It's hard feeling unlovable. It's hard craving a certain type of love and not being able to source it. It's a difficult life when you imagine the next 5 years and though you see yourself fulfilling some dreams you can't help but notice the emptiness.
Sitting here another summer, another set of dreams, another set of realities that I have to deal with. I'm stuck again. Between feeling feelings and trying to suppress them or let them loose I'm still uncertain. Every year I break down I guess it's that time of year.
I have this uncontrollable need to list my 'I nevers' I never did this, I never did that, I never went here, will I ever? The more I list the more I remember and the longer the list grows. Headache now.
I'm tired of hearing how far I am or how odd I am, how fat and ugly. I'm tired of telling myself all this bullshit that don't mean fuck. No esteem. How does anyone get any? I fake that shit with people I don't care about. Which happens to be 99.9999999999% of my current immediate population. Then I treat the people who mean something like shit. Awesome life.
I'm not DTF. I'm not desperate in any way. I'm alone and lonely and I scream for affection but I don't want to be degraded. I'm looking for someone to fuck me as I cry and have that actually mean something. Sure it might scare the shit out of them. Yet they don't chalk it up to 'bitches being crazy'.
Shit I'm looking at the next 5 years of my life and I can't see the sunshine for the rain.
I can't even grow my fucking fingernails.