I am uncertain when the day came that I began to think of they as entities separate from me.
Listening to Sinead O'Connor 'Nothing Compares to You' and this type of emotion puzzles me,I'm not certain what it feels like and I crave it. I want to revel in it, this emotion that makes you feel the vibrations from these people. I stand aside and observe, I don't know what it feels like.
I've had relationships end badly, I recall some of those feelings but to me it always seems like people emote 100% more than I do. What I felt appeared to be only a snow cap to their icebergs.
I've felt anger but not rage, infatuation but not love, lust but not passion. The extreme of the emotion still eludes me and so I stand back, a curious observer wondering these feelings are, how can they be described or measured?
In a previous post I spoke about finding that grand passion, the soul tearing wish I'd never met you can't live without shit that make people go crazy. How does that happen? How do you get to that point? I can't see past that threshold much less to push past it. Maybe I just haven't met that person yet. I'm passionate about other things in my life but I feel like not being completely free with my emotions holds me back.
My will is too strong. I'm afraid of myself as that person, free of my imposed norms. I'm scared of what she might look like once she's out.