Posts from the new BB

That everybody deserves a second chance bullshit has been running through my mind lately.

The truth of it is people fuck up all the time. I can't even begin to count the mistakes I've made in this short lifetime. People fuck up because we're not perfect. The smart thing to do is to learn from these mistakes and try not to fuck up in that particular way again. Sometimes you have to lay your shit bare especially when your fuck up negatively affects other people. You have to bear that weight of asking them to forgive you.

If that were the case and the all the bullshit was laid out on the table for us to sift through and find the truth I'd be willing to put away all the fuckery we've endured over the last year or so in order to have my friend back in my life. That however is not the case.
Continued pretense of life being great can only last for so long before you break. If you'd been real with us you'd have someone there to help when that break happens but that was not your choice. You chose and your choice was not us. That hurts, still, sometimes. Not as often any more. Just a twinge, like a forgotten bruise that accidentally gets bumped reminding you of it's presence.

Several times we've been asked to give a second chance. How can we when you've never asked for it?

Posts from the New BB

I think the lightening and rain just woke me up to read that message. An old friend of mine from school, great person, will be moving to France for work. She sent an email to let everyone know. Even though we haven't spoken in years she sent me an email to let me know.

A dream of mine has always been to get a job in a foreign land. I'm happy for her, very happy, because she is such a great person and her sincerity and kindness and intelligence is what we all want to spread across the world to show that we Jamaicans are more than the few parts shown on international screens.

I'd be lying though if I said I wasn't jealous. I have my own plans for later this year and I had previously considered the programme she's a part of but the resources I'd need to participate in it just aren't there so I've chosen a different path. I've chosen it and have been sending nothing but positive thoughts into the universe hoping against hope that this wish, this dream of mine will come true.

I was sound asleep when the thunder woke me. I don't know if I should take it as a sign that this dream I'm cooking up, this seemingly impossible dream is going to come to fruition but reading her email gave me hope. I don't feel as fucked as I did before. I guess the rains brought me hope to this deserted dream deferred. I'm hoping that's the case. Now it's brought fertile thoughts to my mind and I can't go back to sleep.

Posts from the BB

I've been up since 5:40AM thinking and not thinking about this interview I have today. I forced myself to do some yoga and to eat and to keep my mind as relaxed and as far away from the words job and interview.

The interview's at 3PM and the closer I get to the time, the more nervous I become. I'm just short of real panic. First real panic of the day was trying on the outfit I had picked out and hating it. So I rummaged through my mother's closet for something semi appropriate.

Trying on clothes made me realize that I have indeed lost weight and I have no real interview clothes. So I threw something together, hoping that my stellar personality and intelligence will get me through... Bwahahahaha. I couldn't keep a straight face while typing that. My confidence is shit. My goal right now is to not vomit all over these people.

Job interviews are always stressful, I'm concentrating on some deep breathing exercises to keep me calm and awake. I'm also hoping I can put all the bullshit aside and pull out a stellar performance.

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure." - Marian Williamson