I've written posts over the past few months but have not been able to post because I don't have a computer and this site's blocked at work (where I regularly do my comp work). Since things are unblocked I'll be posting some stuff I've written.
The truth is that I do not want to have a relationship because as I’ve said previously I can’t handle another person in my life right now; I’m all ‘emotioned’ out. That’s the truth. It’s not the whole truth though. The other truth is that I want to be in a relationship. I get it. I’m contradictory and puzzling.
Spent a few hours with Eanehj this past Sunday, getting upset, being placated, being chauffeured, people watching, ice-cream eating, laughing, reminiscing, and living. It was fun and I tried really hard to live in that moment. Suppressed my innate and often overwhelming fear of the unknown, fear of the ‘what next’s. Left feeling as usual like there’s something missing from my life. I hate not knowing what that is. I’m trying to figure out what’s missing, maybe its companionship, or maybe it’s my purpose in my life. I don’t know I’m making this up as I go I have no one to guide me or go through it with me. No rudimentary map I can use. My momma is too old and from another era and my mother and father….I don’t know who they are and so I’m just trying to figure it out all by myself.
It’s been interesting and terrifying all at once.
I am someone who lives in her head. Both reality and imagination collide and I’m always calculating several scenarios of what may happen through a decision I make now. I do this so much that I forget to live in the now and I’m left dissatisfied with how I tried to control the moment and just let it pass me by. I’m always there, always living within that world of choices, always neglecting to live.
I’m still wondering who I am, constantly struggling to discover who is this bitch? One part of who we are is defined by those around us. Who do they think we are? I’ve been described as kind, nice, funny and smart. A few others have been thrown around but these are the four that fit into my own self description. I’m also mean, spoilt, selfish, manipulative, sensitive, friendly, introverted, reserved and unsociable. A little good with the bad but this doesn’t wholly define me. There’s no one who can truly define themselves, we’re far too complex for that but we can provide a very concise description of who we’ve come to know as ourselves.
If I live to be 100 years old I’ll have regret. The one thing I’ve never wanted in my life. I never want to regret but there are so many situations and decisions I’ve over thought and failed with the choices I’ve made. So many times I’ve fourth guessed myself and made a bad decision. I’m not an impulsive person and there were times I wish I were, mostly I just wish I had discovered more in my life. Been the woman my destiny denoted.