Saturday, April 20, 2013

Posts from the New BB

My father continues to fuck with my emotions. After literally years in between calls/visits he's calling me now "just to call"?! Like I'm emotionally no where near a place I can even begin to think about being anything but a stranger to you.

Some days I wish I could have a sit down with him and ask all those questions I've wanted to ask. I want to be able to cry and let him know how hard it's been being all by myself. Thinking I had no one but me and wondering if I'd be strong enough to survive by myself. I want to tell him these things and hope it damages him irreparably because that's how I've been damaged.

I don't know if we can have any type of relationship but then again I thought I'd stop wanting a father when I was a young kid and realized he was never going to be there but I guess I'm still just that kid.

Sunday, April 07, 2013

Sometimes I wonder about my heart. I crave heartache, I crave chaos and turbulence. Love and loss. Anything to break this calm resolve. There's nothing on the surface, no anger or happiness or love or hurt. Nothing. I fear that cold will spread to the rest of me. I fear I'll never feel anything out loud. I fear the dark that I feel enveloping me and I fear those acts that are only completed in darkness.

I feel so lonely sometimes. It's so hard craving human touch and then flinching whenever someone gets too close. I fear they'll feel how cold I am and be repulsed and never deign to touch me again. So I push everyone away and continue to get cold.

I wonder about my true self and about this fear I have that my true self is this nothingness that I feel. I worry about it. I'm a work in progress and that's still difficult to accept. I just want to be ok and be content with that.

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