I sometimes feel as if I've never fallen asleep. Never felt that bone deep rest that everyone else feels. I feel like I've been awake all my life and I just want to lay down and sleep for once, forever.

I fight this feeling a lot. I kick and I claw my mind away from it because I know there's only one way to get it. Only one way and I don't have the courage to do it. These thoughts scare me shitless. I'm scared of dying but I fear life. A whirlwind of fear. A fucking tornado and I'm scared of everything.
I feel like I'm waiting to be set free. I'm struggling to find that freedom in life so it leads me to think of the alternative. Maybe freedom is nothigness. I just don't want to go before my Mom does. I don't want her to feel she failed.

So for her I hold on. I fight and I kick and I curse and I claw my way away from that. Sometimes I feel like I'm screaming so hard but no one hears me. I'm hoping it's enough that I can hear It and I want to soothe what aches. I'm hoping as I always hope that I am enough.

Posts from the New BB

My father continues to fuck with my emotions. After literally years in between calls/visits he's calling me now "just to call"?! Like I'm emotionally no where near a place I can even begin to think about being anything but a stranger to you.

Some days I wish I could have a sit down with him and ask all those questions I've wanted to ask. I want to be able to cry and let him know how hard it's been being all by myself. Thinking I had no one but me and wondering if I'd be strong enough to survive by myself. I want to tell him these things and hope it damages him irreparably because that's how I've been damaged.

I don't know if we can have any type of relationship but then again I thought I'd stop wanting a father when I was a young kid and realized he was never going to be there but I guess I'm still just that kid.

Sometimes I wonder about my heart. I crave heartache, I crave chaos and turbulence. Love and loss. Anything to break this calm resolve. There's nothing on the surface, no anger or happiness or love or hurt. Nothing. I fear that cold will spread to the rest of me. I fear I'll never feel anything out loud. I fear the dark that I feel enveloping me and I fear those acts that are only completed in darkness.

I feel so lonely sometimes. It's so hard craving human touch and then flinching whenever someone gets too close. I fear they'll feel how cold I am and be repulsed and never deign to touch me again. So I push everyone away and continue to get cold.

I wonder about my true self and about this fear I have that my true self is this nothingness that I feel. I worry about it. I'm a work in progress and that's still difficult to accept. I just want to be ok and be content with that.

________________________________

Notice of Confidentiality:

The information contained in this communication is intended solely for the use of the individual or entity to whom it is addressed and others authorized to receive it. It may contain confidential or legally privileged information. If you are not the intended recipient you are hereby notified that any disclosure, copying, distribution or taking any action in reliance on the contents of this information is strictly prohibited and may be unlawful. If you have received this communication in error, please notify us immediately by responding to this email and then delete it from your system.

New year, good year?

The year began with me suffering from the flu. I missed a few days of work because it had me laid all the way out. Even so this year I didn't feel left out or that I missed anything by celebrating the newness in sleep which is kind of new for me. In the past I have felt and expressed my loathing of staying home on New Year's Eve. Being home felt like my ushering a new year in the same monotony I had done the previous 364 days. I've always felt that being out, no matter where, would be much better than spending it alone at home watching other people have fun. This year though I was happy to be home. Sure I was recovering from the flu but it felt like it was exactly where I needed to be. Maybe this is another adult achievement unlocked, the one where you don't stress the small shit like whether or not you're at home to celebrate a new year. A lot of that has been happening lately. Adult achievements gained I mean, like paying off my student's loan, actually applying for that job I really want, going back to school, seriously figuring out what I want to do with my life, making concrete plans to achieve my goals, tolerating less and less fuckery.

I've been 1upping all over the place. It feels exhilarating and I'm sure bad times lay ahead somewhere, bad times are always ahead…somewhere, but I think I can handle them a little better than I did even 2 years ago.

And like I know bad times are ahead somewhere I know good times are everywhere, waiting for me to open my eyes and claim them and that's what this year is about for me. I vowed to say yes more this year, to be more action and less talk. I vowed to get a little healthier, to eat better and put some cardio in my life. I promised to get that piercing I've been putting off and go blonde and wear more dresses and go to the beach more often. I vowed to take more trips locally and internationally, to visit my brothers and mother. I vowed to make my Mom's life a thousand times better in whatever form I can. I vowed to make every second, every breath, every step and every decision count. Feels like I'm marrying myself, and in a way I kind of am. I'm taking responsibility for my life and the choices I have made in it. I'm taking responsibility and I'm working to improve my life. I think that's what becoming an adult means.

This also includes choosing who I want to spend my time with and who I allow to be a part of my life. There are a lot of things I tolerate about people and their beliefs but one thing I refuse to tolerate and have been vocal, somewhat, about is the blatant homophobia that some people in our society perpetuate. The lies people tell themselves to justify their treatment of others is fucking ridiculous. If we do not seriously examine the root and cause of this problem it will never be solved, it will never get better and this country will continue to suffer for it. The bible and religion are not the whole story and using it as an excuse to treat people the way they have done is the tragedy that befalls our amazing nation. We are so resilient and wonderful and I love being Jamaican but I HATE the way some people use their fucked up beliefs to justify their unjustifiable hate of and actions against a subsection of our society. It's fucked  up and I'm not here for it. And I'm not here for anyone who continues to spew the bullshit.

So this year is my year, the year of the grump, because let's face it I'm kind of a miserable bitch. I'm claiming it in all it's glory, in all it's magnificence I claim it. It's mine and I'm ready. Let's go!