Tuesday, January 31, 2012

Posts from the BB

I'll be 26 years old in 24 hours. Amazing shit to think about because I still vividly remember walking to Primary school. I've technically been an adult for 8 years now. That's hilarious to me because I still feel like a kid.

I may have my moments where I think "Damn I'm getting older..." but I definitely appreciate the fact that I am able to get older. That I am able to experience new things and people without trepidation. I turn 26 in a few hours and I'm happy about it.

Am I where I want to be at 26? No. Do I still have weak moments that make me question my life and my choices? Yup. Growing older is not easy. Living your life is simultaneously the easiest and the most difficult thing in existence. I can't say I'm happy but I'm not unhappy either.

My prayers are filled with keeping my family, my Momma safe and healthy and wishes for continued blessings. I've been blessed to live these last 26 years as tsagrednerp. Here's to another 26 and beyond.

Sunday, January 22, 2012

Posts from the new BB

I'm terribly self absorbed. I like to analyze my feelings, look into myself and try to work on those issues within that prevent me from getting to happy. This tends to sometimes bar me from reaching out to those closest to me to find out what may be happening in their lives.

Five times out of 10 I will ask usually I wait for you to tell me. Hate forcing people to share when they aren't ready to. This I've found is something that has changed as I've grown. When I was younger I was all about putting me last because that's what I felt my position was. That mind set has definitely changed. Apart from my Mom, my happiness comes first. My sanity comes first. It has to or I will never survive.

This doesn't mean that I don't care about people or refuse to aid or assist in any way I can. It just means that I can still help, I can still be there for the ones I love while keeping a piece of me for me. I find that a lot of people either throw there all into someone, shit I've been guilty of, or they don't give a fuck about people. It's a crazy balance that you have to find for your own life.

It's an interesting journey trying to figure out who you are as a single entity. It's also misguided to think you can really know who exactly you are being really young. Youth is meant to be enjoyed and mistakes are meant to be made. We discover as we go along. The person you think you are now is not the same person you're going to know in 5 years.

It's a difficult thing, this growing up. People often use the term to mean becoming more responsible. Fuck responsibility. Growing up is just getting older. There is no average age for anyone to stop learning things or developing their personality.

Life is too fucking short to live by anyone else's rules and you have to pay attention or you will miss it.

In short - love yourself first, love others and never stop learning.

Friday, January 06, 2012

Posts from the new BB

Please remind me never to watch 'Brokeback Mountain' again. I think this is my fourth viewing and I break every time. Every time. My heart breaks, my spirit is weak, I'm just shattered. Thoughts of who I am and the dreams I'm choosing and the dreams I've given up on run through my mind. I guess everyone goes through the same. Or not. Loads of people don't connect to stuff like that and that's fine. For me though I always gain something from the message, from my tears.

I don't want to wait 20 years stop and look around only to realize that my dream deferred is nothing more than a memory. I don't want to hide who I am. I don't want to say 'I wish I had...' I never want to live that life. I need to stop watching this movie.

I'm snatching up every opportunity I can find this year. Volunteering, trips, more writing, more freedom, more everything. Above all else this movie is an embodiment of it CAN be too late, be who you are, love who you love, follow your dream today because tomorrow is not promised. Damn I can't stop crying I'm def going a few years without seeing this one again.