Sunday, August 21, 2011

I damn near lost two of my friends over the last few months. One we just grew apart. Grew very differently. Sure I could've been a better friend. She damn sure could've been a better friend to me. We just grew apart and we're still friends, I still love and want the best for her but for right now it's not happening and I'm working on it. Working on being there without being there but it's hard. So difficult. Especially when I lost the other one. I completely lost her.

She isn't there any more at all. Gone from my life. My friends are my family. She's my sister and it's almost like she's dead. I feel her loss. I hurt. She hurt me without looking back. That's the hardest to accept. I was there no pretense and who I was seeing, who I connected with was a fucking joke. Playing tricks on me like I'm some pawn. A joke to her I wonder. My sister. My sister tore my heart out and just left. There is no us there.

So I'm sitting here drinking half a bottle of wine crying and swaying not sure what this day turned into. I spent the day thinking 'God today is great' I feel lost right now. No idea where or who to turn to. Trying to figure out why I'm crying. Trying to figure out how to feel better about my life, about me. Trying to come to terms with yet another loss of family. Another limb torn off. My sisters. How foolish of me to think, back then, that we'd be forever family.

Once more I'm left trying to figure out why my family finds it so easy to leave me. To be without me. Am I so expendable? Am I so terrible? I'm trying so hard just to be. I'm trying so hard just to be. I'm trying so hard just to be. I'm trying so hard just to be. I'm trying so hard just to be. I'm trying so hard just to be. I'm trying so hard just to be. I'm trying so hard just to be. I'm trying so hard just to be. I'm trying so hard just to be. I'm trying so hard just to be. I'm trying so hard just to be. I'm trying so hard just to be. I'm trying so hard just to be. I'm trying so hard just to be.I'm trying so hard just to be.I'm trying so hard just to be.I'm trying so hard just to be.I'm trying so hard just to be.I'm trying so hard just to be.I'm trying so hard just to be.I'm trying so hard just to be.I'm trying so hard just to be.I'm trying so hard just to be.I'm trying so hard just to be.

Thursday, August 04, 2011

Posts from the new BB

Say what you will but relationships at 22 are not the same relationships at 30. Here's the thing when you're looking for commitment at that age you're looking for stability that I doubt you'll find. The older you are the better you are at being in a relationship.

Call me a cynical bitch if you must but the relationships I want now are based on me having lots of fun being with this person and having amazing sex. I'm not about to start fantasizing about children and marriage. Are you kidding? I want to be with someone because it's fun to have them around. Fun to be around them, we can fulfill those goals we have now which is to enjoy our 20s with as much gusto as possible.

Carpe diem isn't just about bungee jumping and skydiving. It's about living your best life at that time in your life. Seize that day don't waste it trying to make marriage happen at 22 or babies happen at 25. Fuck those responsibilities for now and stop, stop prophetizing seeing yourself married to some dude you met 8 months ago. It may happen, sure, life is unpredictable but when you're 29 the likelihood of this being the girl or dude you'll be with is slim. Slim to none.

Shit happens and falling so completely can only hurt you and make you more weary when you're older. But then again maybe I'm just a cynical bitch.