I sometimes feel as if I've never fallen asleep. Never felt that bone deep rest that everyone else feels. I feel like I've been awake all my life and I just want to lay down and sleep for once, forever.
I fight this feeling a lot. I kick and I claw my mind away from it because I know there's only one way to get it. Only one way and I don't have the courage to do it. These thoughts scare me shitless. I'm scared of dying but I fear life. A whirlwind of fear. A fucking tornado and I'm scared of everything.
I feel like I'm waiting to be set free. I'm struggling to find that freedom in life so it leads me to think of the alternative. Maybe freedom is nothigness. I just don't want to go before my Mom does. I don't want her to feel she failed.
So for her I hold on. I fight and I kick and I curse and I claw my way away from that. Sometimes I feel like I'm screaming so hard but no one hears me. I'm hoping it's enough that I can hear It and I want to soothe what aches. I'm hoping as I always hope that I am enough.