Posts from the New BB

Did I mention how better off I am single? Because seriously it's the best state to be in. For me at least. I won't lie and say it stinks to have someone because it doesn't stink. In fact most times it smells wonderful. Being single is just awesome too and if you aren't with the right person then a relationship can feel like a bear trap.

I miss the intimacy of sex though. It's hard not having someone to share that with. Masturbation is only good up to a point and porn is just so boring. I like my freedom but I don't do casual sex and if I have any type of relationship with someone I don't want them to go outside the relationship for anything. I'm not into polyamorous relationships either because I can get insanely jealous and that just wouldn't work for me.

Dilemma!

I like long distance relationships. There's something about someone being far away that works for me. I would not have to see/talk to them everyday. I could see them only a few times a year and we can have our own lives while maintaining something stable. I like learning about other cultures too so that works out great.

I did a search online once trying to find a dating site for people who specifically prefer long distance or are only able to pursue long distance relationships. Found nothing. Prison sites mostly. o_O Yeah...no.

Maybe I'm just being picky.

My name is L-O-N-E-L-Y

Sometimes I wonder if love is really worth it. I seek it. I seek love and acceptance but I wonder if the heartbreak I experience along the way is really worth it. Worth the time, the effort, the sheer physical and mental energy you expunge to get it, keep it and try not to let it turn to shit.

I'm tired of looking though. It's getting to a point where it just seems like all the effort I put out there's nothing being reeled in. I love me, I've had to because it I'd my life and if I waste it thinking about bullshit I'll never experience anything. But I'm so tired of searching for love.

Why's it so easy for some? Dudes see me as another homie. I don't want to be anyone but me...

You know what I'm tired of my own bullshit. The lyrics to one of my fave songs if you've never heard it look it up.

Where I Wanna Be - Donnell Jones
I said I left my baby girl a message
Sayin' I won't be coming home
I'd rather be alone
She doesn't fully understand me
That I'd rather leave than to cheat
If she gives me some time
I can be the man she needs
But there's a lot of lust inside of me
And we've been together since our teenage years
I really don't mean to hurt her, but I need some time
To be alone

[Chorus 1]
But when you love someone
You just don't treat them bad
Oh, how I feel so sad
Now that I wanna leave
She's crying her heart to me
How could you let this be?
I just need time to see
Where I wanna be
Where I wanna be...

Sweet little dee-do-dee-dee...
I don't mean to hurt you, baby, oh, no, no...

[Verse 2]
Never did I imagine
That you would play a major part
In a decision that's so hard
Do I leave, do I stay, do I go?
I think about my life and what matters to me the most
Girl, the love that we share is real
But in time your heart will heal
I'm not saying I'm gone
But I have to find what life is like
Without you

[Chorus 1]

Sweet little dee-do-dee-dee...
I don't mean to hurt you, baby

[Chorus 2 x3]
See when you love someone
You just don't treat them bad
Oh, how I feel so sad
Now that I wanna leave
She's crying her heart to me
How could you let this be?
And I just need time to see
Where I wanna be

Where I wanna be...

World AIDS Day

Another day I wish we did not have to denotate but for those who are unaware December 1st is World AIDS Day. I cannot reiterate enough how important it is to get tested and to encourage others especially young people to get tested. Knowing your status and being safe can save so many lives. Save your own life by getting tested. Save the life of a friend, encourage them to get tested. HIV is truly not a death sentence but we should all try to live our fullest life without ailments or sickness. Let's stay safe and make conscious informed decisions.

 

The Jamaica AIDS Support provides free and anonymous testing services so there really is no reason to stay ignorant of your status. HIV/AIDS is a prevenatble disease that kills millions of people every year. Let us be mindful of those persons who have gone on and honor their memory by doing our best to live a happy, healthy, blessed life.

 

Estimated HIV prevalence and deaths due to AIDS in the Caribbean, as at 2009

 

Country	Living with HIV/AIDS		Deaths due to AIDS during 2009
	All people	Adult (15-49) prevalence %
Bahamas	6,600	3.1	<500
Barbados	2,100	1.4	<100
Cuba	7,100	0.1	<100
Dominican Republic	57,000	0.9	2,300
Haiti	120,000	1.9	7,100
Jamaica	32,000	1.7	1,200
Trinidad and Tobago	15,000	1.5	<1,000

It should be noted that the above figures are estimates and are made with a large degree of uncertainty. For example, the number of people living with HIV in the Bahamas is estimated as being between 2,600 and 11,000.

Source

Posts from the new BB

'Truth about Cats and Dogs' is one of my all time favorite movies. It's one of those fluff romantic comedies from the 90's that really resonated with me. Mostly because around the first time I saw it I was going through a really rough time. A time when being anything but conventional was disregarded.

I mean sure you can argue that pitting Janeane Garofolo and Uma Thurman is kinda two sides of the same coin because they were both beautiful women. To me though I got the message of the story. Suffice it to say this movie may have been the start of the process and journey I'm on with loving myself as is.

This movie was terribly significant as well because I had a sort of 'Truth...' Moment in real life. In the movie the protagonist Abby/Donna has a 7-hour phone conversation with the guy, Brian, she's interested in. At that time in my life, as with most teenagers, most of my relationships were maintained by phone. This one particular dude I actually met on the phone, my friends and I prank called his number and we struck up a conversation.

Now this guy, let's call him Dudley*, and I decided to have a private conversation. He was about 17/18 years old to my 14/15 and we seemed to hit it off really well. He was really nice and we spoke about a lot of things and laughed about bullshit. It was a fun night. We were on the phone for hours. After hours of convo we decided we should meet up in person.

I was and still am really shy so I was hesitant and nervous about meeting him. Eventually I agreed and at my acquiesance he said something like,

"I want to kiss you so bad. I'm going to kiss you when I see you."

Now 15 year old me was swooning. He was complimenting on my voice and telling me how great I sounded personality and voice wise and he couldn't wait to meet me.

So cut to maybe a week later I did what I now call 'The stupidest fucking thing I could have ever done' I went over to his house. By myself. Without telling anyone where I was going or who I was going to be with. Trust me. I know.

I arrive at his house about mid-morning. It's hot as hell I'm sweating and I have on what can only be described as middle aged Jehovah's Witness attire i.e. long grey skirt and a cotton T-shirt. My hair's in a bun on top of my head and I'm giving 'sweaty chubby girl going to sabbath later' realness. So I'm already uncomfortable.

I'm nervous as hell but not scared aka stupid. Dudley was adorable, very cute in a nerdy I wear glasses and like chemistry way and so very tall. I could tell though that as soon as he saw me it wasn't happening. He tried hard not to let it show though. I hit him with some sarcasm cuz you know...I'm an idiot and it's my go-to response. He let's me in and I sit on his floral couch thinking,

'I wonder if I'm gonna get raped? What are you doing bitch? Thought he was going to kiss me...*sad face*'

I notice he has a picture of his Mom and sister and I compliment them saying how pretty they were and then there's awkward silence for maybe 30 minutes when he 'remembers' he has to bring his car to the mechanic.

To tell the truth I was kinda relieved because since I figured out that there would neither be a kiss involved nor him turning the fan on during this hot ass day I say great just bring me home. We drive in almost silence to my house and during the drive I'm looking at everything but this dude who totally rejected me seconds after seeing me. Finally we arrive at my house or at least close to my house I told him to let me off within the general area so that no one I knew saw me getting out of this car driven by some dude they didn't know.

I think the worst part of this fucking disastrous day wasn't even this whack ass motherfucker it was the fact that once I was home there was no electricity. *womp* It was the MIDDLE OF SUMMER!!!! In Jamaica! I don't know how I survived the heat of that day. I literally just sat on my stoop looking forlorn and to the sky wondering if I could buy one of those hand held fans.

I laugh at this now but then I was pretty hurt. Especially by he fact that he didn't call me back nor did he answer my call the one time I called him after our meeting. There were no dogs with roller skates or any expressions of love from some British guy but I learnt a hell of a lot about myself and about how stupid one can be. He was cute though.

* - Not his real name

You and your bullshit

Lovely patronizing tone (as usual) when it's heavily apparent I haven't spoken to you for weeks. Months actually. Not concern I'm sure, most likely exasperation. Let me see what could it be that you may want? Another boyfriend checking your account? Want me to shut it down. No that's fine, I'm fine oh right you didn't ask. What else? You want some credit sure no problem no I'm not so fine...right I keep forgetting you haven't asked. Oh wait a text message...aren't we speaking? I should laugh it's that fucking hilarious but I've found my funny bone has departed and all I'm left with is an unsympathetic, insensitive bitch sending me messages. Shit don't get me wrong I'm a big fucking bitch but not to you. Never to any of you.

I was actually interested in your life, invested putting 100% getting 50% but at least I wasn't alone and I could pretend that my life didn't suck as much. Doesn't matter now because with the advent of this lovely year comes amazing clarity. I'm clear as fuck about me and what I want out of life and with every passing second with every plan I make and every dream I aspire to I think about your endearing enthusiasm (HA!) And say fuck you. I'll do it anyway, my way because you've always intimated I couldn't. You aren't there. You're never there. That's crazy to me. But I care less and less about you and your bullshit.

Posts from the new BB

I made a bucket list a few months ago. Not very detailed just some of he major things I'd love to do before I die. As 'be somebody' by Kings of Leon plays in my ear it's very fitting for the thoughts I'm currently having. I don't want notoriety, I've never wanted fame (fortune yes). I just want to be somebody to somebody.

My Momma loves me to death. I'm her second baby and her favorite. She never birthed me but she made me possible by having my father. He's her love and I'm her favorite. Our places in her life can never be superseded. She spoiled and spoils us as best she can. This is the life I want for my kids. I want them to know they are the most important person to someone. I don't ever want them to feel neglected or unloved.

Thought about getting married for the first time ever today. Marriage feels like a trap to me, but I seriously thought about it today. I hope to one day find someone who I can tolerate for more than a week at a time and vice versa. We'll have kids (hopefully) and adopt some kids and teach these kids to love themselves and others. To be respectful of everyone and everything and to be strong, smart, educated, theory challenging people who someday may change the world or just change their world.

Above all else I hope my kids are happy. I know I'm dreaming of a fairy tale. Marriage takes work. Raising children takes work. Being happy well adjusted human beings takes work. But I thought of marriage today to the right person and I added it to my bucket list. I guess I feel up to the challenge.

Year of sick Tsagrednerp

This year hasn't been the best for me. I've made countless trips to the doctor with different ailments from ear infections, at least 2, food poisoning, at least 3 times, migraines that won't quit after medication, back pain, now the craziest sore throat I've ever had and I've had laryngitis before.

The worst part is my doc told me to lose 25 pounds 3 months ago. I've gained 4. *whine time* I hate working out at home, except for yoga and I'm much more productive at the gym. Blah blah blah.

I hate being sick though because I have no control over it. I can't control the pain, the coughs, the fever any of it. Can't control any of it and that's where my problem lies.

That's just physically. Mentally I've been all over the place. The problem with being so close to your team mates and team is that when you're not able to back them up, when you're not able to be there then you feel guilty. I hate feeling anything much less guilt. I have no choice though, when I'm sick.

Another trip to the doctor today and another sick day logged plus blood tests on Sunday. Feels awesome. *cries*

Posts from the new BB

I love watching old movies. Movies anywhere from 10 - 60 years ago always get me. I feel more connected to them. There's a message in there but I'm too tired to figure it out.

I watched 'Love Jones' for the first time today. I liked it. I can see it's appeal especially at the time when it first premiered. Lord the men were fine as hell in it too. What I got most from it was that these people were adults having adult relationships. Leading complex, complicated and fucked up lives.

They make mistakes and often don't learn shit from it. They had conversations. Movies really lack conversations. People talk at people in movies not to them. There's usually no back and forth. Just one monologue and single word responses. I miss that a lot in my real life too.

I loved the hesitation and the fear. I really liked the movie but the story is what you make of it. The movie just is just that and people may not get anything from it. You learn your lessons from what resonates with you I guess.

I'm 25, still very young and I'm looking forward to 26. I'm 25 and I'd like to have a conversation.

Delicioso!

Look at that. Seriously look at every muscle, the lips, the eyes, the dick prints! *swoon* In order of their appearance we have Eric, Eduardo, AJ, David and Le Trung Cuong… *licks screen* All these beautiful specimen can be found at Queerty’s Morning Goods section or just click their names to go directly to their page. Today is a good day.

Guess what’s back?!

It's been ages since I did a Queerty Knows Best or a Weh Yuh Mean? segment on this blog. I know, I know what a travesty. I mean who hasn't been feeling a lack of gossip and hot men in their lives? The void is huge and is about to be filled. YES LORD!! Let's do a little gossip first then masturb…uhhhh peruse the deliciousness later.

·         If you know me you'll know what I'm starting with right? Who else but Vybz Kartel and his new reality dating show "Teacha's Pet". Weh Yuh Mean? The Teacher himself has a new reality show coming to local televisions near you and me where he has 20 local and international girls living in one house vying for his affection. Weh Yuh Mean?  I've had many hilarious discussions with friends and acquaintances about how much I am really anticipating this train wreck of a show*. This show can be no good but as is the theme of reality shows both here and abroad the worst it is the best entertainment it is.

·         Beenie and D'Angel. *sigh* *deep sigh* Now these two have been in and out of the press before during and it seems after their failed attempt at matrimony. Weh Yuh Mean? Beenie Man is the people's champion, Jamaicans love them some Beenie Man. To me Beenie has always been the most drama filled artiste, most of which he generates himself. I think he believes that this is how he stays relevant. I have no respect for LA Lewis but Beenie and LA are on the same boat with regards to generating foolish drama. I would find this situation hilarious if I did not find it so fucking tragic. D'Angel showing up to Bounty Killer's, her ex-boyfriend who would disrespect and beat the crap out of her, birthday mixer rather her husband's is very telling of what she holds as most important. Weh Yuh Mean?  Drama, Drama, Drama by a bunch of queens. Kinda over it.

·         This year's season of Digicel's Rising Stars has been tres disappointing. Weh Yuh Mean? The crop of contestants this year, save a few, has been pretty bad. Only in the last few weeks have the few talented performers been stepping up and giving more than sub-par performances. My pick for winner this year is Latty J. I like her stage presence, her style and her sound. She doesn't overdo it but she gives 100% to her performance and makes each song her own.

·         There has been a new crop of very well produced local TV shows lately. Weh Yuh Mean? Very surprised at how well edited, well-rehearsed and well produced they are and gives me hope for shows in the future. Namely Guinness Sounds of Greatness and In the Dance, I find that I don't roll my eyes as much when I watch them and actually enjoy the programming.

·         My tune of the moment is  "Street Hustle" by Specialist (Magnum Kings and Queens runner up) I can't get the repetitive chorus out of my head and who nuh love banana chips?

*I'm always the first person to say how much I love to see Jamaicans on TV,  on one hand yes I love to see my countrymen getting the spotlight but on the other hand it's usually a barrel of laughs seeing Jamaicans on TV making up words and speaking in accents for countries that have yet to be discovered.

Check next post for some Queerty Knows Best. *bites lip*

Post from the new BB

I'm not thinking about you* and your bullshit so...

What I am thinking about is why I'm sipping cranberry juice and wine trying to drown myself and not think about why I'm so scared to go there with this new dude.

TMI time. Last time I had a first with someone it came to an abrupt halt. His hand was touching me everywhere and when he finally reaches down for what I'm thinking is my jay** his hand just hits belly. That's fine I mean I have a belly a big one so *shrugs* it's expected. What totally got me out of the mood was him continuing down my body and still hitting belly.

Like I wanted to laugh out loud. It was so fucking funny to me. Totally broke the mood for me and though he persisted and persisted and I was like dude this aint happening. In that hilarious moment I became crazily self-conscious. All I could think about was the fact that he and his baby arms couldn't find my jay.

HAHAHAHA!!! As I write that and the wine's finally kicking in I'm laughing my ass off again but in all seriousness I don't want that to happen with this one. I like this dude and I haven't had a first anything with him. We've kissed a few times and that's been great but I find myself staring at his gorgeous face thinking 'this won't end well'

In the heat of the moments we have had he's told me he likes my boobs...a lot. Well who doesn't really? But along with those magnificent treasure chests comes never ending belly (apparently), back rolls, thunderstorm thighs and fat arms. A body I happen to appreciate and like but I don't know how he'll react.

I have no qualms about kicking dudes to the curb who can't handle this but I really like this one and even though all signs point to him liking it there's still this niggling doubt in the back of my mind that's screaming to me that he'll never find my jay.

*you - the bullshit creator
**Jay - as in Va-Jay-jay

I damn near lost two of my friends over the last few months. One we just grew apart. Grew very differently. Sure I could've been a better friend. She damn sure could've been a better friend to me. We just grew apart and we're still friends, I still love and want the best for her but for right now it's not happening and I'm working on it. Working on being there without being there but it's hard. So difficult. Especially when I lost the other one. I completely lost her.

She isn't there any more at all. Gone from my life. My friends are my family. She's my sister and it's almost like she's dead. I feel her loss. I hurt. She hurt me without looking back. That's the hardest to accept. I was there no pretense and who I was seeing, who I connected with was a fucking joke. Playing tricks on me like I'm some pawn. A joke to her I wonder. My sister. My sister tore my heart out and just left. There is no us there.

So I'm sitting here drinking half a bottle of wine crying and swaying not sure what this day turned into. I spent the day thinking 'God today is great' I feel lost right now. No idea where or who to turn to. Trying to figure out why I'm crying. Trying to figure out how to feel better about my life, about me. Trying to come to terms with yet another loss of family. Another limb torn off. My sisters. How foolish of me to think, back then, that we'd be forever family.

Once more I'm left trying to figure out why my family finds it so easy to leave me. To be without me. Am I so expendable? Am I so terrible? I'm trying so hard just to be. I'm trying so hard just to be. I'm trying so hard just to be. I'm trying so hard just to be. I'm trying so hard just to be. I'm trying so hard just to be. I'm trying so hard just to be. I'm trying so hard just to be. I'm trying so hard just to be. I'm trying so hard just to be. I'm trying so hard just to be. I'm trying so hard just to be. I'm trying so hard just to be. I'm trying so hard just to be. I'm trying so hard just to be.I'm trying so hard just to be.I'm trying so hard just to be.I'm trying so hard just to be.I'm trying so hard just to be.I'm trying so hard just to be.I'm trying so hard just to be.I'm trying so hard just to be.I'm trying so hard just to be.I'm trying so hard just to be.I'm trying so hard just to be.

Posts from the new BB

Say what you will but relationships at 22 are not the same relationships at 30. Here's the thing when you're looking for commitment at that age you're looking for stability that I doubt you'll find. The older you are the better you are at being in a relationship.

Call me a cynical bitch if you must but the relationships I want now are based on me having lots of fun being with this person and having amazing sex. I'm not about to start fantasizing about children and marriage. Are you kidding? I want to be with someone because it's fun to have them around. Fun to be around them, we can fulfill those goals we have now which is to enjoy our 20s with as much gusto as possible.

Carpe diem isn't just about bungee jumping and skydiving. It's about living your best life at that time in your life. Seize that day don't waste it trying to make marriage happen at 22 or babies happen at 25. Fuck those responsibilities for now and stop, stop prophetizing seeing yourself married to some dude you met 8 months ago. It may happen, sure, life is unpredictable but when you're 29 the likelihood of this being the girl or dude you'll be with is slim. Slim to none.

Shit happens and falling so completely can only hurt you and make you more weary when you're older. But then again maybe I'm just a cynical bitch.

I have a problem

I'm not a dainty girl. I'm a big strong girl who makes mistakes and fucks up and isn't afraid to say 'fuck up'. I'm far from dainty but I find myself blushing when I get a text. And smiling for no reason.

My latest interest is asian. Of chinese descent he said proudly. He's 6' 1" and thin. His smile is crazy beautiful and he kisses like it's the end of the world. He thinks my dimple is adorable and that my sarcasm is hilarious.
He shares my HP love (see previous post) and doesn't laugh when I say something stupid.

He curses along with me and makes fun of my Immac girl accent. He thinks my shyness is endearing and likes to hang back and people watch in corners with me. He squeezes my ass when we kiss and says I taste like chocolate truffles.

He knows it's been a while and hasn't pressured me into having sex. He calls me on my bullshit and tells me to stop the fuckery... I guess you see where I'm going with this.
I have a problem.

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows

I wore witch earrings as a brooch. This is how serious my love for this franchise is. Some people dress as characters, some buy wands and dress robes and owls and every marketable tool they could find to show their allegiance.

I wore my witch earrings as a brooch and lady bugs in my ears and I cried when Harry was in the forest. Like a baby. Because I remember reading the words and dying inside as Harry walked to his death. Not knowing he would live on. So brave.

And I cried when Snape met his end. 'Always.' Oh Snape. So tragic. And I felt for Tom Riddle in all his madness and his ruthless endeavor to live forever, to never feel, to live without love and companionship. Without feeling like you were wanted in this world. I know that feeling well. I felt for Tom Riddle.

Oh JKR, you made an adolescent experience so rife with confusion and self doubt so bearable. Beyond so. Made it more so. Taught us to value those things which ground us. Friends and family. People who would be there 'until the end'. Of course I cried. Of course I'd feel that it was more than a movie. It was the end of an era for me. Maybe in 15 years when I'm reading them to my children I will relive every moment as if they were new. I will read about the boy who lived and I will live again.

Posts from the new BB

I'm trying to understand where you're coming from and where my animosity towards you is coming from. Don't get me wrong there will never come a time when I don't love you but there are a few instances I find I don't like your fucked up attitude.

I am trying to be as open as I can because like me you don't take criticism well. You don't want any mirror on you until you are ready to see it. One of the reasons I barely say shit to you anymore because you'll take it as an insult. So I take potshots instead. Those you understand, those you value, those you can embrace and process.

It feels like the tides have shifted so crazily. My depression had me using you as my source of everything. I was so dependent and damaged. I needed a crutch, needed someone to keep me sane and alive. You were there for me when the tides were roughest. You may not know it but countless times you saved me from ending it. Just by being yourself. Being this amazing person who was there with no pretenses and no judgments.

I wonder if she's the real you or is this the real you? I don't like this stranger bitch. But I could use her again. What do you require of me? To stay in the background? I can do that, couldn't then but I can now. I don't know my position in your life anymore and once where this would cause me to hyperventilate I find I'm just wondering what you need of me to help you breathe.

Posts from the new BB

So my homie says she doesn't feel attractive. What?! All my friends are beautiful, beyond gorgeous. This is what I've always thought and I'm not alone in thinking that. For years I considered myself the 'ugly' friend and doubted my place among them because they were so beautiful.

They aren't just beautiful outside either but they are total sweethearts (most times) inside too. I find it amazing that she would say this. I never knew this was an issue for her because her confidence has always been something I envied. Battling with confidence issues I would seek to emulate her, try to gain her secret and through her especially I found my own confidence. Through her support and praise I've grown considerably.

Everyone has doubts about some aspect of themselves and mostly it's an internal battle that may take years to win, it's a marathon that will undoubtedly see you fall but as long as you get back up you will eventually have the strength to finish. Sometimes it's a never ending battle but where you are in that race determines how fast you shake it off and get back up.

It's weird that I'm essentially giving advice about self acceptance because I haven't won my own war but there are so many battles that I have won with myself that maybe someone who isn't as far in their journey may get something. A few years ago I was a mess. A fucking mess. A serious fucking mess. Life, I discovered, is just the most amazing thing we're given and we only have one shot so if I fuck it up I have nothing left. So I keep getting back up after every fall, after every ripple of self doubt, I just keep getting back up.

So to my homie*, bitch I love you to death, you're beautiful beyond words and you're amazingly smart and witty and funny and kind. Don't ever doubt that and if you do just give me a call or Ping me and I'll spend an hour telling you how stupid you are for thinking anything else.

I love you ese.

Post from the new BB

The message of not being a mistake, of my life being worthy of me being worthy is the biggest lesson I'll take from Oprah's show. So as I sit here crying and thinking about this message, about the clarity I feel as she says this, drills it into me and so many other persons who like me have never felt it, who have lived their lives thinking that they were the biggest mistake ever made. It's the best lesson anyone could teach me.

I'm going to share this in a space where I feel safe. When I was younger maybe 6 or 7 my Mom had to work one Saturday and dint feel safe leaving me at home on my own so she left me for a few hours with her brother's wife and kids. There were 4 or 5 of us a mix of boys and girls, some in their teens, all older than me at the time.

They told me they wanted to play a game, wanting to fit in I said yes. They never told me what the game was at first and I was the last to go. They went into a room and locked the door so I couldn't see. At the time I felt apprehensive, I told them I didn't want to play this game but after telling me that everyone else went I decided to do it.

In the room they told me to lay on the bed face down, so I did. I don't know which one and I can't remember how many but I remember them laying on my back and grinding their bodies onto mine. I remember laying there thinking 'This doesn't feel right, this isn't fun.' So after a few what felt like hours but were really only minutes I think they wanted to take it further. That's when I put my foot down and said they can do whatever but I'm not playing anymore.

I left them and spent the rest of the time there by myself, thinking and not thinking. Just waiting for my Mom to come get me. I don't know what they did with each other, I never asked and I didn't care. The next time my Mom had to work on a Saturday, I told her I didn't want to stay there, she asked me why. I didn't have a reason I just said I didn't. I mean I was 6 what was I going to say. It was only just recently that I even came to terms with the fact that I was abused. she never let me stay there again.

Just sharing this is the first step. I know it could be a lot worse and I thank God everyday that I had the sense at the time to stop whatever it may have escalated into. This is a lesson I must learn from, I must remember that it wasn't my fault. I did nothing to encourage their behavior and my stopping them shows how strong and smart I really am and have been.

I wish I had said something at the time. I hope it never happened to anyone else, I hope that my silence didn't hurt anyone else. I'm speaking out now though. I'm silent no more.

Posts from the new BB

I wrote about feeling sexy the other day. Feeling sexy in your own skin, loving yourself and everything else would fall in to place. I truly believe this.

You certainly don't need anyone to validate your feelings about yourself or any living thing. Your thoughts opinions and judgments are your own and should stay that way.

Today I felt really good about myself. I went to work in my skinny jeans and a tunic that I love. I felt it and my confidence was high and I was strutting. I thought I looked great.

I understand the rules of attraction, not everyone you're attracted to is going to be attracted to you. I understand this. Sometimes I wonder though, I feel good about me. I'm happy with me, I like being single (contrary to what I may have written in a moment of weakness) I like who I am and where I am. I am realistic though and never stagnant so there are things I want to achieve, things I'd still like to achieve but for now I'm good.

Why do I feel like I'm the only one noticing this?

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I don't know what skinny feels like and I'm not certain I want to. I've always been fat and bigger than most I meet and though I have my issues with my weight, my size has always been comforting and comfortable.

I feel strong and grounded. I like to feel my weight, know my impact. I have nothing against anyone who wishes to be thin or is naturally so, to each his own and I would never judge another persons decisions or judgments.

I like to feel the roundness of my hips and arms and I smile and give them a rub because I love them and they're a part what makes me but the aren't my entirety. So many pieces to this puzzle my body isn't even the half.

Being fat is a powerful statement for me. I'm taller and bigger than most and I feel like an amazing amazonian goddess and whoever can't accept that well that isn't my problem.

I can't see myself skinny and truly I don't know if I want to, I am fat and it's a part of my identity and I revel in it. I don't hide from it and I don't let it define me.

I can't say I'll never lose weight maybe I will maybe I won't but I'll always be fat. Fat and happy with it.

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There is nothing like discovering that you are in fact a grown up. Or at least your friends are grown ups and you're watching them change and become adults with responsibilities. Sure I have a job and I have my own responsibilities but I'm not maintaining a steady seemingly long-term relationship nor am I awaiting the birth of a child. All things my closest friends are currently undertaking.

It's an odd experience. I'm tryin to envision what life will look like in a year. Will there be a wedding? Will there be another baby? New jobs? New homes? I'll be the first to admit I don't share much of my life with my friends any more and vice versa. I don't know really what's happening in their lives right now. We've grown, not apart, but up. It's not the most important to share every detail of each moment of our lives. I kinda miss that closeness we once had.

Growing up forces you to come to the realization that your friends also have other friends. This used to be a scary concept for me because me and my abandonment issues used to think that them finding new friends meant that I'd be out of the picture. I've since learnt to accept this as just another part of the journey and I've found new friends too.

I still miss us though, I miss laughing out loud and sharing similar realities. Time changes everything. So at 25 I sit here waiting to welcome the newest member of our group. Baby Junes will be here soon enough and even more grown up things are to come. Wondering if I'm really ready...ready as I'll ever be I guess.

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I've never been thin. In fact I've always been the fattest and tallest almost in all of my classes from basic school all the way up to high school.

Notion that fat girls are uninhibited, desperate, pathetic and depressed has never been my reality. I have fat friends who are beautiful, confident and amazing. I can't say I've ever felt this, I've never felt beautiful and I'm not overly confident, but living in their reality allowed me to see that it does exist.

Eventually though I realized that wanting to be someone else was cheating me of a life so I accepted that I would never be beautiful and I've accepted that I am just who I am.

I have only recently discovered the size acceptance community and recently accepted that you can be healthy at any size. Whether society likes it or not as long as you're healthy and happy that's all that matters.

I once held the notion that if only I weighed 160 lbs then people would like me, if only I were pretty then my parents would never have abandoned me and I would have a boyfriend and I would be happy. It's been a few years since I've totally divested of that foolishness. I can't make people feel anything. I can't make someone love me and whether I'm 268 lbs or 90 lbs they're going to do and be whatever. I cannot control that and I should have never tried.

Take me or leave it doesn't matter to me. I take me forever and ever.

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So I'm planning a trip to San Francisco to see Adele in June I called my friend up to ask if she'd be interested in going. I knew she'd say no. I wouldn't have to ask about that. This once though I kinda wish she'd given it more than the one second it took her to say no.

I always say that. I never confront her about it though because I have to respect her space, her decisions and that her journey isn't mine. It's hard though, journeying alone. So I'm sitting here wondering if these tears are real emotion or just what I think I should be feeling. And It don't matter cuz she doesn't read my blog anyway.

Sometimes it hurts instead...

I can't get this song out of my mind. This is 'Someone like you' by Adele off her new album "21". Watch her perform it at the 2011 BRIT awards below or click here here.

It's a beautiful song beautifully done by the is amazing talent. I'm not in love or anything but I'm feeling this somewhere deep inside.

Read more for the lyrics and video.

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I'm not looking for you to kiss my ass but I'm also not looking for you to be completely indifferent to the shit I do. I support you but i'm no sycophant and the fact that you only told me your opinion after I expressed something similar pisses me off.

I'm a creative person, there's a lot of things I want to do, places I'd want to go but I tried thinking of one friend who'd be willing to be in a crazy photo shoot for me on a beach or in an old house or in the bushes...ok fine it sounds crazy but I've got some really good ideas but there's no one who'd be willing to participate.

I'm planning a really big trip for April of 2012. A trip to Europe. I can't be deterred and I know I can't force anyone to go with me because I am well aware of how expensive it's going to be. My friends have basically backed out and I totally understand...at least I'm trying to understand. The selfish bitch in me is screaming that no one does the shit I want to do. The good bitch in me though is fine with it because it's not a part of their journey.

It's a big part of my journey though. I took a look at my bucket list and have realized that at 25 I haven't done any of those things. I'm scared to complete them by myself but my friends are journeying on a different path and it's time for me to man up and grow some balls as my homie Axela would say. I have to live and that means with or without them. It's so hard.

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Being sexy isn't necessarily an art one has to learn. If you've got a significant other they already think you're sexy. That's not to say you can't keep it lively in the bedroom, kitchen, laundry room, car...etc. If you don't have a SO you can still be sexy without even trying too hard.

My sexy is in my heels, the higher the better, and a pair of shorts or a little dress and I'm swaying to a really good song. I swish those hips and move to that beat. I get lost in that dance and it's been known to cause quite a stir...My sexy is me feeling sexy to myself and loving it. My crush's sexy was his smile. It didn't show up often but when it does, damn...it's panty dropping time.

I hate that the term 'sexy' has an image of some big tittied white girl with nought but a string in her ass. Sexy is about sensuality and a positive body image no matter what size or shape you are. Sexy is in the way you walk and talk and smell and listen and dream and believe. It's all those things and it's intimacy and happiness and love.
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So what do I do?

I had a friend from work ask her friend if she thought she used men only for sex. I chuckled a bit because well I had been contemplating the same for a little while. Sure I already tried to have a friends with benefits arrangement that just exploded in my face when I realized I didn’t want to be having sex with someone who could call out someone else’s name during coitus without fear of repercussion. That isn’t me. It’s not the life I want for myself. I tried I really did and it was fun for a time, but once that orgasm faded all that’s left is someone you’re not attached to, someone who may or may not be thinking about checking Keisha and Dawn later and tomorrow.

I turn into an asshole when I’m in a relationship though. Like I become a simpering mess. At least that’s how I felt the last time I was in one. When I mentioned this to an ex he told me how far from the truth I really was.

“You guard your feelings like the best soldier I’ve ever seen. Hard to get close to, hard to know what you’re really thinking or feeling. Felt alone a lot of the time.”

Damn.

I don’t think I’m that way with my friends. I tend to smother them… In my head though I’m thinking “Don’t be a burden, don’t get too close, don’t make them see too many feelings because they’ll take advantage. Don’t get hurt.” Just the riches I carry with me from my feelings of abandonment from my parents. You know the normal shit. The shit I’m trying to be better than. Trying and failing it seems.

I thought we were going well up until those last 2 months or so and I had all intentions of using that relationship as a foundation to make the next one better. Now I don’t know. I can’t have a FWB kind of thing because it just doesn’t work for me. I can’t do real relationships either apparently because I have no feelings. Ok fine I have feelings but they’re the size of the Grinch’s heart before he met Cindy Lou.  So what do I do?

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My homie is pregnant. She's gonna have a baby this year and honestly the first thought that ran through my mind was 'I'm not ready.' No need reminding me that I'm not the one pregnant. No need to remind me that I won't have any major responsibility when it comes to this baby. The first and only thing that comes to mind nowadays is about me.

How am I going to handle it? How will this affect my life? Should I avoid this/be a part of that? I'm so self absorbed, I've closed myself up in a box that just cannot be opened...at least until baby sweetness came into my hemisphere. It's not my baby but I feel some responsibility, not much but some. The baby's already my favorite person, how is that possible for someone not yet born and in someone else's uterus?

Honestly I'm not ready for a baby and I think 24 is young but that's for me, my homie can handle it and I support the choices she's made. She'll be a great Mom and I can't wait to be Aunty Tsag.
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Let's have a toast...

Oh well for the morose I’m doing a Weh Yu Mean? post today because it’s looooong over due. As a side note never compromise who you are for someone else. It’s a lesson some of us only need one lesson in and others need an entire semester. You are amazing, remember that. I will definitely try to. If this works I’ll do a Queerty Knows Best later if not I’ll find something else to post.

Weh Yu Mean?

• If you know me at all then you know EXACTLY where I’m headed first.  Addijah ‘Vybz Kartel’ Palmer. I…When….I don’t even know where to start. What possible chemical allows a man to turn from onyx to citrine cannot be healthy for you? Weh Yu Mean? The man Sammy Sosa the ting and then had the AUDACITY to sing a hook saying ‘Cool like me wash me face wit the cake soap…’ Now tell me… Along with being more than surprised by his sudden pigment change I was also shocked at the initial response of his peers, fans and non-fans alike. There was no response. No one said a thing. Sure Kiprich tried, I repeat tried, to respond with a song that I refuse to look up the name for but his efforts failed when people started asking ‘What is a Kiprich?’
• It seems the initial shock must have worn off though as members of the dancehall community are now poking their heads out of the ground to utter hilarious, contemptuous and disgusted comments about his pigment change. Weh Yu Mean? Bounty Killer spewed his few…Did you see that ER interview a few weeks ago? Baby Cham kept silent about it but Bounty as his moniker suggests was bountiful with the comments, quips and remarks. Bounty the interviewee is PRICELESS. Aidonia has also given his $0.02 which seems to be less about the bleaching and more about…well who cares? Over the past few weeks Kartel has been responding to both overt and whispered comments 9can you believe he was on RAGA? Ummm….) Of course Kartel has responded he loves the sound of his own voice. The interviews have been AMAZING!
• I heard Sting flopped. Weh Yu Mean? I didn’t go so no skin off my back. I heard that both Beenie man and Sizzla showed up, as usual, and gave really good performances. I cannot name one ’new’ artist right now giving as amazing stage performances as those that have been in the business for years.
• I-Octane had one of the best years in 2010 and he’s one artiste I find will most likely stand the test of time. Weh Yu Mean? He had hit after hit and closed the year with a big endorsement deal from Digicel… he was headliner at a few  shows and he’s not stupid, he’s a conscious artiste but still fun and he’s not arrogant. That’s kinda what we’re looking for in our entertainment. At least I am.
• Why can’t I stop singing ’My unni bunch, my unni bunch…’ Weh Yu Mean? Vybz Kartel’s Christmas ‘carol’ ‘Like Chrtistmas’ feat Sheba was one of the better things to come out of 2010. Hilarious, unintentionally so of course, always unintentionally.
• Where is Busy Signal? Why is Mr. Lexx trying to revive a currently non-existent career? Why the Christmas/New Year so boring? Will Buju address his stint in the slammer at his hotly anticipated return to the stage in Miami? Are Beenie and D’Angel still together? Weh Yu Mean?
  

  It felt great writing another Weh Yu Mean? after so long. Look out for new updates.

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Curious…very curious. As I speak with my homie Axela about my friends not meeting my last boyfriend, I realize I never met any of his friends either. In fact we didn’t do much for a while there. He lived out of town mostly and though I’d visit most times we did nothing more than stay locked up in his house for days. Sure one could argue that because he was so far away spending as much time as possible with each other was uppermost  in our minds. This can explain the times he lived out of town but what of those times he lived within Kingston? 

We were together for a few years and during my college years he lived down the street from my university. Thinking on it now I guess I kinda knew he was hiding me and our relationship and I went along with it because he was there and he wanted me and I was happy. I loved him and I thought he loved me. In the end I just knew that our infidelities were not the only reason for our break up. I was just blaming us ending on the fact that trust was lost, but hey we never really had trust to begin with. He was hiding me and our relationship. Sure I met his Mom and some of his family and they were nice I guess I used that as the crutch to dispel my suspicions but I knew. I knew and I let him have his way because he was there and I was happy and I felt like someone wanted me. Wow. I am so disappointed in myself. So angry at myself because I thought I was stronger than that, thought I was a stronger person and in some ways I am now but this just shows how flawed I still am. 

I was just repressing these feelings, hoping to save myself the heartache. You can’t run or hide from your problems I should have figured that out by now. Now I am wondering if I should confront him about it? We’re still friends, whatever that means. Should I? Or should I let him and this fucked up relationship go and move on in the direction that I want my life to go. I don’t want someone who’s going to be afraid to be seen with me or afraid to have his friends know thata we’re together because I’m better than that and better than him. Using this opportunity to better myself not as a means to get depressed, that alone shows growth. I am glad.

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It's a new year and other than some birds and fish dying and being broadcasted over every fucking news channel that ever existed, it feels the same. I'm happy to announce that I didn't bring my crush into this year. It was nice while it lasted but it ended as it should. It felt great to have a crush again. Allowed me to feel as young as I am. Allowed me to re-visit all those feelings I used to have.

Tired of lonely saturday nights. Last night was prolly the most boring I've had in a while, nothing to watch, nothing to do and no one to talk to. All my friends have significant others, well if not all most. I don't nor do I really want that. I'm happy being single right now, I truly am. It's just a bore though when there's nothing to do.

Sex is secondary. If I needed or wanted sex I could get it anytime but I'm over casual sex. No matter how many fantasies I may or may not have, casual sex holds no appeal for me anymore. And since I have no current intentions to be in any relationships I'm pretty much celibate for 2011. Celibacy is in right?
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I wrote the previous post a few weeks ago and decided I might as well post it. Ah well...kinda hot right?

So it's a new year! Happy new year! I'm as happy as I can be, happier than most, healthier than most. I have to be thankful for that.

Be happy, be great and be blessed.

Live, Love, Laugh.
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