I think about all the sacrifices I've made and I feel like it's never enough. Feeling like I haven't bled enough to earn any respect and feeling like no one respects me or my talents weighs heavily on my brain.
I hate my job. Not the company just the job. 5 years of my life. I'm grateful for the life it's afforded me, grateful for the opportunities and benefits I've received but I'm so mentally past this position it's ridiculous. I pretend everyday to give a fuck about the problems, the process, the bullshit. Every day of my life is pretend. The say's I'm allowed to escape I spend at home where I'm so mentally incapacitated that I never leave my house because I feel safe here.
My anxieties have developed anxieties of their own and I have no clue how to escape. I think about quitting my job all the time. I've applied for so many different positions in the company and have been turned down so often that I started applying for the impossible shit just to get a laugh. I'm a fucking asset to these people but to them I'm merely a pawn and I'm praying for the day I can leave and finally be free.
I've always harped on the fact that to step out of your comfort zone you must be brave AND prepared. I've failed myself because I'm not at all prepared to exit. I'm so scared to lose this job and so scared to keep it at the same damn time.