Posts from the New BB

I'm all in my feelings tonight. I decided, for an unknown stupid reason, to watch some Frank Ocean videos on Youtube. I like seeing people perform live because though they've probably done it a million times before there's always a chord or note that really hits them. It may be a second, it may be the entire song but there's always a little bit of a real reaction thrown in unconsciously.

Watching Frank perform both a cover of the song he wrote for Beyonce 'I Miss You' and his own 'Thinking 'Bout You' had me not only belting my heart out but feeling heavy hearted. What I feel most is without. Without someone I can confide in. Without someone I can depend on. Without someone I can feel those emotions for.

I am woman hear me roar and all that jazz but it never hurts to have someone ask you how your day was and be truly interested in the response or someone you can share intimacies with (SEX!!! How I miss thee let me count the ways...) because it just feels good to share that with someone.

"I remember, how could I forget?
How you feel?
And though you were my first time
A new feel
It won't ever get old, not in my soul
Not in my spirit, keep it alive
We'll go down this road
'Til it turns from color to black and white

Or do you not think so far ahead? (Ahead)
'Cause I been thinkin' 'bout forever..."

This is the part that always gets me. That fear of being alone forever is so persistent and so concrete sometimes that you convince yourself it's real. You're convinced that this is a real, rationale and logical conclusion you've come to, so when that gets shaken and you realize 'oh it's not a foregone conclusion that i'll live with 20 cats by myself in a run down but paid off 2 bedroom' hearing him say he's thinking about forever, while knowing he's not talking directly to you, is poignant and important.

It's important because we aren't all going to be alone 'forever' some of us will be surprised by the loves we find, some of us will have kids and find a new feel and new love they never thought was possible and some of us may never find a 'one' we may find many 'ones' or just not one significant long term 'one' and that's fine. It's all fine, we'll all find a forever, whatever that situation may be.

Sometimes though you'll be all up in your feelings, feeling without and wanting. So I'll take some Frank Ocean to soothe my fears while I live in that space... At least until morning.