Posts from the new BB

I love watching old movies. Movies anywhere from 10 - 60 years ago always get me. I feel more connected to them. There's a message in there but I'm too tired to figure it out.

I watched 'Love Jones' for the first time today. I liked it. I can see it's appeal especially at the time when it first premiered. Lord the men were fine as hell in it too. What I got most from it was that these people were adults having adult relationships. Leading complex, complicated and fucked up lives.

They make mistakes and often don't learn shit from it. They had conversations. Movies really lack conversations. People talk at people in movies not to them. There's usually no back and forth. Just one monologue and single word responses. I miss that a lot in my real life too.

I loved the hesitation and the fear. I really liked the movie but the story is what you make of it. The movie just is just that and people may not get anything from it. You learn your lessons from what resonates with you I guess.

I'm 25, still very young and I'm looking forward to 26. I'm 25 and I'd like to have a conversation.

Delicioso!

Look at that. Seriously look at every muscle, the lips, the eyes, the dick prints! *swoon* In order of their appearance we have Eric, Eduardo, AJ, David and Le Trung Cuong… *licks screen* All these beautiful specimen can be found at Queerty’s Morning Goods section or just click their names to go directly to their page. Today is a good day.

Guess what’s back?!

It's been ages since I did a Queerty Knows Best or a Weh Yuh Mean? segment on this blog. I know, I know what a travesty. I mean who hasn't been feeling a lack of gossip and hot men in their lives? The void is huge and is about to be filled. YES LORD!! Let's do a little gossip first then masturb…uhhhh peruse the deliciousness later.

·         If you know me you'll know what I'm starting with right? Who else but Vybz Kartel and his new reality dating show "Teacha's Pet". Weh Yuh Mean? The Teacher himself has a new reality show coming to local televisions near you and me where he has 20 local and international girls living in one house vying for his affection. Weh Yuh Mean?  I've had many hilarious discussions with friends and acquaintances about how much I am really anticipating this train wreck of a show*. This show can be no good but as is the theme of reality shows both here and abroad the worst it is the best entertainment it is.

·         Beenie and D'Angel. *sigh* *deep sigh* Now these two have been in and out of the press before during and it seems after their failed attempt at matrimony. Weh Yuh Mean? Beenie Man is the people's champion, Jamaicans love them some Beenie Man. To me Beenie has always been the most drama filled artiste, most of which he generates himself. I think he believes that this is how he stays relevant. I have no respect for LA Lewis but Beenie and LA are on the same boat with regards to generating foolish drama. I would find this situation hilarious if I did not find it so fucking tragic. D'Angel showing up to Bounty Killer's, her ex-boyfriend who would disrespect and beat the crap out of her, birthday mixer rather her husband's is very telling of what she holds as most important. Weh Yuh Mean?  Drama, Drama, Drama by a bunch of queens. Kinda over it.

·         This year's season of Digicel's Rising Stars has been tres disappointing. Weh Yuh Mean? The crop of contestants this year, save a few, has been pretty bad. Only in the last few weeks have the few talented performers been stepping up and giving more than sub-par performances. My pick for winner this year is Latty J. I like her stage presence, her style and her sound. She doesn't overdo it but she gives 100% to her performance and makes each song her own.

·         There has been a new crop of very well produced local TV shows lately. Weh Yuh Mean? Very surprised at how well edited, well-rehearsed and well produced they are and gives me hope for shows in the future. Namely Guinness Sounds of Greatness and In the Dance, I find that I don't roll my eyes as much when I watch them and actually enjoy the programming.

·         My tune of the moment is  "Street Hustle" by Specialist (Magnum Kings and Queens runner up) I can't get the repetitive chorus out of my head and who nuh love banana chips?

*I'm always the first person to say how much I love to see Jamaicans on TV,  on one hand yes I love to see my countrymen getting the spotlight but on the other hand it's usually a barrel of laughs seeing Jamaicans on TV making up words and speaking in accents for countries that have yet to be discovered.

Check next post for some Queerty Knows Best. *bites lip*

Post from the new BB

I'm not thinking about you* and your bullshit so...

What I am thinking about is why I'm sipping cranberry juice and wine trying to drown myself and not think about why I'm so scared to go there with this new dude.

TMI time. Last time I had a first with someone it came to an abrupt halt. His hand was touching me everywhere and when he finally reaches down for what I'm thinking is my jay** his hand just hits belly. That's fine I mean I have a belly a big one so *shrugs* it's expected. What totally got me out of the mood was him continuing down my body and still hitting belly.

Like I wanted to laugh out loud. It was so fucking funny to me. Totally broke the mood for me and though he persisted and persisted and I was like dude this aint happening. In that hilarious moment I became crazily self-conscious. All I could think about was the fact that he and his baby arms couldn't find my jay.

HAHAHAHA!!! As I write that and the wine's finally kicking in I'm laughing my ass off again but in all seriousness I don't want that to happen with this one. I like this dude and I haven't had a first anything with him. We've kissed a few times and that's been great but I find myself staring at his gorgeous face thinking 'this won't end well'

In the heat of the moments we have had he's told me he likes my boobs...a lot. Well who doesn't really? But along with those magnificent treasure chests comes never ending belly (apparently), back rolls, thunderstorm thighs and fat arms. A body I happen to appreciate and like but I don't know how he'll react.

I have no qualms about kicking dudes to the curb who can't handle this but I really like this one and even though all signs point to him liking it there's still this niggling doubt in the back of my mind that's screaming to me that he'll never find my jay.

*you - the bullshit creator
**Jay - as in Va-Jay-jay

I damn near lost two of my friends over the last few months. One we just grew apart. Grew very differently. Sure I could've been a better friend. She damn sure could've been a better friend to me. We just grew apart and we're still friends, I still love and want the best for her but for right now it's not happening and I'm working on it. Working on being there without being there but it's hard. So difficult. Especially when I lost the other one. I completely lost her.

She isn't there any more at all. Gone from my life. My friends are my family. She's my sister and it's almost like she's dead. I feel her loss. I hurt. She hurt me without looking back. That's the hardest to accept. I was there no pretense and who I was seeing, who I connected with was a fucking joke. Playing tricks on me like I'm some pawn. A joke to her I wonder. My sister. My sister tore my heart out and just left. There is no us there.

So I'm sitting here drinking half a bottle of wine crying and swaying not sure what this day turned into. I spent the day thinking 'God today is great' I feel lost right now. No idea where or who to turn to. Trying to figure out why I'm crying. Trying to figure out how to feel better about my life, about me. Trying to come to terms with yet another loss of family. Another limb torn off. My sisters. How foolish of me to think, back then, that we'd be forever family.

Once more I'm left trying to figure out why my family finds it so easy to leave me. To be without me. Am I so expendable? Am I so terrible? I'm trying so hard just to be. I'm trying so hard just to be. I'm trying so hard just to be. I'm trying so hard just to be. I'm trying so hard just to be. I'm trying so hard just to be. I'm trying so hard just to be. I'm trying so hard just to be. I'm trying so hard just to be. I'm trying so hard just to be. I'm trying so hard just to be. I'm trying so hard just to be. I'm trying so hard just to be. I'm trying so hard just to be. I'm trying so hard just to be.I'm trying so hard just to be.I'm trying so hard just to be.I'm trying so hard just to be.I'm trying so hard just to be.I'm trying so hard just to be.I'm trying so hard just to be.I'm trying so hard just to be.I'm trying so hard just to be.I'm trying so hard just to be.I'm trying so hard just to be.

Posts from the new BB

Say what you will but relationships at 22 are not the same relationships at 30. Here's the thing when you're looking for commitment at that age you're looking for stability that I doubt you'll find. The older you are the better you are at being in a relationship.

Call me a cynical bitch if you must but the relationships I want now are based on me having lots of fun being with this person and having amazing sex. I'm not about to start fantasizing about children and marriage. Are you kidding? I want to be with someone because it's fun to have them around. Fun to be around them, we can fulfill those goals we have now which is to enjoy our 20s with as much gusto as possible.

Carpe diem isn't just about bungee jumping and skydiving. It's about living your best life at that time in your life. Seize that day don't waste it trying to make marriage happen at 22 or babies happen at 25. Fuck those responsibilities for now and stop, stop prophetizing seeing yourself married to some dude you met 8 months ago. It may happen, sure, life is unpredictable but when you're 29 the likelihood of this being the girl or dude you'll be with is slim. Slim to none.

Shit happens and falling so completely can only hurt you and make you more weary when you're older. But then again maybe I'm just a cynical bitch.

I have a problem

I'm not a dainty girl. I'm a big strong girl who makes mistakes and fucks up and isn't afraid to say 'fuck up'. I'm far from dainty but I find myself blushing when I get a text. And smiling for no reason.

My latest interest is asian. Of chinese descent he said proudly. He's 6' 1" and thin. His smile is crazy beautiful and he kisses like it's the end of the world. He thinks my dimple is adorable and that my sarcasm is hilarious.
He shares my HP love (see previous post) and doesn't laugh when I say something stupid.

He curses along with me and makes fun of my Immac girl accent. He thinks my shyness is endearing and likes to hang back and people watch in corners with me. He squeezes my ass when we kiss and says I taste like chocolate truffles.

He knows it's been a while and hasn't pressured me into having sex. He calls me on my bullshit and tells me to stop the fuckery... I guess you see where I'm going with this.
I have a problem.

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows

I wore witch earrings as a brooch. This is how serious my love for this franchise is. Some people dress as characters, some buy wands and dress robes and owls and every marketable tool they could find to show their allegiance.

I wore my witch earrings as a brooch and lady bugs in my ears and I cried when Harry was in the forest. Like a baby. Because I remember reading the words and dying inside as Harry walked to his death. Not knowing he would live on. So brave.

And I cried when Snape met his end. 'Always.' Oh Snape. So tragic. And I felt for Tom Riddle in all his madness and his ruthless endeavor to live forever, to never feel, to live without love and companionship. Without feeling like you were wanted in this world. I know that feeling well. I felt for Tom Riddle.

Oh JKR, you made an adolescent experience so rife with confusion and self doubt so bearable. Beyond so. Made it more so. Taught us to value those things which ground us. Friends and family. People who would be there 'until the end'. Of course I cried. Of course I'd feel that it was more than a movie. It was the end of an era for me. Maybe in 15 years when I'm reading them to my children I will relive every moment as if they were new. I will read about the boy who lived and I will live again.

Posts from the new BB

I'm trying to understand where you're coming from and where my animosity towards you is coming from. Don't get me wrong there will never come a time when I don't love you but there are a few instances I find I don't like your fucked up attitude.

I am trying to be as open as I can because like me you don't take criticism well. You don't want any mirror on you until you are ready to see it. One of the reasons I barely say shit to you anymore because you'll take it as an insult. So I take potshots instead. Those you understand, those you value, those you can embrace and process.

It feels like the tides have shifted so crazily. My depression had me using you as my source of everything. I was so dependent and damaged. I needed a crutch, needed someone to keep me sane and alive. You were there for me when the tides were roughest. You may not know it but countless times you saved me from ending it. Just by being yourself. Being this amazing person who was there with no pretenses and no judgments.

I wonder if she's the real you or is this the real you? I don't like this stranger bitch. But I could use her again. What do you require of me? To stay in the background? I can do that, couldn't then but I can now. I don't know my position in your life anymore and once where this would cause me to hyperventilate I find I'm just wondering what you need of me to help you breathe.

Posts from the new BB

So my homie says she doesn't feel attractive. What?! All my friends are beautiful, beyond gorgeous. This is what I've always thought and I'm not alone in thinking that. For years I considered myself the 'ugly' friend and doubted my place among them because they were so beautiful.

They aren't just beautiful outside either but they are total sweethearts (most times) inside too. I find it amazing that she would say this. I never knew this was an issue for her because her confidence has always been something I envied. Battling with confidence issues I would seek to emulate her, try to gain her secret and through her especially I found my own confidence. Through her support and praise I've grown considerably.

Everyone has doubts about some aspect of themselves and mostly it's an internal battle that may take years to win, it's a marathon that will undoubtedly see you fall but as long as you get back up you will eventually have the strength to finish. Sometimes it's a never ending battle but where you are in that race determines how fast you shake it off and get back up.

It's weird that I'm essentially giving advice about self acceptance because I haven't won my own war but there are so many battles that I have won with myself that maybe someone who isn't as far in their journey may get something. A few years ago I was a mess. A fucking mess. A serious fucking mess. Life, I discovered, is just the most amazing thing we're given and we only have one shot so if I fuck it up I have nothing left. So I keep getting back up after every fall, after every ripple of self doubt, I just keep getting back up.

So to my homie*, bitch I love you to death, you're beautiful beyond words and you're amazingly smart and witty and funny and kind. Don't ever doubt that and if you do just give me a call or Ping me and I'll spend an hour telling you how stupid you are for thinking anything else.

I love you ese.

Post from the new BB

The message of not being a mistake, of my life being worthy of me being worthy is the biggest lesson I'll take from Oprah's show. So as I sit here crying and thinking about this message, about the clarity I feel as she says this, drills it into me and so many other persons who like me have never felt it, who have lived their lives thinking that they were the biggest mistake ever made. It's the best lesson anyone could teach me.

I'm going to share this in a space where I feel safe. When I was younger maybe 6 or 7 my Mom had to work one Saturday and dint feel safe leaving me at home on my own so she left me for a few hours with her brother's wife and kids. There were 4 or 5 of us a mix of boys and girls, some in their teens, all older than me at the time.

They told me they wanted to play a game, wanting to fit in I said yes. They never told me what the game was at first and I was the last to go. They went into a room and locked the door so I couldn't see. At the time I felt apprehensive, I told them I didn't want to play this game but after telling me that everyone else went I decided to do it.

In the room they told me to lay on the bed face down, so I did. I don't know which one and I can't remember how many but I remember them laying on my back and grinding their bodies onto mine. I remember laying there thinking 'This doesn't feel right, this isn't fun.' So after a few what felt like hours but were really only minutes I think they wanted to take it further. That's when I put my foot down and said they can do whatever but I'm not playing anymore.

I left them and spent the rest of the time there by myself, thinking and not thinking. Just waiting for my Mom to come get me. I don't know what they did with each other, I never asked and I didn't care. The next time my Mom had to work on a Saturday, I told her I didn't want to stay there, she asked me why. I didn't have a reason I just said I didn't. I mean I was 6 what was I going to say. It was only just recently that I even came to terms with the fact that I was abused. she never let me stay there again.

Just sharing this is the first step. I know it could be a lot worse and I thank God everyday that I had the sense at the time to stop whatever it may have escalated into. This is a lesson I must learn from, I must remember that it wasn't my fault. I did nothing to encourage their behavior and my stopping them shows how strong and smart I really am and have been.

I wish I had said something at the time. I hope it never happened to anyone else, I hope that my silence didn't hurt anyone else. I'm speaking out now though. I'm silent no more.

Posts from the new BB

I wrote about feeling sexy the other day. Feeling sexy in your own skin, loving yourself and everything else would fall in to place. I truly believe this.

You certainly don't need anyone to validate your feelings about yourself or any living thing. Your thoughts opinions and judgments are your own and should stay that way.

Today I felt really good about myself. I went to work in my skinny jeans and a tunic that I love. I felt it and my confidence was high and I was strutting. I thought I looked great.

I understand the rules of attraction, not everyone you're attracted to is going to be attracted to you. I understand this. Sometimes I wonder though, I feel good about me. I'm happy with me, I like being single (contrary to what I may have written in a moment of weakness) I like who I am and where I am. I am realistic though and never stagnant so there are things I want to achieve, things I'd still like to achieve but for now I'm good.

Why do I feel like I'm the only one noticing this?

Posts from the New BB

I don't know what skinny feels like and I'm not certain I want to. I've always been fat and bigger than most I meet and though I have my issues with my weight, my size has always been comforting and comfortable.

I feel strong and grounded. I like to feel my weight, know my impact. I have nothing against anyone who wishes to be thin or is naturally so, to each his own and I would never judge another persons decisions or judgments.

I like to feel the roundness of my hips and arms and I smile and give them a rub because I love them and they're a part what makes me but the aren't my entirety. So many pieces to this puzzle my body isn't even the half.

Being fat is a powerful statement for me. I'm taller and bigger than most and I feel like an amazing amazonian goddess and whoever can't accept that well that isn't my problem.

I can't see myself skinny and truly I don't know if I want to, I am fat and it's a part of my identity and I revel in it. I don't hide from it and I don't let it define me.

I can't say I'll never lose weight maybe I will maybe I won't but I'll always be fat. Fat and happy with it.

Posts from the New BB

There is nothing like discovering that you are in fact a grown up. Or at least your friends are grown ups and you're watching them change and become adults with responsibilities. Sure I have a job and I have my own responsibilities but I'm not maintaining a steady seemingly long-term relationship nor am I awaiting the birth of a child. All things my closest friends are currently undertaking.

It's an odd experience. I'm tryin to envision what life will look like in a year. Will there be a wedding? Will there be another baby? New jobs? New homes? I'll be the first to admit I don't share much of my life with my friends any more and vice versa. I don't know really what's happening in their lives right now. We've grown, not apart, but up. It's not the most important to share every detail of each moment of our lives. I kinda miss that closeness we once had.

Growing up forces you to come to the realization that your friends also have other friends. This used to be a scary concept for me because me and my abandonment issues used to think that them finding new friends meant that I'd be out of the picture. I've since learnt to accept this as just another part of the journey and I've found new friends too.

I still miss us though, I miss laughing out loud and sharing similar realities. Time changes everything. So at 25 I sit here waiting to welcome the newest member of our group. Baby Junes will be here soon enough and even more grown up things are to come. Wondering if I'm really ready...ready as I'll ever be I guess.

Posts from the New BB

I've never been thin. In fact I've always been the fattest and tallest almost in all of my classes from basic school all the way up to high school.

Notion that fat girls are uninhibited, desperate, pathetic and depressed has never been my reality. I have fat friends who are beautiful, confident and amazing. I can't say I've ever felt this, I've never felt beautiful and I'm not overly confident, but living in their reality allowed me to see that it does exist.

Eventually though I realized that wanting to be someone else was cheating me of a life so I accepted that I would never be beautiful and I've accepted that I am just who I am.

I have only recently discovered the size acceptance community and recently accepted that you can be healthy at any size. Whether society likes it or not as long as you're healthy and happy that's all that matters.

I once held the notion that if only I weighed 160 lbs then people would like me, if only I were pretty then my parents would never have abandoned me and I would have a boyfriend and I would be happy. It's been a few years since I've totally divested of that foolishness. I can't make people feel anything. I can't make someone love me and whether I'm 268 lbs or 90 lbs they're going to do and be whatever. I cannot control that and I should have never tried.

Take me or leave it doesn't matter to me. I take me forever and ever.

Posts from the New BB

So I'm planning a trip to San Francisco to see Adele in June I called my friend up to ask if she'd be interested in going. I knew she'd say no. I wouldn't have to ask about that. This once though I kinda wish she'd given it more than the one second it took her to say no.

I always say that. I never confront her about it though because I have to respect her space, her decisions and that her journey isn't mine. It's hard though, journeying alone. So I'm sitting here wondering if these tears are real emotion or just what I think I should be feeling. And It don't matter cuz she doesn't read my blog anyway.

Sometimes it hurts instead...

I can't get this song out of my mind. This is 'Someone like you' by Adele off her new album "21". Watch her perform it at the 2011 BRIT awards below or click here here.

It's a beautiful song beautifully done by the is amazing talent. I'm not in love or anything but I'm feeling this somewhere deep inside.

Read more for the lyrics and video.

Posts from the BB

I'm not looking for you to kiss my ass but I'm also not looking for you to be completely indifferent to the shit I do. I support you but i'm no sycophant and the fact that you only told me your opinion after I expressed something similar pisses me off.

I'm a creative person, there's a lot of things I want to do, places I'd want to go but I tried thinking of one friend who'd be willing to be in a crazy photo shoot for me on a beach or in an old house or in the bushes...ok fine it sounds crazy but I've got some really good ideas but there's no one who'd be willing to participate.

I'm planning a really big trip for April of 2012. A trip to Europe. I can't be deterred and I know I can't force anyone to go with me because I am well aware of how expensive it's going to be. My friends have basically backed out and I totally understand...at least I'm trying to understand. The selfish bitch in me is screaming that no one does the shit I want to do. The good bitch in me though is fine with it because it's not a part of their journey.

It's a big part of my journey though. I took a look at my bucket list and have realized that at 25 I haven't done any of those things. I'm scared to complete them by myself but my friends are journeying on a different path and it's time for me to man up and grow some balls as my homie Axela would say. I have to live and that means with or without them. It's so hard.

Posts from the new BB

Being sexy isn't necessarily an art one has to learn. If you've got a significant other they already think you're sexy. That's not to say you can't keep it lively in the bedroom, kitchen, laundry room, car...etc. If you don't have a SO you can still be sexy without even trying too hard.

My sexy is in my heels, the higher the better, and a pair of shorts or a little dress and I'm swaying to a really good song. I swish those hips and move to that beat. I get lost in that dance and it's been known to cause quite a stir...My sexy is me feeling sexy to myself and loving it. My crush's sexy was his smile. It didn't show up often but when it does, damn...it's panty dropping time.

I hate that the term 'sexy' has an image of some big tittied white girl with nought but a string in her ass. Sexy is about sensuality and a positive body image no matter what size or shape you are. Sexy is in the way you walk and talk and smell and listen and dream and believe. It's all those things and it's intimacy and happiness and love.
Sent from my BlackBerry® device from Digicel

So what do I do?

I had a friend from work ask her friend if she thought she used men only for sex. I chuckled a bit because well I had been contemplating the same for a little while. Sure I already tried to have a friends with benefits arrangement that just exploded in my face when I realized I didn’t want to be having sex with someone who could call out someone else’s name during coitus without fear of repercussion. That isn’t me. It’s not the life I want for myself. I tried I really did and it was fun for a time, but once that orgasm faded all that’s left is someone you’re not attached to, someone who may or may not be thinking about checking Keisha and Dawn later and tomorrow.

I turn into an asshole when I’m in a relationship though. Like I become a simpering mess. At least that’s how I felt the last time I was in one. When I mentioned this to an ex he told me how far from the truth I really was.

“You guard your feelings like the best soldier I’ve ever seen. Hard to get close to, hard to know what you’re really thinking or feeling. Felt alone a lot of the time.”

Damn.

I don’t think I’m that way with my friends. I tend to smother them… In my head though I’m thinking “Don’t be a burden, don’t get too close, don’t make them see too many feelings because they’ll take advantage. Don’t get hurt.” Just the riches I carry with me from my feelings of abandonment from my parents. You know the normal shit. The shit I’m trying to be better than. Trying and failing it seems.

I thought we were going well up until those last 2 months or so and I had all intentions of using that relationship as a foundation to make the next one better. Now I don’t know. I can’t have a FWB kind of thing because it just doesn’t work for me. I can’t do real relationships either apparently because I have no feelings. Ok fine I have feelings but they’re the size of the Grinch’s heart before he met Cindy Lou.  So what do I do?