Tuesday, June 19, 2012

Posts from the new BB

I started having panic attacks in high school. The first time I literally thought I was going to die and I did not have any clue what to do. The depression started in my teen years as well, the double whammy almost knocked me out of this game called life. Many years of suicidal thoughts, feelings of inadequacy and emotional upheavals followed where I tried to keep it all a secret.

I only have my grandmother, who raised me, whom I love and I know loves me but the generational gap was too wide and we don't have that connection where I can tell her anything about what's really going on. She's old school traditional too so any psychological issue can be solved by two scoops of church and a handful of Jesus.

My friends did not understand why I would just bust out crying without any preamble or warning and had no clue what to do when I'd have an anxiety attack. I always kept my suicidal thoughts a secret because I felt for sure if I ever told anyone they'd have me institutionalized. My greatest fear is being locked away and felt no one would understand me or my disorders.

I remember I was walking home from work one day and out of the blue I was in it I was literally trapped on the sidewalk. I couldn't go back I couldn't go forward. I was just stuck there and needed help. I called a close friend but she was unavailable. I think I called her 20 times. So I became irrationally angry at her. How dare she not be there to help? So I was terrified out of my mind in the throes of an attack and livid that she wasn't there to help.

Reliving that now and those feelings are just the worst. A few years ago I was having panic attacks almost ever week. I wanted to die. I hoped I didn't live, I thought there is no way people can survive feeling this way. I haven't had a full blown attack in about a year or so, I have little reminders, now and then, that I'm still fucked but I've learned how to get through them and I can 'manage' the small attacks.

I won't even lie and say I don't have thoughts about giving up because I do, sometimes it's daily, most times though I look forward to another day and everyday seems a little better than the last nowadays which is amazing. Even that glimmer of hope is something I never thought I'd have.

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