You and your bullshit

Lovely patronizing tone (as usual) when it's heavily apparent I haven't spoken to you for weeks. Months actually. Not concern I'm sure, most likely exasperation. Let me see what could it be that you may want? Another boyfriend checking your account? Want me to shut it down. No that's fine, I'm fine oh right you didn't ask. What else? You want some credit sure no problem no I'm not so fine...right I keep forgetting you haven't asked. Oh wait a text message...aren't we speaking? I should laugh it's that fucking hilarious but I've found my funny bone has departed and all I'm left with is an unsympathetic, insensitive bitch sending me messages. Shit don't get me wrong I'm a big fucking bitch but not to you. Never to any of you.

I was actually interested in your life, invested putting 100% getting 50% but at least I wasn't alone and I could pretend that my life didn't suck as much. Doesn't matter now because with the advent of this lovely year comes amazing clarity. I'm clear as fuck about me and what I want out of life and with every passing second with every plan I make and every dream I aspire to I think about your endearing enthusiasm (HA!) And say fuck you. I'll do it anyway, my way because you've always intimated I couldn't. You aren't there. You're never there. That's crazy to me. But I care less and less about you and your bullshit.

Posts from the new BB

I made a bucket list a few months ago. Not very detailed just some of he major things I'd love to do before I die. As 'be somebody' by Kings of Leon plays in my ear it's very fitting for the thoughts I'm currently having. I don't want notoriety, I've never wanted fame (fortune yes). I just want to be somebody to somebody.

My Momma loves me to death. I'm her second baby and her favorite. She never birthed me but she made me possible by having my father. He's her love and I'm her favorite. Our places in her life can never be superseded. She spoiled and spoils us as best she can. This is the life I want for my kids. I want them to know they are the most important person to someone. I don't ever want them to feel neglected or unloved.

Thought about getting married for the first time ever today. Marriage feels like a trap to me, but I seriously thought about it today. I hope to one day find someone who I can tolerate for more than a week at a time and vice versa. We'll have kids (hopefully) and adopt some kids and teach these kids to love themselves and others. To be respectful of everyone and everything and to be strong, smart, educated, theory challenging people who someday may change the world or just change their world.

Above all else I hope my kids are happy. I know I'm dreaming of a fairy tale. Marriage takes work. Raising children takes work. Being happy well adjusted human beings takes work. But I thought of marriage today to the right person and I added it to my bucket list. I guess I feel up to the challenge.

Year of sick Tsagrednerp

This year hasn't been the best for me. I've made countless trips to the doctor with different ailments from ear infections, at least 2, food poisoning, at least 3 times, migraines that won't quit after medication, back pain, now the craziest sore throat I've ever had and I've had laryngitis before.

The worst part is my doc told me to lose 25 pounds 3 months ago. I've gained 4. *whine time* I hate working out at home, except for yoga and I'm much more productive at the gym. Blah blah blah.

I hate being sick though because I have no control over it. I can't control the pain, the coughs, the fever any of it. Can't control any of it and that's where my problem lies.

That's just physically. Mentally I've been all over the place. The problem with being so close to your team mates and team is that when you're not able to back them up, when you're not able to be there then you feel guilty. I hate feeling anything much less guilt. I have no choice though, when I'm sick.

Another trip to the doctor today and another sick day logged plus blood tests on Sunday. Feels awesome. *cries*