There've been times in my life when I've seen someone and wanted to go up to them invite them out and actually return their calls if they do call. I never do though. I'm always disappointed in myself and always leave the situation feeling unhappy. I do have to tendency to be the shrinking violet but that is the persona that fits me and feels good for me. I am not the one who will be shouting across the room, or being the center of attention. I'm never that person and I don't want to be that person. I just want to be able to approach someone without fear of being belittled or coming away feeling less than myself. I don't really have a fear of rejection, that comes with the territory of putting yourself out there but I fear people making fun of me, chewing up and spitting in my face. I've had too much of that happen already.
It really all boils down to being rejected though doesn't it? So reading above you can see I'm wrong. I don't want for someone else to tell me I'm not wanted. I don't want them to reject me because I think I've felt so much rejection already. I don't want to die but I feel like I'm struggling to live... I've heard that somewhere before can't remember where but right now its really a true reflection of where my life is. Antwone Fisher's got me fucked up.
P.P. - I was not in a good place when I wrote this. In my heart I feel like there is so much to live for but sometimes I feel like I'm in the middle of the ocean treading water by myself. 'Why continue?' I ask myself buyt then theres an answer 'Because land is just ahead, gotta keep your head up...even though the road is hard don't give up' and I continue. As we should all continue. I continue.