I kept saying if he knew me, if he knew me, only if he knew me, things would change. He would see how beautiful my eyes look and how great my laugh is or how my glasses ride down my nose…Things I love about me, so would he. Unfortunately life never works out that way. He never noticed me in high school, he damn sure didn’t notice me in college and he’s not noticing me now.
Only after I wasted so much time did I realize my efforts were for naught not because they didn’t notice me but they never really mattered. I was obsessed with the notion that someone could and would willing love me because I never felt that, not from a dude anyway. That paternal love is missing and I’m running to these bobble headed boys/men in search of it.
Until it’s resolved I’m going to be doing the same motherfucking thing over and over and over. I’m not sure how to escape the cycle. I don’t love these men, I love him and can’t get that from him. My father, that’s the him I’m always chasing. The him I see maybe once a year and I have so many emotions going through me that I only let anger surface. I only want to feel anger because to feel anything else would overwhelm me, would break me.
I don’t want to be the first to reach out. Once I do that means I’ve lost what little edge I had. What little control I have. I’m his child and in my mind, what I want for my reality is for him to reach me. Him to tell me that he always loved me, wanted me, wanted to be there but just didn’t know how to. Didn’t know how to love me didn’t know how to be a part of my life but he’s willing to try. I can’t be the one to do it first. I want him to atone to me. Maybe I’m being selfish and I think about it all the time what if he were to die, where would that leave me. Chasing regrets for the rest of my life.
I’ve written about him, written my life about my loss of him. I felt like I never had him, and knowing him has just felt more hurtful than not knowing him.
I can’t keep chasing that, it may never come and I need to come to terms with that. Mourn the death of it or it will haunt my days for the rest of my life. Better said than done.