Bathroom Break

I wanted to write some glittering piece of foolishness that noone reads anyway right...but then I decided why? I'm alone here aren't I? Does my mother even see me other than her savior? I love her to death I swear to God but sometimes it's me alone seeing the real me. I have no pretty words, no sweet anythings to say about me...all I have all I've ever had is just this...This face, this body, this life, this... I love my life i just wish I wasn't living it all alone. I feel like if I break my leg now no one would be affected but me. I would have to struggle to get to work, then struggle back home, then sit and cry in my bathroom and ask myself why the fuck my MOM doesn't love me or why my father couldn't have tried to be at least a little bit of a DAD to me. I feel so inconsequential. I tried to think about whether I was depressed or not but I realized, I'm happy about my life. I love my career choice I love me and I love my mother (MOM and mother are two different people...if you hadn't figured it out) I'm just sad and alone, alone because i'm sad...I've got friends but at this point I call them friends by default...If you can't figure it out there's no help for you. I wasn't trying to isolate myself from anyone, I was taking a step back putting me at the fore...Thinking about my life for once and not how someone else's would be affected. I was thinking about how I feel about myself and about how I feel about some of the things my friends do and it made me feel sad. Thinking about not being able to help really, not being able to aid in the hurt that they maybe experiencing. I though about that damn E. J. Dickey's "Between Lovers" and though I absolutely HATED that book (only that one though I LOVED everything else...except maybe "Liar's Game") it got me thinking...Thinking about what the lead female character said about black men and women and the dynamics of that relationship. Thinking about what she said about the vaseline and anal sex. Thinking about what she meant and what these girls must be feeling while in that act whether it be vaseline or saliva its the same degredation and pain. I'm not talking about exploring the realms of sexuality with your partner either I'm talking about fucking for the sake of fucking...Kneeling and bending over for the sake of some man that is doing the same thing to some other girl. Thinking that they feel the humiliation of it all but can't stop, won't stop...refuse to lose. I've moved from the little girl who can't make a choice between Rum and Raisin or Cherry Cheesecake ice cream (I put my money back in my poclket and move the fuck on) I'm thinkg and feeling, chooisng between spiritual wellness, looking in the mirror and seeing more than my face. Seeing the reflection of a woman... not compromised, not sleeping around, wholesome (well not totally wholesome) TRUE....

No title pic today...no words of advice either..Just wishing I didn't have to be told...