Tuesday, June 19, 2012
I refuse to apologize or justify to anyone the things I enjoy doing, the person I enjoy being and the people I enjoy being with. Whether my choices are 'black enough' or I'm 'acting white' is foolish, bigoted speech which frankly should be forever outlawed. Pray tell how does one act white? How is it ever possible for a black person to not be 'black enough'?
When will we start realizing that who we are is enough? Just enough. Never less than we think and certainly more in most cases but we are enough. Whether I feel connected to 3 Doors Down or Vybz Kartel, whether I speak in proper English or release my patois roots I am more than enough. It's so stupid to ever judge someone as not 'something' enough by your standards because it's bullshit. Why would your standards be more important than my own? When would your opinion be more valued than my own? Oh let me answer that for you never.
How does my listening to music genres not deemed 'urban' define my existence? I am the daughter of a black people, granddaughter of a black people, great-grand daughter of black people, great-great grand daughter of black people. I will forever be 'black enough' as it is my existence, it is who I am and who I will forever be. If you use material things to prove and disprove who you are then one can argue that you are nothing more than a passing fad. You are nothing and will never be anything. Society has fucked so many of us up.
We are always enough. I am enough and so are you.
I only have my grandmother, who raised me, whom I love and I know loves me but the generational gap was too wide and we don't have that connection where I can tell her anything about what's really going on. She's old school traditional too so any psychological issue can be solved by two scoops of church and a handful of Jesus.
My friends did not understand why I would just bust out crying without any preamble or warning and had no clue what to do when I'd have an anxiety attack. I always kept my suicidal thoughts a secret because I felt for sure if I ever told anyone they'd have me institutionalized. My greatest fear is being locked away and felt no one would understand me or my disorders.
I remember I was walking home from work one day and out of the blue I was in it I was literally trapped on the sidewalk. I couldn't go back I couldn't go forward. I was just stuck there and needed help. I called a close friend but she was unavailable. I think I called her 20 times. So I became irrationally angry at her. How dare she not be there to help? So I was terrified out of my mind in the throes of an attack and livid that she wasn't there to help.
Reliving that now and those feelings are just the worst. A few years ago I was having panic attacks almost ever week. I wanted to die. I hoped I didn't live, I thought there is no way people can survive feeling this way. I haven't had a full blown attack in about a year or so, I have little reminders, now and then, that I'm still fucked but I've learned how to get through them and I can 'manage' the small attacks.
I won't even lie and say I don't have thoughts about giving up because I do, sometimes it's daily, most times though I look forward to another day and everyday seems a little better than the last nowadays which is amazing. Even that glimmer of hope is something I never thought I'd have.