I had a friend from work ask her friend if she thought she used men only for sex. I chuckled a bit because well I had been contemplating the same for a little while. Sure I already tried to have a friends with benefits arrangement that just exploded in my face when I realized I didn’t want to be having sex with someone who could call out someone else’s name during coitus without fear of repercussion. That isn’t me. It’s not the life I want for myself. I tried I really did and it was fun for a time, but once that orgasm faded all that’s left is someone you’re not attached to, someone who may or may not be thinking about checking Keisha and Dawn later and tomorrow.
I turn into an asshole when I’m in a relationship though. Like I become a simpering mess. At least that’s how I felt the last time I was in one. When I mentioned this to an ex he told me how far from the truth I really was.
“You guard your feelings like the best soldier I’ve ever seen. Hard to get close to, hard to know what you’re really thinking or feeling. Felt alone a lot of the time.”
I don’t think I’m that way with my friends. I tend to smother them… In my head though I’m thinking “Don’t be a burden, don’t get too close, don’t make them see too many feelings because they’ll take advantage. Don’t get hurt.” Just the riches I carry with me from my feelings of abandonment from my parents. You know the normal shit. The shit I’m trying to be better than. Trying and failing it seems.
I thought we were going well up until those last 2 months or so and I had all intentions of using that relationship as a foundation to make the next one better. Now I don’t know. I can’t have a FWB kind of thing because it just doesn’t work for me. I can’t do real relationships either apparently because I have no feelings. Ok fine I have feelings but they’re the size of the Grinch’s heart before he met Cindy Lou. So what do I do?