Tuesday, May 08, 2012

Posts from the New BB

I lost some friend-family last year which totally messed me up. It derailed so much of my plans, I literally fell into grieving and could not escape. I was not aware of it a majority of the time until I really evaluated why I was so sad all the time and why I just couldn't find my happiness.

In losing them I lost a part of myself, my childhood officially ended and I was thrust into this newness that I was unfamiliar with and so afraid of. I didn't discover that, though our friendship had died, I was still whole until the latter part of the year. After noticeable weight gain, several depressive episodes, anxiety attacks and suicidal thoughts. To say it was difficult would be an understatement.

I'm better now. Finally able to see some light ahead. Finally pulling my ass out of one of the worst periods of my life. So as I look forward to making plans and seeing those plans through and living my dreams and bringing them to fruition, I finally feel hope.

Hope is such a dangerous emotion. Too much and people become blind and naïve, too little and you're a cynical skeptic. The balance is so difficult. I'm scared shitless about the plans I'm putting in place in the next few months.

Fear grabs hold of me sometimes and makes it difficult to breathe. Through all of that I still have hope. Enough that I'm as equally excited as I am fearful that it will all be ok and I will be ok and just enough to still give me that edge that ensures that I prepare myself for whatever success and failure will surely come my way in the next months.

I'm hopeful and I'm going for it. Fuck that YOLO bullshit, I'm going for it because to not is to have wasted every good grade I've ever received, every minute of my Mother's worry about feeding us, every hour of study I ever did. My Mom's hope for me has always been for me to be happy if I don't go for it I'd disappoint her and myself.

Above all else I'm doing it all for me because this is who I am and what I want and I don't want to waste another second of this amazing life being anyone but me.

Thursday, May 03, 2012

Posts from the new BB

Reconnecting. There's nothing more eye opening than reconnecting with someone after a few months or years and realizing how much you've changed or how much the person's changed.

You kind of expect them to be the same or at least a little piece of you expects that. Depending on how the connection ended in the first place you may wish and hope the person has changed.

Initially it's awkward, whatever groove you had developed before is never the same. In a weird way you'll grieve the loss of that. This part of you and them has died and you'll miss it, you'll be sad. You may never recover that groove you may no longer be as close friends as you were before or the opposite e may be true. Your bond may be stronger than it ever was before.

I've always argued that friendships and romantic relationships have the same tenets, the same issues, take the same amount of work and can cause irrevocable damage if the end or get broken. My friends have been my family in the absence of such in my life and those relationships have been some of the most rewarding, most painful, most amazing experiences of my life.

We've grown apart, we've grown together, we're growing up.