Posts from the BB

I had a dream in which I was tied down to a bed and there was some guy in the room just going about his business. Throughout the dream I'm terrified but I know this guy's not going to do anything to me. After awhile I realize that the room was my bedroom and the guy was my spouse and me being tied down meant I was married. I was scared I didn't want to be with this guy for the rest of my life, though I guess I loved him. I don't want to get married and I was terrified to think that everyday we'd be in the same bedroom tied to each other. Relationships are scary places and if you aren't ready for them they can choke the life out of you.

In truth I've never wanted to get married, a commitment yes but never marriage its so final, so permanent.

My friend, Eanehj, and I were having a conversation about what we were looking for in our relationships now. Sure we want to have fun but after that what then? We'll spend all of our 20s having fun and when we hit 30 we realize that we're getting older but our relationships have all stayed the same. Either we've been with the same no good guy for years or we have a string of crappy relationships where we barely remember anyone's name. I'm not looking for life commitment now but I'm looking for something more substantial than a quick fuck and subsequent booty calls.

Posts from the BB

I woke up at about 11:30. After falling asleep around 8. I haven't been to sleep since and it's now 3:30am. I watched MXC which was hilarious, voice over Japanese shows are what make life bearable. Also watched a movie called 'Johns' with David Arquette and Lukas Haas, Arquette's performance was good. The movie was, for lack of a better word, ok. The good - the nature of the film about these 2 male prostitutes and their lives and 'johns' was interesting but the supporting characters of the film were more convincing than the 2 leads in my opinion. A good actor performs in a role, a passable actor pretends to be the role, a great actor becomes the role. Arquette played the same character he's been known for in all his movies, quirky a little crazy likable. Haas was meh. The movie got good reviews and I may see that in 1996 but 2009...hmmm.

Watching Law and Order:Criminal Intent (Goren and Eames baby!) something about a deaf murderer. I'm excited about Jeff Goldblum joining the show, hope its good.

I would never want to lose my hearing, my sight is crazy already but not to hear would be devastating to me. If I were born so that would be different but to become so after being able to hear all my life...Side note as my glasses broke the other day I went in to get a new pair at a cost of $11800 (about US$140) I feel so broke.

Remind me never to break any laws.

My fave two Canadian shows were going on this morn, Steven and Chris a design talk show with a gay couple Steven Sabados and Chris Hyndman and The Hour with hottie George Strombolopolous (yes I love him I even know how to spell that monster of a last name) he's funny and just my kinda cute. *sigh*

Posts from the BB

In High school I would call my friends on a daily and just talk for hours. I think that's a contributing factor that explains why we're so close now. We talked about nothing and everything, all that is important to a teenage girl. We talked about boyfriends or lack there of, sex, people at school who were awful and so on. Some of the best times of my life were spent on the phone. I fell asleep on the phone many times wit my friends, met boyfriends on the phone (I know, don't remind me). My life was centered around it and that life was good.

Our pranks are still hilarious today and still notorious amongst us. At the time we didn't all have computers or internet (dial up = BOOOOO!) And so our main means of communication was through the phone. To this day was still yack it up on the phone any chance we get that's what we grew up on, what we are most comfortable using. So spending sometime talking to my friend talking about nothing really brings me back to the days we would have a 6 person conference and everybody talking at once.

'Ok so u call me then hang up and ill call u, then u call A and let A call B I will conference C...Go!'

Wow am I old. Lol. I kinda miss it but we had to grow up sometime right? Restricted phone access was fine by me because as you get older there will come a time when you need your own space. When you've fleshed out who you are behind that mouthpiece is when you end the call and hang up the phone.

Not more than myself just all of me

Thanks so much for the feedback guys...Axela and Irrek *LOVE* *LOVE*

Writing in this blog is such a process though. Sometimes things come to me and sometimes they don't. I try to write when something hits me and when it's at the fore front of my mind so that I can immerse myself and just continue writing without stop or fail.I never censor the things I say...Ok sometimes I do but very few times and only because I don't want to hurt anyone. So mostly all you see is me. Me being random, me being quirky and weird and unhappy and ecstatic. Not more than myself just all of me.

LOLz!

Funny story. At my first Christmas party at my workplace I went with my friend Akimat. Fun right? I was new so I knew only a few people from work so I spent most of the time with my friend just walking around laughing and getting drunk. Good Times. Sometime during the night though a young man from work, i think he was walking with his girlfriend, I don't know my glasses were foggy, came up to me said 'Hi', so I say 'Hi' back but not knowing him real well my friend and I kinda slink off to the food because damn were we hungry. I asked my friend if it was rude for us to just walk away like that without saying anything because he did look poised to say something just before we left she laughed and said she didn't care and to bring on the mojitos. Again..Good Times!!

Whats funny about this is he obviously took it as a snub because in the days following the party when I saw him at work I said 'Good Morning/Afternoon/Shower' and this nigga turned his back and said shit aka nothing. At the time I LOLd like a mofo and told Akimat who did the same. It's been almost a year and a half and everytime I see him I extend greetings (not because I want this nut bucket to like me but because you never know who's packing an uzi and just may spare your life because of a good morning) and this nigga still snubs. To this day it gives me the Lolz...Oh Snubbed you make my damn day. I sat beside him today thats why I remember.

Title pic...LOLz!!

I know I've been delinquent on this blog I love so but something's messed up on the BBerry that's not allowing me to post what and when i need to. I have written a couple things that i think I'm going to post.

So when she mentioned that her husband would die for her and how cute he was I started thinking DAMN when can I get me some of that? Everyday I think about
what my experiences would be like if there were someone with whom I could share some semblance of a realness with. I'm so closed off I'm trying hard not to
panic daily. I'm very optimistic about my life and the things I want to do with
it. I keep saying it'll happen and I truly believe it. Maybe that's all I
need,that belief. I believe.

A lady said something to me at work and that's how what she said developed in my mind. I had to write it down.

I knew at the time that what he wanted wasn't to talk to me about school, being
as young as I was it should have been, but it wouldn't have been about that and
I wasn't fucking stupid and at the time maybe that's what I wanted most. I just
wanted him to see me and not cringe possibly make me feel as if I were wanted at least that one time but I chickened out because I knew I was too young, too
everything wasn't ready and I know I wasn't because it was so easy for me to
leave I just made one of my all time favorite impulsive decisions. I wondered if
he even cared that I'd left I didn't get a call until I'd reached home. I laugh
now thinking about him running around searching for my big ass.

I wrote the above remembering when I was 14 years old and going to meet my 'boyfriend' who at that time was 20 years old. Oh the young and stupid.

Eric Jerome Dickey always makes you think, even when you search for the easy way out what you get is a way out. No map, no GPS. Just a way out and its a choice you have whether you want to take that out or just see it as a lost caused. On a few occasions I've taken the way he's shown. I've not always liked the
destination but the journey has always been worth it. This book gave me a hard
hit to the arm, it jarred me but I was still standing, other books have left me
flat on my ass wishing I'd never laid eyes on it. I'm happy I read it because I
can now cross it from my list. I liked Billie but my fave was Destiny because
she was so tragic and typical human in me I steer towards the tragic. The plots
were too tidy, the entwining of the characters hurt the plot for me and again
the most developed of the characters was the 15 year old. More dynamic than the others, Billie was too nice, I mean WTF is keeping you with this dog ass nigga? It can't be love that's bullshit. I don't get passion, don't get any part of it
and so I can't understand women like Billie or Livvy or any of the characters in
Between Lovers I'm always thinking that the shit can be solved in a logical
fashion but everybody's just thinking 'fuck logic'. I can't process it. I need
some heartache. For educational purposes of course.

I wrote the above after reading 'Chasing Destiny' by Eric Jerome Dickey...need I say more?

I tried to take a breath,
the air wasn't clear,
breathless,
or so it seemed,
that's how you left me,
my
falsetto flattened,
my soprano stalled,
breathless,
my mind a blank I could only stare,
I wondered if we'd
fit,
you were so big,
anatomically,
personality,
grandeur,
beauty,
breathless,
dreaming you saw the same qualities
of shared realities in me,
as breathless as I,
dreaming as I.

No idea who the above poem is for but I guess I was feeling someone.

A
Bear
Called
Down
Everest
Frowning
'Go'
He
Intimated
Jostling
Kicking,
Like
Moving
Needed
Oration.
'Please
Quiet'
Repeated.
So
Tame
Until
Verbally
Warned
Yet
Zealous

This poem was written in my "I'm crazy and idle" phase but it's one of my favorites

Again thanks so much for visiting, reading whatevering. I do have a treat for you ladies and some gents... !!Hot Guy of this Day!! Today's treat is Columbus Short, Hot Guy of September 19, 1982...

Columbus - The boy's name Columbus \c(o)-lu-mbus\. Variant of the Latin word meaning "dove". Made famous by Christopher Columbus, the Italian explorer who discovered America.

Weekend!

Had a great weekend in Ocho Rios where I swam for the first time in years. I forgot how amazing it is to just submerge yourself in water or to swim across a pool and feel weightelss. One of the better weekends of my life and it was shockingly not as expensive as I would have originally thought. I stayed at this great place called Chrisanns Beach Resort. The room was amazing and inexpensive and it was just truly a great weekend. VAAJ strikes again.

Title pic -