I have a problem

I'm not a dainty girl. I'm a big strong girl who makes mistakes and fucks up and isn't afraid to say 'fuck up'. I'm far from dainty but I find myself blushing when I get a text. And smiling for no reason.

My latest interest is asian. Of chinese descent he said proudly. He's 6' 1" and thin. His smile is crazy beautiful and he kisses like it's the end of the world. He thinks my dimple is adorable and that my sarcasm is hilarious.
He shares my HP love (see previous post) and doesn't laugh when I say something stupid.

He curses along with me and makes fun of my Immac girl accent. He thinks my shyness is endearing and likes to hang back and people watch in corners with me. He squeezes my ass when we kiss and says I taste like chocolate truffles.

He knows it's been a while and hasn't pressured me into having sex. He calls me on my bullshit and tells me to stop the fuckery... I guess you see where I'm going with this.
I have a problem.

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows

I wore witch earrings as a brooch. This is how serious my love for this franchise is. Some people dress as characters, some buy wands and dress robes and owls and every marketable tool they could find to show their allegiance.

I wore my witch earrings as a brooch and lady bugs in my ears and I cried when Harry was in the forest. Like a baby. Because I remember reading the words and dying inside as Harry walked to his death. Not knowing he would live on. So brave.

And I cried when Snape met his end. 'Always.' Oh Snape. So tragic. And I felt for Tom Riddle in all his madness and his ruthless endeavor to live forever, to never feel, to live without love and companionship. Without feeling like you were wanted in this world. I know that feeling well. I felt for Tom Riddle.

Oh JKR, you made an adolescent experience so rife with confusion and self doubt so bearable. Beyond so. Made it more so. Taught us to value those things which ground us. Friends and family. People who would be there 'until the end'. Of course I cried. Of course I'd feel that it was more than a movie. It was the end of an era for me. Maybe in 15 years when I'm reading them to my children I will relive every moment as if they were new. I will read about the boy who lived and I will live again.

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I'm trying to understand where you're coming from and where my animosity towards you is coming from. Don't get me wrong there will never come a time when I don't love you but there are a few instances I find I don't like your fucked up attitude.

I am trying to be as open as I can because like me you don't take criticism well. You don't want any mirror on you until you are ready to see it. One of the reasons I barely say shit to you anymore because you'll take it as an insult. So I take potshots instead. Those you understand, those you value, those you can embrace and process.

It feels like the tides have shifted so crazily. My depression had me using you as my source of everything. I was so dependent and damaged. I needed a crutch, needed someone to keep me sane and alive. You were there for me when the tides were roughest. You may not know it but countless times you saved me from ending it. Just by being yourself. Being this amazing person who was there with no pretenses and no judgments.

I wonder if she's the real you or is this the real you? I don't like this stranger bitch. But I could use her again. What do you require of me? To stay in the background? I can do that, couldn't then but I can now. I don't know my position in your life anymore and once where this would cause me to hyperventilate I find I'm just wondering what you need of me to help you breathe.

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So my homie says she doesn't feel attractive. What?! All my friends are beautiful, beyond gorgeous. This is what I've always thought and I'm not alone in thinking that. For years I considered myself the 'ugly' friend and doubted my place among them because they were so beautiful.

They aren't just beautiful outside either but they are total sweethearts (most times) inside too. I find it amazing that she would say this. I never knew this was an issue for her because her confidence has always been something I envied. Battling with confidence issues I would seek to emulate her, try to gain her secret and through her especially I found my own confidence. Through her support and praise I've grown considerably.

Everyone has doubts about some aspect of themselves and mostly it's an internal battle that may take years to win, it's a marathon that will undoubtedly see you fall but as long as you get back up you will eventually have the strength to finish. Sometimes it's a never ending battle but where you are in that race determines how fast you shake it off and get back up.

It's weird that I'm essentially giving advice about self acceptance because I haven't won my own war but there are so many battles that I have won with myself that maybe someone who isn't as far in their journey may get something. A few years ago I was a mess. A fucking mess. A serious fucking mess. Life, I discovered, is just the most amazing thing we're given and we only have one shot so if I fuck it up I have nothing left. So I keep getting back up after every fall, after every ripple of self doubt, I just keep getting back up.

So to my homie*, bitch I love you to death, you're beautiful beyond words and you're amazingly smart and witty and funny and kind. Don't ever doubt that and if you do just give me a call or Ping me and I'll spend an hour telling you how stupid you are for thinking anything else.

I love you ese.

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The message of not being a mistake, of my life being worthy of me being worthy is the biggest lesson I'll take from Oprah's show. So as I sit here crying and thinking about this message, about the clarity I feel as she says this, drills it into me and so many other persons who like me have never felt it, who have lived their lives thinking that they were the biggest mistake ever made. It's the best lesson anyone could teach me.

I'm going to share this in a space where I feel safe. When I was younger maybe 6 or 7 my Mom had to work one Saturday and dint feel safe leaving me at home on my own so she left me for a few hours with her brother's wife and kids. There were 4 or 5 of us a mix of boys and girls, some in their teens, all older than me at the time.

They told me they wanted to play a game, wanting to fit in I said yes. They never told me what the game was at first and I was the last to go. They went into a room and locked the door so I couldn't see. At the time I felt apprehensive, I told them I didn't want to play this game but after telling me that everyone else went I decided to do it.

In the room they told me to lay on the bed face down, so I did. I don't know which one and I can't remember how many but I remember them laying on my back and grinding their bodies onto mine. I remember laying there thinking 'This doesn't feel right, this isn't fun.' So after a few what felt like hours but were really only minutes I think they wanted to take it further. That's when I put my foot down and said they can do whatever but I'm not playing anymore.

I left them and spent the rest of the time there by myself, thinking and not thinking. Just waiting for my Mom to come get me. I don't know what they did with each other, I never asked and I didn't care. The next time my Mom had to work on a Saturday, I told her I didn't want to stay there, she asked me why. I didn't have a reason I just said I didn't. I mean I was 6 what was I going to say. It was only just recently that I even came to terms with the fact that I was abused. she never let me stay there again.

Just sharing this is the first step. I know it could be a lot worse and I thank God everyday that I had the sense at the time to stop whatever it may have escalated into. This is a lesson I must learn from, I must remember that it wasn't my fault. I did nothing to encourage their behavior and my stopping them shows how strong and smart I really am and have been.

I wish I had said something at the time. I hope it never happened to anyone else, I hope that my silence didn't hurt anyone else. I'm speaking out now though. I'm silent no more.

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I wrote about feeling sexy the other day. Feeling sexy in your own skin, loving yourself and everything else would fall in to place. I truly believe this.

You certainly don't need anyone to validate your feelings about yourself or any living thing. Your thoughts opinions and judgments are your own and should stay that way.

Today I felt really good about myself. I went to work in my skinny jeans and a tunic that I love. I felt it and my confidence was high and I was strutting. I thought I looked great.

I understand the rules of attraction, not everyone you're attracted to is going to be attracted to you. I understand this. Sometimes I wonder though, I feel good about me. I'm happy with me, I like being single (contrary to what I may have written in a moment of weakness) I like who I am and where I am. I am realistic though and never stagnant so there are things I want to achieve, things I'd still like to achieve but for now I'm good.

Why do I feel like I'm the only one noticing this?

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I don't know what skinny feels like and I'm not certain I want to. I've always been fat and bigger than most I meet and though I have my issues with my weight, my size has always been comforting and comfortable.

I feel strong and grounded. I like to feel my weight, know my impact. I have nothing against anyone who wishes to be thin or is naturally so, to each his own and I would never judge another persons decisions or judgments.

I like to feel the roundness of my hips and arms and I smile and give them a rub because I love them and they're a part what makes me but the aren't my entirety. So many pieces to this puzzle my body isn't even the half.

Being fat is a powerful statement for me. I'm taller and bigger than most and I feel like an amazing amazonian goddess and whoever can't accept that well that isn't my problem.

I can't see myself skinny and truly I don't know if I want to, I am fat and it's a part of my identity and I revel in it. I don't hide from it and I don't let it define me.

I can't say I'll never lose weight maybe I will maybe I won't but I'll always be fat. Fat and happy with it.

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There is nothing like discovering that you are in fact a grown up. Or at least your friends are grown ups and you're watching them change and become adults with responsibilities. Sure I have a job and I have my own responsibilities but I'm not maintaining a steady seemingly long-term relationship nor am I awaiting the birth of a child. All things my closest friends are currently undertaking.

It's an odd experience. I'm tryin to envision what life will look like in a year. Will there be a wedding? Will there be another baby? New jobs? New homes? I'll be the first to admit I don't share much of my life with my friends any more and vice versa. I don't know really what's happening in their lives right now. We've grown, not apart, but up. It's not the most important to share every detail of each moment of our lives. I kinda miss that closeness we once had.

Growing up forces you to come to the realization that your friends also have other friends. This used to be a scary concept for me because me and my abandonment issues used to think that them finding new friends meant that I'd be out of the picture. I've since learnt to accept this as just another part of the journey and I've found new friends too.

I still miss us though, I miss laughing out loud and sharing similar realities. Time changes everything. So at 25 I sit here waiting to welcome the newest member of our group. Baby Junes will be here soon enough and even more grown up things are to come. Wondering if I'm really ready...ready as I'll ever be I guess.

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I've never been thin. In fact I've always been the fattest and tallest almost in all of my classes from basic school all the way up to high school.

Notion that fat girls are uninhibited, desperate, pathetic and depressed has never been my reality. I have fat friends who are beautiful, confident and amazing. I can't say I've ever felt this, I've never felt beautiful and I'm not overly confident, but living in their reality allowed me to see that it does exist.

Eventually though I realized that wanting to be someone else was cheating me of a life so I accepted that I would never be beautiful and I've accepted that I am just who I am.

I have only recently discovered the size acceptance community and recently accepted that you can be healthy at any size. Whether society likes it or not as long as you're healthy and happy that's all that matters.

I once held the notion that if only I weighed 160 lbs then people would like me, if only I were pretty then my parents would never have abandoned me and I would have a boyfriend and I would be happy. It's been a few years since I've totally divested of that foolishness. I can't make people feel anything. I can't make someone love me and whether I'm 268 lbs or 90 lbs they're going to do and be whatever. I cannot control that and I should have never tried.

Take me or leave it doesn't matter to me. I take me forever and ever.

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So I'm planning a trip to San Francisco to see Adele in June I called my friend up to ask if she'd be interested in going. I knew she'd say no. I wouldn't have to ask about that. This once though I kinda wish she'd given it more than the one second it took her to say no.

I always say that. I never confront her about it though because I have to respect her space, her decisions and that her journey isn't mine. It's hard though, journeying alone. So I'm sitting here wondering if these tears are real emotion or just what I think I should be feeling. And It don't matter cuz she doesn't read my blog anyway.

Sometimes it hurts instead...

I can't get this song out of my mind. This is 'Someone like you' by Adele off her new album "21". Watch her perform it at the 2011 BRIT awards below or click here here.

It's a beautiful song beautifully done by the is amazing talent. I'm not in love or anything but I'm feeling this somewhere deep inside.

Read more for the lyrics and video.

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I'm not looking for you to kiss my ass but I'm also not looking for you to be completely indifferent to the shit I do. I support you but i'm no sycophant and the fact that you only told me your opinion after I expressed something similar pisses me off.

I'm a creative person, there's a lot of things I want to do, places I'd want to go but I tried thinking of one friend who'd be willing to be in a crazy photo shoot for me on a beach or in an old house or in the bushes...ok fine it sounds crazy but I've got some really good ideas but there's no one who'd be willing to participate.

I'm planning a really big trip for April of 2012. A trip to Europe. I can't be deterred and I know I can't force anyone to go with me because I am well aware of how expensive it's going to be. My friends have basically backed out and I totally understand...at least I'm trying to understand. The selfish bitch in me is screaming that no one does the shit I want to do. The good bitch in me though is fine with it because it's not a part of their journey.

It's a big part of my journey though. I took a look at my bucket list and have realized that at 25 I haven't done any of those things. I'm scared to complete them by myself but my friends are journeying on a different path and it's time for me to man up and grow some balls as my homie Axela would say. I have to live and that means with or without them. It's so hard.

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Being sexy isn't necessarily an art one has to learn. If you've got a significant other they already think you're sexy. That's not to say you can't keep it lively in the bedroom, kitchen, laundry room, car...etc. If you don't have a SO you can still be sexy without even trying too hard.

My sexy is in my heels, the higher the better, and a pair of shorts or a little dress and I'm swaying to a really good song. I swish those hips and move to that beat. I get lost in that dance and it's been known to cause quite a stir...My sexy is me feeling sexy to myself and loving it. My crush's sexy was his smile. It didn't show up often but when it does, damn...it's panty dropping time.

I hate that the term 'sexy' has an image of some big tittied white girl with nought but a string in her ass. Sexy is about sensuality and a positive body image no matter what size or shape you are. Sexy is in the way you walk and talk and smell and listen and dream and believe. It's all those things and it's intimacy and happiness and love.
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So what do I do?

I had a friend from work ask her friend if she thought she used men only for sex. I chuckled a bit because well I had been contemplating the same for a little while. Sure I already tried to have a friends with benefits arrangement that just exploded in my face when I realized I didn’t want to be having sex with someone who could call out someone else’s name during coitus without fear of repercussion. That isn’t me. It’s not the life I want for myself. I tried I really did and it was fun for a time, but once that orgasm faded all that’s left is someone you’re not attached to, someone who may or may not be thinking about checking Keisha and Dawn later and tomorrow.

I turn into an asshole when I’m in a relationship though. Like I become a simpering mess. At least that’s how I felt the last time I was in one. When I mentioned this to an ex he told me how far from the truth I really was.

“You guard your feelings like the best soldier I’ve ever seen. Hard to get close to, hard to know what you’re really thinking or feeling. Felt alone a lot of the time.”

Damn.

I don’t think I’m that way with my friends. I tend to smother them… In my head though I’m thinking “Don’t be a burden, don’t get too close, don’t make them see too many feelings because they’ll take advantage. Don’t get hurt.” Just the riches I carry with me from my feelings of abandonment from my parents. You know the normal shit. The shit I’m trying to be better than. Trying and failing it seems.

I thought we were going well up until those last 2 months or so and I had all intentions of using that relationship as a foundation to make the next one better. Now I don’t know. I can’t have a FWB kind of thing because it just doesn’t work for me. I can’t do real relationships either apparently because I have no feelings. Ok fine I have feelings but they’re the size of the Grinch’s heart before he met Cindy Lou.  So what do I do?

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My homie is pregnant. She's gonna have a baby this year and honestly the first thought that ran through my mind was 'I'm not ready.' No need reminding me that I'm not the one pregnant. No need to remind me that I won't have any major responsibility when it comes to this baby. The first and only thing that comes to mind nowadays is about me.

How am I going to handle it? How will this affect my life? Should I avoid this/be a part of that? I'm so self absorbed, I've closed myself up in a box that just cannot be opened...at least until baby sweetness came into my hemisphere. It's not my baby but I feel some responsibility, not much but some. The baby's already my favorite person, how is that possible for someone not yet born and in someone else's uterus?

Honestly I'm not ready for a baby and I think 24 is young but that's for me, my homie can handle it and I support the choices she's made. She'll be a great Mom and I can't wait to be Aunty Tsag.
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Let's have a toast...

Oh well for the morose I’m doing a Weh Yu Mean? post today because it’s looooong over due. As a side note never compromise who you are for someone else. It’s a lesson some of us only need one lesson in and others need an entire semester. You are amazing, remember that. I will definitely try to. If this works I’ll do a Queerty Knows Best later if not I’ll find something else to post.

Weh Yu Mean?

• If you know me at all then you know EXACTLY where I’m headed first.  Addijah ‘Vybz Kartel’ Palmer. I…When….I don’t even know where to start. What possible chemical allows a man to turn from onyx to citrine cannot be healthy for you? Weh Yu Mean? The man Sammy Sosa the ting and then had the AUDACITY to sing a hook saying ‘Cool like me wash me face wit the cake soap…’ Now tell me… Along with being more than surprised by his sudden pigment change I was also shocked at the initial response of his peers, fans and non-fans alike. There was no response. No one said a thing. Sure Kiprich tried, I repeat tried, to respond with a song that I refuse to look up the name for but his efforts failed when people started asking ‘What is a Kiprich?’
• It seems the initial shock must have worn off though as members of the dancehall community are now poking their heads out of the ground to utter hilarious, contemptuous and disgusted comments about his pigment change. Weh Yu Mean? Bounty Killer spewed his few…Did you see that ER interview a few weeks ago? Baby Cham kept silent about it but Bounty as his moniker suggests was bountiful with the comments, quips and remarks. Bounty the interviewee is PRICELESS. Aidonia has also given his $0.02 which seems to be less about the bleaching and more about…well who cares? Over the past few weeks Kartel has been responding to both overt and whispered comments 9can you believe he was on RAGA? Ummm….) Of course Kartel has responded he loves the sound of his own voice. The interviews have been AMAZING!
• I heard Sting flopped. Weh Yu Mean? I didn’t go so no skin off my back. I heard that both Beenie man and Sizzla showed up, as usual, and gave really good performances. I cannot name one ’new’ artist right now giving as amazing stage performances as those that have been in the business for years.
• I-Octane had one of the best years in 2010 and he’s one artiste I find will most likely stand the test of time. Weh Yu Mean? He had hit after hit and closed the year with a big endorsement deal from Digicel… he was headliner at a few  shows and he’s not stupid, he’s a conscious artiste but still fun and he’s not arrogant. That’s kinda what we’re looking for in our entertainment. At least I am.
• Why can’t I stop singing ’My unni bunch, my unni bunch…’ Weh Yu Mean? Vybz Kartel’s Christmas ‘carol’ ‘Like Chrtistmas’ feat Sheba was one of the better things to come out of 2010. Hilarious, unintentionally so of course, always unintentionally.
• Where is Busy Signal? Why is Mr. Lexx trying to revive a currently non-existent career? Why the Christmas/New Year so boring? Will Buju address his stint in the slammer at his hotly anticipated return to the stage in Miami? Are Beenie and D’Angel still together? Weh Yu Mean?
  

  It felt great writing another Weh Yu Mean? after so long. Look out for new updates.

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Curious…very curious. As I speak with my homie Axela about my friends not meeting my last boyfriend, I realize I never met any of his friends either. In fact we didn’t do much for a while there. He lived out of town mostly and though I’d visit most times we did nothing more than stay locked up in his house for days. Sure one could argue that because he was so far away spending as much time as possible with each other was uppermost  in our minds. This can explain the times he lived out of town but what of those times he lived within Kingston? 

We were together for a few years and during my college years he lived down the street from my university. Thinking on it now I guess I kinda knew he was hiding me and our relationship and I went along with it because he was there and he wanted me and I was happy. I loved him and I thought he loved me. In the end I just knew that our infidelities were not the only reason for our break up. I was just blaming us ending on the fact that trust was lost, but hey we never really had trust to begin with. He was hiding me and our relationship. Sure I met his Mom and some of his family and they were nice I guess I used that as the crutch to dispel my suspicions but I knew. I knew and I let him have his way because he was there and I was happy and I felt like someone wanted me. Wow. I am so disappointed in myself. So angry at myself because I thought I was stronger than that, thought I was a stronger person and in some ways I am now but this just shows how flawed I still am. 

I was just repressing these feelings, hoping to save myself the heartache. You can’t run or hide from your problems I should have figured that out by now. Now I am wondering if I should confront him about it? We’re still friends, whatever that means. Should I? Or should I let him and this fucked up relationship go and move on in the direction that I want my life to go. I don’t want someone who’s going to be afraid to be seen with me or afraid to have his friends know thata we’re together because I’m better than that and better than him. Using this opportunity to better myself not as a means to get depressed, that alone shows growth. I am glad.

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It's a new year and other than some birds and fish dying and being broadcasted over every fucking news channel that ever existed, it feels the same. I'm happy to announce that I didn't bring my crush into this year. It was nice while it lasted but it ended as it should. It felt great to have a crush again. Allowed me to feel as young as I am. Allowed me to re-visit all those feelings I used to have.

Tired of lonely saturday nights. Last night was prolly the most boring I've had in a while, nothing to watch, nothing to do and no one to talk to. All my friends have significant others, well if not all most. I don't nor do I really want that. I'm happy being single right now, I truly am. It's just a bore though when there's nothing to do.

Sex is secondary. If I needed or wanted sex I could get it anytime but I'm over casual sex. No matter how many fantasies I may or may not have, casual sex holds no appeal for me anymore. And since I have no current intentions to be in any relationships I'm pretty much celibate for 2011. Celibacy is in right?
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I wrote the previous post a few weeks ago and decided I might as well post it. Ah well...kinda hot right?

So it's a new year! Happy new year! I'm as happy as I can be, happier than most, healthier than most. I have to be thankful for that.

Be happy, be great and be blessed.

Live, Love, Laugh.
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It's the swoon. That sigh when you see them after an absence or when they smile, laugh, speak, move, cough...I know you know what I mean. It's their smell and walk and general carriage that make you swoon.

They make you light headed and sway because it overwhelms you. Takes you by surprise. That swoon you're just not ready for it. That involuntary reaction to the person you're really feeling.

I'm crushing really hard right now. Crushing mighty hard and uncertain how to continue, how to transition from crush to potential suitor. Uncertain if I should even make the attempt. Thinking I should count my winnings and let this infatuation play itself out. I've pretty much reconciled with the fact that it really will never happen. Seeing him everyday though throws a wrench in the plans to murder the crush. I also made the, I realize now, misguided decision to tell my friends. They won't let it drop so I can't let it drop.

Oh the swoon. It takes me over when I see dude smile and laugh and generally be himself. Wish I didn't have these feelings, makes things so complicated. One sided love affairs suck.