Love/Hate!

I wrote the following about a year ago. I rememer writing it and feeling such desperation and anger. I wanted someone to love me. I was crying out. By the end of it I was feeling like I had finally given myself permission to love myself. It's weird I know but I started my distancing then, I tried to be alone as much as possible. I let myself be there for me and though I do step back into that old life once in a while it's never frequent, never much more than I can handle because I want to be there for my friends and family. What I've noticed though is that I've become a tad indifferent to alot of things. Emotions seem out of place for me. They don't seem like me anymore. I don't cry anymore at all, I feel deatched. I try to care but most times I just say fuck it and move on. This has someting to do with my JOB too because though I love my job I hate it too and this love/hate thing is slowly making me crazy. I don't wanna go crazy so I stay home as much as possible.

"I have a nasty habit of making myself seem less than I really am. I take the back burner which often suits me fine. I wear black when I go out because basically it's slimming and it fades into the background. I don't want to be in the forefront thats not my space and I have no problem with persons who feel it is their space. More power to you. This doesn't mean that I am a pushover it simply means that I'm the one everyone falls back on when the front line gets too heavy and that is how I like it. I am the one you can depend on if the shit hits the fan so hard that you don't know what to with yourself. I'm always there. the flaw in tis is I'm never there for myself. There's no one for me to fall back on. It seems my role is so set in stone that trying to get out of it is harder than killing time. I'm the backup, the right hand man and if I can't get home til two in the morning with work the next day who cares, or if I realize that people are insulting me in front of your face why should I expect you to do anything about it. That's not your responsibility... It's mine...I guess it just took me a while to realize that. I think thats why I've decided to be the back up for my one man team.

BREAKING THE HABIT by Linkin Park
Memories consume

Like opening the wound

I’m picking me apart again

You all assume

I’m safe here in my room (unless I try to start again)

I don’t want to be the one

The battles always choose

‘Cause inside I realize

That I’m the one confused

I don’t know what’s worth fighting for

Or why I have to scream

I don’t know why I instigate

And say what I don’t mean

I don’t know how I got this way

I know it’s not alright

So I’m Breaking the habit

Tonight

Clutching my cure

I tightly lock the door

I try to catch my breath again

I hurt much more

Than anytime before

I had no options left again

I’ll paint it on the walls

‘Cause I’m the one at fault

I’ll never fight again

And this is how it ends

I don’t know what’s worth fighting for

Or why I have to scream

But now I have some clarity

To show you what I mean

I don’t know how I got this way

I’ll never be alright

So I’m Breaking the habit

Breaking the habit

Tonight "

I love me, I love the me I've become, the me I see for the future.

Title Pic...