Wednesday, January 03, 2007

The Club is Officially Out of Liquor.

I'm bored out of my ever loving skull. There is nothing going on and definately no one to rub a dub with. I feel so left out of the loop sometimes. I don't have a boyfriend and though I usually don't let this plague me it killed me this season to not have one to share things with. Just to fucking share intimacies with. I felt so alone and unwanted it really weighed on my mind. It was just, not negative necessarily put not positive either. I have no one I can call up and say "Hey how was your day?" I feel like I'm swimming in this big pond and everyone else is floating on some device and no one notices that I'm drowning. I'm drowning and no one notices that I can't swim. I' really tired of feeling like this. I'm tired of letting this get the better of me. I'm perfectly alone, alone and wanting more. I refuse to accept that this is it and due to some unfortunate, but character building, aesthetic flaws I'll be feeling like less of a person for the rest of my life. I'm not worthless you know and I have so much of myself to offer to another person but I can't even get a chance to show this. I don't want to feel like I have to prove myself worthy because I already am worthy. I'm feel as if I'm worthy of so much and being denied because of some big universally joke. Often I feel like the pig amongst a flock of swans. I'm so awkward and afraid to just accept myself. I haven't felt any real emotions in a couple years. It hurts just a little too much to feel. I am an emotional wreck and I don't know what to do about it. People refuse to see me. They look right through me and when I see them do that I suck it up and pretend that it doesn't bug me. they see right through me like I'm not even standing there, like I'm no one. Sometimes I just want to shout in there faces to look at me, because I am right here I am a person.
I am not invisible,
I am believable,
as a friend and
lover and sister,
mother, teacher, school mate.
I am relieved to find
the fate of man kind
still depends on my fertility,
for then
I can get to be translucent,
having a purpose,
serving human kind
can qualify me as
I am not invisible,
I can convince me
to believe
that I am whole
made up of pieces
that are complex,
and as fortunate to know each other
as man kind is
to know it's universe.
I am not invisible
and neither are you,
I can see you
walking through me
diffusing my being
making it harder for me
to find me.
Distorting my image
into what you think you see,
catching a glimpse
of a girl who looks
like that girl,
oh you know that girl...
can't remember her name
but thats who i thought I saw.
I am striving to see myself
when I look in the mirror
often I find the image opaque
and fading.
Who are you? I want to scream
because she is not me
I am not invisible.
How can I be invisible when we are all apart of each other?
Do you see yourself?
Are you invisible?
I feel so out of place. Like this is not me and I am waiting for my life to begin. I'm waiting to start over. I don't want to be stuck like this.

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