Friday, April 20, 2012

Posts from new BB

I may not look it but I am competitive type of bitch. I'll work my ass off to do good especially at things I'm interested in and passionate about. I'll go without sleep, I'll do double triple overtime to ensure that what I produce not only achieves the standard but surpasses it. But…here's that bitch word but. Once I lose interest I don't give a fuck about it. I don't even give it a second glance. Unfortunately this is what's happening to me at my job. I'm over my current position. Like so far over it I'm flying to the fucking moon. As I'm over it there's nothing in it that captivates me at all. In fact I'm just working for the paycheck because other than that this job holds no mystique for me at all. I wont go so far as to say I hate it but it doesn't stimulate me intellectually at all.


This and only this can explain the abysmal score (in my eyes) that I received for the last observatory period. Usually my score exceeds expectation without much effort from me but as I have placed even less effort than normal my score is simply an achieved. UGHHHHHH!!!!!! Yes of course it's my fault. I understand that without any effort my score will fall but I just feel less and less enamored with the position than ever. I have been searching and submitting my resume for other positions with no luck. Instead what I will do is re-invigorate myself and put more effort into this position. I don't want to get fired so I'm going to pump it up.


My plans depend on me having a job where I can make a nice enough living that will allow me to save to make those plans come to fruition so I've got to do better. I guess starting today I will be.

Wednesday, April 04, 2012

Maybe I am a Gryffindor after all.

If all things go as planned *crosses fingers & prays* I will be embarking on a different path in my life by September of next year. I'm scared out of my mind. Genuinely scared that I'll fail but without having tried that's an automatic fail.

I never saw my path, which ironically was staring me in the face, until fairly recently. I thought I knew what I wanted to do and be but passions change and I need to start living my true passion now as I have no idea how much longer I have left.

Over the past few week's I've felt so alone and lonely. I haven't been living for myself and as I have been slowly opening my eyes over the last few years I am starting to see the light. I have needs and wants and dreams that I'm leaving unfulfilled because of what I deem as my responsibility to others. But if I continue this way I will wither away having given my life away. That's not what I want for myself and that's not what the people who love me want for me.

I'm trying to snatch those dreams while I still can. It matters to me that I live a full life, that I find true love and get my heart broken, that I bet it all on black win big and hopefully lose small but if I lose big I hope I leave with lessons that will propel me into the next big score. I'll surely fall, no one is ever 100% accurate at life, I will surely fall and fail but I hope I have the strength to get back up every time.

So I'm taking a new path, a path that will surely lead me into places I've never been and people who will both fascinate and infuriate me and yes I'm scared but my excitement is beyond capacity so much so that I'm pushing past my fears, using my fear instead to make sure I'm prepared for what may lay ahead. I guess this is bravery? Maybe I am a Gryffindor after all.