Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Post from the new BB

It's the swoon. That sigh when you see them after an absence or when they smile, laugh, speak, move, cough...I know you know what I mean. It's their smell and walk and general carriage that make you swoon.

They make you light headed and sway because it overwhelms you. Takes you by surprise. That swoon you're just not ready for it. That involuntary reaction to the person you're really feeling.

I'm crushing really hard right now. Crushing mighty hard and uncertain how to continue, how to transition from crush to potential suitor. Uncertain if I should even make the attempt. Thinking I should count my winnings and let this infatuation play itself out. I've pretty much reconciled with the fact that it really will never happen. Seeing him everyday though throws a wrench in the plans to murder the crush. I also made the, I realize now, misguided decision to tell my friends. They won't let it drop so I can't let it drop.

Oh the swoon. It takes me over when I see dude smile and laugh and generally be himself. Wish I didn't have these feelings, makes things so complicated. One sided love affairs suck.

Sunday, December 26, 2010

Posts from the new BB

Christmas Day was spent at work having laughs with friends and co-workers, then at home reconnecting with family. I am amazed at how big my younger brothers are getting and my baby sister is super tall and super spoiled...just like me I guess.

My cousin brought her kids and they're getting big too. I'm not too big on family. The only family I've really only known is my Momma and that's mostly all I've needed. Christmas is the time we all connect though and that feels fitting, feels right.

My friends tell me I'm an adult now...Lord knows when that happened. Celebrating being an adult by doing what I want and being who I am. I love me and I discovered this year that I really like me too and that's all I ask for right now.

The year is ending and it has been a good year, a year filled with many trials, many failed expectations, may laughs and many blessings.

Be blessed, be happy.

Posts from the new BB

Written December 24th
It's Christmas Eve. Where are you tonight? I'm in pretty much the place I was last year...different house, different mindset, different me. Maybe its not exactly the same. This year I have a crush on a coworker. This year my friends are still that but the number has dwindled. This year I've made a concerted effort to be less of a punk and more of an adult.

This year I dont give a fuck what you want from me, this year I take less bullshit, this year I like myself more.

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Posts from the new BB

Is 25 the age I must hit in order for it to hit me? I'm wondering cuz I've been trying to figure out when exactly I'm supposed to find that place where I create my path. Right now this path is creating itself without much input from me.

So much to do, so much to see. So much I want to, got to do. When do I make the definitive plans? When exactly do I start getting serious about it? When does it become more than guesses? Educated guesses sure and in my world surety is better than uncertainty any day of any year.

I talk about having guides. I don't want anyone to tell me what the fuck to do. I don't respond well to authority. I'd rather someone tell me that life sucks and you just have to work through that shit to get what you want and none of it is ever easy. My Momma is just trying to survive long enough to be able to stop working and I don't have anyone else. No one who's lived anyway. My friends are becoming and doing their own thing. I just leave them to it and try to be there if they need me.

It's different from what I used do which was sit around waiting for them to include me. I was dependent and that life sucked big time. Living for someone else is no living at all and I'm so glad I woke up.

Post from the new BB

I kept saying if he knew me, if he knew me, only if he knew me, things would change. He would see how beautiful my eyes look and how great my laugh is or how my glasses ride down my nose…Things I love about me, so would he. Unfortunately life never works out that way. He never noticed me in high school, he damn sure didn’t notice me in college and he’s not noticing me now.

Only after I wasted so much time did I realize my efforts were for naught not because they didn’t notice me but they never really mattered. I was obsessed with the notion that someone could and would willing love me because I never felt that, not from a dude anyway. That paternal love is missing and I’m running to these bobble headed boys/men in search of it.
Until it’s resolved I’m going to be doing the same motherfucking thing over and over and over. I’m not sure how to escape the cycle. I don’t love these men, I love him and can’t get that from him. My father, that’s the him I’m always chasing. The him I see maybe once a year and I have so many emotions going through me that I only let anger surface. I only want to feel anger because to feel anything else would overwhelm me, would break me.
I don’t want to be the first to reach out. Once I do that means I’ve lost what little edge I had. What little control I have. I’m his child and in my mind, what I want for my reality is for him to reach me. Him to tell me that he always loved me, wanted me, wanted to be there but just didn’t know how to. Didn’t  know how to love me didn’t know how to be a part of my life but he’s willing to try. I can’t be the one to do it first. I want him to atone to me. Maybe I’m being selfish and I think about it all the time what if he were to die, where would that leave me. Chasing regrets for the rest of my life.
I’ve written about him, written my life about my loss of him. I felt like I never had him, and knowing him has just felt more hurtful than not knowing him.
I can’t keep chasing that, it may never come and I need to come to terms with that. Mourn the death of it or it will haunt my days for the rest of my life. Better said than done.

Sunday, August 22, 2010

It's been far too long

Not too long of an introduction I'm gearing up to do a Weh Yu Mean? and Queerty Knows Best segments. I threw in some !!Hot Guys of this Day!! just for kicks. I've seen a few movies but I could not realistically give reviews for my Movies I Saw Last Week section because I don't remember most of them. Sad but true. So let's get it...
First up Weh Yu Mean?
  • Beenie and Bounty are frenemies again...at least for now. Weh Yu Mean? As is usual every few years or so these two veterans come together and say 'Peace'...at least for now. Sharing a stage at 'Fully Loaded' recently usually a strictly Alliance event where Beenie has been booed in the past. As a fan of dancehall music I have seen these two battle and reunite more times than can be counted. I love when they fight because the interviews and songs are HILARIOUS! It's also good to see them put whatever differences aside and unite in a culture where feuding is the norm.
  • Ele, Ele Elephant man. Is it the construction of the citrus sherbert house on the hill that is emptying your pockets? Or is it the fact that you haven't really had a big hit since Whoppy kill Phillip...and Phillip dead long time...? Repossessing the Benz? Is the monstrosity of the Big Bird Range gone too? Weh Yu Mean? Artists will never learn. Before you set up a nice fixed deposit to ensure that when all the red and yellow dyes finally destroy the cells that allows you to leap tall scaffolding you have a little supm to fall back on. What about the elventy seven kids you have? Are they taken care of? I mean log on and jook gyal money muss done by now right? Do better Ele.
  • At a recent event for work the man of the hour himself showed up and performed. A coworker of mine tapped me on the shoulder and asked 'Who dat?' I wondered the same as Mr. Palmer reeled off hits in an electrifying performance. Kartel how you brown suh? Weh Yu Mean? The man come pon stage and brown nuh rahtid, no explanation just..."OH...' I about DIED! The nigga brown man is still the only thing I have running through my mind. This is not the same person who brought us gems like 'Tek buddy gyal' Is a different braces clad, charismatic, crazy, hilarious genius (let's debate another time).
  • Is this young creation from God supposed to be copying Lady Gaga's 'Paparazzi'? Weh Yu Mean? Don't ask me what the rest of it is supposed to represent. Niggas be niggas every damn day.
  • All this back and forth about Usain not focusing and blah blah blah...I don't want to see him fail, none of us do and I hope he takes some time to refocus his efforts. Weh Yu Mean? He's young though 23/24 and truly I barely know what the hell I wanna do with my life and that's pressuring enough much less having every single eye on your back some wishing good, most wishing you fail. It's crazy responsibility and it's crazy pressure I just hope he comes back next year bigger and badder and faster with more focus and more success.
  • Does the fact that the SLB board members stepped down mean that my interest rate goes down? It's hilarious to me that this lady was allegedly such a tyrant that everybody feared her. Weh Yu Mean? Something about that just hits a funny bone. Her abuse of power to get resources is just a reflection of the many, many companies and corporations that are corrupt from the top to the bottom. She just got caught.
  • Dudus is gone. I can't tell you that I feel any safer or any better. My wish for our little island is prosperity and longevity. We are a proud, strong and amazing group of people and foerever and a day I will always, ALWAYS say Jamaica, land we love.
So on to the next one we've got a stirring (in the nether regions) episode of Queerty Knows Best coming up...I recommend you be in your bed with a glass of wine and a free hand....you know for scrolling down the page. Right...scrolling down the page. ENJOY!

Good God Almighty! I moaned through the entire process of choosing these pics. Mmmmm...scrumptious! Ok so each name brings you to the guys page over at the Morning Goods section of Queerty. NSFW but TSFD...

So I've got two !!Hot Guys of this Day!!...Daniel Ilabaca and Tom Hardy. Both of whom I have fantastic fantasies about instead of working. Without further ado...
!!Hot Guy of this Day!! January 23, 1988 - Daniel Ilabaca

Daniel ~ Meaning: God is my judge, Origin: Hebrew
!!Hot Guy of this Day!! September 15, 1977 - Tom Hardy

Edward ~ Meaning: Derived from the Old English Eadweard (wealthy or fortunate guardian), a compound name composed of the elements ēad (prosperity, wealth) and weard (guardian, protector). Edward is a royal name, having been borne by three Anglo-Saxon kings and eight kings of England
Thomas/Tom ~ Meaning: Twin, Honesty; Innocence, Origin: Aramaic, Hebrew

TSFD - Totally safe for drooling

On a Roll

I'm on a motherfracking roll! I feel the blogging spirit again. I'm in a zone. I don't usually do posts about International pop culture because Lord knows it's overdone but I will post a few of my thoughts on some recent happenings. I will also post and link to the AMAZING {AMAZING} coverage of the test screenings for Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows that took place yesterday in Chicago. I stopped breathing for a few seconds, it's INTENSE!
  • LOVE Emma Watson’s cut. So very cute but it made me a little teary eyed too because I realize that HP is really coming to an end and soon. I glad the rumor that she cut it for the 'Girl with a Dragon tattoo' movie wasn't true (hopefully) It's nice to think she just wanted to cut her hair. She's young, she's pretty. All is good.
  • Jennifer Aniston’s Harper’s Bazaar shoot was beautiful. She looked gorgeous and seeing the comparison shots of Babs along with it reminded me of how beautiful Barbara Streisand was too. We’re terribly short on interesting faces on TV and on big screens. I can’t tell half of these young ‘starlets’ apart. They're carbon copies and I fear for the state of Hollywood when every girl's gotta be size -1/2.
  • With so few actual movie stars that matter it’s refreshing as usual to see Julia Roberts. I still get a chuckle remembering the ‘Who’s Natalie?’ bit from last year's Globes because I saw that live and I could not stop laughing. LOVE HER! That smile is infectious. I can’t say I love her enough to go see ‘Eat, Pray, Love’ though. The name is total Rossum (Too perfect, too romantic, cringe worthy sentiments, I use this in everyday life)…I just can’t. I was pleasantly surprised that people thought along the same lines as me. The reviews weren't horrid but they weren't great either.
  • Saw ‘Salt’ and I enjoyed how ridiculously good and bad it was. I was entertained and I actually got a few surprises. Side Note: Have you seen the USWeekly photo of the kids at the pool? Complete white wash (as usual) all about Shiloh wearing board shorts and no shirt. She’s wearing a necklace and looks like Brad, I think it’s adorable…the minivan majority however oh they hate it.
  • Saw ‘Inception’ planning to see it again, to solidify my theories and again just to enjoy the movie. I loved it so. I saw it’s flaws and I was happy for them because it made it imperfect and for a concept and almost execution that’s as close to perfect as you can make it (nowadays anyway) I was happy for those imperfections. Perfect would have made our heads explode.
  • Also did you hear? New KOL on October 19. 'Come around Sundown' I get a little wet thinking about it. They have my heart. All of them. A friend told me and inside I literally melted, because I knew they’d be doing promo and that just means pictures upon pictures upon pictures upon pictures upon pictures…I could seriously go on but this is already longer than it needs to be.
  • My love for George Strombolopoulos knows no bounds, saw ‘The Hour’ last night and about swooned as he cheesed it up with Cypress Hill. Is it right that I get weak in the knees every time he says “It’s your boyfriend George Strombolopoulos”? I always pretend he’s talking to me.
Ok so let's get right to the most important thing. Test screening for Deathly Hallows Part 1 took place in Chicago yesterday and I almost screamed. I literally stopped breathing. Realizing how close we are to the end and how excited I am for these movies. A little bit of a spoiler below.

I have no shame admitting that I cried just a little hearing about Hedwig >>> especially after so much speculation and protest of Harry letting Hedwig go we learn that at least in the test he does die in a most EPIC way. HEDWIG! DOBBY!

I don't want to spoil it for you but if you want to spoil it for yourself visit Mugglenet (great in depth review with podcast which was awesome).

Expect another post coming up soon. I'm so glad I'm back.

Title pic -

Side Order

The below is a piece I wrote and submitted for a women's newsp[aper journal. I didn't expect it to get printed the editor said she just wanted to see my writing style. I don't love it. but it's mine and I love that I had the balls to submit it.

What is it about ordering that extra side of onion rings? Is that apple pie so tasty that you just can't resist? Knowing of course that it will be adding those extras pounds that you don't need. Is it the temptation of the forbidden, the allure of those few bites of heaven...? What is it about the side order that makes it so appealing?

The side piece, the man on the side, Joe Grind...sound familiar? Is he the tempting morsel that makes you feel wanted or is he the physical manifestation of a lack of faith and trust in your existing relationship? How strong is his siren call and why are you answering? The pull of that sweet song is what has pulled many a mariner to their deaths, many a relationships too.

Security. That's the reason I heard most for acquiring this particular side order.

'Makes me feel secure that there's someone else there if something happens to my relationship.'
'I don't want to feel alone'
'I'm keeping my options open'
'He does things my boyfriend won't'
I'm not surprised or shocked that so many of my friends and acquaintances have, along with their main number 1, an order on the side. I have in the past categorized it as a cultural thing but I've come to realize that by cultural I actually mean worldly it's evident in so many countries, so many lives and so many stories. Some may define these relationships as polyamory, participation in multiple and simultaneous loving or sexual relationships, but the women I've spoken with do not consider their side orders as 'relationships' merely as an extra not as a whole.

I could not glean any one reason that gives rise to these relationships and when asked about possibly dissolving the affair I got a very loud, resounding 'NO!' I also asked about attaining and maintaining monogamy with their main partner and one answer I received surprised me.

'When we're older we can think about that'
This is when I realized the error in my study I had only gained information from one age cohort, women between the ages of 22 - 26. Of course my results may be and as evidenced by my results are skewed so now I wonder are older persons immune to the siren's call? Is the allure too tempting for young people to resist or even want to resist? I guess I will ask again when we are older only time will tell if the order's are different.

I can admit that I have taken a few bites of those side orders in my own short life so my view is neither here nor there. I do know that the side order whether it be onion rings, apple pie, Jerome or Trey has an appeal that to some cannot be resisted and there are those who never try to resist the call of 'Anything else with that?'.

P.P. - Constructive criticism is one thing but being unsupportive is something totally different. I am unaware of what unresolved issues you have, I always believed that I was the problem but truthfully maybe I was wrong. I'm reconstructing my mind set, have been doing so for a few years but it seems you're the one caught in the throes of a misspent youth. I wish you'd come to your senses soon but its not my top priority to help you do that.

Title pic -

Past Posts from the BB

Here's another little ditty I wrote. I'm scrambling through the craziness that's my email and phone to find them all.

I do not know how to flirt. I do not recognise when someone is harmlessly flirting or flirting with a purpose. It confuses me when there's any type of flirting involved. 1. I'm horrendous at small talk and 2. It gets really awkward when I tend to turn IT on when the dude's only teasing. Awkward and embarassing.

What are the rules to flirting? I want to ask my friends all the time but feel stupid and immature. I don't get flirting. I understand the constructs of the games people play but I do not inderstand the theory and practical application. How does it work exactly? I know there's a thrust and parry but I can't get it all to fit in my mind as a cohesive construct.

This hinders me greatly. I'm already not the most social person so throwing in a concept that I cannot apply into a situation that I'm alrwady uncomfortable and we've got a disastrous evening. I do fine just being myself and sometimes, naively don't get why that's not enough. I've been seriously contemplating stepping my game up trying to estavlish new connections both platonic and romantic. Who knows what I may come across but it's hard to attempt that when I can't flirt.

Past Posts from the BB

I've written posts over the past few months but have not been able to post because I don't have a computer and this site's blocked at work (where I regularly do my comp work). Since things are unblocked I'll be posting some stuff I've written.


The truth is that I do not want to have a relationship because as I’ve said previously I can’t handle another person in my life right now; I’m all ‘emotioned’ out. That’s the truth. It’s not the whole truth though. The other truth is that I want to be in a relationship. I get it. I’m contradictory and puzzling.

Spent a few hours with Eanehj this past Sunday, getting upset, being placated, being chauffeured, people watching, ice-cream eating, laughing, reminiscing, and living. It was fun and I tried really hard to live in that moment. Suppressed my innate and often overwhelming fear of the unknown, fear of the ‘what next’s. Left feeling as usual like there’s something missing from my life. I hate not knowing what that is. I’m trying to figure out what’s missing, maybe its companionship, or maybe it’s my purpose in my life. I don’t know I’m making this up as I go I have no one to guide me or go through it with me. No rudimentary map I can use. My momma is too old and from another era and my mother and father….I don’t know who they are and so I’m just trying to figure it out all by myself.

It’s been interesting and terrifying all at once.

I am someone who lives in her head. Both reality and imagination collide and I’m always calculating several scenarios of what may happen through a decision I make now. I do this so much that I forget to live in the now and I’m left dissatisfied with how I tried to control the moment and just let it pass me by. I’m always there, always living within that world of choices, always neglecting to live.

I’m still wondering who I am, constantly struggling to discover who is this bitch? One part of who we are is defined by those around us. Who do they think we are? I’ve been described as kind, nice, funny and smart. A few others have been thrown around but these are the four that fit into my own self description. I’m also mean, spoilt, selfish, manipulative, sensitive, friendly, introverted, reserved and unsociable. A little good with the bad but this doesn’t wholly define me. There’s no one who can truly define themselves, we’re far too complex for that but we can provide a very concise description of who we’ve come to know as ourselves.

If I live to be 100 years old I’ll have regret. The one thing I’ve never wanted in my life. I never want to regret but there are so many situations and decisions I’ve over thought and failed with the choices I’ve made. So many times I’ve fourth guessed myself and made a bad decision. I’m not an impulsive person and there were times I wish I were, mostly I just wish I had discovered more in my life. Been the woman my destiny denoted.

Saturday, May 15, 2010

Let her be elevated

I'm embedding this in my 'Visual Cliff' on the right. Listen, Live, Learn.

The Thickness - Jill Scott

She a big chick,
Big ol' legs,
Big ol' thighs,
Big ol' hips,
Big ol' ass,
Big ol' tits,

She so big!
Won't nobody even try to reach her mind
Age 14,
Eyes green,
Young tender, supple, and fine,
Hear them,
all those oohs and ahhs slip as she lick her lips,
Oh, they want to fuck her,
They want to rub their dicks on her precious clitoris,
They want to watch them big ol titties settle and part a bit,
They want to talk about it,
Tell it,
Spread it,
Relive the conquest,
How they beat on that ass and how the knock that shit,

Don't stop,
Won't stop,
To recognize that there's more,
More underneath that thickness,
That sweet and round brown young tender thickness,
Now they like her quiet and eager,
Sweet and meager,
Don't you complain about my other women,
Just drop that big thick ass on my stiffness,
Make me nut all up on your gut with the quickness,
Don't stop,
Won't stop,
Lift it,
Yea girl lift it,
Lift it baby,
Drop it again,
Cause I aint your tribesmen no more,
I aint your friend,
Come on girl just let me in,
Let me into all that thickness,
That sweet and round brown supple bigness,

Cause she so big won't nobody even try to reach her mind,
She's been degraded, exploited, NOT celebrated,
Saturated with self hatred,

Let me say that again please:
She's been degraded, exploited, NOT celebrated,
Saturated with self hatred,
Cause every time she turns on the TV,
What does she see? big ol' booty,
And it don't have nothing to do with the song,
Thus, her definition of beauty,
Thus, her definition of beauty,

Oh, oh, oh Lord,
Oh Lord,
Oh Lord,

Let her,
Let her recognize the magnificence you've created,
Lift her,
Lift her,
Lift her,
Let her be elevated,
Let her be elevated,
Lord, Lord,
Let her be elevated,
Let her be elevated,

Cause she is so big,
She so big,
She so big,
She so big,
She so big,
She so big,
She so big,
She so big,
Let her be elevated,
Let her be elevated.

Thursday, May 13, 2010

Posts from the BB

My musical education began a little later in life than most people. Mainly because radio and TV weren't uppermost in my life. I mean money was tight so for a while I did without and when it finally happened I found myself trying to catch up.

For a few years in High School I pretended to know what everyone was talking about, pretended I recognized both local and international musician and musicians. Eventually I caught up with some but my knowledge has large caverns of empty space when it comes to popular music.

I've reconciled with the fact that I do have a lot to learn when it comes to music but I couldn't care less really about what anyone else thinks. I do this for me because I don't want to have missed out on good music, so I've spent many a hour watching, listening and reading up on acts and bands from the past getting caught up on what I've missed. Its hard though, rifling through the crap that people record but sometimes I discover a rare gem.

I also love discovering amazing acts that a lot of people don't know about. Makes me feel like they're just performing for me. Acts like Janelle Monae (who has/is being catapulted into stardom and well deserved too) Paolo Nutini (who's really big in Europe)

Where's this post going? I don't know my initial intention was to write about all the old Kings of Leon songs I discovered that are amazing (I did not know the 'On Call' was theirs). I love music, love musicians they're creativity blows my mind. I can't wait to continue my discoveries. So I guess I'm just gonna end it there.

Sunday, April 18, 2010

I asked him once
what he saw as he
slid from on top of me
Was he seeing my worth?
Was he seeing my girth?
Or was he lost in amazing experience
we'd just shared.

Did he see my sweat
or just my sweet...ness
Is it anything like his dream
his dream girl?
Has he already forgotten what we are like
those promises of 'you the best' and 'love it'
have they faded?

What is he seeing just above me
or below me
at the 126 degree angles
As I raise my head and whisper
Does he hear the implied 'I love you'?
What about the morning?
What evils does it bring
along with the light
as the cover of night
that masks guarded eyes

I asked him once
what he saw as he
became apart of me
what visions came forth was we shudder
"Life... I see life"

It's not perfect and
It's not what I expect
but what makes it memorable
is that he says it with this look
the look that makes me know
what Ive shared is reciprocated
i can rest
assured that this
love is just a beginning
THE beginning.

Friday, March 12, 2010

Posts from the BB

At night we would watch the stars
And he would physically give me each and every one
I felt like cayenne pepper,red,hot,spicy
I felt Dizzy, Sonya, heaven, and Miles between my thighs
Better than love,we made delicious
He me had,had me he
He made me tongue tied
I could hear his rhythm in my thoughts
I was his sharp, his horn section
His boom and his bip
And he was my love

Excerpt from "Love Rain" by Jill Scott

What is it that you notice about a lovers body? I feel weird sometimes mentioning that I notice their hands. And shoulders. And waist. Its all gorgeous to me. The way they smile whether its naughty or sweet or content. Its the slight shudder when you nip their shoulder letting them know everything they're doing is just right. I don't know. Its about closing your eyes and only seeing their face, not having to imagine anyone or any vibrating thing else. Its the eskimo kisses and greeting the sunlight together. I don't want to feel embarrassed about what I've shared with someone else, or feel like I'm the only sentimental bitch around. I treasure those memories they multiplied that intensity for me. Seeing my exes happy makes me happy I'm not the jealous girl...ok not jealous much especially not over a guy. I just want everyone to be happy once that happens the worlds a better place. I miss the intimacies and the friendships but I don't miss the created drama or the insecurities. I miss seeing the shoulders in the morning. Miss the smiles. Miss the shared experiences. Miss our shared breath.

"Breathe You In" by Mia Carruthers

I am undone
A little rough around the edges
Hearing stories of the hours past
And the hour glass we raised
The one I tried to chase
We talk too much

A million words
Meaning nothing at all
Telling stories of nothing real
It's never how we feel
And they say time is how we heal

I can't see you can't breathe you in no
If I do I'd never leave again

Oh again I love the concrete
It's my city grass beneath my feet
And walks with strangers
Hundreds of years
My senior

It's not that I can relate
It's just the little things that make me hate
The age I am
And the way we are
And it all comes back to

I can't see you
I can't breathe you in no
If I do I'd never leave again

I can't see you no
I can't breathe you in
If I do I'd never leave again
Oh again
If I breathe you in

Saturday, February 27, 2010

Written in Memo

While washing plates and singing along to 'Blame it on me' by Chrisette Michele I thought about relationships (nothing new) and I came to a realization. One which made me laugh out loud thinking about it.

Here it is, no matter how much I may think I want a relationship with someone I truly don't have the emotional capacity to feel anything for anyone right now. Truly all I want is to hit it and quit it. I don't have the time, energy or even inclination to want to spend time with another person. Its so much work trying to mesh your lives, personalities and complexities. I talk about wanting the *love* but I'm perfectly happy with what I've got right now.

It was hilarious to me because I've always been the commitment advocate. Always been the one who wanted more than a mere fuck stop. I've become so cynical though that I've found myself not believing in my own bull. Maybe in a few months or years i'll feel differently but I can't see myself with someone right now. They'll get annoying, i'll get bitchy and sarcastic and what was 'like' turns into intense dislike. I don't want that. I'd rather just enjoy one ride on the roller coaster then we can move on. I just don't feel I can love that person the way they deserve to be loved.

This is kinda sad coming from me but I kept trying to think where will I put this person? Which part of my life can this puzzle piece fit and the answer was clear. The puzzle right now is complete and there's just no room for it. I see that puzzle piece as belonging to another puzzle, another lifetime, just not my life. I have so much else to worry about that I don't have time to worry about another person. I don't want an open relationship either. Emotions get involved in all relationships whatever the moniker and that's a tangled web that can lead to possibly more bullshit.

Of course I want some type of more than friend companionship but I know I can't handle it and I would never want to hurt someone else because of my current inability to give my all completely.

Also don't get it twisted I'm not talking about promiscuity or being unsafe. Always, always wear a condom. Be safe, be protected even if you're partner isn't prepared make sure you are. Remember STDs are and always have been preventable diseases.

Title Pic -

Sunday, February 14, 2010


Officially I'm not in a relationship with another person. Officially it sucks sometimes to be single. Unofficially I am as happy as can be as I look at myself in the mirror and smile. Realizing my current love story is with myself. Realizing that the adoration in eyes is from within and I'm loving myself more each day. It's a revelation really. I'm thanking God I had the opportunity to discover that self love finally. It's a beautiful thing.

It's Valentine's Day. I sent a message to some friends wishing them a happy one. I attached 'Because you're loved' on the end because I wanted them to know that it wasn't just superficial greetings. It was a heartfelt wish for them to know that there is at least one other person in this universal plain that loves them.

Below is a song by Floetry....the video is can be found here. Listen to it. Read the lyrics feel the passion and sensuality and pain and love. I may not be the biggest Valentine's Day fan but love is glorious and who am I to hate on a day that purports to celebrate it?
"Getting Late" By Floetry

Ooo baby
ooo um baby
oh baby
[1st Verse (Natalie Talking)]
We need to um talk about where
We're taking this thing.
How far we're gonna let this go.
We've been here before.
Its getting late.
[Chorus 1 (Marsha Singing)]
It's getting late.
Why you gotta be here?
Beside me.
Watching, needing, wanting me.
I'm afraid, (Don't Be)
I'm afraid, (Don't Be)
I'm so scared that you'll hurt me, twice.
Baby, oh baby baby baby
[2nd Verse (Natalie Talking)]
Listen, I've already been thinking about you on my mind.
Far too often for you,
To be here at this time
You see, one hands on nine and the other's on my thigh.
Look,I already played with the idea of you
Being here in the mornin
And the position for the crack of dawn
And the conversation before the yawning
But aah, it's getting late.
[Chorus 2 (Marsha Singing)]
It's getting late.
Why you gotta be here?
Beside me.
Watching, needing, wanting me.
But I'm afraid, (you say) don't be.
But I'm afraid, (you say) don't be.
I'm so scared that you'll hurt me twice.
Oh Baby baby baby
[2nd Verse (Natalie Talking)]
How's about I let you touch the space.
That you left behind,
The day that you stop smiling
The day that the tears started falling
But now were talking, touching
Almost making sensual again
We can taste the familiar,
Cause, the family hour supports it.
Of this moment,but was led by the movements cause ahh
It's getting late.
[Chorus 3 (Marsha Singing)]
It's getting late.
Why you gotta be here?
Beside me.
Watching, needing, wanting me.
But I'm afraid, (you say) don't be.
But I'm afraid, (you say) don't be.
I'm so scared that you'll hurt me twice.
Oh Baby baby baby
Oh baby twice baby baby.
[3nd Verse (Natalie Talking)]
I see the memories we replayed
Same space face bodies
I know there's a method to your manliness
but ah I'm a afraid
[Chorus 3 (Marsha Singing)]
It's getting late.
Why you gotta be here?
Beside me.
Watching, needing, wanting me.
But I'm afraid, you say don't be.
But I'm afraid, and you say don't be.
I'm afraid that you'll gonna hurt me baby, baby twice baby
[Ending Chorus 4]
I see the memories replayed, same space, same place
Same bodies baby I know this method to your manliness
But I'm afraid, babe
I see the memories replayed, same space, same place
Same bodies baby I know this method to your manliness
But I'm afraid, baby.

Sunday, January 03, 2010

Posts from the BB

Every year I write a post on or around December 1st in commemoration of World AIDS Day. Here's that post written on December 1st.

Today’s another day that we shouldn’t have to recognize but we want to pay tribute to those persons who have succumbed and those who are living with this disease. Every person who recklessly chooses to have unprotected sex endangers all of us and this has to stop. I pray the day will come when HIV/AIDS is a disease we can say happened ‘way back when’. I long for the day when a cure is found so that we can help those now who are now living with this disease.

INTERNATIONAL HIV/AIDS STATS People living with HIV:* 33.4 million people living with HIV worldwide* 31.3 million adults* 15.7 million women* 2.1 million children under 15New HIV cases in 2008:* 2.7 million people* 2.3 million adults* 430,000 children under 15HIV-related deaths in 2008:* 2 million total death

Posts from the BB

I wrote this a few weeks ago but only now getting the opportunity to post it.

I wondered about the decision to write that about myself but I felt and feel that this is who I am. I was attracted to a girl. Very attracted and having made no bones about being open to having relationships with women so revealing on twitter that I found her attractive seemed like nothing to me. Only after posting it did I realize that persons may have objections or tend to look at me differently. I mean I haven’t changed but their perceptions of me will. Who am I now?As usual people don’t see me; they see fat, natural hair, crooked teeth. That’s not even an ounce of who I am. That merely measures a centimeter on my 5foot 8inch frame. A New Year begins soon and my hope for the New Year is for a world where people become more tolerant of others and themselves. Learn to accept the good with the bad and realize that being a ‘better you’ doesn’t make you better than anyone else.

Posts from the BB

I've had a few ops to sleep with ex-boyfriends. They've asked and I usually turn them down. I don't have many exes but they seem to keep coming back wanting more. I'm far from conceited (barely confident even) but I've always thought of myself as adecent catch. At least for the right guy anyway.

I wonder about their offers, thinking why am I only getting these old offers there's currently no new guy offering to do anything. What's that about? I like knowing they still want me and though I've been honest with them they keep trying. That does an ego wonders but in the same vein my ego gets shot down, every time an op is seemingly missed.

I've been laying in a bed of fantasies and memories. Emotional tangles are so hard to unravel and that's possibly the main reason I don't try to actively seek someone out. Getting dumped or dumped on is scvary shit and my fear is currently set to paralyzing when I think about relationships.

I fear commitment and rejection. These are of course the same things most people fear. I want to try to overcome them but find that being apathetic works for me right now. I want a relationship but I'm not dying to have one. If it happens it happens. Whther it be for a second or a lifetime it will happen.

P.S. - What the hell do I have to be ashamed of? I write what I feel on my blog and on twitter it's me. If you can't share that's cool and I respect that if you wish to not read my thoughts then click the lovely X found at the top right hand corner of your screen. I should do a post about the double standard when it pertains to sexual exploits. As a blogger I write about what's in my mind needing to get out at that moment so if I'm feeling the need to be dicked down by an ex I'm gonna write about exactly what's coming to mind and what I'm feeling. People need to get over that misconception that women don't like sex. We love...well at least I love it. When it's with the right person. It's just good all around and we certainly get the same urges we're just not as obvious. But I've as I get older I've grown and learned that sex is just another facet of a relationship. It's great but it's not everything.