out. So Akimat's 5 feet 8 inches of uptown pretty, cute shoes and chic outfits. I am 5 feet 8 inches...that's about where our physical similarities end. We're friends because we're exceptionally similar in the way we think and our personalities work well together and when we go out I try never to compare myself to her because we are so different physically. I try to hold my own confidence I can't and don't want to be her so ill be the greatest person I can be.

Rambling aside we're out at club Bore* and we're sitting down looking around grooving a little and I look across the room and there's a group of guys standing facing us. At first. I don't really pay too much attention because as Akimat said quite fittingly it was a 'sausage fest', there were alot of guys so I couldn't really differentiate one guy from the next. I do eventually notice them though because one of them was just staring at us non stop. So I do the girl thing do a little shake and throw a surreptitious glance now and then to see if he's watching. I do that a few times and realize he's definitely staring. I realize that he's moved from the wall and walking towards us and immediately all sorts of butterflies let loose throughout my entire body not just my stomach. He's moving closer and closer and closer and...well you get the picture. I'm poised and ready to hear what he whispers and my body's tingling. He reaches us, leans over, and starts talking...to Akimat.

Yeah. I can't even describe what I felt. I was deflated. I beat myself up all the time about not using men to validate me because they definitely don't...at least not all the time. Last night though I felt like I really needed someone to say 'hey you look nice, you smell great...blah blah blah yakkity schmakkity'...the night went even further downhill from there...it just got me thinking about loving someone, being with someone I love and having them love me back. I am so ready, so ready.

You Know What...?

2009-09-22T14:08:00.002-05:00

People try their damnedest to get the better of me but what I think they don't know or realize is that I'm not a pussy.

I don't adhere to pussy behavior and refuse to back down from actual pussies.

I WARN do.not.fuck.with.me.

Posts from the BB

2009-09-20T09:59:00.000-05:00

I always get the question of why I don't go to church, I hate admitting it but I evade the question. I don't believe in church, I'm happy for those who have found spritual completeness in church but that's not what my experience is.

People worship in different ways and this is my chosen way. I worship God with just him and me. No one else needs to be involved. I will not knock the church experience but its for me, I don't know if this will change about me, I often think I'm looking for that place where I can worship with like minded folks but haven't found that yet and so I feel complete by myself and don't wish to join the church experience.

I love God but I'm no saint and those who pretend to be are funny to me but I refuse to take shit from anyone so any bible thumping bigots can step the fuck back.

I am who I am and choose to be no one else.

Posts from the BB

2009-09-12T21:54:00.000-05:00

I am uncertain when the day came that I began to think of they as entities separate from me.

Listening to Sinead O'Connor 'Nothing Compares to You' and this type of emotion puzzles me,I'm not certain what it feels like and I crave it. I want to revel in it, this emotion that makes you feel the vibrations from these people. I stand aside and observe, I don't know what it feels like.

I've had relationships end badly, I recall some of those feelings but to me it always seems like people emote 100% more than I do. What I felt appeared to be only a snow cap to their icebergs.

I've felt anger but not rage, infatuation but not love, lust but not passion. The extreme of the emotion still eludes me and so I stand back, a curious observer wondering these feelings are, how can they be described or measured?

In a previous post I spoke about finding that grand passion, the soul tearing wish I'd never met you can't live without shit that make people go crazy. How does that happen? How do you get to that point? I can't see past that threshold much less to push past it. Maybe I just haven't met that person yet. I'm passionate about other things in my life but I feel like not being completely free with my emotions holds me back.

My will is too strong. I'm afraid of myself as that person, free of my imposed norms. I'm scared of what she might look like once she's out.

Posts from the BB

2009-08-27T12:46:00.000-05:00

We Have. By tsagrednerp

He had me
This is truthful,
From his first stare,
To his tentative touch,
He had me
Before hello,
Before we met
Before time and the universe's dimensions

Through Earth's many lives,
The desert of space
It's his eyes
All in his eyes.
This transendental knowing
This knowing is beauty
This knowing is God's message

I have him
Inside and out
I have his truth
And in that I hold his soul
We are more
And together we have...
We have...

For Humans Only

2009-08-22T15:41:00.008-05:00

I recommend you go see 'District 9', here's my review from when I saw it on Tuesday.

Allusions, metaphors, similes... all evident in the movie.one of the better adaptations certainly, the point is rammed down your throat as disgustingly as possible. Truly I did not want and will admit I didn't watch the terribly gross parts, I couldn't. My stomach and dreams are just not strong enough. Very nice characterization from the lead, he was featured during almost the entire film and you felt like you went through it with him. The connection you felt with him definitely increases the feeling of disgust, you feel as if you are there going through it with him. I didn't wanna watch but I desperately needed to know what happens next and this so where the movie shines.
Almost a surprise a minute and at the beginning it seemingly lags for at least 30 minutes before moving at breakneck speed. Unnecessary yet helpful the scenes of 'back story' at the beginning. I get it's important to our understanding of the plot but do we really need so much of it? Other than this the movie shines as a reflection on... wait can't give it away.Personally it makes me want to learn more about it. Its not just a film about aliens and humans. So do not go expecting great battles between good and greater. Its a very believable film, very true to life.
Documentary aspect is great, editing is outstanding, cinematography was pretty good (Joburg, especially slums, usually portrayed dreary and bleak in films and though this is shown there's a clarity to the picture that emphasizes more so than the dreary). The aliens looked believable and there was seamless integration of real and unreal. Some may not like it, it really socks it to you and some may argue that its portrayal of blacks was negative but that’s not what I saw AT ALL. As @dwaynefighter said it’s a thinker’s movie, it’s a challenge and you may be up for it or you may not but do not go expecting to merely skim the surface and enjoy it, you will be disappointed.

This is been a very nice movie summer, a few more to go and of course there'll be reviews.

Title Pic -

Photo credit - http://io9.com/5194949/district-9-debuts-first-alien+abuse-footage

G.I. JOE = G.I. NO!

2009-08-18T07:47:00.008-05:00

Akimat and I haven't seen each other in some time, she's usually my go to gal for going out cause she's always up for it and we always have a good time. So we decide let's go to the movies and we decide to see "G.I Joe". I have never really seen an episode of the cartoon. I'm familiar with some of the names but mostly have no idea who anyone is. I actually thought there was a G.I. named Joe so...

The movie is 118 minutes long and truly there are maybe 2 scenes in which I didn't roll my eyes and were some what entertaining. One of the worst films I've ever seen. No joke. Channing Tatum was as flat as a pancake and I love me some Marlon Wayans but sweet minty Jesus where did his comedic timing go? Sienna Miller? The plot? The fucking dialogue? There were 1000 things wrong and as I said only 2 scenes were good enough to warrant a positive reaction from me. I understand and appreciate the use of animation within the film I mean it's based on a cartoon you're trying to keep that feel. Everything else was a big FAIL WHALE. Sexism is ripe and rampant but that doesn't seem to be any different than most other movies nowadays. I cant believe how bad it was. If there were a saving grace it would be Joseph Gordon-Levitt...not because of his performance but I have a HUGE crush. I would recommend you see it yourself to make your own judgement but you can't say I didn't warn you. For a supposed action film it was boring too. Weird right?

I also watched "Shaun of the Dead" last week for the first time (commercial filled and censored) but beggars cant be choosers.

Have I not said how much I love Simon Pegg and Nick Frost? They're a hilarious comedic duo. Love them. The movie was filled with so much goodness. From the zombies to Bill Nighy to Pegg's character unshaking need to go to the pub, all the way to the end where Frost's character is seen in the garden shed zombified but playing a video game. It was so very good and not just funny but entertaining and surprisingly emotional. Pegg played the role beautifully (tailor made for him) I believed his emotional displays from regret, sadness, horror and in his funniest moments just above hilarious. So well made. The camera angles, the script. so great. On my list for top zombie movies.

Going to see "District 9" tonight with Arteip should be good. You can be certain there will be reviews. Live, Love, Laugh!

Today's title pic -

Photo credit - http://hotcelebs.today.com/2009/07/14/

Posts from the BB

2009-08-09T21:56:00.000-05:00

After the fuckery today I just cannot stand anymore bullshit in life. I'm the person to always respect people's opinions, I'm the person who truly believes in everyone's right to an opinion. I may not agree but I would never judge an opinion as wrong...

Until today. I give respect when I get it, but there are people who will never respect other opinions because they are singleminded, selfish, hate mongering assholes. I refuse to be apart of that, I refuse to treat people like second class citizens. And for what? For what? Because they're gay? Are you serious? Our world is in turmoil and we're divided because of sexual orientation, religion and race. It's disgusting. It's disgusting what we as a people have become.

We were great once, we walked upright, developed opposable thumbs, created so many things with this brain of ours and this same brain is being degraded by matters that should never matter.

I don't have to be G,L,B or T to be apart of the community, I am there to support and help people who are treated like shit for no reason other than God told me it's wrong...really? God told you that? My God told me to love and treat every man,woman and child as I wish to be loved and treated.

I pray one day you will realize your error and begin to put your efforts into ensuring that babies don't starve to death and wars never get started. That's where I'll be and I'll be waiting for you. I'm by no means perfect but I like to think I know right from wrong...it's wrong, as easy as that, no need for dissertations. It is wrong. Why can't you see that?

2009-08-09T10:05:00.007-05:00

Fell asleep doing a post a few days ago. Wrote it but didn't save it...Shame on me. Well today's review day as you should know after yesterday's Saturday premieres. Nothing good on Starz, HBO or Cinemax but Showtime came through with 'Lars and the Real Girl' starring Ryan Gosling.

Easily one of the most emotional movies ever, I never thought I'd get so invested. I believed it would be awkward and clumsy but it was truthful, reflective and sweet. I can admit I cried and it surprised me so because in recent years there haven't been many movies I've actually shed tears for but this moved me so unexpectedly. The performances were so true to life and convincing Gosling worked it so well, from the lack of eye contact to his just off normal ticks and movements to his hushed speech. Beautifully portrayed. The story is brought to life well but the story was worth it. Very well written, nicely shot and edited. Very good movie.

As I didn't do a review after last week's premieres I'll do one now of The Mummy: Dragon Empire now.

I was genuinely surprised that I enjoyed this movie. I thought it would be truly horrible but it was quite tolerable. Replacing Rachel Weisz with Maria Bello felt disingenuous and a little weird. She tried way to hard with that English accent and the love scenes between her and Brendan Fraser were awesomely cringe worthy but I still enjoyed it. I didn't laugh and certainly didn't cry, its not a movie for great emotional experiences but it was a very pleasant experience overall. The CGI stuff was done very well and the look of the movie was very becoming of the time, though I do miss the old glamor look of the first movie...as with most trilogies/series the first is usually the best and this is definitely the case here but it didn't suck as much as I anticipated and I would gladly watch it again.

I'm living and loving right now as you should...I have a Weh Yu Mean? segment coming up soon so watch out. Live, Love, Laugh!

I AM Scared of Stickshift and Fried Food and Beers

2009-08-01T11:34:00.011-05:00

As I noted in the previous post I went to get my learner's permit (awesomely easy and fairly fast...SHOCKED!) and signed up for my first few driving lessons. Now I would have been happy and excited about my first time behind the wheel IF I had not waited 2 and a half hours just to get my time with the instructor. There were alot of people ahead of me, lack of vehicles and vehicle breakdowns....all contributed to the wait, but I was still happy to begin learning about gears and the clutch *sigh*... To facilitate my lessons, I will have to put my gym membership renewal on hold *cries softly* I can't afford both right now and so I will have to forgo one to facilitate the other.

This was not an easy decision at all. I have lost some weight and look forward to losing more but it will be hard without the gym equipment but it CAN be done and I intend to continue with it. I've decided to lessen my calorie intake even more, I'm giving up fried foods, red meat and rice *cries softly* It will be more than hard but I've always believed I'm a strong person...I mean I must be strong to endure half the shit I have so I hope I'll be strong enough for myself to continue.

Appleton Temptation Isle. The Emancipation weekend (August 1) is the weekend where (mostly) young persons celebrate freedom and independence by going to Negril on this weekend and committing all sorts of depraved acts....OK fine, it's not that bad.

young people + non stop flowing alcohol - inhibitions/sleep + hotel rooms - parents = ????

As you can see this is an interesting way to spend a weekend in which you are supposed to be celebrating and reflecting on the end of slavery. I will not be hypocritical though, I have been as the moniker implies tempted to go and frolic and be young and drunk and free but I've never gone and when my friends asked me to go I've chalked it up to my being broke (as usual) but that's not the whole truth, I just think it's an overall waste so I just never went and I never regretted that decision. The weekend is here again and at the ripe old age of 23 I'm not even tempted to go this year...*shrugs* I have made a promise to go at least once so who knows maybe next year?

photo credits - Watever.com

2009-07-30T07:09:00.006-05:00

So since yesterday coming off my Harry Potter high few things have happened...

Weighed myself realized I gained a few lbs back...But I don't trust that scale so I guess this is not too much of a problem.
Just received information that they've been overpaying me the last few months and that I'm going to get a pay cut...Yeah! Total fuckery. Which now means I'll have to work more hours and overtime to keep myself solvent. PERFECT!

Well... Since I'm on hiatus from everything but my job I guess no. 2 is doable, but I don't have to like it. I was feeling really energized this morning coming to work and was thinking that I would increase my hours on my own anyway so this is just a reinforcer, so fine things aren't as bad as they seem but I just feel awful.

I'll be getting my learner's permit today and doing my first official driving lesson. I'm 23 but there's never been a real need for me to learn except to have a national ID i can use but I'm also hoping and saving for a car so...here I go. It's great and shitty growing up. There's just no other way else to describe it. It's great and shitty all at the same time.

I've decided that nothing soothes an aggravated mind like some half naked man flesh so I'll be racing the page with one of my all time faves....Queerty Knows Best.

Pablo

Ramel

Patrick

Peter

Feel free to enjoy more of these hunky men by clicking on their pictures and even more gloriously fabulous bodies on Queerty and their Morning Goods section.

I'm out for the day, happy that I'm leaving work early even happier I have a day off tomorrow.

Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince

2009-07-29T09:48:00.006-05:00

After waiting more than a week for it to premiere in Jamaica I finally went to see it...Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince. The book was one of my faves in the series and I ended up loving the movie. Below is a review I did at intermissin and after the movie ended.

Brilliant to look at, the acting is refreshing, acting like teenagers(irrational, clumsy, emotional) but also the hint of danger and mystery is palpable, what happens next is on your mind, this book explored more than Harry and the movie took that cue and that makes it amazing. Draco, What?! What?! Compelling, dare I say riveting? Played beautifully by Felton. Surprise performance of the movie. Follows the book nicely I mean what more can you ask for?

Leave your expectations, this is not an action film, this is pure suspense and anguish rolled into one big ball of tears. I cried when 'Severus, Please...' Jumped from the pages and into my mind. I think the first of the six that displays how compelling the story is, setting the stage for how absolutely flawed the characters are. This is no mere children's story, its THE fairytale that children remember and adults continue to hold reverent.
I can certainly see why it can be called dry humping all that work and no nut busted and if ur seeing the movie without reading the book u'll be a little lost and may not appreciate the story 'I mean its Harry fucking Potter right? Where's the magic...'But its there weaved seamlessly into this amazing tale of loss and grief and courage, strength of convictions and wills.

My only bone of contention is always for every movie the scenes they so obviously delete (horribly edited) I don't buy the DVDs at least not yet and I really want to see all those scenes when I'm in the theater. Its going to be torture waiting for 7A and 7B. I think I will expire before they roll around. It will simply be awesomesauce (c) ONTD

Title Pic -

P.S. Below is what I wore to the movie...I've been waiting forever to have an excuse to wear them...I'll be wearing them at all the other movies.

Posts from the BB

2009-07-27T23:58:00.000-05:00

If I didn't write I don't know who I'd be I would be lost without it, without this blog. I've found, over the past few days that I am as I always have been. The same shy and alone person I was eleven years ago when I had no friends and spent my lunch in the library hoping no one would notice me. Who have I been the past eleven years you may ask? I realized a few months ago someone I don't know and worse yet don't like. I realized too that this was not just a reflection of me but also a reflection of those around me and I wondered if I was the only to have realized it. I guess its like that scene from body snatchers where the girl gets up and from the cocoon only to look around and see other persons were still cocooned. I just woke up.

The catalyst is unimportant but the results have been interesting. Previous post I spoke about opening the door on the new me and wondering what will be waiting...the door is currently ajar and right now the space is empty. It scares me and it was scary when I made that realization but I've survived years without support and I can move on to the better me without someone there but I can do it and I will.

P.S. Had a great time at the movies with Arteip and will review Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince tomorrow.

P.P.S. I loved it.

Posts from the BB

2009-07-25T23:07:00.000-05:00

The most unpredictable thing you can come across is not the weather, its people. What they'll do and say as individuals or as a group has so many variables its impossible to predict. What I've learnt though is there are some patterns and if you read them well you can attempt to create a map. But what I've found is that its much easier to just let the chips fall where they may.

I am angry but you'd be surprised at what it is that I am angry about. I'm angry about the state of our world. Truly. I'm angry at how we've become and who we've become. Our society deteriorates and we calmly sit by and watch it happen. Myself included. I'm angry at people who are ignorant in their views and who choose to stay that way. I want to help as many people as I can to realize their dream, and be happy. I just want to be happy too.

Post from the BB

2009-07-18T19:29:00.000-05:00

One of the hardest things you can do in your life is challenge the roles you've built and what others have built for and about you. I am one of the most laid back people you'll meet but of course that's merely a facade, I'm observing and analysing everything I'm just not verbal about it.

I talk about my friends a lot because that's currently the only relationship I have right now outside of my family and I've formed an attachment to it that in the past has not been the most beneficial to me or my development. This is mostly due to my bottomfeeder self esteem and what I think about myself. I don't think I deserve much so this is what I project and what I get reflected back at me from other persons.

it's who I was and in some ways who I still am but I've moved myself so far from that person that the roles I was assigned way back when we became friends just don't fit who I am now. There's a clash and so in order to avoid conflict I decided to it cold turkey remove myself from that situation completely so that possibly they'll realize the changes and either take them or leave them.

Right now I think they're leaving them and about a year ago I would have been upset about it and just go back to being that person but it's not been half as hard as I thought it would. That's a little scary. If I don't have them who do I have and by extension who the hell am I? Its an eye opening and nerve racking experience and I fear losing them but I feel like I never even had a chance to find myself so there seems to be a price to pay for everything. I don't know if they'll understand, I'm not sure if I could fully explain it so we continue to be at a standstill on friend telling another that ikm prolly just being my regular depressed bitch self not realizing or caring how hurtful that shit is, and ill continue hoping that the best me develops from this I won't think about whoever is standing beyond that reveal whether everyone or no one.

Posts from the BB

2009-07-13T21:10:00.000-05:00

Ok maybe I was a little hard on the Twilight series and certainly I'm not sayin the book doesn't have merit, I mean the fact that the twi-hards are truly that crazy is a very revealing testimony. All I'm saying is that it's not as good as the Harry Potter series and Ms. Meyer tried to get her heathen Anne Rice for juniors on but it was a failed attempt. I'm just anticipating the end of it all, the movies, the possibility of a new book,just finish so these overweight hockey moms can go back to ignoring their kids and losing their husbands to religion, the drink or the secretary Jolene...I'm just saying.

BE REAL!

2009-07-11T10:10:00.005-05:00

Let's be clear I am all for books, I'm the biggest fan of books I know, truly and I applaud any book that motivates people to read. Let us also be clear that the Twilight franchise is no bigger nor better than any of the LJ Smith series. Nor by any means shape or form is it even close to being able to touch the Harry Potter franchise. The books are drivel. Complete and utter mediocrity...No wait not even close to mediocre. I've decided I'm going to try to complete reading the books but everytime I start I get a puzzled expression on my face and a feeling of nausea in my gut. It's really bad. Other than a stupid love story between a vampire, wolf and human what other themes can be found throughout the books? Please let me know, I'm very interested to find out.

Let's cut the bullshit the Harry Potter books are light years ahead of many 'children's books. I would seriously consider adding year 3 and 5 to any school curriculum. It doesn't deal with sparkling motherfuckers sailing through woods or knocked up bitches trying to decide between bestiality and necrophilia. It's more than a fight between good and evil and it shows more than wands, potions and spells. It's one of the most realistic and relatable books I've ever read. No I have not, as many people have, blurred the lines between reality and fantasy, the book is complete fiction but there is more heart and emotion and human connection in every single book than in anything Stephanie Meyer has ever written. Stop the madness people step back from your sad existence and for one second be real with yourselves.

Posts from the BB

2009-07-04T23:33:00.001-05:00

Yes I'm back! Watched 'Miracle at St. Anna' about an hour ago. A Spike Lee joint. I liked the movie but it wasn't as great as I wished it to be. The story was very compelling and most movies made about WW II are interesting especially to my generation born so long after the war had ended. It lacked connectivity and fluidity. I didn't feel a connection with any of the characters really and though they tried the actors truly didn't do much for me. The script...ok I guess 1 big problem I havd just with overall production was my inability to see the subtitles clearly. I mean if I can't read what they're saying how can I become invested in the characters. The conclusion was predictable and improbable. (Though they claimed it was a true story im still side eyeing that)

It had such great potential, needed more and it just didn't deliver. Made beautifully though, cinematography was on point.

HYPERVENTILATING!

2009-06-25T07:00:00.003-05:00

I have a job interview in about 2 hours. I am currently hyperventilating. I currently have no one to call to talk me down so I have tobe brave and do this on my own. I'm sure Ill do fine. I may or may not get the job all the other candidates are just as good as myself. It's a toss up. All comes down to who impresses in the interview. Truly all I wish and want to do is just be myself ensure that Im engaging and give smart concise answers. Im nervous as all hel though, trying to keep calm and not fuck it up by crying or some such nonsense. I just there was someone to tell it will be fine. Let me know it's ok being myself. I just have to sell them me and thats what intend to do. Getting calmer and calmer as I write this.

As Always, Thanks for listening.

Title pic -

Photo credits - http://www.clipartof.com/interior_wall_decor/details/Woman-Hyperventilating-And-Breathing-Into-A-Bag-Poster-Art-Print-5771

Posts from the BB

2009-06-20T08:49:00.000-05:00

When I was younger my mother said that it was great that I was ugly and fat because she wouldn't have to worry about boys...Yep she said it right in front of me too. I think about it almost everyday. Sure there was a time after she said it I thought she just wants me to be strong and confident by myself. That's not what stayed with me though.

I'm 23 and I guess I proved her right, my life seems to be failure after faiure so far. The biggest failure of course being myself. I try to tell myself that its ok to be me, yes I'm not attractive and I never will be but if I try to love me then maybe others would do the same. Maybe my family would stop treating me like a pariah, maybe my friends would stop treating me like the maid's daughter. Who am I kidding? There's nothing I can do to change what they think so I'm just going to have to do the best with myself.

Feel Good...

2009-06-14T09:23:00.006-05:00

I was very happy with the Saturday Premieres on HBO and Cinemax last night. I finally got to see an unbootleg version of 'The Dark Knight' and 'Hellboy II: The Golden Army'. My realtime review of the former is below -

Never saw the first movie so not corrupted, usually like to watch movies in sequence. Eric Roberts, Lukas Haas....hmmm? Harvey Dent? Yes, Morgan Freeman...hmmm did they know he (Heath Ledger) was gonna die or was the first one that good? Divine intervention. Why didn't the gun go off? Dent is def playing sides...that's what I think. 23 minutes. Bloody but not overly, 'Why so serious?' Scary as shit, funny as hell. He's(Dent) so working with them. I feel it coming. 40 minutes. Will the real Batman please stand up? So far, Dent steals the show, over Joker, Wayne, Alfred, Fox...Wayne is a narcissistic fuck. Kinda like him. Maggie Gyllenhaal is not beautiful by the far stretch of the imagination here, in this she creeps me out. Gorgeous in The Secretary, this, not so much. Is this shit really needed Bats? Come on now. I'm actually engaged and interested...or is that just because I know what's awaiting that I'm excited about? Not certain. 1hour 10minutes in wondering where the hell this is going, have over an hour left. This Rachel character can I get a boo...(Not because he's playing a psycho means its a great performance, certainly it's good but not great, waiting for him to impress me. 1hour 16minutes) nice twist, didn't see it coming, if I was watching it more carefully it wouldn't have passed me by, rolls eyes, rolls eyes again, predictable twist, is it right to wish a characters death? No I feel weird so I won't ill just say that it isn't much of a loss to the film, I'm bored. 1 hour 42 minutes. Anthony Michael Hall? Truly what is this? If he were to mime this whole thing and never say a word I would find it award worthy, his performance in Brokeback Mountain was phenomenal this...he's overshadowed by Eckhart. Completely, bored. 1hour 59minutes. I like the movie for the lovely old world detective feel, memories of Kojack and Bogart in films like Casablanca and Maltese Falcon, rooting for the not so good guys because in a really good films the good and bad guys aren't all one dimensional, good girls are nonexistent(even though they didn't really have a good female role here) and bad girls get the guy, it was choice and sacrifice and gritty. That's what I get. Eckhart is money in this film, where was Bale? I will say I completely forgot about Bale saw him for the character he played and that should be applauded (the character was a little laughable) Gary Oldman (Sirius!) pretty good as well, nice emoting, Maggie Gyllenhaal...meh. Movie better than it's principals though Eckhart stood out.

I loved 'Hellboy' but the sequel seemed to leave plot behind and just bumbled its way through to an ending. The characters are likable and sweet but I missed the novelty that was the first movie, liked the direction that they tried to take it into but it missed it's mark for me when it came to story line. Very Weak. Awaiting whatever other sequels are in the works.

They premiered 'High School Musical 3: Senior Year' on the Starz channel and i will admit i will be watching later today. I mean i already watched the first 2 the third can't be any worse. The first 2 weren't bad just not my thing. Just trying to complete the sequence.

The reason things have been feeling good... I just don't know. Only a few days without twitter and it feels weird but I'm not obsessing about it. Only a few days without speaking to my friends (or at least one friend in particular)....the same sentiments would apply.

Title pic -

Photo credits: - http://media.photobucket.com/image/feel%20good/jv3ecknell/614-GorillazFeelGoodInc.jpg

Posts from the BB

2009-06-13T10:19:00.001-05:00

I read somewhere recently the Kate Winslet said she felt less than a woman because she had her daughter by caesarian. I understand what she meant but it upset me that this woman who carried this other being around inside her felt less than womanly because she didn't push it through her vagina...I applaud women who deliver 'naturally' no drugs, no hospital, it's been done for years this way and to continue the tradition is admirable but to imply that having a baby any other way as unnatural sometimes comes off as pretentious to me. Depending on the person of course.

It's all about choices right? I choose to have an epidural because it's available and I feel safest that way, someone else may choose herbs and meditation to ease the pain, who says one is better than the other? Who decides that one is lesser than the other? I've never given birth but when/if I do I want to be able to make the choice and not have to fear being labeled as less than a woman for not being able to or choosing not to push the baby through my vagina. It's coming from my uterus there is nothing that screams woman more than that.

I want to also address the fact that having a baby is not the be-all and end-all of being a woman, some women choose not to have a baby, others aren't able to and again to be labeled less than a woman says so much about who we are as a species it's beyond hilarious. We value birthing because it's apart of our genetic makeup but one facet of a developing species is the freedoms awarded to its members, we need to stop shunning those who do not choose to have a similar lifestyle to our own.

Posts from the BB

2009-06-12T09:20:00.000-05:00

So much bullshit in my life right now. Getting no R-E-S-P-E-C-T from man nor beast. My land lady is the biggest bitch alive, my workplace..., yep and my social life is about as hilarious as ever.

Keeping my head up, keeping myself alive, ensuring that I continue to survive and help my family survive. Tired of feeling like the person who keeps giving and getting nothing so I just stopped. A new issuing of myself and all I've to offer.

A little cryptic right? No more shunning. I'm gonna do my job and hope I get that position I applied for, hoping I can do well in the interview. Wish me luck please!

Brand New Day

2009-06-07T08:04:00.014-05:00

Today's a brand new day a new to be revered a day to live love and laugh. Take it in, inhale breathe deeply and know that life is what you make it.

After that introspection let's get to it. I have no idea what's happening in Jamaican gossip so i just cannot do a Weh Yu Mean? post anytime soon. Once I get caught up we'll definitely have something to kick ass with. I can do a Movies I Saw Last Week and maybe a little Queerty Knows Best if time allows so hold your hats and horse ladies and gentlemen because here we go... Movies I Saw Last Week

Kung Fu Panda - Soooo good. Animated films have been kicking ass for the past few years and this is no exception. Kids and adults alike would enjoy it. Certainly it's predictable but what movie isn't? It's fun and funny. The secondary characters were a little weak though, more like background decoration than characters but it didn't detract from the film too much. I really enjoyed it. 8/10

Tropic Thunder - OMFG! This is one of the funniest movies I've seen in a looong time. I am usually not a big fan of Ben Stiller movies but i was laughing out loud mostly the entire time. The one line zingers are just too much to bear. It was hilarious. Each character held their own and I can see why the tom Cruise character was singled out. I didn't expect any of that shit from Tom Cruiazy, truly, truly funny and engaging and just the right balance of 'What the fuck?' and 'Oh My God at what he said'. Robert Downey Jr. was MONEY in this role, I definitely agree with the Oscar nomination I mean come on 'playing a dude disguised as another dude' was priceless. the characters are what make this movie the plot left alot to be desired but it was played so well that it worked. 8.5/10

Star Trek - AMAZING! Cinematography gives this movie the edge, it's beautifully made. The acting was just right. Not over the top, no mimicry the actors shine through as themselves and as the already established characters in these roles, making them their own. It was funny, terrifying, alluring, enchanting, mesmerizing...the adjectives could go on. No real standout performer but a very cohesive cast. If there's anything bad about it is that I didn't really enjoy the villain as much as I should have, I mean Eric Bana can only play the role they give him so I cant really fault his acting, he was good I just didn't like the character very much. Greatly anticipating a sequel (crosses fingers, knocks on wood) Hope it's as good as the first. 9/10

Hot Fuzz - One of the biggest surprises of my life. It was such a funny movie with engaging characters and an interesting plot. Simon Pegg and Nick Frost make a really good comedic team. I never expected it to be funny but it was very much so. 7/10

Run Fat Boy Run - Another movie starring the British Simon Pegg who is hilarious. The movie was not so hilarious. It had a few jokes here an there, you would get a chuckle but nothing more. Hank Azaria provides some comic relief but not much and the film leaves you wanting something more. 4/10

Now it's time for Queerty Knows Best...Hope you enjoy.

Brian

Nathan

Ollie

Sean

Tegan

As usual and always all glorious human flesh provided by Queerty and their Morning Goods section, I love that section. Click on the guys hot bodies in order to view even more glorious pictures of these magnificent species. I need to get laid. The End.

Title Pic for today -

Photo credits - http://buzz.blogger.com/2005_05_01_archive.html

Posts from the BB

2009-06-04T19:38:00.001-05:00

Wrote this a few months ago, can't say where I was or what the hell was going on to make me spaz but this is the result.

The my Jamaica is dead,
Truly with the rising death toll and the over growing monster of our gun culture,
The my Jamaica is dead.
Fuck the white sand beaches
23 never had a chance to live it,
Drench my self in lubricant at Hedonism and find a rich white man interested in Caribbean flesh cuz that's what I am to him and to you.
You see me but you don't give a shit about the my Jamaica
What happens in the banks is high level Enron shit but everybody's fucking corrupt so what we see is the working class 10% feeding the politicians and the gun man their meals.
The my Jamaica is dead
The culture gets diluted by baseball caps two sizes too big with NYC embroidered on the front misses the total care that granny used to take to make her elaborate straw hat she wore to church when yu born and christen.
Sent overseas we are idolized for being hardworking and having a violent I don't give a fuck attitude,
But fi real I don't give a fuck
What can u do to me foreigner that my bredren hasn't beat u to?
The my Jamaica is dead.
The hospitality u see is the facade of a woman trying to ensure that her pickney dem can eat pon Sunday,
that rice and peas is never missing from a Sunday plate,
So yes she smiles and accommodates while u look on her as if she's not a fucking human being,
I just sell sah, the toilet roun di back
The shit house of course that she can't use and her babies still shitting in the grass on the walk home
The my Jamaica the culture and country I would lay down my life for continues to steal my breath,
I look at the old and the young both begging on the same side of the street and pray that tomorrow is not the day I have to join them.
The my Jamaica of donkey rides and trains and coronation market where I used to get a $20 white dolly wid yellow hair and wonder if a soh white peeple really look?
Wondering what kind of rundown and mackerel me modda ago cook tonight fi mek sure seh her big daughter have hearty food,
expressions of love shown through how we share how hard we work how unbelievably loud we get.
The my Jamaica is dead
And I one of the children who have grown to realize it
because I have been on the crux born in time to get some the ninety year old wisdom,
but young enough to know that when its dead its blood claat dead and I have no clue who's to resurrect it.
Me? Rebuild the place I love and call home? How and with whom? My cohorts are full of NYC and MIAMI pride but shudder at the thought of Kingston at 12am.
The my Jamaica is dead.
Stomped out with Tims and fake Louboutins.
......

Of Kill Bill Vol. 2 and other disasters

2009-05-23T12:03:00.007-05:00

Yes I realize it's been weeks. Whatever.

'Kill Bill Vol 2', definitely not good as the first but that of course is very relative. I'm a very big fan of action movies and kung fu movies are top bill for me so the first volume would, of course, hold more appeal for me . Though volume 2 could have been much better. I was a little bored not because it wasn't action filled but it lagged in the plot and scenes and felt like one long drawn out epilogue. Not very entertaining and very predictable.

Other disasters must include 'Watchmen' truly, TRULY my most hated adaptation. Snyder did horrendously. Sorry but he did. It was pretty to look at but was dense and kind of a wreck. Below is what i wrote the night of and day after I saw it. As you will read I was a little upset....My friend Eanehj is still upset with me for dragging her to see it.

Big on the platitudes, we get it human life is as miraculous in it's development
as in it's inevitable destruction. What more can you offer me though? Certainly the choice between good and evil is not as black and white as it has been painted for years the areas or gray so few and far between that everyday merely becomes one man's pewter another man's slate. What more can you offer in this movie? Where is the punch, you tried of course with Dr Manhattan but his performance was flat and monotonous not as compelling as you wished when u advised Crudup to lose the inflection in his voice, maybe with a better actor? who knows. The most compelling of course was Rorschach aren't we all fascinated by the morose? A man, no a psychopath, who's a mere fucked up child trying to get love from his mama. We love it because it is tragic which is where our base natures call us to. Makes our issues minimal, the eternal goal of mankind find and exploit another's weakness to ensure the survival of your kin whether psychologically or physical we are but animals, mere humans. Dreiberg's character could really have been explored made important, his point was? Rebound for Spectre, we do need some sex don't we? Spectre, her sole purpose was to be born from Spectre 1 and Comedian which of course brings Dr Monotony from his dull senses in order to 'save' the world. Thanks Monotony for living down to expectations, don't know what I expected but it wasn't this. The movie ruined it for me, ruined the genuineness of the graphic novel made it seem generic which it never has been, it was authentic and like its structure novel. The movie was made cinematically perfect.

Yeah I kinda went off...I was fucking upset though.

Title pic...

Posts from the BB

2009-05-09T23:21:00.000-05:00

Surely you jest? watching Kill Bill Vol. 1 and 2. Review of both movies in 10 mins.

Kill Bill Vol 1 - as it was intended an excellent homage to the kung fu and karate movies (which I love) of the 60's and 70's. The tight shots on the actors, the amazing expressions, great choreography and excellent cinematography and editing. Love the use of several different types of cinema viewabilities to portray the story, black and white, anime, shadowing... A few others made it interesting and dynamic. The transition from type to type wasn't jarring and felt cohesive. Maybe too much of a homage, a lot of action sequences and I completely understand wanting to portray both volumes as 1 movie but it felt disjointed and made me not very interested in the story so much. Essentially what is this movie about or at least what is this portion about? It doesn't come through, nothing comes through except that we really want her to kill motherfucking Bill, even though we have no idea who the fuck Bill is. With that said I liked it, I think Tarantino's my kind of film maker. It was memorable that's what we want from a movie.

Kill Bill Vol 2 - Review Coming Soon

Posts from the BB

2009-04-29T18:29:00.000-05:00

Anyone who has ever sacrificed anything for someone else knows that in their heeart of hearts they resent that person just a little bit. You may not regret the decision but there's definately some resentment there that eats at you.

There's nothing worst than a dream deferred but what I do is to think of those dreams as attainable goals. There is absolutely nothing stoppin me from doing what I want to but to expect to do it all by the time you are 25 is unrealistic and ridiculous. Live your life. This can span over 70 years and sure nothings promised but what kind of life can you have if you continue to measure your acheivements by otherrs standards? Never give up on yourself, love the you that is here and now and work your hardest to see the you that you want tomorrow. I love my my life but that doesn't mean I'm unrealistic about it. I resent that I won't be able to do all the things I want right away but I've adapted made new goals that are even more spectacular and more amazing than I could ever imagine.

The me that I am right now is as perfect as she can be and I love her for that.

Posts from the BB

2009-04-06T15:25:00.001-05:00

I do not want to talk about him right now, death is still too fresh in the air and some things are just not to be talked about.

I don't think my friends really know how hard it is for me. I know everyone's got their problems and I guess its extremely self righteous of me to assume that they or anyone should be thinking or caring about what I feel, but that's the problem. I don't think people should care about me and when they don't show interest I'm hurt. Its not their fault but I don't know how to relate to them that it hurts me that there's no one that I have a strong connecting bond with. We share so many things in common hence why we're friends but I've come to realize its just not enough. I think its as much as anyone can ask for and no more. I feel like its the pinnacle of this friendship.

We're still the same nothing much changing and I'm ready for that change. I put myself out there why can't the same be done for me? Why am I the only one who gives a fuck? Am I the only one who realizes that something is wrong? Is everyone else happy? It took the death of a loved one for me to realize that I'm unhappy in the one part of my life that I thought I was happy. Tragedy and grief will ensure that you face the truth. The truth it seems is what I've never wanted.

Posts from the BB

2009-03-30T05:25:00.001-05:00

I had a dream in which I was tied down to a bed and there was some guy in the room just going about his business. Throughout the dream I'm terrified but I know this guy's not going to do anything to me. After awhile I realize that the room was my bedroom and the guy was my spouse and me being tied down meant I was married. I was scared I didn't want to be with this guy for the rest of my life, though I guess I loved him. I don't want to get married and I was terrified to think that everyday we'd be in the same bedroom tied to each other. Relationships are scary places and if you aren't ready for them they can choke the life out of you.

In truth I've never wanted to get married, a commitment yes but never marriage its so final, so permanent.

My friend, Eanehj, and I were having a conversation about what we were looking for in our relationships now. Sure we want to have fun but after that what then? We'll spend all of our 20s having fun and when we hit 30 we realize that we're getting older but our relationships have all stayed the same. Either we've been with the same no good guy for years or we have a string of crappy relationships where we barely remember anyone's name. I'm not looking for life commitment now but I'm looking for something more substantial than a quick fuck and subsequent booty calls.

Posts from the BB

2009-03-27T03:22:00.002-05:00

I woke up at about 11:30. After falling asleep around 8. I haven't been to sleep since and it's now 3:30am. I watched MXC which was hilarious, voice over Japanese shows are what make life bearable. Also watched a movie called 'Johns' with David Arquette and Lukas Haas, Arquette's performance was good. The movie was, for lack of a better word, ok. The good - the nature of the film about these 2 male prostitutes and their lives and 'johns' was interesting but the supporting characters of the film were more convincing than the 2 leads in my opinion. A good actor performs in a role, a passable actor pretends to be the role, a great actor becomes the role. Arquette played the same character he's been known for in all his movies, quirky a little crazy likable. Haas was meh. The movie got good reviews and I may see that in 1996 but 2009...hmmm.

Watching Law and Order:Criminal Intent (Goren and Eames baby!) something about a deaf murderer. I'm excited about Jeff Goldblum joining the show, hope its good.

I would never want to lose my hearing, my sight is crazy already but not to hear would be devastating to me. If I were born so that would be different but to become so after being able to hear all my life...Side note as my glasses broke the other day I went in to get a new pair at a cost of $11800 (about US$140) I feel so broke.

Remind me never to break any laws.

My fave two Canadian shows were going on this morn, Steven and Chris a design talk show with a gay couple Steven Sabados and Chris Hyndman and The Hour with hottie George Strombolopolous (yes I love him I even know how to spell that monster of a last name) he's funny and just my kinda cute. *sigh*

Posts from the BB

2009-03-25T20:22:00.000-05:00

In High school I would call my friends on a daily and just talk for hours. I think that's a contributing factor that explains why we're so close now. We talked about nothing and everything, all that is important to a teenage girl. We talked about boyfriends or lack there of, sex, people at school who were awful and so on. Some of the best times of my life were spent on the phone. I fell asleep on the phone many times wit my friends, met boyfriends on the phone (I know, don't remind me). My life was centered around it and that life was good.

Our pranks are still hilarious today and still notorious amongst us. At the time we didn't all have computers or internet (dial up = BOOOOO!) And so our main means of communication was through the phone. To this day was still yack it up on the phone any chance we get that's what we grew up on, what we are most comfortable using. So spending sometime talking to my friend talking about nothing really brings me back to the days we would have a 6 person conference and everybody talking at once.

'Ok so u call me then hang up and ill call u, then u call A and let A call B I will conference C...Go!'

Wow am I old. Lol. I kinda miss it but we had to grow up sometime right? Restricted phone access was fine by me because as you get older there will come a time when you need your own space. When you've fleshed out who you are behind that mouthpiece is when you end the call and hang up the phone.

Not more than myself just all of me

2009-03-25T10:08:00.005-05:00

Thanks so much for the feedback guys...Axela and Irrek *LOVE* *LOVE*

Writing in this blog is such a process though. Sometimes things come to me and sometimes they don't. I try to write when something hits me and when it's at the fore front of my mind so that I can immerse myself and just continue writing without stop or fail.I never censor the things I say...Ok sometimes I do but very few times and only because I don't want to hurt anyone. So mostly all you see is me. Me being random, me being quirky and weird and unhappy and ecstatic. Not more than myself just all of me.

LOLz!

2009-03-17T14:23:00.004-05:00

Funny story. At my first Christmas party at my workplace I went with my friend Akimat. Fun right? I was new so I knew only a few people from work so I spent most of the time with my friend just walking around laughing and getting drunk. Good Times. Sometime during the night though a young man from work, i think he was walking with his girlfriend, I don't know my glasses were foggy, came up to me said 'Hi', so I say 'Hi' back but not knowing him real well my friend and I kinda slink off to the food because damn were we hungry. I asked my friend if it was rude for us to just walk away like that without saying anything because he did look poised to say something just before we left she laughed and said she didn't care and to bring on the mojitos. Again..Good Times!!

Whats funny about this is he obviously took it as a snub because in the days following the party when I saw him at work I said 'Good Morning/Afternoon/Shower' and this nigga turned his back and said shit aka nothing. At the time I LOLd like a mofo and told Akimat who did the same. It's been almost a year and a half and everytime I see him I extend greetings (not because I want this nut bucket to like me but because you never know who's packing an uzi and just may spare your life because of a good morning) and this nigga still snubs. To this day it gives me the Lolz...Oh Snubbed you make my damn day. I sat beside him today thats why I remember.

Title pic...LOLz!!

2009-03-17T08:35:00.010-05:00

I know I've been delinquent on this blog I love so but something's messed up on the BBerry that's not allowing me to post what and when i need to. I have written a couple things that i think I'm going to post.

So when she mentioned that her husband would die for her and how cute he was I started thinking DAMN when can I get me some of that? Everyday I think about
what my experiences would be like if there were someone with whom I could share some semblance of a realness with. I'm so closed off I'm trying hard not to
panic daily. I'm very optimistic about my life and the things I want to do with
it. I keep saying it'll happen and I truly believe it. Maybe that's all I
need,that belief. I believe.

A lady said something to me at work and that's how what she said developed in my mind. I had to write it down.

I knew at the time that what he wanted wasn't to talk to me about school, being
as young as I was it should have been, but it wouldn't have been about that and
I wasn't fucking stupid and at the time maybe that's what I wanted most. I just
wanted him to see me and not cringe possibly make me feel as if I were wanted at least that one time but I chickened out because I knew I was too young, too
everything wasn't ready and I know I wasn't because it was so easy for me to
leave I just made one of my all time favorite impulsive decisions. I wondered if
he even cared that I'd left I didn't get a call until I'd reached home. I laugh
now thinking about him running around searching for my big ass.

I wrote the above remembering when I was 14 years old and going to meet my 'boyfriend' who at that time was 20 years old. Oh the young and stupid.

Eric Jerome Dickey always makes you think, even when you search for the easy way out what you get is a way out. No map, no GPS. Just a way out and its a choice you have whether you want to take that out or just see it as a lost caused. On a few occasions I've taken the way he's shown. I've not always liked the
destination but the journey has always been worth it. This book gave me a hard
hit to the arm, it jarred me but I was still standing, other books have left me
flat on my ass wishing I'd never laid eyes on it. I'm happy I read it because I
can now cross it from my list. I liked Billie but my fave was Destiny because
she was so tragic and typical human in me I steer towards the tragic. The plots
were too tidy, the entwining of the characters hurt the plot for me and again
the most developed of the characters was the 15 year old. More dynamic than the others, Billie was too nice, I mean WTF is keeping you with this dog ass nigga? It can't be love that's bullshit. I don't get passion, don't get any part of it
and so I can't understand women like Billie or Livvy or any of the characters in
Between Lovers I'm always thinking that the shit can be solved in a logical
fashion but everybody's just thinking 'fuck logic'. I can't process it. I need
some heartache. For educational purposes of course.

I wrote the above after reading 'Chasing Destiny' by Eric Jerome Dickey...need I say more?

I tried to take a breath,
the air wasn't clear,
breathless,
or so it seemed,
that's how you left me,
my
falsetto flattened,
my soprano stalled,
breathless,
my mind a blank I could only stare,
I wondered if we'd
fit,
you were so big,
anatomically,
personality,
grandeur,
beauty,
breathless,
dreaming you saw the same qualities
of shared realities in me,
as breathless as I,
dreaming as I.

No idea who the above poem is for but I guess I was feeling someone.

A
Bear
Called
Down
Everest
Frowning
'Go'
He
Intimated
Jostling
Kicking,
Like
Moving
Needed
Oration.
'Please
Quiet'
Repeated.
So
Tame
Until
Verbally
Warned
Yet
Zealous

This poem was written in my "I'm crazy and idle" phase but it's one of my favorites

Again thanks so much for visiting, reading whatevering. I do have a treat for you ladies and some gents... !!Hot Guy of this Day!! Today's treat is Columbus Short, Hot Guy of September 19, 1982...

Columbus - The boy's name Columbus \c(o)-lu-mbus\. Variant of the Latin word meaning "dove". Made famous by Christopher Columbus, the Italian explorer who discovered America.

Weekend!

2009-03-02T07:05:00.004-05:00

Had a great weekend in Ocho Rios where I swam for the first time in years. I forgot how amazing it is to just submerge yourself in water or to swim across a pool and feel weightelss. One of the better weekends of my life and it was shockingly not as expensive as I would have originally thought. I stayed at this great place called Chrisanns Beach Resort. The room was amazing and inexpensive and it was just truly a great weekend. VAAJ strikes again.

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Tied

2009-02-27T09:59:00.006-05:00

I've spoken about my love/hate relationship with my workplace. Today is another day that exacerbates the hate part of that relationship. I'm tired of these people making decisions for me. As someone rightly said, during the training session I'm currently doing, they decide when I piss, when I eat lunch if I'm sick enough to home... They run my life. Sure work isn't usually a pleasurable experience and certainly I need the fucking money if I don't want to live on the street but to have to make the decision to either have my head explode while at work due to a migraine or to sleep on the street seems like cruel and unusual punishment to me and that was not in the job description.

I am a slave working to support massa and his overseers. I do a shitload of work everyday, I come in on time, I leave after the time they've dictated and yet I still get minimum. Minimum benefits, minimum pay, minimum social life. Do you know how it feels to be tethered? I am tied to an instrument that hurts my jaw, my ear and my brain. I do that almost everyday and I have one choice either to experience that pain or sleep in the streets. HA! Essentially I have no choice at all.

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Posts from the BB

2009-02-24T13:57:00.006-05:00

There've been times in my life when I've seen someone and wanted to go up to them invite them out and actually return their calls if they do call. I never do though. I'm always disappointed in myself and always leave the situation feeling unhappy. I do have to tendency to be the shrinking violet but that is the persona that fits me and feels good for me. I am not the one who will be shouting across the room, or being the center of attention. I'm never that person and I don't want to be that person. I just want to be able to approach someone without fear of being belittled or coming away feeling less than myself. I don't really have a fear of rejection, that comes with the territory of putting yourself out there but I fear people making fun of me, chewing up and spitting in my face. I've had too much of that happen already.

It really all boils down to being rejected though doesn't it? So reading above you can see I'm wrong. I don't want for someone else to tell me I'm not wanted. I don't want them to reject me because I think I've felt so much rejection already. I don't want to die but I feel like I'm struggling to live... I've heard that somewhere before can't remember where but right now its really a true reflection of where my life is. Antwone Fisher's got me fucked up.

P.P. - I was not in a good place when I wrote this. In my heart I feel like there is so much to live for but sometimes I feel like I'm in the middle of the ocean treading water by myself. 'Why continue?' I ask myself buyt then theres an answer 'Because land is just ahead, gotta keep your head up...even though the road is hard don't give up' and I continue. As we should all continue. I continue.

Yes Yeast Yes...

2009-02-24T07:38:00.006-05:00

Soooooo... I had a yeast infection a few months ago. Worst experience of my life (that' saying much right?) At first I had no idea what was wrong with me down there and I really don't have that type of relationship with my mother to discuss it. I didnt really want to tell my friends so I just let it continue. It hurt so much and I have no idea what I was thinking when I let it continue for about a month and a half before finally going to the doctor. I never want to go through that again. I also don't want anyone else to go through that experience or to let it continue for lengthy periods after it starts.

WHAT IS A YEAST INFECTION? - Yeast is a type of fungus. Yeast infections are caused by overgrowth of the fungus Candida albicans. Small amounts of yeast are always in the vagina. But when too much yeast grows, you can get an infection.Yeast infections are very common. About 75 percent of women have one during their lives. And almost half of women have two or more vaginal yeast infections. (Source)

Candidiasis, commonly called yeast infection or thrush, is a fungal infection (mycosis) of any of the Candida species, of which Candida albicans is the most common. (Source) Candida albicans is a fungus (a form of yeast), which is capable of sexual reproduction. (Source)

SYMPTOMS - Symptoms include severe itching, burning, and soreness, irritation of the vagina and/or vulva, and a whitish or whitish-gray discharge, often with a curd-like appearance. Many women mistake the symptoms of the more common bacterial vaginosis for a yeast infection. In a 2002 study published in the Journal of Obstetrics and Gynecology, only 33 percent of women who were self-treating for a yeast infection actually had a yeast infection, while most had either bacterial vaginosis or a mixed-type infection instead. (Source)

In men (yes men too), symptoms include red patchy sores near the head of the penis or on the foreskin, severe itching, and/or a burning sensation. Candidiasis of the penis can also have a white discharge, although uncommon. However, having no symptoms at all is common, and usually, a more severe form of the symptoms may emerge later (don't I know it) (Source)

The most common symptom of a yeast infection is extreme itchiness in and around the vagina. Other symptoms include:
burning, redness, and swelling of the vagina and the vulva
pain when passing urine
pain during sex
soreness
a thick, white vaginal discharge that looks like cottage cheese and does not have a bad smell
a rash on the vagina
You may only have a few of these symptoms. They may be mild or severe. (Source)

CAUSES - Pregnancy and the use of oral contraceptives have been reported as risk factors, while the roles of engaging in vaginal sex immediately and without cleansing after anal sex and using lubricants containing glycerin remain controversial. Diabetes mellitus and the use of antibiotics are also linked to an increased incidence of yeast infections. Diet has been found to be the cause in some animals. (Source)

Antibiotic and steroid use are the most common reason for yeast overgrowth. The former kills the bacteria which would otherwise help maintain Candida at safe levels, thus allowing the fungus to overgrow. (Source)

In penile candidiasis, the causes include sexual intercourse with an infected party, low immunity, antibiotics, and diabetes. Male genital yeast infection is less common, and the risk of getting it is only a fraction of that in women; however, yeast infection on the penis from direct contact via sexual intercourse with an infected partner is not uncommon. (Source)

Many things can raise your risk of a vaginal yeast infection, such as:

stress

lack of sleep

illness

poor eating habits, including eating extreme amounts of sugary foods

pregnancy

having your period

taking certain medicines, including birth control pills, antibiotics, and steroids

diseases such as poorly controlled diabetes and HIV/AIDS

hormonal changes during your periods (Source)

TREATMENTS - Yeast infections can be cured with antifungal medicines that come as:

creams

tablets

ointments or suppositories that are inserted into the vagina

These products can be bought over the counter at the drug store or grocery store. Your doctor can also prescribe you a single dose of oral fluconazole (floo-con-uh-zohl). But do not use this drug if you are pregnant.
Infections that don’t respond to these medicines are starting to be more common. Using antifungal medicines when you don't really have a yeast infection can raise your risk of getting a hard-to-treat infection in the future. (Source)

PREVENTION -

Consider taking a daily supplement designed to help prevent the recurrence of a yeast infection

Keep you vaginal area clean, being sure to wash the area when you shower

After a shower or bath, make sure your vaginal area is completely dry before getting dressed

Wear cotton underpants and pantyhose with a cotton crotch

After using the toilet, always wipe from front to back

Avoid sharing towels and washcloths

Wash your under garments in hot water and skip the fabric softener in the dryer

Avoid clothing that is tight in the crotch

Always change out of your exercise clothes or swimsuit immediately after working out or swimming

Change your sanitary pads or tampons frequently and avoid using ones that are scented

Avoid using heavily scented soaps, perfumes and talcum powder

Avoid douching

Use antibiotics only when necessary

Eat a diet high in vegetables, protein and grains as well as consuming yogurt that has live acidophilus bacteria; avoid processed foods, sugars and alcohol

Always use a water soluble lubricating gel during sex

Consider using a condom if you are having sex and have a yeast infection

Make sure your vagina is well lubricated during sex; avoid sex if it feels painful

If you are experiencing chronic yeast infections and are using hormonal contraceptives, like the birth control pill, consider changing your birth control method (Source)

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The Golden Globes

2009-02-24T07:22:00.004-05:00

I promised myself I would have made the posted what I wrote about the Golden Globes over a month ago but never got around to it so I'll just post it here. Sure I know the awards season is over and the Oscar's were just on Sunday but it's mine I can do what I please. For my Oscar rantings please feel free to visit my twitter page (to the left of the screen) I ranted and ranted and fell asleep, woke up then ranted some more. Enjoy.

Booring..

Thank you Laura Dern

Ook Don Cheadle

Thumbs down Eva's dress, jewels are nice Hayden's dress is a throw up Gabriel Burn-surprise! Yay!

Zachary Quinto fuck yeah

New Capn Kirk see above

*sigh*

*sigh*

Still funny Ricky Gervais

Why is the oldest Jonas brother 6 octaves lower than the others?

Yay WALL-E

Surprise Yay Johnny Depp!

I've never heard of Happy-Go-Lucky this makes me content Yay Jakey!

Seriously Drew the dress is gorgeous

*sigh*

Here it comes...RIP Heath Ledger

Brokaw!

Colin Farrell just admitted he used to do coke...

Maggie WTF?

Aaron Eckhart = Swoon

Not too upset about Laura Linney but hate her dress

In Bruges looks good

DAMN Seth Rogan!

Love the silhouette hate the top on Renee

Fox looks short I like it and not at the same time also that E! Interview????

Giamatti just said ass and pissy

Tracy Morgan???

Mamma Mia? Seriously?

Kate Beck-Seen it, but still pretty

First time God has been thanked-Ruhmen

Right David your "wife" second time you've mentioned her tonight I could be watching Hamburger challenge right now on Food Network

She looks horribly put together Diaz we are now enemies

I'm so happy the Revolutionary Road was shut out

Thank you Colin Farrell, One of the better speeches so far

Salma Hayek-GORGEOUS!

Sasha Baron Cohen just killed it!

YES! YES! OMG! Kate Winslet! 'OK Gather'

Repeat above for Mad Men

I guess, at least it wasn't Penn

Watching Rourke is like watching an exploding star, its destructive and the outcome is amazing to see but it's still sad to see it go

Rourke just said bitch and something about balls

Slumdog sweep the ting...BROOMIE!!!

As you may have noted I did it in note form. I remember doing this as far back as 7th grade that was over 13 years ago. I love awards shows...sort of.

Title pic...

P.P. - I will be doing more regular post now since my BB is now fully functional. Thanks for anyone (KP!) who's asked me to continue. I love this blog and anyone who reads my posts or just wants to see what it's about and visits I thank you. Feel free to leave a comment good, bad or indifferent.

The 51st Annual Grammy Awards

2009-02-10T08:14:00.005-05:00

The Grammys were very boring this year...The actual show I mean. The best part of the whole show was cutting the fuck up getting twitter updates from people like DurtyMo, KidFury, Freshalina, DomCorleone and trentvanegas. Funniest thing I have ever experienced. I was laughing out loud the entire time. The Grammys sucked though but Congrats to the winners. (BURNING SPEAR!) M.I.A. was just amazingly hilarious, Swagger like us was nice, as was the Radiohead performance, The Four Tops tribute was nice... That's about it for the Grammys.

Now the Chrihanna drama???? That fair made my entire night, my entire weekend. I just didn't see that shit coming, it was totally from left field. I would have never thought that Chris Brown was a lady beater. I mean he has this baby face, laid back, mellow attitude thing but I guess hate comes in all shapes and sizes. I just could not and still can not believe it. Wow! For updates Young, Black and Fabulous always has very good and thorough reports. Natasha's gossip is always on point. Crazy!!!

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