Allow Me to Introduce Myself...

I know for certain that what I wish for myself is greater than ill probably achieve but I can't help hoping. There are some times when life gets overwhelming and all I want to do is lay down and let it take over,let it run whatever course it wants to. Then I snap myself out of that and start dreaming the dreams I began to have when I realised that I could know more and be more than my economic status denoted. My mother is the greatest person I know because she never made me give up on myself. She knew there was so much more that I could achieve and she never gave up on that for me. I will love her forever for that shit because that instilled in me a belief system that cannot be shaken. There are many things my mom and I don't agree on but I thank God for her everyday because I finally understand what people mean when they say that someone made them who they are. She may not have carried me but she made me.

Perusing The Sartorialist for a few hours. I can't get over these outfits. If I be proactive I'm certain I could be and do more than merely exist. Right now I wear what I have, I don't try to do much with my outfits I just war what's convenient but I know I can spruce up my wardrobe, be more proactive in how I dress. I mean come on I have no fucking excuse. I refuse to conform but I'm certain that my own niche is there somewhere. It doesn't have to be expensive either. I'm a bigger girl and I find it hard to find clothes that not only fit but come in colors other than black, white and tan. I don't wish to look like a sausage but I can definitely do something more. I'm not big on the fashions that currently exist either so I'll have to try to go for timeless in my selections.

Though it's not my taste I've always found my friends to have amazing instincts when it comes to fashion. Axela can really create a great outfit that looks amazing on her tall figure. Eanehj as a bigger girl herself really can put an outfit together to highlight her greatest assets, from work to parties it's always perfect for her. Irrek-Nna always looks great to me, love her outfits, I like her taste in clothes which I think is kinda similar to my own. Arteip has a great fashion sense, I love that her quirkiness shows so strongly in her taste so her clothes have a little quirk and fit her really well. Akimat has some great clothes and shops merely by instinct for her it's perfect and it always works. I love that Assenav takes risks with her outfits not just with style but with color as well, wish I were as brave.

I really dont know much about fashion for that I leave it to @JhayOC and @dwaynefighter (check out his blog Don't Call me a Fashionista, you'll spend hours) but I know what I love and as usual I'm inspired so look out for...Trespasser Se7en.

Title Pic...

Engendrer et L'enfant

A few days ago I was sitting in a taxi contemplating what would be my next picture for my 365 twitpic project* when I look to my right and see this tall, brown, young Rasta man, very cute and he's standing alone holding these 2 babies. The youngest was months old maybe 5 or 6 and in a carrier latched to his body and the oldest he's holding in his arms, looked over a year maybe 2 years old. He's standing at the bus stop and it was so unexpected that I sat frozen in the taxi.. It was such a great picture. I wanted to capture it with my camera but could only take a snapshot in my mind instead. Its still there so beautiful and so profound. It was life and it was amazing.

Title Pic (gorgeous right?) -

Photo Credit

*I have been taking at least 1 picture a day and posting it to my twitpic page. I hope to go one year as a record of my entire year. I think it will be fun.

I Start...

'if we bottled love, it would be like peace and war in the same bottle, a cure for all diseases and the greatest biological weapon at the same time...'

I love that quote...It's such a perfect depiction of love. KP my friend wrote that in the comments of my last post. (LOVE HER!) It's so fitting. Love is so complex, so disastrous, so amazing. She asks if I'm really ready...I don't even know. The first thing I thought was 'YES! I'm more than ready!' but I'm uncertain. I'm ready for honest love, love that doesn't want to strangle you with sweetness I'm ready for it to be real. No sugar coating.


I watched (500) Days of Summer (review below) and one quote jumped out at me. The leads' friend is talking about his girlfriend he's had for years and he says something along the lines of his dream girl has bigger boobs and so on but his girlfriend is better than a dream she's real. That was the best quote of the entire movie. I didn't really feel much in the movie but I certainly felt that when he said it. I thought 'That's exactly what I want' I have no misconceptions about the people I will love and who will love me, I'll love who they are because they are real...they are...


I realize I haven't done a Weh Yu Mean? in ages so I'll just round up the goss I can and let loose, I'm also gonna do a Movies I Saw Last Week and throw in a !!Hot Guy of this Day!!... Here we GO!


So Weh Yu Mean?

• Busy, Busy, Busy...Paternity tests? Photocopying cheques for tabloid newspapers? This is where your life has gone? Weh Yu Mean? Men can't keep their dicks in their pants and women keep popping out babies like the world isn't spiralling out of control. Handle your business Busy just handle it...Do these entertainers have publicists? If not it's definitely needed.
• This Gully/Gaza foolishness has gone too far now. Since when did we turn into Israel and Palestine? How the fuck you attack someone for their opinions on music? Music? Weh Yu Mean? This shit is being thrown around in schools and that's the saddest thing ever. How can we be progressive when we fuck up our kids?
• Congrats to Tami Chynn and Wayne Marshall on tying the knot. Weh Yu Mean? The wedding looked beautiful and I'm happy they're happy.

I know very weak but my usual source for all things suss-ery seemed to have dried up (AKA the links aren't working) Oh well on to Movies I Saw Last Week.

(500) Days of Summer - Movie left me feeling pleasant, like a slight Christmas breeze, its a little sweet and refreshing but a little cold. I enjoyed it but wasn't bowled over not stating this is a bad thing just pleasant though. I was kinda able to go through it half a step ahead of the plot. Joseph Gordon-Levitt gave a performance I didn't really expect. Candid and emotional and based in reality. Pretty good. Zooey Deschanel was sweet and I identified with her character most. I liked the movie but it doesn't grab you I wasn't left wanting more I was left feeling pleasant which is better than most. I tried to love it but left merely liking it and kinda not wanting to see it again though I completely understand and feel it's appeal. 7.75/10

Madea Goes to Jail - I wish I could skip over this and say I didn't voluntarily watch it but I can't so I won't. I'm so tired of the Tyler Perry movies, so tired and yet I continue to watch and I have absolutely no cause to. The plot was all over the place and the acting was cringe worthy, if it wasn't over the top it was completely under par. The title of the movie is Madea goes to jail which she does in the last 15 minutes of the movie. What happened during the other parts of the movie you ask? I have no idea I was pretty much looking but not seeing, hearing but not listening during the entire thing. I laughed not once. Oh Tyler, Tyler Tyler... 3/10

Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist - I think Ive watched this movie at least 10 times now. I love it. I watch it over and over again because there is always a nugget of gold that I missed before. I practically know the dialogue word for word. Michael Cera is made for these quirky awkward I'm shy but confident roles. I loved it and him, Kat Dennigs was such a surprise Ive never heard of her before now so i had no expectations (for once) but she was very sweet very endearing perfect match for Cera's seemingly unchanging character. A little convoluted and the awkwardness of the characters can be a little challenging to follow but it works in the end. 9/10

Cadillac Records - There is no real standout character of the film. I loved the film for opening my eyes to a myriad of stars from the 40's, 50's and 60's stars I would have never known of otherwise. I was happy that it made me want to learn more about these people. The movie itself was slow to start and some of the actor;'s characterizations rather than being transformative were very distracting. If there was one person who did shine it was Columbus Short (featured !!Hot Guy of the Day!!) usually in movies he plays the hunky but dumb brother but I felt something from his character this time around. He pulled me in. I liked that the movie was about the people and not necessarily about the time but I would have loved some more inclusion of what the times were like then and the response the artistes received. 5/10

Sex Drive - The movie's abut a guy who goes on a trip to visit some girl he's been talking to online and all the things that transpire on that ride. It was not at all funny, the actors were...young and not very compelling. I cannot find one positive thing about this movie. From that I'm certain you can infer what my rating would be I refuse to put one.

!!Hot Guy of The Day!! is Jason Momoa (born Joseph Jason Namakaeha Momoa) hot guy of this day August 1, 1979.

Jason - j(a)-son\ is pronounced JAY-sun [Greek] means - healer. Mythology: the hero who led the Argonauts in search of the Golden Fleece

Joseph - j(o)-se-ph\ is pronounced JOH-sef [Hebrew] means - God Will Increase, May Jehovah add/give increase.

When my friend got married a few years ago I attended her wedding and as I sat in the pews watching her recite her vows looking up on the man she loves, her other half (he's her match perfectly) I teared up, something I never do over sappy moments. This was so much more real than anything I'd ever seen on TV and it was a thousand times better. Everytime I convince myself that I've never seen/experienced the real thing I remember that moment and the look of sheer happiness on her face as she said 'I do'. The wedding/marriage path has never crossed my mind as something I would consider for myself but I love seeing other people get married.. I love weddings because in that moment when vows are said in most cases love is so present that everyone around feels it.

I had intended to start this post with my night out with Akimat but I was reading the coverage of Tami Chynn and Wayne Marshall's wedding and it just magnified the feelings going through me after my night out. So Akimat's 5 feet 8 inches of uptown pretty, cute shoes and chic outfits. I am 5 feet 8 inches...that's about where our physical similarities end. We're friends because we're exceptionally similar in the way we think and our personalities work well together and when we go out I try never to compare myself to her because we are so different physically. I try to hold my own confidence I can't and don't want to be her so ill be the greatest person I can be.

Rambling aside we're out at club Bore* and we're sitting down looking around grooving a little and I look across the room and there's a group of guys standing facing us. At first. I don't really pay too much attention because as Akimat said quite fittingly it was a 'sausage fest', there were alot of guys so I couldn't really differentiate one guy from the next. I do eventually notice them though because one of them was just staring at us non stop. So I do the girl thing do a little shake and throw a surreptitious glance now and then to see if he's watching. I do that a few times and realize he's definitely staring. I realize that he's moved from the wall and walking towards us and immediately all sorts of butterflies let loose throughout my entire body not just my stomach. He's moving closer and closer and closer and...well you get the picture. I'm poised and ready to hear what he whispers and my body's tingling. He reaches us, leans over, and starts talking...to Akimat.

Yeah. I can't even describe what I felt. I was deflated. I beat myself up all the time about not using men to validate me because they definitely don't...at least not all the time. Last night though I felt like I really needed someone to say 'hey you look nice, you smell great...blah blah blah yakkity schmakkity'...the night went even further downhill from there...it just got me thinking about loving someone, being with someone I love and having them love me back. I am so ready, so ready.

You Know What...?

People try their damnedest to get the better of me but what I think they don't know or realize is that I'm not a pussy.

I don't adhere to pussy behavior and refuse to back down from actual pussies.

I WARN do.not.fuck.with.me.

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I always get the question of why I don't go to church, I hate admitting it but I evade the question. I don't believe in church, I'm happy for those who have found spritual completeness in church but that's not what my experience is.

People worship in different ways and this is my chosen way. I worship God with just him and me. No one else needs to be involved. I will not knock the church experience but its for me, I don't know if this will change about me, I often think I'm looking for that place where I can worship with like minded folks but haven't found that yet and so I feel complete by myself and don't wish to join the church experience.

I love God but I'm no saint and those who pretend to be are funny to me but I refuse to take shit from anyone so any bible thumping bigots can step the fuck back.

I am who I am and choose to be no one else.

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I am uncertain when the day came that I began to think of they as entities separate from me.

Listening to Sinead O'Connor 'Nothing Compares to You' and this type of emotion puzzles me,I'm not certain what it feels like and I crave it. I want to revel in it, this emotion that makes you feel the vibrations from these people. I stand aside and observe, I don't know what it feels like.

I've had relationships end badly, I recall some of those feelings but to me it always seems like people emote 100% more than I do. What I felt appeared to be only a snow cap to their icebergs.

I've felt anger but not rage, infatuation but not love, lust but not passion. The extreme of the emotion still eludes me and so I stand back, a curious observer wondering these feelings are, how can they be described or measured?

In a previous post I spoke about finding that grand passion, the soul tearing wish I'd never met you can't live without shit that make people go crazy. How does that happen? How do you get to that point? I can't see past that threshold much less to push past it. Maybe I just haven't met that person yet. I'm passionate about other things in my life but I feel like not being completely free with my emotions holds me back.

My will is too strong. I'm afraid of myself as that person, free of my imposed norms. I'm scared of what she might look like once she's out.

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We Have. By tsagrednerp

He had me
This is truthful,
From his first stare,
To his tentative touch,
He had me
Before hello,
Before we met
Before time and the universe's dimensions

Through Earth's many lives,
The desert of space
It's his eyes
All in his eyes.
This transendental knowing
This knowing is beauty
This knowing is God's message

I have him
Inside and out
I have his truth
And in that I hold his soul
We are more
And together we have...
We have...

For Humans Only

I recommend you go see 'District 9', here's my review from when I saw it on Tuesday.

Allusions, metaphors, similes... all evident in the movie.one of the better adaptations certainly, the point is rammed down your throat as disgustingly as possible. Truly I did not want and will admit I didn't watch the terribly gross parts, I couldn't. My stomach and dreams are just not strong enough. Very nice characterization from the lead, he was featured during almost the entire film and you felt like you went through it with him. The connection you felt with him definitely increases the feeling of disgust, you feel as if you are there going through it with him. I didn't wanna watch but I desperately needed to know what happens next and this so where the movie shines.

Almost a surprise a minute and at the beginning it seemingly lags for at least 30 minutes before moving at breakneck speed. Unnecessary yet helpful the scenes of 'back story' at the beginning. I get it's important to our understanding of the plot but do we really need so much of it? Other than this the movie shines as a reflection on... wait can't give it away.Personally it makes me want to learn more about it. Its not just a film about aliens and humans. So do not go expecting great battles between good and greater. Its a very believable film, very true to life.

Documentary aspect is great, editing is outstanding, cinematography was pretty good (Joburg, especially slums, usually portrayed dreary and bleak in films and though this is shown there's a clarity to the picture that emphasizes more so than the dreary). The aliens looked believable and there was seamless integration of real and unreal. Some may not like it, it really socks it to you and some may argue that its portrayal of blacks was negative but that’s not what I saw AT ALL. As @dwaynefighter said it’s a thinker’s movie, it’s a challenge and you may be up for it or you may not but do not go expecting to merely skim the surface and enjoy it, you will be disappointed.

This is been a very nice movie summer, a few more to go and of course there'll be reviews.

Title Pic -

Photo credit - http://io9.com/5194949/district-9-debuts-first-alien+abuse-footage

G.I. JOE = G.I. NO!

Akimat and I haven't seen each other in some time, she's usually my go to gal for going out cause she's always up for it and we always have a good time. So we decide let's go to the movies and we decide to see "G.I Joe". I have never really seen an episode of the cartoon. I'm familiar with some of the names but mostly have no idea who anyone is. I actually thought there was a G.I. named Joe so...

The movie is 118 minutes long and truly there are maybe 2 scenes in which I didn't roll my eyes and were some what entertaining. One of the worst films I've ever seen. No joke. Channing Tatum was as flat as a pancake and I love me some Marlon Wayans but sweet minty Jesus where did his comedic timing go? Sienna Miller? The plot? The fucking dialogue? There were 1000 things wrong and as I said only 2 scenes were good enough to warrant a positive reaction from me. I understand and appreciate the use of animation within the film I mean it's based on a cartoon you're trying to keep that feel. Everything else was a big FAIL WHALE. Sexism is ripe and rampant but that doesn't seem to be any different than most other movies nowadays. I cant believe how bad it was. If there were a saving grace it would be Joseph Gordon-Levitt...not because of his performance but I have a HUGE crush. I would recommend you see it yourself to make your own judgement but you can't say I didn't warn you. For a supposed action film it was boring too. Weird right?

I also watched "Shaun of the Dead" last week for the first time (commercial filled and censored) but beggars cant be choosers.

Have I not said how much I love Simon Pegg and Nick Frost? They're a hilarious comedic duo. Love them. The movie was filled with so much goodness. From the zombies to Bill Nighy to Pegg's character unshaking need to go to the pub, all the way to the end where Frost's character is seen in the garden shed zombified but playing a video game. It was so very good and not just funny but entertaining and surprisingly emotional. Pegg played the role beautifully (tailor made for him) I believed his emotional displays from regret, sadness, horror and in his funniest moments just above hilarious. So well made. The camera angles, the script. so great. On my list for top zombie movies.

Going to see "District 9" tonight with Arteip should be good. You can be certain there will be reviews. Live, Love, Laugh!

Today's title pic -

Photo credit - http://hotcelebs.today.com/2009/07/14/

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After the fuckery today I just cannot stand anymore bullshit in life. I'm the person to always respect people's opinions, I'm the person who truly believes in everyone's right to an opinion. I may not agree but I would never judge an opinion as wrong...

Until today. I give respect when I get it, but there are people who will never respect other opinions because they are singleminded, selfish, hate mongering assholes. I refuse to be apart of that, I refuse to treat people like second class citizens. And for what? For what? Because they're gay? Are you serious? Our world is in turmoil and we're divided because of sexual orientation, religion and race. It's disgusting. It's disgusting what we as a people have become.

We were great once, we walked upright, developed opposable thumbs, created so many things with this brain of ours and this same brain is being degraded by matters that should never matter.

I don't have to be G,L,B or T to be apart of the community, I am there to support and help people who are treated like shit for no reason other than God told me it's wrong...really? God told you that? My God told me to love and treat every man,woman and child as I wish to be loved and treated.

I pray one day you will realize your error and begin to put your efforts into ensuring that babies don't starve to death and wars never get started. That's where I'll be and I'll be waiting for you. I'm by no means perfect but I like to think I know right from wrong...it's wrong, as easy as that, no need for dissertations. It is wrong. Why can't you see that?

Fell asleep doing a post a few days ago. Wrote it but didn't save it...Shame on me. Well today's review day as you should know after yesterday's Saturday premieres. Nothing good on Starz, HBO or Cinemax but Showtime came through with 'Lars and the Real Girl' starring Ryan Gosling.

Easily one of the most emotional movies ever, I never thought I'd get so invested. I believed it would be awkward and clumsy but it was truthful, reflective and sweet. I can admit I cried and it surprised me so because in recent years there haven't been many movies I've actually shed tears for but this moved me so unexpectedly. The performances were so true to life and convincing Gosling worked it so well, from the lack of eye contact to his just off normal ticks and movements to his hushed speech. Beautifully portrayed. The story is brought to life well but the story was worth it. Very well written, nicely shot and edited. Very good movie.

As I didn't do a review after last week's premieres I'll do one now of The Mummy: Dragon Empire now.

I was genuinely surprised that I enjoyed this movie. I thought it would be truly horrible but it was quite tolerable. Replacing Rachel Weisz with Maria Bello felt disingenuous and a little weird. She tried way to hard with that English accent and the love scenes between her and Brendan Fraser were awesomely cringe worthy but I still enjoyed it. I didn't laugh and certainly didn't cry, its not a movie for great emotional experiences but it was a very pleasant experience overall. The CGI stuff was done very well and the look of the movie was very becoming of the time, though I do miss the old glamor look of the first movie...as with most trilogies/series the first is usually the best and this is definitely the case here but it didn't suck as much as I anticipated and I would gladly watch it again.

I'm living and loving right now as you should...I have a Weh Yu Mean? segment coming up soon so watch out. Live, Love, Laugh!

I AM Scared of Stickshift and Fried Food and Beers

As I noted in the previous post I went to get my learner's permit (awesomely easy and fairly fast...SHOCKED!) and signed up for my first few driving lessons. Now I would have been happy and excited about my first time behind the wheel IF I had not waited 2 and a half hours just to get my time with the instructor. There were alot of people ahead of me, lack of vehicles and vehicle breakdowns....all contributed to the wait, but I was still happy to begin learning about gears and the clutch *sigh*... To facilitate my lessons, I will have to put my gym membership renewal on hold *cries softly* I can't afford both right now and so I will have to forgo one to facilitate the other.

This was not an easy decision at all. I have lost some weight and look forward to losing more but it will be hard without the gym equipment but it CAN be done and I intend to continue with it. I've decided to lessen my calorie intake even more, I'm giving up fried foods, red meat and rice *cries softly* It will be more than hard but I've always believed I'm a strong person...I mean I must be strong to endure half the shit I have so I hope I'll be strong enough for myself to continue.

Appleton Temptation Isle. The Emancipation weekend (August 1) is the weekend where (mostly) young persons celebrate freedom and independence by going to Negril on this weekend and committing all sorts of depraved acts....OK fine, it's not that bad.

young people + non stop flowing alcohol - inhibitions/sleep + hotel rooms - parents = ????

As you can see this is an interesting way to spend a weekend in which you are supposed to be celebrating and reflecting on the end of slavery. I will not be hypocritical though, I have been as the moniker implies tempted to go and frolic and be young and drunk and free but I've never gone and when my friends asked me to go I've chalked it up to my being broke (as usual) but that's not the whole truth, I just think it's an overall waste so I just never went and I never regretted that decision. The weekend is here again and at the ripe old age of 23 I'm not even tempted to go this year...*shrugs* I have made a promise to go at least once so who knows maybe next year?

photo credits - Watever.com

So since yesterday coming off my Harry Potter high few things have happened...

1. Weighed myself realized I gained a few lbs back...But I don't trust that scale so I guess this is not too much of a problem.
   
2. Just received information that they've been overpaying me the last few months and that I'm going to get a pay cut...Yeah! Total fuckery. Which now means I'll have to work more hours and overtime to keep myself solvent. PERFECT!

Well... Since I'm on hiatus from everything but my job I guess no. 2 is doable, but I don't have to like it. I was feeling really energized this morning coming to work and was thinking that I would increase my hours on my own anyway so this is just a reinforcer, so fine things aren't as bad as they seem but I just feel awful.

I'll be getting my learner's permit today and doing my first official driving lesson. I'm 23 but there's never been a real need for me to learn except to have a national ID i can use but I'm also hoping and saving for a car so...here I go. It's great and shitty growing up. There's just no other way else to describe it. It's great and shitty all at the same time.

I've decided that nothing soothes an aggravated mind like some half naked man flesh so I'll be racing the page with one of my all time faves....Queerty Knows Best.

Pablo

Ramel

Patrick

Peter

Feel free to enjoy more of these hunky men by clicking on their pictures and even more gloriously fabulous bodies on Queerty and their Morning Goods section.

I'm out for the day, happy that I'm leaving work early even happier I have a day off tomorrow.

Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince

After waiting more than a week for it to premiere in Jamaica I finally went to see it...Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince. The book was one of my faves in the series and I ended up loving the movie. Below is a review I did at intermissin and after the movie ended.

Brilliant to look at, the acting is refreshing, acting like teenagers(irrational, clumsy, emotional) but also the hint of danger and mystery is palpable, what happens next is on your mind, this book explored more than Harry and the movie took that cue and that makes it amazing. Draco, What?! What?! Compelling, dare I say riveting? Played beautifully by Felton. Surprise performance of the movie. Follows the book nicely I mean what more can you ask for?

Leave your expectations, this is not an action film, this is pure suspense and anguish rolled into one big ball of tears. I cried when 'Severus, Please...' Jumped from the pages and into my mind. I think the first of the six that displays how compelling the story is, setting the stage for how absolutely flawed the characters are. This is no mere children's story, its THE fairytale that children remember and adults continue to hold reverent.

I can certainly see why it can be called dry humping all that work and no nut busted and if ur seeing the movie without reading the book u'll be a little lost and may not appreciate the story 'I mean its Harry fucking Potter right? Where's the magic...'But its there weaved seamlessly into this amazing tale of loss and grief and courage, strength of convictions and wills.

My only bone of contention is always for every movie the scenes they so obviously delete (horribly edited) I don't buy the DVDs at least not yet and I really want to see all those scenes when I'm in the theater. Its going to be torture waiting for 7A and 7B. I think I will expire before they roll around. It will simply be awesomesauce (c) ONTD

Title Pic -

P.S. Below is what I wore to the movie...I've been waiting forever to have an excuse to wear them...I'll be wearing them at all the other movies.

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If I didn't write I don't know who I'd be I would be lost without it, without this blog. I've found, over the past few days that I am as I always have been. The same shy and alone person I was eleven years ago when I had no friends and spent my lunch in the library hoping no one would notice me. Who have I been the past eleven years you may ask? I realized a few months ago someone I don't know and worse yet don't like. I realized too that this was not just a reflection of me but also a reflection of those around me and I wondered if I was the only to have realized it. I guess its like that scene from body snatchers where the girl gets up and from the cocoon only to look around and see other persons were still cocooned. I just woke up.

The catalyst is unimportant but the results have been interesting. Previous post I spoke about opening the door on the new me and wondering what will be waiting...the door is currently ajar and right now the space is empty. It scares me and it was scary when I made that realization but I've survived years without support and I can move on to the better me without someone there but I can do it and I will.

P.S. Had a great time at the movies with Arteip and will review Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince tomorrow.

P.P.S. I loved it.

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The most unpredictable thing you can come across is not the weather, its people. What they'll do and say as individuals or as a group has so many variables its impossible to predict. What I've learnt though is there are some patterns and if you read them well you can attempt to create a map. But what I've found is that its much easier to just let the chips fall where they may.

I am angry but you'd be surprised at what it is that I am angry about. I'm angry about the state of our world. Truly. I'm angry at how we've become and who we've become. Our society deteriorates and we calmly sit by and watch it happen. Myself included. I'm angry at people who are ignorant in their views and who choose to stay that way. I want to help as many people as I can to realize their dream, and be happy. I just want to be happy too.

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One of the hardest things you can do in your life is challenge the roles you've built and what others have built for and about you. I am one of the most laid back people you'll meet but of course that's merely a facade, I'm observing and analysing everything I'm just not verbal about it.

I talk about my friends a lot because that's currently the only relationship I have right now outside of my family and I've formed an attachment to it that in the past has not been the most beneficial to me or my development. This is mostly due to my bottomfeeder self esteem and what I think about myself. I don't think I deserve much so this is what I project and what I get reflected back at me from other persons.

it's who I was and in some ways who I still am but I've moved myself so far from that person that the roles I was assigned way back when we became friends just don't fit who I am now. There's a clash and so in order to avoid conflict I decided to it cold turkey remove myself from that situation completely so that possibly they'll realize the changes and either take them or leave them.

Right now I think they're leaving them and about a year ago I would have been upset about it and just go back to being that person but it's not been half as hard as I thought it would. That's a little scary. If I don't have them who do I have and by extension who the hell am I? Its an eye opening and nerve racking experience and I fear losing them but I feel like I never even had a chance to find myself so there seems to be a price to pay for everything. I don't know if they'll understand, I'm not sure if I could fully explain it so we continue to be at a standstill on friend telling another that ikm prolly just being my regular depressed bitch self not realizing or caring how hurtful that shit is, and ill continue hoping that the best me develops from this I won't think about whoever is standing beyond that reveal whether everyone or no one.

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Ok maybe I was a little hard on the Twilight series and certainly I'm not sayin the book doesn't have merit, I mean the fact that the twi-hards are truly that crazy is a very revealing testimony. All I'm saying is that it's not as good as the Harry Potter series and Ms. Meyer tried to get her heathen Anne Rice for juniors on but it was a failed attempt. I'm just anticipating the end of it all, the movies, the possibility of a new book,just finish so these overweight hockey moms can go back to ignoring their kids and losing their husbands to religion, the drink or the secretary Jolene...I'm just saying.

BE REAL!

Let's be clear I am all for books, I'm the biggest fan of books I know, truly and I applaud any book that motivates people to read. Let us also be clear that the Twilight franchise is no bigger nor better than any of the LJ Smith series. Nor by any means shape or form is it even close to being able to touch the Harry Potter franchise. The books are drivel. Complete and utter mediocrity...No wait not even close to mediocre. I've decided I'm going to try to complete reading the books but everytime I start I get a puzzled expression on my face and a feeling of nausea in my gut. It's really bad. Other than a stupid love story between a vampire, wolf and human what other themes can be found throughout the books? Please let me know, I'm very interested to find out.

Let's cut the bullshit the Harry Potter books are light years ahead of many 'children's books. I would seriously consider adding year 3 and 5 to any school curriculum. It doesn't deal with sparkling motherfuckers sailing through woods or knocked up bitches trying to decide between bestiality and necrophilia. It's more than a fight between good and evil and it shows more than wands, potions and spells. It's one of the most realistic and relatable books I've ever read. No I have not, as many people have, blurred the lines between reality and fantasy, the book is complete fiction but there is more heart and emotion and human connection in every single book than in anything Stephanie Meyer has ever written. Stop the madness people step back from your sad existence and for one second be real with yourselves.