Sunday, April 07, 2013

Sometimes I wonder about my heart. I crave heartache, I crave chaos and turbulence. Love and loss. Anything to break this calm resolve. There's nothing on the surface, no anger or happiness or love or hurt. Nothing. I fear that cold will spread to the rest of me. I fear I'll never feel anything out loud. I fear the dark that I feel enveloping me and I fear those acts that are only completed in darkness.

I feel so lonely sometimes. It's so hard craving human touch and then flinching whenever someone gets too close. I fear they'll feel how cold I am and be repulsed and never deign to touch me again. So I push everyone away and continue to get cold.

I wonder about my true self and about this fear I have that my true self is this nothingness that I feel. I worry about it. I'm a work in progress and that's still difficult to accept. I just want to be ok and be content with that.


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