Saturday, July 18, 2009

Post from the BB

One of the hardest things you can do in your life is challenge the roles you've built and what others have built for and about you. I am one of the most laid back people you'll meet but of course that's merely a facade, I'm observing and analysing everything I'm just not verbal about it.

I talk about my friends a lot because that's currently the only relationship I have right now outside of my family and I've formed an attachment to it that in the past has not been the most beneficial to me or my development. This is mostly due to my bottomfeeder self esteem and what I think about myself. I don't think I deserve much so this is what I project and what I get reflected back at me from other persons.

it's who I was and in some ways who I still am but I've moved myself so far from that person that the roles I was assigned way back when we became friends just don't fit who I am now. There's a clash and so in order to avoid conflict I decided to it cold turkey remove myself from that situation completely so that possibly they'll realize the changes and either take them or leave them.

Right now I think they're leaving them and about a year ago I would have been upset about it and just go back to being that person but it's not been half as hard as I thought it would. That's a little scary. If I don't have them who do I have and by extension who the hell am I? Its an eye opening and nerve racking experience and I fear losing them but I feel like I never even had a chance to find myself so there seems to be a price to pay for everything. I don't know if they'll understand, I'm not sure if I could fully explain it so we continue to be at a standstill on friend telling another that ikm prolly just being my regular depressed bitch self not realizing or caring how hurtful that shit is, and ill continue hoping that the best me develops from this I won't think about whoever is standing beyond that reveal whether everyone or no one.

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