Saturday, April 20, 2013

Posts from the New BB

My father continues to fuck with my emotions. After literally years in between calls/visits he's calling me now "just to call"?! Like I'm emotionally no where near a place I can even begin to think about being anything but a stranger to you.

Some days I wish I could have a sit down with him and ask all those questions I've wanted to ask. I want to be able to cry and let him know how hard it's been being all by myself. Thinking I had no one but me and wondering if I'd be strong enough to survive by myself. I want to tell him these things and hope it damages him irreparably because that's how I've been damaged.

I don't know if we can have any type of relationship but then again I thought I'd stop wanting a father when I was a young kid and realized he was never going to be there but I guess I'm still just that kid.

Sunday, April 07, 2013

Sometimes I wonder about my heart. I crave heartache, I crave chaos and turbulence. Love and loss. Anything to break this calm resolve. There's nothing on the surface, no anger or happiness or love or hurt. Nothing. I fear that cold will spread to the rest of me. I fear I'll never feel anything out loud. I fear the dark that I feel enveloping me and I fear those acts that are only completed in darkness.

I feel so lonely sometimes. It's so hard craving human touch and then flinching whenever someone gets too close. I fear they'll feel how cold I am and be repulsed and never deign to touch me again. So I push everyone away and continue to get cold.

I wonder about my true self and about this fear I have that my true self is this nothingness that I feel. I worry about it. I'm a work in progress and that's still difficult to accept. I just want to be ok and be content with that.


Notice of Confidentiality:

The information contained in this communication is intended solely for the use of the individual or entity to whom it is addressed and others authorized to receive it. It may contain confidential or legally privileged information. If you are not the intended recipient you are hereby notified that any disclosure, copying, distribution or taking any action in reliance on the contents of this information is strictly prohibited and may be unlawful. If you have received this communication in error, please notify us immediately by responding to this email and then delete it from your system.