Posts from the new BB

When the mood swings down and I know what's coming I try everything in my power to shut it down. Often it works and I'm able to escape the abyss of loneliness and negativity. Occasionally, though, I am overcome and have to live in that darkness until it decides to show me a light.

In those times there are more than 1 of me. The 'normal' me, the apathetic me and the psychopath. I imagine they live in a house, the normal me stays in the attic trying for assurance and positivity. Apathetic me stays in bed and doesn't give a fuck about anything. Eating, sleeping, talking, breathing. Anything. The psychopath is Jack Nicholson in the Shining. Every word is a stab and every stab leaves a scar. Those scars never leave and the wounds never fully heal they're just pulsating and waiting for the next triggering event.

I live in my head for a few days. Happy that my job is routine because I have no space or function to reason. My brain has a singular focus of apathy and self loathing. In that time I try to find something real to ground myself. Whether it's writing or reading or playing a mind numbing game. Shockingly enough this keeps my mind busy enough to drown out some of the negativity. It's a coping mechanism I've discovered and used over the years along with a few others that have kept me alive and relatively healthy.

Depression shelters you. Pretends to be a warm coat on a cold night and quickly envelopes you and slowly chokes you to death. It's a trap that's difficult to escape but I've had fewer and fewer episodes which makes me aware of my own strengths. I'm working on it.