Posts from the new BB

That everybody deserves a second chance bullshit has been running through my mind lately.

The truth of it is people fuck up all the time. I can't even begin to count the mistakes I've made in this short lifetime. People fuck up because we're not perfect. The smart thing to do is to learn from these mistakes and try not to fuck up in that particular way again. Sometimes you have to lay your shit bare especially when your fuck up negatively affects other people. You have to bear that weight of asking them to forgive you.

If that were the case and the all the bullshit was laid out on the table for us to sift through and find the truth I'd be willing to put away all the fuckery we've endured over the last year or so in order to have my friend back in my life. That however is not the case.
Continued pretense of life being great can only last for so long before you break. If you'd been real with us you'd have someone there to help when that break happens but that was not your choice. You chose and your choice was not us. That hurts, still, sometimes. Not as often any more. Just a twinge, like a forgotten bruise that accidentally gets bumped reminding you of it's presence.

Several times we've been asked to give a second chance. How can we when you've never asked for it?

Posts from the New BB

I think the lightening and rain just woke me up to read that message. An old friend of mine from school, great person, will be moving to France for work. She sent an email to let everyone know. Even though we haven't spoken in years she sent me an email to let me know.

A dream of mine has always been to get a job in a foreign land. I'm happy for her, very happy, because she is such a great person and her sincerity and kindness and intelligence is what we all want to spread across the world to show that we Jamaicans are more than the few parts shown on international screens.

I'd be lying though if I said I wasn't jealous. I have my own plans for later this year and I had previously considered the programme she's a part of but the resources I'd need to participate in it just aren't there so I've chosen a different path. I've chosen it and have been sending nothing but positive thoughts into the universe hoping against hope that this wish, this dream of mine will come true.

I was sound asleep when the thunder woke me. I don't know if I should take it as a sign that this dream I'm cooking up, this seemingly impossible dream is going to come to fruition but reading her email gave me hope. I don't feel as fucked as I did before. I guess the rains brought me hope to this deserted dream deferred. I'm hoping that's the case. Now it's brought fertile thoughts to my mind and I can't go back to sleep.

Posts from the BB

I've been up since 5:40AM thinking and not thinking about this interview I have today. I forced myself to do some yoga and to eat and to keep my mind as relaxed and as far away from the words job and interview.

The interview's at 3PM and the closer I get to the time, the more nervous I become. I'm just short of real panic. First real panic of the day was trying on the outfit I had picked out and hating it. So I rummaged through my mother's closet for something semi appropriate.

Trying on clothes made me realize that I have indeed lost weight and I have no real interview clothes. So I threw something together, hoping that my stellar personality and intelligence will get me through... Bwahahahaha. I couldn't keep a straight face while typing that. My confidence is shit. My goal right now is to not vomit all over these people.

Job interviews are always stressful, I'm concentrating on some deep breathing exercises to keep me calm and awake. I'm also hoping I can put all the bullshit aside and pull out a stellar performance.

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure." - Marian Williamson

How do I save myself?

How do I save myself? Where can I swim, where can I jump? Where does it feel ok? I read that there are portals on earth that transfer to the sun. I wondered seriously if a person could be transferred. I'd die in a nanosecond. What a way to go. Is that the spot where I feel ok?

How do I save myself?

Posts From The New BB

It's hard feeling unlovable. It's hard craving a certain type of love and not being able to source it. It's a difficult life when you imagine the next 5 years and though you see yourself fulfilling some dreams you can't help but notice the emptiness.

Sitting here another summer, another set of dreams, another set of realities that I have to deal with. I'm stuck again. Between feeling feelings and trying to suppress them or let them loose I'm still uncertain. Every year I break down I guess it's that time of year.

I have this uncontrollable need to list my 'I nevers' I never did this, I never did that, I never went here, will I ever? The more I list the more I remember and the longer the list grows. Headache now.

I'm tired of hearing how far I am or how odd I am, how fat and ugly. I'm tired of telling myself all this bullshit that don't mean fuck. No esteem. How does anyone get any? I fake that shit with people I don't care about. Which happens to be 99.9999999999% of my current immediate population. Then I treat the people who mean something like shit. Awesome life.

I'm not DTF. I'm not desperate in any way. I'm alone and lonely and I scream for affection but I don't want to be degraded. I'm looking for someone to fuck me as I cry and have that actually mean something. Sure it might scare the shit out of them. Yet they don't chalk it up to 'bitches being crazy'.

Shit I'm looking at the next 5 years of my life and I can't see the sunshine for the rain.

I can't even grow my fucking fingernails.

Posts from the new BB

I've always hated when people say I listen to 'white people music'. It bothers me that by their standards I have to listen to a certain type of music or laugh at certain jokes, or watch certain programs to be 'black enough'. Well I'm plenty black and I'm damn sure 'black enough' whatever the fuck that may mean.

I refuse to apologize or justify to anyone the things I enjoy doing, the person I enjoy being and the people I enjoy being with. Whether my choices are 'black enough' or I'm 'acting white' is foolish, bigoted speech which frankly should be forever outlawed. Pray tell how does one act white? How is it ever possible for a black person to not  be 'black enough'?

When will we start realizing that who we are is enough? Just enough. Never less than we think and certainly more in most cases but we are enough. Whether I feel connected to 3 Doors Down or Vybz Kartel, whether I speak in proper English or release my patois roots I am more than enough. It's so stupid to ever  judge someone as not 'something' enough by your standards because it's bullshit. Why would your standards be more important than my own? When would your opinion be more valued than my own? Oh let me answer that for you never.

How does my listening to music genres not deemed 'urban' define my existence? I am the daughter of a black people, granddaughter of a black people, great-grand daughter of black people, great-great grand daughter of black people. I will forever be 'black enough' as it is my existence, it is who I am and who I will forever be. If you use material things to prove and disprove who you are then one can argue that you are nothing more than a passing fad. You are nothing and will never be anything. Society has fucked so many of us up.

We are always enough. I am enough and so are you.

Posts from the new BB

I started having panic attacks in high school. The first time I literally thought I was going to die and I did not have any clue what to do. The depression started in my teen years as well, the double whammy almost knocked me out of this game called life. Many years of suicidal thoughts, feelings of inadequacy and emotional upheavals followed where I tried to keep it all a secret.

I only have my grandmother, who raised me, whom I love and I know loves me but the generational gap was too wide and we don't have that connection where I can tell her anything about what's really going on. She's old school traditional too so any psychological issue can be solved by two scoops of church and a handful of Jesus.

My friends did not understand why I would just bust out crying without any preamble or warning and had no clue what to do when I'd have an anxiety attack. I always kept my suicidal thoughts a secret because I felt for sure if I ever told anyone they'd have me institutionalized. My greatest fear is being locked away and felt no one would understand me or my disorders.

I remember I was walking home from work one day and out of the blue I was in it I was literally trapped on the sidewalk. I couldn't go back I couldn't go forward. I was just stuck there and needed help. I called a close friend but she was unavailable. I think I called her 20 times. So I became irrationally angry at her. How dare she not be there to help? So I was terrified out of my mind in the throes of an attack and livid that she wasn't there to help.

Reliving that now and those feelings are just the worst. A few years ago I was having panic attacks almost ever week. I wanted to die. I hoped I didn't live, I thought there is no way people can survive feeling this way. I haven't had a full blown attack in about a year or so, I have little reminders, now and then, that I'm still fucked but I've learned how to get through them and I can 'manage' the small attacks.

I won't even lie and say I don't have thoughts about giving up because I do, sometimes it's daily, most times though I look forward to another day and everyday seems a little better than the last nowadays which is amazing. Even that glimmer of hope is something I never thought I'd have.

Posts from the New BB

I lost some friend-family last year which totally messed me up. It derailed so much of my plans, I literally fell into grieving and could not escape. I was not aware of it a majority of the time until I really evaluated why I was so sad all the time and why I just couldn't find my happiness.

In losing them I lost a part of myself, my childhood officially ended and I was thrust into this newness that I was unfamiliar with and so afraid of. I didn't discover that, though our friendship had died, I was still whole until the latter part of the year. After noticeable weight gain, several depressive episodes, anxiety attacks and suicidal thoughts. To say it was difficult would be an understatement.

I'm better now. Finally able to see some light ahead. Finally pulling my ass out of one of the worst periods of my life. So as I look forward to making plans and seeing those plans through and living my dreams and bringing them to fruition, I finally feel hope.

Hope is such a dangerous emotion. Too much and people become blind and naïve, too little and you're a cynical skeptic. The balance is so difficult. I'm scared shitless about the plans I'm putting in place in the next few months.

Fear grabs hold of me sometimes and makes it difficult to breathe. Through all of that I still have hope. Enough that I'm as equally excited as I am fearful that it will all be ok and I will be ok and just enough to still give me that edge that ensures that I prepare myself for whatever success and failure will surely come my way in the next months.

I'm hopeful and I'm going for it. Fuck that YOLO bullshit, I'm going for it because to not is to have wasted every good grade I've ever received, every minute of my Mother's worry about feeding us, every hour of study I ever did. My Mom's hope for me has always been for me to be happy if I don't go for it I'd disappoint her and myself.

Above all else I'm doing it all for me because this is who I am and what I want and I don't want to waste another second of this amazing life being anyone but me.

Posts from the new BB

Reconnecting. There's nothing more eye opening than reconnecting with someone after a few months or years and realizing how much you've changed or how much the person's changed.

You kind of expect them to be the same or at least a little piece of you expects that. Depending on how the connection ended in the first place you may wish and hope the person has changed.

Initially it's awkward, whatever groove you had developed before is never the same. In a weird way you'll grieve the loss of that. This part of you and them has died and you'll miss it, you'll be sad. You may never recover that groove you may no longer be as close friends as you were before or the opposite e may be true. Your bond may be stronger than it ever was before.

I've always argued that friendships and romantic relationships have the same tenets, the same issues, take the same amount of work and can cause irrevocable damage if the end or get broken. My friends have been my family in the absence of such in my life and those relationships have been some of the most rewarding, most painful, most amazing experiences of my life.

We've grown apart, we've grown together, we're growing up.

Posts from new BB

I may not look it but I am competitive type of bitch. I'll work my ass off to do good especially at things I'm interested in and passionate about. I'll go without sleep, I'll do double triple overtime to ensure that what I produce not only achieves the standard but surpasses it. But…here's that bitch word but. Once I lose interest I don't give a fuck about it. I don't even give it a second glance. Unfortunately this is what's happening to me at my job. I'm over my current position. Like so far over it I'm flying to the fucking moon. As I'm over it there's nothing in it that captivates me at all. In fact I'm just working for the paycheck because other than that this job holds no mystique for me at all. I wont go so far as to say I hate it but it doesn't stimulate me intellectually at all.

 

This and only this can explain the abysmal score (in my eyes) that I received for the last observatory period. Usually my score exceeds expectation without much effort from me but as I have placed even less effort than normal my score is simply an achieved. UGHHHHHH!!!!!! Yes of course it's my fault. I understand that without any effort my score will fall but I just feel less and less enamored with the position than ever. I have been searching and submitting my resume for other positions with no luck. Instead what I will do is re-invigorate myself and put more effort into this position. I don't want to get fired so I'm going to pump it up.

 

My plans depend on me having a job where I can make a nice enough living that will allow me to save to make those plans come to fruition so I've got to do better. I guess starting today I will be.

Maybe I am a Gryffindor after all.

If all things go as planned *crosses fingers & prays* I will be embarking on a different path in my life by September of next year. I'm scared out of my mind. Genuinely scared that I'll fail but without having tried that's an automatic fail.

I never saw my path, which ironically was staring me in the face, until fairly recently. I thought I knew what I wanted to do and be but passions change and I need to start living my true passion now as I have no idea how much longer I have left.

Over the past few week's I've felt so alone and lonely. I haven't been living for myself and as I have been slowly opening my eyes over the last few years I am starting to see the light. I have needs and wants and dreams that I'm leaving unfulfilled because of what I deem as my responsibility to others. But if I continue this way I will wither away having given my life away. That's not what I want for myself and that's not what the people who love me want for me.

I'm trying to snatch those dreams while I still can. It matters to me that I live a full life, that I find true love and get my heart broken, that I bet it all on black win big and hopefully lose small but if I lose big I hope I leave with lessons that will propel me into the next big score. I'll surely fall, no one is ever 100% accurate at life, I will surely fall and fail but I hope I have the strength to get back up every time.

So I'm taking a new path, a path that will surely lead me into places I've never been and people who will both fascinate and infuriate me and yes I'm scared but my excitement is beyond capacity so much so that I'm pushing past my fears, using my fear instead to make sure I'm prepared for what may lay ahead. I guess this is bravery? Maybe I am a Gryffindor after all.

Posts from the new BB

I used to buy a burger and soda from Burger King almost every Friday in high school. We were definitely living in the poor bracket. My Mom was the only source of income and though my parents tried sometimes, often and in most instances we didn't get help from them. Those who have lived at this level and lower know how much that fucks with you. You find many outlets to express your frustration.

Lots of creative and expressive people rise from the ghetto. This upbringing made me both unhappy and creative. I vowed to never be there ever again and I would read anything I could put my hands on so that I could escape. So that I could live someone else's dream and life. I wanted to be anyone but myself and anywhere but where I was.

So every Friday what money I had saved and not used to buy new books I would go to Burger King and buy the tiniest of burgers and a soda and I'd go home and savor it. I would be so happy in that moment because I felt like everyone else. I felt normal. It didn't matter that we didn't get running water til I was high school or that we didn't have in door plumbing. I was just like any other kid who could afford to eat a burger.

We all have these moments and things we use to make ourselves feel better. This memory makes me sad sometimes and makes me really think about all the other kids who don't even have that even this simple a dream. Makes me want to scream for those, especially kids, who have less than I had. Who don't have a burger on Fridays to look forward to, it can make one go crazy.

I wonder what I can do to ease that even for one child.

Posts from new BB

I miss watching HBO's Def Poetry Jam with my friend on Fridays. Miss sitting as close to the TV as possible with closed caption on so I could hear and see every word. We would watch together and discuss afterwards. The good, the hilarious and the bad. We would discuss the feelings they brought up and what had inexplicably change within us from the art we had witnessed.

I remember we talked about the overwhelming love we felt for our mothers one night and the struggles and hardships they went through but would never show to us. I declared that there was nothing I would not do for her and I cried for her. For her youth, for her son, my father, for the opportunities an chances missed and gained. I cried so hard for her. In that moment I cried and I healed and we cried together and it was good.

I miss being this with my friend. I miss knowing who we were together. I miss the nights spent laughing and prophesizing and building plans for the everything we would do together. I miss our vibe together that we were so funny and fun together.

I miss who I once was sometimes. As fucked up as she was the pain was all masked by a kind of forced joy. As flawed as I now realize she was she had a 'fuck it all' attitude that I just don't partake in now. Right now the joy I feel is different, I'm different. My happiness is not a mask for deeper more unhealthy emotions, but I do miss the abandon of youth.

I miss that me sometimes. Miss her ease of laughter and lack of cynicism. Her total lack of awareness, her naivete. Before life beat that shit out of me I used to dream the dreamers dreams. Grandiose plans for my life and my future. Sure I didn't have a clue what or who I wanted to be but that didn't stop me from flinging things out like a 7 year old. 'I wanna be a lawyer, no a therapist, no I wanna be an air force ranger." Ha. I was fucking hilarious. I still dream and I dream big but my dreams have purpose and power now. More structured but still free. I dream the grown up dreamers dreams.

I've found that since we all change and become more of ourselves people tend to put down their old selves never admitting to liking who they were because who they were totally contradicts who they are now. I look back fondly with no regrets and encourage everyone to do the same.

I've never been more clear about who I am today and I figure tomorrow will bring even more clarity. Look back and reminisce but don't regret that old self and that old self's choices. There's nothing you can do to change the past, look back and try to find the lessons hidden within these memories. Learn from what the you back then is trying to teach. Pay attention to yourself.

Blurb from the new BB

My earliest memory is waddling into the shower where my father was bathing. I remember it was an outside shower and I remember feeling curious thinking 'What's this? What's that noise?' I don't remember seeing him naked but I remember the sun on my face and opening the door but I don't remember seeing anything. I also remember everyone laughing. It's one of my fondest.

Posts from the BB

I'll be 26 years old in 24 hours. Amazing shit to think about because I still vividly remember walking to Primary school. I've technically been an adult for 8 years now. That's hilarious to me because I still feel like a kid.

I may have my moments where I think "Damn I'm getting older..." but I definitely appreciate the fact that I am able to get older. That I am able to experience new things and people without trepidation. I turn 26 in a few hours and I'm happy about it.

Am I where I want to be at 26? No. Do I still have weak moments that make me question my life and my choices? Yup. Growing older is not easy. Living your life is simultaneously the easiest and the most difficult thing in existence. I can't say I'm happy but I'm not unhappy either.

My prayers are filled with keeping my family, my Momma safe and healthy and wishes for continued blessings. I've been blessed to live these last 26 years as tsagrednerp. Here's to another 26 and beyond.

Posts from the new BB

I'm terribly self absorbed. I like to analyze my feelings, look into myself and try to work on those issues within that prevent me from getting to happy. This tends to sometimes bar me from reaching out to those closest to me to find out what may be happening in their lives.

Five times out of 10 I will ask usually I wait for you to tell me. Hate forcing people to share when they aren't ready to. This I've found is something that has changed as I've grown. When I was younger I was all about putting me last because that's what I felt my position was. That mind set has definitely changed. Apart from my Mom, my happiness comes first. My sanity comes first. It has to or I will never survive.

This doesn't mean that I don't care about people or refuse to aid or assist in any way I can. It just means that I can still help, I can still be there for the ones I love while keeping a piece of me for me. I find that a lot of people either throw there all into someone, shit I've been guilty of, or they don't give a fuck about people. It's a crazy balance that you have to find for your own life.

It's an interesting journey trying to figure out who you are as a single entity. It's also misguided to think you can really know who exactly you are being really young. Youth is meant to be enjoyed and mistakes are meant to be made. We discover as we go along. The person you think you are now is not the same person you're going to know in 5 years.

It's a difficult thing, this growing up. People often use the term to mean becoming more responsible. Fuck responsibility. Growing up is just getting older. There is no average age for anyone to stop learning things or developing their personality.

Life is too fucking short to live by anyone else's rules and you have to pay attention or you will miss it.

In short - love yourself first, love others and never stop learning.

Posts from the new BB

Please remind me never to watch 'Brokeback Mountain' again. I think this is my fourth viewing and I break every time. Every time. My heart breaks, my spirit is weak, I'm just shattered. Thoughts of who I am and the dreams I'm choosing and the dreams I've given up on run through my mind. I guess everyone goes through the same. Or not. Loads of people don't connect to stuff like that and that's fine. For me though I always gain something from the message, from my tears.

I don't want to wait 20 years stop and look around only to realize that my dream deferred is nothing more than a memory. I don't want to hide who I am. I don't want to say 'I wish I had...' I never want to live that life. I need to stop watching this movie.

I'm snatching up every opportunity I can find this year. Volunteering, trips, more writing, more freedom, more everything. Above all else this movie is an embodiment of it CAN be too late, be who you are, love who you love, follow your dream today because tomorrow is not promised. Damn I can't stop crying I'm def going a few years without seeing this one again.

Posts from the New BB

Did I mention how better off I am single? Because seriously it's the best state to be in. For me at least. I won't lie and say it stinks to have someone because it doesn't stink. In fact most times it smells wonderful. Being single is just awesome too and if you aren't with the right person then a relationship can feel like a bear trap.

I miss the intimacy of sex though. It's hard not having someone to share that with. Masturbation is only good up to a point and porn is just so boring. I like my freedom but I don't do casual sex and if I have any type of relationship with someone I don't want them to go outside the relationship for anything. I'm not into polyamorous relationships either because I can get insanely jealous and that just wouldn't work for me.

Dilemma!

I like long distance relationships. There's something about someone being far away that works for me. I would not have to see/talk to them everyday. I could see them only a few times a year and we can have our own lives while maintaining something stable. I like learning about other cultures too so that works out great.

I did a search online once trying to find a dating site for people who specifically prefer long distance or are only able to pursue long distance relationships. Found nothing. Prison sites mostly. o_O Yeah...no.

Maybe I'm just being picky.

My name is L-O-N-E-L-Y

Sometimes I wonder if love is really worth it. I seek it. I seek love and acceptance but I wonder if the heartbreak I experience along the way is really worth it. Worth the time, the effort, the sheer physical and mental energy you expunge to get it, keep it and try not to let it turn to shit.

I'm tired of looking though. It's getting to a point where it just seems like all the effort I put out there's nothing being reeled in. I love me, I've had to because it I'd my life and if I waste it thinking about bullshit I'll never experience anything. But I'm so tired of searching for love.

Why's it so easy for some? Dudes see me as another homie. I don't want to be anyone but me...

You know what I'm tired of my own bullshit. The lyrics to one of my fave songs if you've never heard it look it up.

Where I Wanna Be - Donnell Jones
I said I left my baby girl a message
Sayin' I won't be coming home
I'd rather be alone
She doesn't fully understand me
That I'd rather leave than to cheat
If she gives me some time
I can be the man she needs
But there's a lot of lust inside of me
And we've been together since our teenage years
I really don't mean to hurt her, but I need some time
To be alone

[Chorus 1]
But when you love someone
You just don't treat them bad
Oh, how I feel so sad
Now that I wanna leave
She's crying her heart to me
How could you let this be?
I just need time to see
Where I wanna be
Where I wanna be...

Sweet little dee-do-dee-dee...
I don't mean to hurt you, baby, oh, no, no...

[Verse 2]
Never did I imagine
That you would play a major part
In a decision that's so hard
Do I leave, do I stay, do I go?
I think about my life and what matters to me the most
Girl, the love that we share is real
But in time your heart will heal
I'm not saying I'm gone
But I have to find what life is like
Without you

[Chorus 1]

Sweet little dee-do-dee-dee...
I don't mean to hurt you, baby

[Chorus 2 x3]
See when you love someone
You just don't treat them bad
Oh, how I feel so sad
Now that I wanna leave
She's crying her heart to me
How could you let this be?
And I just need time to see
Where I wanna be

Where I wanna be...

World AIDS Day

Another day I wish we did not have to denotate but for those who are unaware December 1st is World AIDS Day. I cannot reiterate enough how important it is to get tested and to encourage others especially young people to get tested. Knowing your status and being safe can save so many lives. Save your own life by getting tested. Save the life of a friend, encourage them to get tested. HIV is truly not a death sentence but we should all try to live our fullest life without ailments or sickness. Let's stay safe and make conscious informed decisions.

 

The Jamaica AIDS Support provides free and anonymous testing services so there really is no reason to stay ignorant of your status. HIV/AIDS is a prevenatble disease that kills millions of people every year. Let us be mindful of those persons who have gone on and honor their memory by doing our best to live a happy, healthy, blessed life.

 

Estimated HIV prevalence and deaths due to AIDS in the Caribbean, as at 2009

 

Country	Living with HIV/AIDS		Deaths due to AIDS during 2009
	All people	Adult (15-49) prevalence %
Bahamas	6,600	3.1	<500
Barbados	2,100	1.4	<100
Cuba	7,100	0.1	<100
Dominican Republic	57,000	0.9	2,300
Haiti	120,000	1.9	7,100
Jamaica	32,000	1.7	1,200
Trinidad and Tobago	15,000	1.5	<1,000

It should be noted that the above figures are estimates and are made with a large degree of uncertainty. For example, the number of people living with HIV in the Bahamas is estimated as being between 2,600 and 11,000.

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