While washing plates and singing along to 'Blame it on me' by Chrisette Michele I thought about relationships (nothing new) and I came to a realization. One which made me laugh out loud thinking about it.
Here it is, no matter how much I may think I want a relationship with someone I truly don't have the emotional capacity to feel anything for anyone right now. Truly all I want is to hit it and quit it. I don't have the time, energy or even inclination to want to spend time with another person. Its so much work trying to mesh your lives, personalities and complexities. I talk about wanting the *love* but I'm perfectly happy with what I've got right now.
It was hilarious to me because I've always been the commitment advocate. Always been the one who wanted more than a mere fuck stop. I've become so cynical though that I've found myself not believing in my own bull. Maybe in a few months or years i'll feel differently but I can't see myself with someone right now. They'll get annoying, i'll get bitchy and sarcastic and what was 'like' turns into intense dislike. I don't want that. I'd rather just enjoy one ride on the roller coaster then we can move on. I just don't feel I can love that person the way they deserve to be loved.
This is kinda sad coming from me but I kept trying to think where will I put this person? Which part of my life can this puzzle piece fit and the answer was clear. The puzzle right now is complete and there's just no room for it. I see that puzzle piece as belonging to another puzzle, another lifetime, just not my life. I have so much else to worry about that I don't have time to worry about another person. I don't want an open relationship either. Emotions get involved in all relationships whatever the moniker and that's a tangled web that can lead to possibly more bullshit.
Of course I want some type of more than friend companionship but I know I can't handle it and I would never want to hurt someone else because of my current inability to give my all completely.
Also don't get it twisted I'm not talking about promiscuity or being unsafe. Always, always wear a condom. Be safe, be protected even if you're partner isn't prepared make sure you are. Remember STDs are and always have been preventable diseases.