I'm not the type who'll ever be interested in the state of my hair, whether my clothes are in style or whether my shoes have heels. I like those things I have a passing interest as would any girl but it doesn't control my life. I'm busy living and no one seems to get that. No one gets that the small shit doesn't bother me. I let that shit glide. I'll never be in fashion, I'm too fat, too unattractive but that world isn't the place for me. I'm more interested in learning all I can before my day is done here in this place where everything is teetering on an edge. I'm more comfortable being the me I care about than the me everyone wants to see.

I don't want to come off as judgmental asshole. I love that our lives are so different, our belief systems so diverse I love that, if everyone were the same life would be unbearable but that doesn't mean I want or am going to be like you. I won't agree with everything you say, lets just agree to disagree in that instance.

On a much lighter note Queerty Knows Best is coming at you once more... ENJOY!

Michael


Hakon

Andre


Christian


Paul


Fabio

Choi Ho Jin

Can the church say YES!!!!!!!!

I've made all the names clickable so feel free to enjo more pics of these delicious men along with others. All providie by Queerty and their Morning Goods section.

You've Got No Mail

I check my email constantly. It's almost obsessive the way I do it. I think I'm waiting for either the news that I've won some lottery, or 2 that a friend cared enough to send me some mail. Even when I know I'm not gonna be getting any mail with any of that shit. damn damn damn I just did it again.

Thief

Stolen,
Thats what it feels like,
like a piece of my flesh is gone.
I can't pinpoint the place of it's gaping hole
but I feel it everywhere.
It's location changes,
sometimes a drop in my stomach,
a pang in my heart,
a cloying in my throat,
a threat of tear in my eye.
And my view changes.
The pain of my missing pound
is making the world different in my eyes.
I can't concentrate on the blue sky,
purple lilies
the brown skin
You've stolen all my gifts.
I can no longer appreciate a sigh,
a song.
I loved to sing.
I petition
but receive only blank stares
as if you have no idea
what I'm about
what I mean.
Thief,
larcenous tempest,
voleur,
traitor.
Give it back.
Give me back my flesh,
my dream,
my heart.

Title pic -

I Don't Like That Bitch

So I've been a posting fiend as of late. Semi-regular posts. And all these things. I'm feeling better today. I haven't been feeling very me since I was kicked out of my home and forced to live with people I don't know really well. I've been recuperating with Eanehj and her Mom because they've been like a second family to me and I needed the support. I added a new feature a little palylist of what's in my head. The songs are totally some of my faves. I wanna go to a Ball and see a vogue battle and do a little duck walk and enjoy myself. Who's coming with me?! It's Nieki WhiteSky in the building!!!!! Bitches just will not get it...

Title pic is HILARIOUS! and self made...

PN - Gustav destroyed the place where I used to live just showing you that when things happen they happen for a reason and you should thank God for life and just move the fuck on.

Anyone who knows me knows that i love the gays. I have no problem with their lifestyle and I embrace that their different. I've been having a fascination of sorts with vouging and the gay scene and so on. i just finished watched Paris is Burning, which I've wanted to see for ages. Tanks to Derrick L. Briggs and Adam Benjamin Irby's ADtv youtube videos I found out the whole movie was on youtube so I watched and it was...sad. Very sad the washed up queens the misguided new queens who searching for acceptance and love come into this scene with the hopes and expectations of becoming famous. Hopes which are most times never realized. I liked this documentary and like many other documentaries it just shows you that what lies beneath the surface of all that glamour are just some sad queens.

WTF?

It's weird how your life changes within seconds, minutes, hours. I will not elaborate but you know shit hits the fan regularly and with consistency. I'm so tired of fucking around without the actual fucking. I'm tired of being alone, lonely. Tired of listening to songs that move me and make me think about things I can't have. I want to make love (corny as hell I know but accurate). I want to be loved,
"I just wanna be loved,
like everybody else does,
I just wanna be loved,
I just wanna be loved..."
Jill Scott "Wanna Be Loved"
So fitting, so appropriate. I wanna be on my own making mistakes, making love, making heartbreak, having one night stands, regretting it lying down and never wanting to get up. I miss a life I've never had and I want it back.

Title -

I AM JAMAICAN!

...and fucking proud of it too... Ato Boldon sit your fat, American loving ass down. I like you Bob Costas and I respect everyone's opinion but you're wrong. SIMPLE!

Resurrection

Back again to give another post, 3 days in a row can you stand it? I decided that I would resurrect some of the features I usaed to have on this site, like Weh Yu Mean?, Queerty Knows Best and Movies I Saw Last Week. So that suss plus hot guys plus reviews...seems like a good idea to me. You know me alot of pictures and all do a body good.

Let's start with the gossip...so Weh Yu Mean?

• Ele we understand the flossing is the flossing but why you have to be the one to have the tropical fruit bubbilicious color Range... Weh Yu Mean? The outfits I've seen you wearing lately, the colors...I can't. I can just imagine seeing you step out of that yellow Range Rover with those floral scarves you insist on wearing around your neck, you are indeed a whole episode of Sesame Street on your own. Broomie!
  
• Ninjaman is that Bounty sex tape real because if so...Grung Gadd you need the bullet proof skin yah now. Imagine a sex tape wid di Warlord? Cross, Angry...Eh yow yalow! HEHEHEHE! Weh Yu Mean?
  
• How me nuh hear nutten bout the girl weh dead a ATI/RTI? Weh Yu Mean? Sponsors a fraid unu fraid fi let the people know seh the girl drink herself to death? Sometimes thge price you pay for wisdom is too high.
  
• Speaking of the Emancipendence weekend I heard the venture was a fair flop... Weh Yu Mean? The promoters say that more people showed up but from the reports I've received I am disinclined to believe that. Oh well...To all those who neva pay a dime, big up unu self (JOKAAs (or is it VAAJ?) in the building!)

• How Kartel a go so hard wid the endorsements? Every where him go him have a bottle of Vybz Rum, the Daggerrin condoms soon bus, reportedly 2 albums a drop this fall and him a mash up stage shows a yard and abroad...Weh yu Mean? You really Want Money fi Spend, Spend...
  
• I have one bone of contention...QQ what kind of tight V-neck, skin tight pants foolishness you gwaan wid at the Emancipendence celebration at the National Stadium? Weh Yu Mean? I just could not take my eyes off you, I was in shock and puzzled wondering who dress you? Is your mother? Your little brother? Him lend you some of his clothes? Please stop.

Next up is Queerty Knows Best. Ladies and Gents get ready. Weak hearts do not enter...

Helge is absolutely gorgeous...*sigh*

How many times have I told Akimat I need an asian in my life?...Too many, Jack will surely do...

There's just something about Lane...Mmm Mmm Good!

Lane was too nice he had to come (wink) twice

Tattoo, in the nude, counter top? Check, check, CHECK! Micaiah come here!

Jose was so NSFW I had to crop the pic but click his pic for full disclosure!

I need a shy guy Allan seems to fit the bill...but wait click his pic for a surprise...

All men are provided by Queerty and their Morning Goods section...There are many, MANY more where they come from. ENJOY!

Now onto Movies I Saw Last Week. Ok It's been more than a week but you get it.

SEX AND THE CITY - Felt like I was watching the episodes rather than a movie but I liked it though mainly because I loved the series. The story was a little weak but it wasn't all that bad. 6.5/10

WANTED - Surprising find, this was an action filled mystery that takes you from emotion to emotion from begining to end. Nice summer blockbuster ina time when summer blockbusters are nonexistent. The way the story was told was what caught me. 8.5/10

CLOVERFIELD - I liked this movie and I didn't like it. I don't think I'm the only one who feels these conflicting emotions. I was left waiting, I'm still waiting for the conclusion. In that it's both genius and disastrous. Would I watch again? Prolly not. 5/10

MEET THE BROWNS - Tyler Perry again you dissappoint me. I never expected mindblowing but I didn't expect that. Save your money and your time. Buy the play of the same name instead thats a much better choice. 3/10

HELLBOY - Yes I know I'm late. So? This was a nice movie. I loved the story and the characters. I can't say theres any one thing that was really wrong with it. Very nice watch, looking forward to HellBoy 2. 7.5/10

PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN 3: AT WORLD'S END - Meh...I could have done without this lackluster end to what seemed to be an amazing franchise. I repeat...Meh... 6/10

SPIDERMAN 3 - This was a while back but I remember liking the story and was really happy that Peter Parker stopped the cryin thing and was able to man up a little. LOVED Topher Grace as Venom, James Franco's cute but can we stop with the Daddy complexes already? 8/10

DEVIL WEARS PRADA - Cute movie, can't see where so much buzz came from though... The clothes were superb and Anne Hathaway was sweet. Meryl Streep, love her but not her best perormance. 6.5/10

TRANSFORMERS - Fits the blockbuster formula to the T. Kinda scruffy but cute lead actor, gorgeous but tough and emotionally scarred, obvious love interest of lead, lead actress, aliens. Perfect. The acting was good, story was fairly solid, if a bit shaky in explanations. The cinematography was magnificent. Nice summer movie. 7/10

OCEAN'S 13 - Not as good as the first two movies. Not a bad way to continue the franchise though. Pleasantly surprised. I love these movies for their innovative script and stories. Very funny, very witty movie. 8/10

THE DA VINCI CODE - I pretty subjective with this one because I really liked the book. Objectively the movie followed the book almost precisely, the acting was not top performance though and if you had not read the book the movie seemed to jump from scene to scene without much of an explanation. There was definately more explanation given for happenings than most book-movie pieces have given so that was a plus. 6/10

MR. & MRS SMITH - Another shocker but I really liked this movie. The chemistry between the leads is palpable. It really is. Both were funny, witty and not bad in the acting. 7.75/10

It was fun making this post. I'll try to do it more regularly. I hate 80% of the people at my job.

Today's title pic...

Habits

The following is a little ditty I wrote about a year ago. I read it again and wondered WTF am I talking about? LOL! I can't remember where my head space was when I wrote this but it seemed like I was happy. Wish I was back there.

"First Habit by Akeina

I used to try to be more than myself,
I guess I shouldn't have tried.
I tried to do what I was told,
no, ordained to do, another fallacy of the mind.
Often times the eyes are what make it all seem real,
smoke and mirrors can never be SEEN.
I trust my heart,
my mind can follow,
I trust my soul,
the stuff magic tricks get stuck with.
I'm going to love the one i'm loving, loving, loving...
I adhere
to non adherence,
resistance and love.
I decline to make decisions based on what I'm told is right...
I'm leaving the world of sycophantism behind.
Freedom is shouting my name
and I am replying with my own shout of
YES!!!!!!!
YES!!!!!!!!
YES!!!!!!!!!"

Today's title pic was easy to find... it seems we all have them...

Love/Hate!

I wrote the following about a year ago. I rememer writing it and feeling such desperation and anger. I wanted someone to love me. I was crying out. By the end of it I was feeling like I had finally given myself permission to love myself. It's weird I know but I started my distancing then, I tried to be alone as much as possible. I let myself be there for me and though I do step back into that old life once in a while it's never frequent, never much more than I can handle because I want to be there for my friends and family. What I've noticed though is that I've become a tad indifferent to alot of things. Emotions seem out of place for me. They don't seem like me anymore. I don't cry anymore at all, I feel deatched. I try to care but most times I just say fuck it and move on. This has someting to do with my JOB too because though I love my job I hate it too and this love/hate thing is slowly making me crazy. I don't wanna go crazy so I stay home as much as possible.

"I have a nasty habit of making myself seem less than I really am. I take the back burner which often suits me fine. I wear black when I go out because basically it's slimming and it fades into the background. I don't want to be in the forefront thats not my space and I have no problem with persons who feel it is their space. More power to you. This doesn't mean that I am a pushover it simply means that I'm the one everyone falls back on when the front line gets too heavy and that is how I like it. I am the one you can depend on if the shit hits the fan so hard that you don't know what to with yourself. I'm always there. the flaw in tis is I'm never there for myself. There's no one for me to fall back on. It seems my role is so set in stone that trying to get out of it is harder than killing time. I'm the backup, the right hand man and if I can't get home til two in the morning with work the next day who cares, or if I realize that people are insulting me in front of your face why should I expect you to do anything about it. That's not your responsibility... It's mine...I guess it just took me a while to realize that. I think thats why I've decided to be the back up for my one man team.

BREAKING THE HABIT by Linkin Park
Memories consume

Like opening the wound

I’m picking me apart again

You all assume

I’m safe here in my room (unless I try to start again)

I don’t want to be the one

The battles always choose

‘Cause inside I realize

That I’m the one confused

I don’t know what’s worth fighting for

Or why I have to scream

I don’t know why I instigate

And say what I don’t mean

I don’t know how I got this way

I know it’s not alright

So I’m Breaking the habit

Tonight

Clutching my cure

I tightly lock the door

I try to catch my breath again

I hurt much more

Than anytime before

I had no options left again

I’ll paint it on the walls

‘Cause I’m the one at fault

I’ll never fight again

And this is how it ends

I don’t know what’s worth fighting for

Or why I have to scream

But now I have some clarity

To show you what I mean

I don’t know how I got this way

I’ll never be alright

So I’m Breaking the habit

Breaking the habit

Tonight "

I love me, I love the me I've become, the me I see for the future.

Title Pic...