In my mind I kept saying 'Seriously?! Are you being serious right now?' and I let slip that I thought she was losing her edge, talking about marriage to this man whom she'd had a roller coaster relationship for years. Maybe he had changed, maybe them both being older and more settled made them want to be more settled. I hate admitting it but I felt kinda betrayed. As if we'd made some blood pact at 10 that she was breaking. I felt like she was settling. Like sure you love this man now but are those feelings real? Or are they the residuals of so many years of connectedness?
I feel terrible writing that because I was being so judgmental and truthfully as we've grown steadily apart over the last few years I can't say wholeheartedly that I know what she wants anymore or how she feels. We're different people and I just had to accept that who she is now is considering those things as viable options. That she wasn't me who cries about being lonelyish one moment and then cringes at the thought of having a significant other the next. My other homie, KARP, has a new man in her life as well and the relationship is fresh and they're sharing endearments over social networks like twitter and facebook and I get the same feelings all over again. Maybe it's jealousy (it's not), maybe I'm just a mean old bitch who is both afraid of never feeling that and afraid of being overwhelmed by it. I don't do relationships well. I'm acerbic and cynical, terribly sarcastic and an acquired taste.
I fear I'm going to lose myself completely in a relationship so I never give more than needed of myself. I fear that I'll never feel that with anyone so I never give more than needed of myself. Catch-22 if there ever was one. I just cant imagine my friends being married with kids. It scares me. I'm scared about us not growing older but growing farther away from each other. I'm scared that I'll be standing by watching them build families and I'll just be standing there stagnant. That's scares the shit out of me.