Posts from new BB

I may not look it but I am competitive type of bitch. I'll work my ass off to do good especially at things I'm interested in and passionate about. I'll go without sleep, I'll do double triple overtime to ensure that what I produce not only achieves the standard but surpasses it. But…here's that bitch word but. Once I lose interest I don't give a fuck about it. I don't even give it a second glance. Unfortunately this is what's happening to me at my job. I'm over my current position. Like so far over it I'm flying to the fucking moon. As I'm over it there's nothing in it that captivates me at all. In fact I'm just working for the paycheck because other than that this job holds no mystique for me at all. I wont go so far as to say I hate it but it doesn't stimulate me intellectually at all.

 

This and only this can explain the abysmal score (in my eyes) that I received for the last observatory period. Usually my score exceeds expectation without much effort from me but as I have placed even less effort than normal my score is simply an achieved. UGHHHHHH!!!!!! Yes of course it's my fault. I understand that without any effort my score will fall but I just feel less and less enamored with the position than ever. I have been searching and submitting my resume for other positions with no luck. Instead what I will do is re-invigorate myself and put more effort into this position. I don't want to get fired so I'm going to pump it up.

 

My plans depend on me having a job where I can make a nice enough living that will allow me to save to make those plans come to fruition so I've got to do better. I guess starting today I will be.

Maybe I am a Gryffindor after all.

If all things go as planned *crosses fingers & prays* I will be embarking on a different path in my life by September of next year. I'm scared out of my mind. Genuinely scared that I'll fail but without having tried that's an automatic fail.

I never saw my path, which ironically was staring me in the face, until fairly recently. I thought I knew what I wanted to do and be but passions change and I need to start living my true passion now as I have no idea how much longer I have left.

Over the past few week's I've felt so alone and lonely. I haven't been living for myself and as I have been slowly opening my eyes over the last few years I am starting to see the light. I have needs and wants and dreams that I'm leaving unfulfilled because of what I deem as my responsibility to others. But if I continue this way I will wither away having given my life away. That's not what I want for myself and that's not what the people who love me want for me.

I'm trying to snatch those dreams while I still can. It matters to me that I live a full life, that I find true love and get my heart broken, that I bet it all on black win big and hopefully lose small but if I lose big I hope I leave with lessons that will propel me into the next big score. I'll surely fall, no one is ever 100% accurate at life, I will surely fall and fail but I hope I have the strength to get back up every time.

So I'm taking a new path, a path that will surely lead me into places I've never been and people who will both fascinate and infuriate me and yes I'm scared but my excitement is beyond capacity so much so that I'm pushing past my fears, using my fear instead to make sure I'm prepared for what may lay ahead. I guess this is bravery? Maybe I am a Gryffindor after all.

Posts from the new BB

I used to buy a burger and soda from Burger King almost every Friday in high school. We were definitely living in the poor bracket. My Mom was the only source of income and though my parents tried sometimes, often and in most instances we didn't get help from them. Those who have lived at this level and lower know how much that fucks with you. You find many outlets to express your frustration.

Lots of creative and expressive people rise from the ghetto. This upbringing made me both unhappy and creative. I vowed to never be there ever again and I would read anything I could put my hands on so that I could escape. So that I could live someone else's dream and life. I wanted to be anyone but myself and anywhere but where I was.

So every Friday what money I had saved and not used to buy new books I would go to Burger King and buy the tiniest of burgers and a soda and I'd go home and savor it. I would be so happy in that moment because I felt like everyone else. I felt normal. It didn't matter that we didn't get running water til I was high school or that we didn't have in door plumbing. I was just like any other kid who could afford to eat a burger.

We all have these moments and things we use to make ourselves feel better. This memory makes me sad sometimes and makes me really think about all the other kids who don't even have that even this simple a dream. Makes me want to scream for those, especially kids, who have less than I had. Who don't have a burger on Fridays to look forward to, it can make one go crazy.

I wonder what I can do to ease that even for one child.

Posts from new BB

I miss watching HBO's Def Poetry Jam with my friend on Fridays. Miss sitting as close to the TV as possible with closed caption on so I could hear and see every word. We would watch together and discuss afterwards. The good, the hilarious and the bad. We would discuss the feelings they brought up and what had inexplicably change within us from the art we had witnessed.

I remember we talked about the overwhelming love we felt for our mothers one night and the struggles and hardships they went through but would never show to us. I declared that there was nothing I would not do for her and I cried for her. For her youth, for her son, my father, for the opportunities an chances missed and gained. I cried so hard for her. In that moment I cried and I healed and we cried together and it was good.

I miss being this with my friend. I miss knowing who we were together. I miss the nights spent laughing and prophesizing and building plans for the everything we would do together. I miss our vibe together that we were so funny and fun together.

I miss who I once was sometimes. As fucked up as she was the pain was all masked by a kind of forced joy. As flawed as I now realize she was she had a 'fuck it all' attitude that I just don't partake in now. Right now the joy I feel is different, I'm different. My happiness is not a mask for deeper more unhealthy emotions, but I do miss the abandon of youth.

I miss that me sometimes. Miss her ease of laughter and lack of cynicism. Her total lack of awareness, her naivete. Before life beat that shit out of me I used to dream the dreamers dreams. Grandiose plans for my life and my future. Sure I didn't have a clue what or who I wanted to be but that didn't stop me from flinging things out like a 7 year old. 'I wanna be a lawyer, no a therapist, no I wanna be an air force ranger." Ha. I was fucking hilarious. I still dream and I dream big but my dreams have purpose and power now. More structured but still free. I dream the grown up dreamers dreams.

I've found that since we all change and become more of ourselves people tend to put down their old selves never admitting to liking who they were because who they were totally contradicts who they are now. I look back fondly with no regrets and encourage everyone to do the same.

I've never been more clear about who I am today and I figure tomorrow will bring even more clarity. Look back and reminisce but don't regret that old self and that old self's choices. There's nothing you can do to change the past, look back and try to find the lessons hidden within these memories. Learn from what the you back then is trying to teach. Pay attention to yourself.

Blurb from the new BB

My earliest memory is waddling into the shower where my father was bathing. I remember it was an outside shower and I remember feeling curious thinking 'What's this? What's that noise?' I don't remember seeing him naked but I remember the sun on my face and opening the door but I don't remember seeing anything. I also remember everyone laughing. It's one of my fondest.

Posts from the BB

I'll be 26 years old in 24 hours. Amazing shit to think about because I still vividly remember walking to Primary school. I've technically been an adult for 8 years now. That's hilarious to me because I still feel like a kid.

I may have my moments where I think "Damn I'm getting older..." but I definitely appreciate the fact that I am able to get older. That I am able to experience new things and people without trepidation. I turn 26 in a few hours and I'm happy about it.

Am I where I want to be at 26? No. Do I still have weak moments that make me question my life and my choices? Yup. Growing older is not easy. Living your life is simultaneously the easiest and the most difficult thing in existence. I can't say I'm happy but I'm not unhappy either.

My prayers are filled with keeping my family, my Momma safe and healthy and wishes for continued blessings. I've been blessed to live these last 26 years as tsagrednerp. Here's to another 26 and beyond.

Posts from the new BB

I'm terribly self absorbed. I like to analyze my feelings, look into myself and try to work on those issues within that prevent me from getting to happy. This tends to sometimes bar me from reaching out to those closest to me to find out what may be happening in their lives.

Five times out of 10 I will ask usually I wait for you to tell me. Hate forcing people to share when they aren't ready to. This I've found is something that has changed as I've grown. When I was younger I was all about putting me last because that's what I felt my position was. That mind set has definitely changed. Apart from my Mom, my happiness comes first. My sanity comes first. It has to or I will never survive.

This doesn't mean that I don't care about people or refuse to aid or assist in any way I can. It just means that I can still help, I can still be there for the ones I love while keeping a piece of me for me. I find that a lot of people either throw there all into someone, shit I've been guilty of, or they don't give a fuck about people. It's a crazy balance that you have to find for your own life.

It's an interesting journey trying to figure out who you are as a single entity. It's also misguided to think you can really know who exactly you are being really young. Youth is meant to be enjoyed and mistakes are meant to be made. We discover as we go along. The person you think you are now is not the same person you're going to know in 5 years.

It's a difficult thing, this growing up. People often use the term to mean becoming more responsible. Fuck responsibility. Growing up is just getting older. There is no average age for anyone to stop learning things or developing their personality.

Life is too fucking short to live by anyone else's rules and you have to pay attention or you will miss it.

In short - love yourself first, love others and never stop learning.

Posts from the new BB

Please remind me never to watch 'Brokeback Mountain' again. I think this is my fourth viewing and I break every time. Every time. My heart breaks, my spirit is weak, I'm just shattered. Thoughts of who I am and the dreams I'm choosing and the dreams I've given up on run through my mind. I guess everyone goes through the same. Or not. Loads of people don't connect to stuff like that and that's fine. For me though I always gain something from the message, from my tears.

I don't want to wait 20 years stop and look around only to realize that my dream deferred is nothing more than a memory. I don't want to hide who I am. I don't want to say 'I wish I had...' I never want to live that life. I need to stop watching this movie.

I'm snatching up every opportunity I can find this year. Volunteering, trips, more writing, more freedom, more everything. Above all else this movie is an embodiment of it CAN be too late, be who you are, love who you love, follow your dream today because tomorrow is not promised. Damn I can't stop crying I'm def going a few years without seeing this one again.

Posts from the New BB

Did I mention how better off I am single? Because seriously it's the best state to be in. For me at least. I won't lie and say it stinks to have someone because it doesn't stink. In fact most times it smells wonderful. Being single is just awesome too and if you aren't with the right person then a relationship can feel like a bear trap.

I miss the intimacy of sex though. It's hard not having someone to share that with. Masturbation is only good up to a point and porn is just so boring. I like my freedom but I don't do casual sex and if I have any type of relationship with someone I don't want them to go outside the relationship for anything. I'm not into polyamorous relationships either because I can get insanely jealous and that just wouldn't work for me.

Dilemma!

I like long distance relationships. There's something about someone being far away that works for me. I would not have to see/talk to them everyday. I could see them only a few times a year and we can have our own lives while maintaining something stable. I like learning about other cultures too so that works out great.

I did a search online once trying to find a dating site for people who specifically prefer long distance or are only able to pursue long distance relationships. Found nothing. Prison sites mostly. o_O Yeah...no.

Maybe I'm just being picky.

My name is L-O-N-E-L-Y

Sometimes I wonder if love is really worth it. I seek it. I seek love and acceptance but I wonder if the heartbreak I experience along the way is really worth it. Worth the time, the effort, the sheer physical and mental energy you expunge to get it, keep it and try not to let it turn to shit.

I'm tired of looking though. It's getting to a point where it just seems like all the effort I put out there's nothing being reeled in. I love me, I've had to because it I'd my life and if I waste it thinking about bullshit I'll never experience anything. But I'm so tired of searching for love.

Why's it so easy for some? Dudes see me as another homie. I don't want to be anyone but me...

You know what I'm tired of my own bullshit. The lyrics to one of my fave songs if you've never heard it look it up.

Where I Wanna Be - Donnell Jones
I said I left my baby girl a message
Sayin' I won't be coming home
I'd rather be alone
She doesn't fully understand me
That I'd rather leave than to cheat
If she gives me some time
I can be the man she needs
But there's a lot of lust inside of me
And we've been together since our teenage years
I really don't mean to hurt her, but I need some time
To be alone

[Chorus 1]
But when you love someone
You just don't treat them bad
Oh, how I feel so sad
Now that I wanna leave
She's crying her heart to me
How could you let this be?
I just need time to see
Where I wanna be
Where I wanna be...

Sweet little dee-do-dee-dee...
I don't mean to hurt you, baby, oh, no, no...

[Verse 2]
Never did I imagine
That you would play a major part
In a decision that's so hard
Do I leave, do I stay, do I go?
I think about my life and what matters to me the most
Girl, the love that we share is real
But in time your heart will heal
I'm not saying I'm gone
But I have to find what life is like
Without you

[Chorus 1]

Sweet little dee-do-dee-dee...
I don't mean to hurt you, baby

[Chorus 2 x3]
See when you love someone
You just don't treat them bad
Oh, how I feel so sad
Now that I wanna leave
She's crying her heart to me
How could you let this be?
And I just need time to see
Where I wanna be

Where I wanna be...

World AIDS Day

Another day I wish we did not have to denotate but for those who are unaware December 1st is World AIDS Day. I cannot reiterate enough how important it is to get tested and to encourage others especially young people to get tested. Knowing your status and being safe can save so many lives. Save your own life by getting tested. Save the life of a friend, encourage them to get tested. HIV is truly not a death sentence but we should all try to live our fullest life without ailments or sickness. Let's stay safe and make conscious informed decisions.

 

The Jamaica AIDS Support provides free and anonymous testing services so there really is no reason to stay ignorant of your status. HIV/AIDS is a prevenatble disease that kills millions of people every year. Let us be mindful of those persons who have gone on and honor their memory by doing our best to live a happy, healthy, blessed life.

 

Estimated HIV prevalence and deaths due to AIDS in the Caribbean, as at 2009

 

Country	Living with HIV/AIDS		Deaths due to AIDS during 2009
	All people	Adult (15-49) prevalence %
Bahamas	6,600	3.1	<500
Barbados	2,100	1.4	<100
Cuba	7,100	0.1	<100
Dominican Republic	57,000	0.9	2,300
Haiti	120,000	1.9	7,100
Jamaica	32,000	1.7	1,200
Trinidad and Tobago	15,000	1.5	<1,000

It should be noted that the above figures are estimates and are made with a large degree of uncertainty. For example, the number of people living with HIV in the Bahamas is estimated as being between 2,600 and 11,000.

Source

Posts from the new BB

'Truth about Cats and Dogs' is one of my all time favorite movies. It's one of those fluff romantic comedies from the 90's that really resonated with me. Mostly because around the first time I saw it I was going through a really rough time. A time when being anything but conventional was disregarded.

I mean sure you can argue that pitting Janeane Garofolo and Uma Thurman is kinda two sides of the same coin because they were both beautiful women. To me though I got the message of the story. Suffice it to say this movie may have been the start of the process and journey I'm on with loving myself as is.

This movie was terribly significant as well because I had a sort of 'Truth...' Moment in real life. In the movie the protagonist Abby/Donna has a 7-hour phone conversation with the guy, Brian, she's interested in. At that time in my life, as with most teenagers, most of my relationships were maintained by phone. This one particular dude I actually met on the phone, my friends and I prank called his number and we struck up a conversation.

Now this guy, let's call him Dudley*, and I decided to have a private conversation. He was about 17/18 years old to my 14/15 and we seemed to hit it off really well. He was really nice and we spoke about a lot of things and laughed about bullshit. It was a fun night. We were on the phone for hours. After hours of convo we decided we should meet up in person.

I was and still am really shy so I was hesitant and nervous about meeting him. Eventually I agreed and at my acquiesance he said something like,

"I want to kiss you so bad. I'm going to kiss you when I see you."

Now 15 year old me was swooning. He was complimenting on my voice and telling me how great I sounded personality and voice wise and he couldn't wait to meet me.

So cut to maybe a week later I did what I now call 'The stupidest fucking thing I could have ever done' I went over to his house. By myself. Without telling anyone where I was going or who I was going to be with. Trust me. I know.

I arrive at his house about mid-morning. It's hot as hell I'm sweating and I have on what can only be described as middle aged Jehovah's Witness attire i.e. long grey skirt and a cotton T-shirt. My hair's in a bun on top of my head and I'm giving 'sweaty chubby girl going to sabbath later' realness. So I'm already uncomfortable.

I'm nervous as hell but not scared aka stupid. Dudley was adorable, very cute in a nerdy I wear glasses and like chemistry way and so very tall. I could tell though that as soon as he saw me it wasn't happening. He tried hard not to let it show though. I hit him with some sarcasm cuz you know...I'm an idiot and it's my go-to response. He let's me in and I sit on his floral couch thinking,

'I wonder if I'm gonna get raped? What are you doing bitch? Thought he was going to kiss me...*sad face*'

I notice he has a picture of his Mom and sister and I compliment them saying how pretty they were and then there's awkward silence for maybe 30 minutes when he 'remembers' he has to bring his car to the mechanic.

To tell the truth I was kinda relieved because since I figured out that there would neither be a kiss involved nor him turning the fan on during this hot ass day I say great just bring me home. We drive in almost silence to my house and during the drive I'm looking at everything but this dude who totally rejected me seconds after seeing me. Finally we arrive at my house or at least close to my house I told him to let me off within the general area so that no one I knew saw me getting out of this car driven by some dude they didn't know.

I think the worst part of this fucking disastrous day wasn't even this whack ass motherfucker it was the fact that once I was home there was no electricity. *womp* It was the MIDDLE OF SUMMER!!!! In Jamaica! I don't know how I survived the heat of that day. I literally just sat on my stoop looking forlorn and to the sky wondering if I could buy one of those hand held fans.

I laugh at this now but then I was pretty hurt. Especially by he fact that he didn't call me back nor did he answer my call the one time I called him after our meeting. There were no dogs with roller skates or any expressions of love from some British guy but I learnt a hell of a lot about myself and about how stupid one can be. He was cute though.

* - Not his real name

You and your bullshit

Lovely patronizing tone (as usual) when it's heavily apparent I haven't spoken to you for weeks. Months actually. Not concern I'm sure, most likely exasperation. Let me see what could it be that you may want? Another boyfriend checking your account? Want me to shut it down. No that's fine, I'm fine oh right you didn't ask. What else? You want some credit sure no problem no I'm not so fine...right I keep forgetting you haven't asked. Oh wait a text message...aren't we speaking? I should laugh it's that fucking hilarious but I've found my funny bone has departed and all I'm left with is an unsympathetic, insensitive bitch sending me messages. Shit don't get me wrong I'm a big fucking bitch but not to you. Never to any of you.

I was actually interested in your life, invested putting 100% getting 50% but at least I wasn't alone and I could pretend that my life didn't suck as much. Doesn't matter now because with the advent of this lovely year comes amazing clarity. I'm clear as fuck about me and what I want out of life and with every passing second with every plan I make and every dream I aspire to I think about your endearing enthusiasm (HA!) And say fuck you. I'll do it anyway, my way because you've always intimated I couldn't. You aren't there. You're never there. That's crazy to me. But I care less and less about you and your bullshit.

Posts from the new BB

I made a bucket list a few months ago. Not very detailed just some of he major things I'd love to do before I die. As 'be somebody' by Kings of Leon plays in my ear it's very fitting for the thoughts I'm currently having. I don't want notoriety, I've never wanted fame (fortune yes). I just want to be somebody to somebody.

My Momma loves me to death. I'm her second baby and her favorite. She never birthed me but she made me possible by having my father. He's her love and I'm her favorite. Our places in her life can never be superseded. She spoiled and spoils us as best she can. This is the life I want for my kids. I want them to know they are the most important person to someone. I don't ever want them to feel neglected or unloved.

Thought about getting married for the first time ever today. Marriage feels like a trap to me, but I seriously thought about it today. I hope to one day find someone who I can tolerate for more than a week at a time and vice versa. We'll have kids (hopefully) and adopt some kids and teach these kids to love themselves and others. To be respectful of everyone and everything and to be strong, smart, educated, theory challenging people who someday may change the world or just change their world.

Above all else I hope my kids are happy. I know I'm dreaming of a fairy tale. Marriage takes work. Raising children takes work. Being happy well adjusted human beings takes work. But I thought of marriage today to the right person and I added it to my bucket list. I guess I feel up to the challenge.

Year of sick Tsagrednerp

This year hasn't been the best for me. I've made countless trips to the doctor with different ailments from ear infections, at least 2, food poisoning, at least 3 times, migraines that won't quit after medication, back pain, now the craziest sore throat I've ever had and I've had laryngitis before.

The worst part is my doc told me to lose 25 pounds 3 months ago. I've gained 4. *whine time* I hate working out at home, except for yoga and I'm much more productive at the gym. Blah blah blah.

I hate being sick though because I have no control over it. I can't control the pain, the coughs, the fever any of it. Can't control any of it and that's where my problem lies.

That's just physically. Mentally I've been all over the place. The problem with being so close to your team mates and team is that when you're not able to back them up, when you're not able to be there then you feel guilty. I hate feeling anything much less guilt. I have no choice though, when I'm sick.

Another trip to the doctor today and another sick day logged plus blood tests on Sunday. Feels awesome. *cries*

Posts from the new BB

I love watching old movies. Movies anywhere from 10 - 60 years ago always get me. I feel more connected to them. There's a message in there but I'm too tired to figure it out.

I watched 'Love Jones' for the first time today. I liked it. I can see it's appeal especially at the time when it first premiered. Lord the men were fine as hell in it too. What I got most from it was that these people were adults having adult relationships. Leading complex, complicated and fucked up lives.

They make mistakes and often don't learn shit from it. They had conversations. Movies really lack conversations. People talk at people in movies not to them. There's usually no back and forth. Just one monologue and single word responses. I miss that a lot in my real life too.

I loved the hesitation and the fear. I really liked the movie but the story is what you make of it. The movie just is just that and people may not get anything from it. You learn your lessons from what resonates with you I guess.

I'm 25, still very young and I'm looking forward to 26. I'm 25 and I'd like to have a conversation.

Delicioso!

Look at that. Seriously look at every muscle, the lips, the eyes, the dick prints! *swoon* In order of their appearance we have Eric, Eduardo, AJ, David and Le Trung Cuong… *licks screen* All these beautiful specimen can be found at Queerty’s Morning Goods section or just click their names to go directly to their page. Today is a good day.

Guess what’s back?!

It's been ages since I did a Queerty Knows Best or a Weh Yuh Mean? segment on this blog. I know, I know what a travesty. I mean who hasn't been feeling a lack of gossip and hot men in their lives? The void is huge and is about to be filled. YES LORD!! Let's do a little gossip first then masturb…uhhhh peruse the deliciousness later.

·         If you know me you'll know what I'm starting with right? Who else but Vybz Kartel and his new reality dating show "Teacha's Pet". Weh Yuh Mean? The Teacher himself has a new reality show coming to local televisions near you and me where he has 20 local and international girls living in one house vying for his affection. Weh Yuh Mean?  I've had many hilarious discussions with friends and acquaintances about how much I am really anticipating this train wreck of a show*. This show can be no good but as is the theme of reality shows both here and abroad the worst it is the best entertainment it is.

·         Beenie and D'Angel. *sigh* *deep sigh* Now these two have been in and out of the press before during and it seems after their failed attempt at matrimony. Weh Yuh Mean? Beenie Man is the people's champion, Jamaicans love them some Beenie Man. To me Beenie has always been the most drama filled artiste, most of which he generates himself. I think he believes that this is how he stays relevant. I have no respect for LA Lewis but Beenie and LA are on the same boat with regards to generating foolish drama. I would find this situation hilarious if I did not find it so fucking tragic. D'Angel showing up to Bounty Killer's, her ex-boyfriend who would disrespect and beat the crap out of her, birthday mixer rather her husband's is very telling of what she holds as most important. Weh Yuh Mean?  Drama, Drama, Drama by a bunch of queens. Kinda over it.

·         This year's season of Digicel's Rising Stars has been tres disappointing. Weh Yuh Mean? The crop of contestants this year, save a few, has been pretty bad. Only in the last few weeks have the few talented performers been stepping up and giving more than sub-par performances. My pick for winner this year is Latty J. I like her stage presence, her style and her sound. She doesn't overdo it but she gives 100% to her performance and makes each song her own.

·         There has been a new crop of very well produced local TV shows lately. Weh Yuh Mean? Very surprised at how well edited, well-rehearsed and well produced they are and gives me hope for shows in the future. Namely Guinness Sounds of Greatness and In the Dance, I find that I don't roll my eyes as much when I watch them and actually enjoy the programming.

·         My tune of the moment is  "Street Hustle" by Specialist (Magnum Kings and Queens runner up) I can't get the repetitive chorus out of my head and who nuh love banana chips?

*I'm always the first person to say how much I love to see Jamaicans on TV,  on one hand yes I love to see my countrymen getting the spotlight but on the other hand it's usually a barrel of laughs seeing Jamaicans on TV making up words and speaking in accents for countries that have yet to be discovered.

Check next post for some Queerty Knows Best. *bites lip*

Post from the new BB

I'm not thinking about you* and your bullshit so...

What I am thinking about is why I'm sipping cranberry juice and wine trying to drown myself and not think about why I'm so scared to go there with this new dude.

TMI time. Last time I had a first with someone it came to an abrupt halt. His hand was touching me everywhere and when he finally reaches down for what I'm thinking is my jay** his hand just hits belly. That's fine I mean I have a belly a big one so *shrugs* it's expected. What totally got me out of the mood was him continuing down my body and still hitting belly.

Like I wanted to laugh out loud. It was so fucking funny to me. Totally broke the mood for me and though he persisted and persisted and I was like dude this aint happening. In that hilarious moment I became crazily self-conscious. All I could think about was the fact that he and his baby arms couldn't find my jay.

HAHAHAHA!!! As I write that and the wine's finally kicking in I'm laughing my ass off again but in all seriousness I don't want that to happen with this one. I like this dude and I haven't had a first anything with him. We've kissed a few times and that's been great but I find myself staring at his gorgeous face thinking 'this won't end well'

In the heat of the moments we have had he's told me he likes my boobs...a lot. Well who doesn't really? But along with those magnificent treasure chests comes never ending belly (apparently), back rolls, thunderstorm thighs and fat arms. A body I happen to appreciate and like but I don't know how he'll react.

I have no qualms about kicking dudes to the curb who can't handle this but I really like this one and even though all signs point to him liking it there's still this niggling doubt in the back of my mind that's screaming to me that he'll never find my jay.

*you - the bullshit creator
**Jay - as in Va-Jay-jay

I damn near lost two of my friends over the last few months. One we just grew apart. Grew very differently. Sure I could've been a better friend. She damn sure could've been a better friend to me. We just grew apart and we're still friends, I still love and want the best for her but for right now it's not happening and I'm working on it. Working on being there without being there but it's hard. So difficult. Especially when I lost the other one. I completely lost her.

She isn't there any more at all. Gone from my life. My friends are my family. She's my sister and it's almost like she's dead. I feel her loss. I hurt. She hurt me without looking back. That's the hardest to accept. I was there no pretense and who I was seeing, who I connected with was a fucking joke. Playing tricks on me like I'm some pawn. A joke to her I wonder. My sister. My sister tore my heart out and just left. There is no us there.

So I'm sitting here drinking half a bottle of wine crying and swaying not sure what this day turned into. I spent the day thinking 'God today is great' I feel lost right now. No idea where or who to turn to. Trying to figure out why I'm crying. Trying to figure out how to feel better about my life, about me. Trying to come to terms with yet another loss of family. Another limb torn off. My sisters. How foolish of me to think, back then, that we'd be forever family.

Once more I'm left trying to figure out why my family finds it so easy to leave me. To be without me. Am I so expendable? Am I so terrible? I'm trying so hard just to be. I'm trying so hard just to be. I'm trying so hard just to be. I'm trying so hard just to be. I'm trying so hard just to be. I'm trying so hard just to be. I'm trying so hard just to be. I'm trying so hard just to be. I'm trying so hard just to be. I'm trying so hard just to be. I'm trying so hard just to be. I'm trying so hard just to be. I'm trying so hard just to be. I'm trying so hard just to be. I'm trying so hard just to be.I'm trying so hard just to be.I'm trying so hard just to be.I'm trying so hard just to be.I'm trying so hard just to be.I'm trying so hard just to be.I'm trying so hard just to be.I'm trying so hard just to be.I'm trying so hard just to be.I'm trying so hard just to be.I'm trying so hard just to be.