Love/Hate!

I wrote the following about a year ago. I rememer writing it and feeling such desperation and anger. I wanted someone to love me. I was crying out. By the end of it I was feeling like I had finally given myself permission to love myself. It's weird I know but I started my distancing then, I tried to be alone as much as possible. I let myself be there for me and though I do step back into that old life once in a while it's never frequent, never much more than I can handle because I want to be there for my friends and family. What I've noticed though is that I've become a tad indifferent to alot of things. Emotions seem out of place for me. They don't seem like me anymore. I don't cry anymore at all, I feel deatched. I try to care but most times I just say fuck it and move on. This has someting to do with my JOB too because though I love my job I hate it too and this love/hate thing is slowly making me crazy. I don't wanna go crazy so I stay home as much as possible.

"I have a nasty habit of making myself seem less than I really am. I take the back burner which often suits me fine. I wear black when I go out because basically it's slimming and it fades into the background. I don't want to be in the forefront thats not my space and I have no problem with persons who feel it is their space. More power to you. This doesn't mean that I am a pushover it simply means that I'm the one everyone falls back on when the front line gets too heavy and that is how I like it. I am the one you can depend on if the shit hits the fan so hard that you don't know what to with yourself. I'm always there. the flaw in tis is I'm never there for myself. There's no one for me to fall back on. It seems my role is so set in stone that trying to get out of it is harder than killing time. I'm the backup, the right hand man and if I can't get home til two in the morning with work the next day who cares, or if I realize that people are insulting me in front of your face why should I expect you to do anything about it. That's not your responsibility... It's mine...I guess it just took me a while to realize that. I think thats why I've decided to be the back up for my one man team.

BREAKING THE HABIT by Linkin Park
Memories consume

Like opening the wound

I’m picking me apart again

You all assume

I’m safe here in my room (unless I try to start again)

I don’t want to be the one

The battles always choose

‘Cause inside I realize

That I’m the one confused

I don’t know what’s worth fighting for

Or why I have to scream

I don’t know why I instigate

And say what I don’t mean

I don’t know how I got this way

I know it’s not alright

So I’m Breaking the habit

Tonight

Clutching my cure

I tightly lock the door

I try to catch my breath again

I hurt much more

Than anytime before

I had no options left again

I’ll paint it on the walls

‘Cause I’m the one at fault

I’ll never fight again

And this is how it ends

I don’t know what’s worth fighting for

Or why I have to scream

But now I have some clarity

To show you what I mean

I don’t know how I got this way

I’ll never be alright

So I’m Breaking the habit

Breaking the habit

Tonight "

I love me, I love the me I've become, the me I see for the future.

Title Pic...

I used to do some serious grinding to this mofo song... GINUWINE! I'll try to get it up on visual cliff soon...

"So Anxious" by GINUWINE

Nine O' clock, home alone, paging you

Wishing you'd come over, my place, after while,

Let me know

We can just keep talking 'bout the last time, you were here

What we did (no sleep till morning),

only bubble baths and back rubs

Hit me back, girl I hope, you hurry 'cause

[Chorus:]

I'm so anxious

So meet me at 11:30,

I love the way you're talkin' dirty

Said, I'm so anxious

Girl could you quit this stallin', you know I'm a sexaholic

[Repeat]

[2nd Verse:]

It's 10:10, where you been?

Did you get my message?

(Your expression is telling me that you've been thinkin' the same thang)

The same thang

I've been thinkin'

You say you're working,

well hit me just as soon as your shift, is over

And I'll be waiting, 'cause I can't sleep for reminiscing

About you and what we do,

Hit me back and hope you hurry

[Chorus]

[Bridge:]

Said as soon as you hit the door,

I'ma pull you down on the floor

And before we get to touch the bed,

Baby back up every word you said

And before we, got to hit the lights

And before we start the cande lights

Baby girl, I wanna bump and grind

This is something that's been on my mind

[Chorus]

That picture is totlly for my (and your) enjoyment...

Wicked Shoes!

I am officially hating the shoes I have on. They make me feel like I'm in The Wiz except the shoes are black instead of red. I don't know whether to click my heels or shout "Your mine now my pretty...!!" And they hurt my foot... Booo!!!

Title pic is exactly how the shoes look ...

Fly Guy

That's all I'm saying...Check him out... it's not right that i want to jump his bones is it?? Well is it?

Titile Pic...

SAFE!

I wasn't fired and the relief in my belly was surprising and alarming. You know it's the money, I need the damn money but I did promise myself that i was going to be proactive and find new employment, most likely in addition to this one. RELIEF! My supervisor is such a cutie and all the time he was talking to me all I could think of is how many positions I could try with him. He's about my height but definately smaller than me but with infinite possibilities....But I digress for now I'm safe....

Title pic...

Countdown...

I'm supposed to have a meeting today in about half an hour with my mangers. We're to discuss my ATTENDANCE!!!!! HAHAHAHAHA!! I have a feeling I'm about to be fired. This wouyld be my second time....If of course that is my fate. I'm trying not to be too bummed about it but I know i also feel elated in some sense of the word. I was slowly getting to hate this place and y'know I can't stand shit I hate. I'll give an update when it's all over...

Title pic...

Soothe the Beast

I forgot how much I loved the Donell Jones "Where I wanna be" album...I used to listen to it religiously. What happened to him? Come back Donell... J.Holiday and all 'em are just swagger jacking...
I watched all 6 seasons of Sex and the City because i didn't see any episode before season 6 and i really wanted to know what was up. I liked it...It was a good show and I just liked the whole chemistry between the characters. I'm awaiting the movie.

I want to be fabolous too...but the cheapskate in me cannot justify it. I can't buy a pair of shoes without feeling buyer's remorse wondetring if I couldn't get it for cheaper, wondering if I can't return it. I need more money to be as foab as Carrie.

The art of seduction...have a friend who's trying to become a master in seduction... Personally I think it's a load of crap. I think why do you want to play games with someone? if you're interested in the person and the feeling is reciprocated why do the run around, why spend, more like waste, time being coy, mysterious, crazy? Why not spend the time being open and real with this person? Why not try to develop a relationship based on who you really are? I feel like trying the seduction game makes him/her resent you in the end...Does it last...? Who knows... Does it work? So they say in my own opinion I think its all a form of manipulation. I hate being manipulated and I would never want to do that to another person. I'm just going to do me and I guess you can do you. Good Luck.

Today's title pic supm I picked up...

I'm SCREAMING,
can't you hear me...
how
is
that
possible?
I'm SCREAMING,
why aren't you flinching?
SCREAm at me...?
I'm SCREAMING,
trying to get free,
I'm trapped and you
are staring...
through me I think
because no man alive
would possibly survive
my SCREAMS
my SHRIEKS
"GET OFF MY FUCKING BACK!"
"DON'T FUCKING TALK TO ME!"
"LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE!"
you're sitting right in front of me,
HOW CAN YOU NOT HEAR ME?
I'm SCREAMING
at you...
because of you.
you are so calm
I am screaing but you can't hear
no one can...

Away

I am not a writer. I am merely a girl, a girl's girl...a girl's girl who looks like a lesbian. I'm cool with that... Don't care what people think about me but I do care what I think about myself. Lately I havent been liking me. In my head I say that i'm not lying to my friends it's true I am not avoiding you but in my heart there is some lying going on. To an extent sometimes I just wanna be alone or be with the two people who make me feel good about me lately. Make me feel like my input is needed. I'm sorry I don't want to be there for you now...I hate saying that.
I've been supportive all my life trying to make my self the person you can unload on. I've got some unloading to do myself but I feel that theres noone to turn to so I just go on turning and turning until I'm a tornado of emotions and baggae that noone can penetrate. I am alone in the midst of this storm and I don't see anyone trying to get in. That hurts. What you're all concerned about is the way I'm acting towards you and yes I know you are open but you're also judgmental, stubborn, elitist, I could go on... You hear what you want to hear and I can't have that around me now. I love you I do...and mostly I REALLY can't find the time to scratch my nose much less keep in contact but thats only part of the reason I'm away.
Sometimes I need to be away from you.

Title pic...

May Days

Was gonna write supm got sidetracked and now only writing this so I can say I wrote supm in May... BOOOOOOOO! Longer post later I guess...

Titile Pic...is so pretty...

Taking A Stab

Poem by Akeina

Prelude to this P,

Oem a feeling i can't recognize

overcomes me,

i'm feeling the beat,

i don't understand.

Do i embrace this

P,

Oem?

Do i embrace this beat?

I feel the beat of rhythm as I sway,

the P,

Oem is flowing from me,

flowing with me.

i am breathing, breathing,

breathless for a second.

This P,

Oem is sinking me deeply

making me feel ,

needed,

sweet,

as if my next breath creates the world,

my fingers are tapping out the future's plan.

Boom, boom, boom...

boom boom clap,

my shoulders are grooving to this p,

Oem

"I am not afriad.."

boom boom clap

so unencimbering

so fucking free...

the rhythm

and rhyme

is all yours

I can't set a beat

beacause

it doesnt belong to me

snap boom bam

clap sham poo....

HEHE!

Whoo!

Its the beat of this P,

Oem...

the beat of this rhythm of life...

Boom, boom, boom...

Today's title pic is creepily eerie...

I'm not even gonna talk about the crap at work where for being sick I may be fired..I'm just going to glance over that fucking foolishness and try not to scream too loud in the pillow later on...

I'm going to share a song to day...Check Visual Cliff... The most fab diva Jill Scott is the most awesome of awesomes....

"The Real Thing" by JILL SCOTT

You gotta do right by me,

its mandatory baby

Sweeter than your favorite ice cream be,

bask in my glory baby

Don't play no games,

that'll ruin thangs

And make me leave ya,

or mistreat ya and you

don't want that

Don't hesitate,

I could make you great

Like Cleopatra Jones I could set you straight

[Chorus:]I'm the real thing,in stereo

I got a little highs,

I got a little lows

Follow this,

melodic flow

I could make it shine,

I could make it glow

[Repeat x2]

I'm more than a toy for your satisfaction

I'm a pay-per-view for the TV screen,

your main attraction

Your phosphorus,

I'm your energy

When your lost,

and you need some focus

come see meI'll entice ya mind,

I do it all the time

In the mornin',in the evenin',

when the doves cry

I can feed you gut,

put you in a tub

When I turn it up,y

eah brotha you know

what's up

A little bubbles and some body rub,

turn off the water (drip drip)

Don't think about dessert,

I got enough

And a whole lot more to ggiivveee!

[Chorus x4]Glow Glow Glow...

When I turn it up,

yeah brotha you know

what's up [Repeat x3]

Glow Glow Glow...

(oooooooh)

Ways to Change the World

I read an article today about a transgender person who identifies himself as a man being pregnant. In my mind I have so many thoughts and fellings just running around I really cant tell you what exactly howI feel about uit. I wonder what he must feel like...It must be an awesome experience. He says in the article that it's hard for him to get doctors to help because they often refuse based on their religious beliefs and I'm thinking to myself these doctors are assholes. But then I think there are many things I wouldnt do based on my beliefs and if I truly as I often say want a society where persons are treated equally then I cannot judge these doctors by these beliefs (even if I think its ...:-@!) Its an amzing acheivement but in essence he is both a man and a woman so it is not that far fetched but it will be amazing to see how or if the baby is affected at all by this. Our species has been doing this for millions of years its just another stage of evolution isn't it? Who knows what the future holds for us...and when scientists undoubtedly get a man pregnant what will happen then...what will we be denying those children and in essence ourselves? Its a survival of the fittest ladies and gents and trust we wont be here forever.... You don't have to agree with me at all, thats the beauty of having your mind.

To read the aricle and see a pic of this pregnant transgender man HERE.

Today's Title pic...

I Hate It...

i hate it when i say things and you don't even care. i hate it when you put down the shit i do because i like the shit i do. i hate it when i'm sitting right there and you make stupid comments. i hate that you don't support me. i hate that you make racist comments and then expect me to agree with you. i hate that i can't speak to you. i hate that you're never there. i hate that you only see me as 'what i can for you' not 'who i am'. i hate it that you suck major ass. i hate that i still like you. i hate that i cvan't say this to your face. i hate that you're unreasonable. i hate that yopu don't tell me when i'm being an asshole. i hate it when you say things to hurt me. i hate it that you make me feel this way. i hate it even more that you never admit you could be wrong. i hate that i'm always wrong at least to you. i hate that i can't hate you but sometimes i can't like you either. i hate that you make me smile when I don't want. *sigh*

Title pic for today...

Art is Life

Sometimes I think I'm the only award show fanatic left in the world or at least in Jamaica. I am the only one I know who will stay up and watch all 3 and half hours of the Oscars...All boring 3 hours of the Grammy's (and trust they were boring)...I'll even watch the frigging American Music Awards if it's on TV Ill stay up and I'll watch and then want to discuss what the hell happened on the show and why exactly it was really a wasted venture. Usually I only have myself to speak with though as I repeat no one watches them but me...*Sigh*

I've recently watched both seasons of a show called "Noah's Arc". The show is about four black gay men in and out of various types of relationships and how they live and love. It's not the greatest show I've ever seen, because though the story line is juicy, in the gossip sense, the acting often falls flat and makes the whole thing seem like a really really bad play. Can I say how I love it though?? I cannot express how it makes me feel good to watch the show. AWESOME! So much drama had me shouting out all sorts of things to the computer screen and feeling like I'm apart of the cast, a part of the friendship developed by these four actors. The chemistry between them is nice and though they're not all the greatest actors it's not that bad. I recommend it. There's no deeper meaning to the show though some can argue that it does give some incite into the OUT black gay man, though it does sometimes perpetuate the stereotype but still I mean you can't please everyone right? Its a good (I hestitate to say good because some people may only see the flaws of the show rather than just take it in but I'll go out on a limb) show and you can really get into it... My only question about the show is when the hell is season 3 coming out???

UPDATE: No season 3 but there's going to be a movie to be released in 2008 and there's going to be a wedding?? Who the hell's getting married? Oh drama how I love thee...

My fave Jill Scott made a statement about a poet name Nikki Giovanni...and reading some of her poetry has got me thinking that art is really what makes the world go round. Her poems are so refreshing and amazingly beautiful...

Kidnap poem by Nikki Giovanni

ever been kidnapped

by a poet

if i were a poet

i'd kidnap you

put you in my phrases and meter

you to jones beach

or maybe coney island

or maybe just to my house

lyric you in lilacs

dash you in the rain

blend into the beach

to complement my see

play the lyre for you

ode you with my love song

anything to win you

wrap you in the red Black green

show you off to mama

yeah if i were a poet

i'd kidnap you

AWESOME!!!!!!!! I know I've been a little late with my posts but I dont know the opportunities have been slipping me by and definately because I have no computer/internet at home it does not help. Well my b-day was a nice touch this year I turned the big 2.2 and I was happy to be a year older and a 1/2 centimeter taller I was good. I also got to excercise a crush of mine that I have on the lead singer of a Jamaican rock/alternative band called Crimson Heart Replica...Their sound is really awesome and she's so cute that hey it's a win win.

Thats about all I've got today except the title pic of course which is...

:-P :-P

Today seems like one of those days right? Just like I thought yesterday was going to be another day and then Heath Ledger dies... I know around there are millions of people dying in wars and of diseases that I see on TV and have occassion to see in real life when I step out of myself and really look at the people around me but if I started crying for them all I would never stop and so I cry and weep for Heath Ledger and Brad Renfro both dead before even knowing what the sun looks like on their 30th birthday. It's sad. Really sad...especially with Heath where he has a daughter, Matilda Rose.

Strange Day today...I was watching and listening to STRANGE FRUIT by Billie Holliday today... Got me thinking, dreaming, transporting. I was a black girl in 1940 looking up at a poplar tree seeing my father hanging dying, dead... I had written a poem about this about 2 years ago. Made me stop and think. I'm still thinking to this day and I can't find any solutions...

Love rain down on me... I've been living without love... It's amazing what the human mind can do, think, feel, be... I'm amazed everyday by the sheer beauty of people. Thats not the topic at hand though... The topic at hand is non existent love life... Seriously... I have a no love life...Is that my choice or is this how it really is? What do I lack? People would say that you need to like yourself before people can like you and it took me a couple years but I love me... I love me and I'm now wondering...OK I'm ready to be bombarded by the offers and the flirting because of my new self confidence...There isn't any though and I have to ask the question again of whether I'm choosing to be alone...Am I?

I'm going to promote a new artiste that I'm really feeling right now... Estelle a new artiste from the UK... "Wait a Minute..." is sick... I love new artistes who are creative and just seriously talented. Check out all her songs and make sure you get her album "SHINE" dropping in Feb. of 08

Speaking of February....ITS MY BIRTHDAY MONTH!!!!!!!!!!!! YEAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I turn the big 2-2... A monumental occasion because a couple of years ago I was lamenting when I turned 20 thinking damn I'm old but I'm young and taking charge...I getting older and it's not so bad...

Ladies and (some) gents guess what is back after a very long hiatus....Queerty Knows Best... Yes, Yes, Yes!!!!!

Meet Jason...Sweet Lord, Sweet Lord...

Jean Francois looks like he needs somebody to love and here I am...

Henry's pic was ver NSFW so I cropped it but he still looks !!HOT!!

Carlos makes me want to SCREAM!!!!!!!!!!!!

Akimat is possibly dying right now... Amit is...*sigh*

Remember ladies and (some) gents all men provided by Queerty and their beautiful Morning Goods section...those gay men really know how flaunt the flesh.

After all that hotness I'm winding down giving what I think is advice... Just love yourself this year and be good to people and when you go to work it's not to make friends its to make money so fuck the people who don't like you.

Today's cute title pic is

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

Nothing Simpler than that headline... Happy New Year to all...I hope the new Year brings love and happiness to everyone...I'm getting so sentimental this holiday season it's crazy...I just want the best for everyone and everything...

Enjoy the final Title pic for 2007...

Christmas = Happiness!

I love Chritmas time...The air is somehow different and the days just seem more joyous...I don't know this is really one of the only times I can really say I'm happy...Happy to be alive, happy to be loved and happy to be loving. Good times, good times. Last year (can't believe I've been at this blogging thing so long) I posted things that i wanted for my presents in my Happy Birthday Jesus post but for this season i feel the spirit of partying and partying hard...I know it may not be very fitting for the season in some person's eyes but hey I'm young... (thats my excuse for everything).

Seriously though I don't just love it for the seasonal parties that litter the scial scene but because of the warm and fuzzy feeling. The coming together of family....I love my Mom and Christmas day is the day we come together and cook up a storm and a half feeding basically half of my neighbourhood. It makes me feel good to do that. It's an awesome experience... and thats why I love Christmas.

My workplace had their office party on Saturday... It was to be a blowout affair...Well it was over the top and the venue was nicely decorated under the Hawaiian theme...Though I do understand the route the party was going the atmosphere was working against it. The muddy grounds (ruined stillettos), the food was ok (not great, but free so thats at least a 5/10) I found that I had to be struggling to make my own fun. Akimat and I went and she's not the best person to impress so you can imagine what she was feeling...at least we were both bordering on the edge of drunk and fall over drunk so everything was bathed in a very colorful glow and we were laughing like fools. GOOD TIMES, GOOD TIMES!!!

Best Dressed of Male of the night for me was Nerrej, the shirt was a nice colour (orange, maybe peach/appricot and white) and a nice cut that fit very nicely with some design that I in my druken state could not recognize but seemed to fit the Hawaian theme, Best dressed Female of the night was a girl I saw accross the way she wore a blue and green sarong type dress in halter style, the colours were complimentary, the cut and style were very good for her ample size and her make up and hair were nicely done...she fit the theme perfectly for me and thus she wins my Best Dressed nod.

What I will boo (I have a post in mind with this title but I'll give a little preview) : -Asymmetrical hairstyles - it doesnot look good on everybody and if you notice everybody is wearing the same hairstyle as you...BOO! Also I'm going to boo glitter belts with your name on it and silk print dresses aren't my favorite thing in the world either. Everyboy and their mother's grand aunt has one...BOO!

I was trying to think of a way to end the post today... and I realized I haven't done Weh Yu Mean! in ages.

WEH YU MEAN?!

• Amelia "stop calling yourself MILK" Sewel...Yu alright?? Because I can't understand what di girl do yu so mek u sit her down and tell her when and where and how many times you and the Drippy one were having sex. WEH YU MEAN?! I am confused Amelia...Yu nuh have a kid...?You don't look that bad one sixth of the time you can find another man...Tek care of your kid Amelia and leave Smiley alone.


• Grammy Nominees for 2007 in the category of Best Reggae Album: Burning Spear, Stephen Marley, Sly and Robbie, Lee "Scratch" Perry as well as Toots & The Maytals. What about the dancehall artist dem whom have had good albums this year...Assassin for one I think had a good album but the main point is that every year when it comes to this category what you have is a bunch of old men and maybe one dncehall act thrown in...No disrespect but WHE YU MEAN?! Where's the Dancehall and let's not start the debate about which is better because seriously thats dated....as dated as the four fifths of the nominees above...
  
• Why exactly are jamaican artistes spending their hard earned (HAHAHAHA!) money on DNA tests? WEH YU MEAN?! Adijah you know you were the father...This novelty better wear off soon because I'm tired of hearing about it...Might as well go on Maury and get it done for free...


• Beenie...Moses...Mr. Davis...Every year when it comes to Christmas time you say NO STING for me...WEH YU MEAN?! Every year we see you on the bill and we see you perform on the show and now we have to wonder Beenie...is anything you say the truth? I don't think so...I love you Moses but you need to stop with the lies and deceit...


• Munga...Deva WEH YU MEAN?! What exactly are you portraying to the youths that follow you religiously?? Lyrical war is what keeps the music fresh, keeps us interested because we want to know what can possibly come next...but physically hurting each other really just perpetuates a feeling of unrest and disqueit among the youths who look up to you...me cant endorse that...


• JILL is COMING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WEH YU MEAN?!! January 25th will see me at the Air Jamaica Jazz and Blues Festival to see the soul deep, mesmerizing Jill Scott perform... I'm literally screaming as I write this...YEAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It's close to my b-day too so if I don't get myself anything else for the rest of the year I'd be happy because I saw Jill Scott LIVE!!!!!!!!

My fantastic and fabolous friend Icart is getting married on the weekend...I'm so happy for her... Married can you believe it?? It seems like yesterday we were still in high school...Well she had a surprise bridal shower on the weekend that STFO!!!! Awesome!!! Getting drunk and revealing secrets is a good way to spend your Saturday evenings...

I felt the need to leave you with a little something...so I've decided to change !!HOT GUY THROUGH THE CENTURY!! to !!HOT GUY OF THIS DAY!!...If you're smart you'll do a little research and get it...If not just enjoy the hotness... Today's hotness is due to the fact taht i am going through my asian phase...!!HOT GUY OF THIS DAY!! March 22, 1971...Will Yun Lee...YES! YES!

YES!!!!

Today's Title pic is cute...AWWWWW....

Changeling

I'm making some changes...I can't want everything in my life to change while I'm still the same person.

1. A. I am going to Japan in the summer of 2009. I am going to teach Japanese children english for a year or more. It's my dream to travel the worl and I'm not passing this opportunity up...


2. I am going to lose 70lbs by Dec 2008 and 90lbs by Mar 2009...not because of some vain idea that I need to be thin but solely because I don't feel healthy I fell overweight and with my family history fear developing a chronic illness like hypertension which my beloved grandmere is fighting and diabetes like my mom and maternal grandmother.


3. I am going copper. I'm coloring my hair in a copper tone because I like it and I think it may suit me. I love my black hair but 21 years of it has become unbelievably dull...


4. I'm piercing something...Prolly my nose...I don't know why I just know Ive always wanted to and theres really no time like the present.


5. This one is tentative because I'm not 100% sure...I want to get a tattoo...This will happen but I don't know when this will happen I can't say it will happen in the next two years as my other transformations...but it will happen...The first will be a dragon my lifelong fascitination has led me here. They are mystical, mythical creatures who make believe in fairy tales and in that anything can happen...


6. No more pity fucking party and juvenile behavior from me... No piddling around. I'm doing away with those friends by default. No need to keep that shit going. Some people should not even be in my facebook life. I'm turning into an inconsiderate person...somehow I feel like its time. I just hope my real friends can forgive me because I'll always be forgiving them.

I'm feeling like I'm on top of the world and anyone whos in my way better watch out because I'm a changeling converting to my new form. Nothing to fear but something new to embrace and basically if you don't like it you can leave... Nobody keeping you anywhere in my vicinity certainly not me. I'm a new being a new person even without these things as yet I'm already new. I'm not becoming a different me, I'm becoming ME...finally. I've been waiting and I realized that if I stood still I'd be getting nowhere just watching shit pass me by. Not anymore.

Today's Title pic is awesome and hard to find...

World AIDS Day...

Today is a day I wish we didn't have to celebrate, but I have to stand strong with all the people living with AIDS, surviving, just living life as it should be lived. I wish this day would just go back to being December 1st, 24 days til Christmas countdown but it never will. It saddens me, makes me want to cry when I think about the millions who have died and are dying from this disease.

It saddens me even more when I think that next to Africa the Caribbean is second in the world for new cases I'm think...WTF?? Ladies and Gentlemen what is going through your minds? HIV/AIDS is a preventable disease...PREVENTABLE! What the fuck is wrong with you? Seriously what could possess you to not use a condom with your partner...WHAT? Please let me know and dont give me any shit about decreasing pleasure and whatnot...Fucking is fucking...to me personally using a condom makes me feel more secure and increases any pleasure I may be feeling... Intelligence people is not only for some, everyone can eat from that tree..Don't be left in the desert...

I want to be aware and I have no problem asking my partner to go do and HIV test with me. Contrary to popular beliefs you are not distrustful of your partner in fact doing an HIV test to me builds a stronger bond a newer dimension to you and your love...I had loved those "KNOWING IS BEAUTIFUL" ads they were so true. Its a beautiful thing. ANd if it can save my life and the lives of the people I love. There is nothing wrong with that.

Today's Title pic is a poingnant double feature -

The second is my fave because if you look closely there's a Caribbean flag in the center of it. AIDS is not a death sentence but PREVENTIOn is alaways, ALWAYS better than cure.

I Was Going to Write Today....

I was going to say something about this guy I met online I really was going to write today about the stuff thats been bothering me. I really was going to write today....But then I stopped and I thought today...haven't done any real thinking in awhile just going through those motions again. Get up, go to work, come home, lament (silently of course) about what I haven't got to read, sleep then do it all again the next day. Absolutely marvelous day I have right...? Right... I'm feeling me some Jill Scott lately and of course another book has hit the horizon that I want to get my hands on it's called MIDDLESEX by Jeffrey Eugedines. A book about an intersex guy and greek tragedy is just too intriguing for me to pass up... Anyone willing to sponsor me I'd appreciate it.

I remember when I first started this blog and I was so excited. It was like a diary...only on a computer (yeah I was lame) but I loved it and I still love it...It's on the list...I have a lot of lists and this list I refer to is the list of things I absolutely love unconditionally... First there's Mom...then come books (a little strange perhaps but Ive never professed to being anything more or less) ... then comes the internet and by extension my blog.

I've discovered an opportunity to move to Japan for a couple years to help teach Japanese children English..I mean how awesome is that?? I'm just hoping that all things positive are flowing my way and I get to go and expand my horizons and my vocabulary. Wish me good luck...I don't know what to think I'm really excited about Japan and I'm thinking wow 2 years away from Mom and all the things and people I know...I guess this is really what they cll Growing the fuck up....

Do we really need another person talking about Britney Spears? I wish I could help her... You can only help people who really want to help themselves so ither she's going to seek the help or she's gonna die... Simple..

I've been craving like a pregnant woman Chinese food, Japan, men I can't have...It's been getting crazy... Out of hand...

Today's title pic is LARGE...

I Hate UWI!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I know, I know people really like to stress the "you need ejumacation" thing but I swear to GOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!This place sucks assssssss................... Sucks major asssssssssssssssss.....

That is all...

I even have a title pic...

Just This Once

I watched "Wuthering Heights" this morning...The new version with Ralph Fiennes....Personally the older version is a much better version to me but not taking anything from Ralph, he was magnificent...The tortured tale of Heathcliff and Catherine... (HAHAHAHA!!!! click on the pics to find out what's so funny....) While watching I felt this urge, this need to feel the love they must have felt for each other. It was passionate and hot and devastatingly torturous...It was beautiful, a love that we often don't see. It rips the soul into pieces, makes you incomplete without your partner, makes you feel horrible and good at the same time... Thats some hardcore loving...Hmmm...makes me wonder about the passion lovers feel. You often hear that they were caught up in the moment, I've never been caught up in a moment, NEVER...wow I'm so lacking. I feel left behind. I'm a control freak, the only I lose myself completely in is a book I really get into it and thats why sometimes I get really clouded and thoughtful about stuff that I'm doing and why I'm doing the things I'm doing...Of course it depends on the book I'm reading. For example I read recently Naughty or Nice by Eric Jerome Dickey and at the end of the story I promised myself -

1. NEVER FUCK a MARRIED MAN

2. WOMEN can be their own worst FUCKING ENEMIES

3. DON'T TRUST ANY MAN (harsh but very true)

4. NEVER HAVE A 3-some with your BOYFRIEND and another WOMAN...

I guess you'll just have to read the book yourself to know what I mean but really I was engrossed and I was left feeling sickened and fairly disturbed by the shit I was reading...My fave thing about the EJD books is how he always writes a post note and it starts with the words "This is a work of fiction." It's my fave line and I understand what he means because alot of the times that line saved me from going over alot of edges. I become these characters and I feel what they feel (well...not everything they feel) but I'm there and it makes me wonder if I'll ever feel that for somebody. Wuthering Heights is the perfect example of losing control and wanting to lose it, to become insane for love and wish that insanity on everyone around you. Heathcliff cursed Catherine's soul to wander the earth to haunt him in some way so that he would not be alone...WTF? I was like damn not even wising the rest in peace bull shit...Haunt me forever the man said.... DAMN! I wanna feel that at least once... at least once.

Well on a lighter note I wanted to share someone that I've been lusting for for a while..I'm in my Asian phase...Meet Daniel Wu...

He is just a complete hotness...I'm shaking my head... Give me a hot Asian guy any damn day.... And you know what he is so fucking nice I'm gonna do him (wink wink) twice...i'd do him over and over and over and over...OK let's stop...

I think it's the lips I'm not sure I can't reallly pinpoint why I think he's hot I just do so... Whatever...

Today's Title pic was hard to find...

What's Happening...

Well my first forays into the new beauty that is me has begun the Eric Jerome Dickey book signing was fun...I did in fact get the Naughty or Nice (and got it signed) which was a good book not great but still good...It just reinforced the fact in my mind that people will fuck you up... as well as people fuck themselves up daily for nothing more than a piece of ass. Shame... It felt more like a short story than a Novel but I can't say I was really dissappointed. There was food and drink I do believe that I am absolutely in love with Rum Cake with Brandied Sour Cream I was curling my toes and I was on the verge of moaning as soon as that cake hit my mouth.. MMMMMM!....it was awesome...

I don't know Ive been feeling so different lately and I can't think why thats happening. I feel thinner even though I haven't lost any weight...I feel beautiful even though my face hasn't changed...I feel magnificent if essentially bored because I have nothing to read...I feel like a force not just a person... My life is changing and I don't know why...What's happening to me?

Todays title pic is hilarious...does anyone remember this show?

Surprise Me...

Damn...That damn Trey Songz got me thinking things that I definately should not be thinking... Damn..."Wonder Woman" got me feeling all tingly... DAMN!!!!! Did any one see that girl's ass...? WTF? Got me all biting my lip and shit... The man has got me curling my damn toes... I'm flushed... I need to get something and soon... DAMN!! I'm so damn horny...How can this skinny, thuggin like an emeff, tatooed fool have me in such a damn state? I don't know either... It's the fucking swagger, some dudes just got the right stuff to pull the swagger off...Confident emeff. Got me all hot and bothered...This state that i'm now in merely reinstates this feeling of lonliness that invades my body sometimes for example when I'm listening to this song...I wanna meet somebody and not that Im desparate (alright maybe a little) I wanna meet somebody...Somebody, somebosdy, somebody... I'm a realtionship type of girl I cant deal with this non-relationship state I'm in. It ain't easy to meet people you're interested in who's interested in you. Aslo interested in the same things you are because seriously I don't know how many men out there can really relate to a girl who loves to mix everything up. From books (Eric Jerome Dickey to Jefferey Deaver), to music (Trey Songz to Erikah Badu to Linkin Park to Nirvana to Dixie Chicks). I'm eclectic...that just means I like alot of stuff...and am bored very easily. Hit a sister up...she's looking...and searching...let me know...make me an offer...I'm a good catch and I'm definately like the mermaid from Splash I wanna be caught...

Going to see Eric Jeromre Dickey today YEAH! for me... thinking about buying a book too and you know I must love him if I'm willing to pay full price for his shit... I'm thinking about buying Naughty or Nice

but I also want Drive Me Crazy

and Chasing Destiny...

If push does come to shove though I'd prolly buy Naughty or Nice...Let's not talk about how Genevieve (the middle name of my daughter) completely fucked me over...Please why are the Best Sellers the books I hate?? Between Lovers, Liar's Game and now this one completely fucked me over...at least Between Lovers gave me something to think about gave me myself in a sort of twisted wish I'd never read it sort of waty and Liar's Game wasn't all that bad...but still not a fave of mine...I'm going to get my girl Ayiddas's copy of Genevieve signed cuz I know she'll like it...

Todays Title pic is...

The Real Thing

I wonder sometimes about true love...Damn never thought I'd be one o f theose people ever in life...you know those people...the eternal fucking optimists...Damn but I wonder about finding the beauty of it...Is it like a sharp pain? A bright light? A sweet song? WTF is it like...? Please someone let me know... I'm thinking it's like the sweetest song i've ever heard and all those nice things that just make you sit down and think and cry and the pain isn't really pain at all but a cleansing, a merging of heart and soul...It's life, it's beauty and it's a sharp pain, and a glowing light, a beautiful melody that only you and love can hear...I heard "The Real Thing" by the real thing herself Ms. Jill Scott. Damn but she's the "it" for me. The "it" and the "ish"... Just complete...Her songs, her voice is where it is at...(i know...) Everytime I hear her I question my own being, my own life and the things I can do to make me better to make this life just the absolute realness...The absolute of absolutes...I listen to her with my ear and my heart and that's what makes me strong and foolish and lovable and loving...I listen and I hear the strings of the soul...I hear life and beauty and love...I can't find the true love, the absolute realness but then again why am I searching for it...

If only my peeps would be so genoruos as to get me all four of her albums I do believe I'c love them forever as they would exist as that person I think about when I think of my faveorite things... my friend Axela got me the "Who's Jill Scott?" and "Beautifully Human" for my birthday and everytime I think about it I smile because she remebered and she knew that I would love that more than anything else in the world that's one of my favorite birthday presents to this day...I absolutley love that gift because it wasn't contrived like some jewellry that people give you it was a genuine gift... A genuine from the heart gift and I'll love her and remeber her always for that... Some people used to ask me why we were friends and I used to thnk how coulf we not be? In my head I used to call them judgemental assholes because they didn't know her...

The tilte pic for today is so absolutely fitting...