Post from the BB

One of the hardest things you can do in your life is challenge the roles you've built and what others have built for and about you. I am one of the most laid back people you'll meet but of course that's merely a facade, I'm observing and analysing everything I'm just not verbal about it.

I talk about my friends a lot because that's currently the only relationship I have right now outside of my family and I've formed an attachment to it that in the past has not been the most beneficial to me or my development. This is mostly due to my bottomfeeder self esteem and what I think about myself. I don't think I deserve much so this is what I project and what I get reflected back at me from other persons.

it's who I was and in some ways who I still am but I've moved myself so far from that person that the roles I was assigned way back when we became friends just don't fit who I am now. There's a clash and so in order to avoid conflict I decided to it cold turkey remove myself from that situation completely so that possibly they'll realize the changes and either take them or leave them.

Right now I think they're leaving them and about a year ago I would have been upset about it and just go back to being that person but it's not been half as hard as I thought it would. That's a little scary. If I don't have them who do I have and by extension who the hell am I? Its an eye opening and nerve racking experience and I fear losing them but I feel like I never even had a chance to find myself so there seems to be a price to pay for everything. I don't know if they'll understand, I'm not sure if I could fully explain it so we continue to be at a standstill on friend telling another that ikm prolly just being my regular depressed bitch self not realizing or caring how hurtful that shit is, and ill continue hoping that the best me develops from this I won't think about whoever is standing beyond that reveal whether everyone or no one.

Posts from the BB

Ok maybe I was a little hard on the Twilight series and certainly I'm not sayin the book doesn't have merit, I mean the fact that the twi-hards are truly that crazy is a very revealing testimony. All I'm saying is that it's not as good as the Harry Potter series and Ms. Meyer tried to get her heathen Anne Rice for juniors on but it was a failed attempt. I'm just anticipating the end of it all, the movies, the possibility of a new book,just finish so these overweight hockey moms can go back to ignoring their kids and losing their husbands to religion, the drink or the secretary Jolene...I'm just saying.

BE REAL!

Let's be clear I am all for books, I'm the biggest fan of books I know, truly and I applaud any book that motivates people to read. Let us also be clear that the Twilight franchise is no bigger nor better than any of the LJ Smith series. Nor by any means shape or form is it even close to being able to touch the Harry Potter franchise. The books are drivel. Complete and utter mediocrity...No wait not even close to mediocre. I've decided I'm going to try to complete reading the books but everytime I start I get a puzzled expression on my face and a feeling of nausea in my gut. It's really bad. Other than a stupid love story between a vampire, wolf and human what other themes can be found throughout the books? Please let me know, I'm very interested to find out.

Let's cut the bullshit the Harry Potter books are light years ahead of many 'children's books. I would seriously consider adding year 3 and 5 to any school curriculum. It doesn't deal with sparkling motherfuckers sailing through woods or knocked up bitches trying to decide between bestiality and necrophilia. It's more than a fight between good and evil and it shows more than wands, potions and spells. It's one of the most realistic and relatable books I've ever read. No I have not, as many people have, blurred the lines between reality and fantasy, the book is complete fiction but there is more heart and emotion and human connection in every single book than in anything Stephanie Meyer has ever written. Stop the madness people step back from your sad existence and for one second be real with yourselves.

Posts from the BB

Yes I'm back! Watched 'Miracle at St. Anna' about an hour ago. A Spike Lee joint. I liked the movie but it wasn't as great as I wished it to be. The story was very compelling and most movies made about WW II are interesting especially to my generation born so long after the war had ended. It lacked connectivity and fluidity. I didn't feel a connection with any of the characters really and though they tried the actors truly didn't do much for me. The script...ok I guess 1 big problem I havd just with overall production was my inability to see the subtitles clearly. I mean if I can't read what they're saying how can I become invested in the characters. The conclusion was predictable and improbable. (Though they claimed it was a true story im still side eyeing that)

It had such great potential, needed more and it just didn't deliver. Made beautifully though, cinematography was on point.

HYPERVENTILATING!

I have a job interview in about 2 hours. I am currently hyperventilating. I currently have no one to call to talk me down so I have tobe brave and do this on my own. I'm sure Ill do fine. I may or may not get the job all the other candidates are just as good as myself. It's a toss up. All comes down to who impresses in the interview. Truly all I wish and want to do is just be myself ensure that Im engaging and give smart concise answers. Im nervous as all hel though, trying to keep calm and not fuck it up by crying or some such nonsense. I just there was someone to tell it will be fine. Let me know it's ok being myself. I just have to sell them me and thats what intend to do. Getting calmer and calmer as I write this.

As Always, Thanks for listening.

Title pic -

Photo credits - http://www.clipartof.com/interior_wall_decor/details/Woman-Hyperventilating-And-Breathing-Into-A-Bag-Poster-Art-Print-5771

Posts from the BB

When I was younger my mother said that it was great that I was ugly and fat because she wouldn't have to worry about boys...Yep she said it right in front of me too. I think about it almost everyday. Sure there was a time after she said it I thought she just wants me to be strong and confident by myself. That's not what stayed with me though.

I'm 23 and I guess I proved her right, my life seems to be failure after faiure so far. The biggest failure of course being myself. I try to tell myself that its ok to be me, yes I'm not attractive and I never will be but if I try to love me then maybe others would do the same. Maybe my family would stop treating me like a pariah, maybe my friends would stop treating me like the maid's daughter. Who am I kidding? There's nothing I can do to change what they think so I'm just going to have to do the best with myself.

Feel Good...

I was very happy with the Saturday Premieres on HBO and Cinemax last night. I finally got to see an unbootleg version of 'The Dark Knight' and 'Hellboy II: The Golden Army'. My realtime review of the former is below -

Never saw the first movie so not corrupted, usually like to watch movies in sequence. Eric Roberts, Lukas Haas....hmmm? Harvey Dent? Yes, Morgan Freeman...hmmm did they know he (Heath Ledger) was gonna die or was the first one that good? Divine intervention. Why didn't the gun go off? Dent is def playing sides...that's what I think. 23 minutes. Bloody but not overly, 'Why so serious?' Scary as shit, funny as hell. He's(Dent) so working with them. I feel it coming. 40 minutes. Will the real Batman please stand up? So far, Dent steals the show, over Joker, Wayne, Alfred, Fox...Wayne is a narcissistic fuck. Kinda like him. Maggie Gyllenhaal is not beautiful by the far stretch of the imagination here, in this she creeps me out. Gorgeous in The Secretary, this, not so much. Is this shit really needed Bats? Come on now. I'm actually engaged and interested...or is that just because I know what's awaiting that I'm excited about? Not certain. 1hour 10minutes in wondering where the hell this is going, have over an hour left. This Rachel character can I get a boo...(Not because he's playing a psycho means its a great performance, certainly it's good but not great, waiting for him to impress me. 1hour 16minutes) nice twist, didn't see it coming, if I was watching it more carefully it wouldn't have passed me by, rolls eyes, rolls eyes again, predictable twist, is it right to wish a characters death? No I feel weird so I won't ill just say that it isn't much of a loss to the film, I'm bored. 1 hour 42 minutes. Anthony Michael Hall? Truly what is this? If he were to mime this whole thing and never say a word I would find it award worthy, his performance in Brokeback Mountain was phenomenal this...he's overshadowed by Eckhart. Completely, bored. 1hour 59minutes. I like the movie for the lovely old world detective feel, memories of Kojack and Bogart in films like Casablanca and Maltese Falcon, rooting for the not so good guys because in a really good films the good and bad guys aren't all one dimensional, good girls are nonexistent(even though they didn't really have a good female role here) and bad girls get the guy, it was choice and sacrifice and gritty. That's what I get. Eckhart is money in this film, where was Bale? I will say I completely forgot about Bale saw him for the character he played and that should be applauded (the character was a little laughable) Gary Oldman (Sirius!) pretty good as well, nice emoting, Maggie Gyllenhaal...meh. Movie better than it's principals though Eckhart stood out.

I loved 'Hellboy' but the sequel seemed to leave plot behind and just bumbled its way through to an ending. The characters are likable and sweet but I missed the novelty that was the first movie, liked the direction that they tried to take it into but it missed it's mark for me when it came to story line. Very Weak. Awaiting whatever other sequels are in the works.

They premiered 'High School Musical 3: Senior Year' on the Starz channel and i will admit i will be watching later today. I mean i already watched the first 2 the third can't be any worse. The first 2 weren't bad just not my thing. Just trying to complete the sequence.

The reason things have been feeling good... I just don't know. Only a few days without twitter and it feels weird but I'm not obsessing about it. Only a few days without speaking to my friends (or at least one friend in particular)....the same sentiments would apply.

Title pic -

Photo credits: - http://media.photobucket.com/image/feel%20good/jv3ecknell/614-GorillazFeelGoodInc.jpg

Posts from the BB

I read somewhere recently the Kate Winslet said she felt less than a woman because she had her daughter by caesarian. I understand what she meant but it upset me that this woman who carried this other being around inside her felt less than womanly because she didn't push it through her vagina...I applaud women who deliver 'naturally' no drugs, no hospital, it's been done for years this way and to continue the tradition is admirable but to imply that having a baby any other way as unnatural sometimes comes off as pretentious to me. Depending on the person of course.

It's all about choices right? I choose to have an epidural because it's available and I feel safest that way, someone else may choose herbs and meditation to ease the pain, who says one is better than the other? Who decides that one is lesser than the other? I've never given birth but when/if I do I want to be able to make the choice and not have to fear being labeled as less than a woman for not being able to or choosing not to push the baby through my vagina. It's coming from my uterus there is nothing that screams woman more than that.

I want to also address the fact that having a baby is not the be-all and end-all of being a woman, some women choose not to have a baby, others aren't able to and again to be labeled less than a woman says so much about who we are as a species it's beyond hilarious. We value birthing because it's apart of our genetic makeup but one facet of a developing species is the freedoms awarded to its members, we need to stop shunning those who do not choose to have a similar lifestyle to our own.

Posts from the BB

So much bullshit in my life right now. Getting no R-E-S-P-E-C-T from man nor beast. My land lady is the biggest bitch alive, my workplace..., yep and my social life is about as hilarious as ever.

Keeping my head up, keeping myself alive, ensuring that I continue to survive and help my family survive. Tired of feeling like the person who keeps giving and getting nothing so I just stopped. A new issuing of myself and all I've to offer.

A little cryptic right? No more shunning. I'm gonna do my job and hope I get that position I applied for, hoping I can do well in the interview. Wish me luck please!

Brand New Day

Today's a brand new day a new to be revered a day to live love and laugh. Take it in, inhale breathe deeply and know that life is what you make it.

After that introspection let's get to it. I have no idea what's happening in Jamaican gossip so i just cannot do a Weh Yu Mean? post anytime soon. Once I get caught up we'll definitely have something to kick ass with. I can do a Movies I Saw Last Week and maybe a little Queerty Knows Best if time allows so hold your hats and horse ladies and gentlemen because here we go... Movies I Saw Last Week

Kung Fu Panda - Soooo good. Animated films have been kicking ass for the past few years and this is no exception. Kids and adults alike would enjoy it. Certainly it's predictable but what movie isn't? It's fun and funny. The secondary characters were a little weak though, more like background decoration than characters but it didn't detract from the film too much. I really enjoyed it. 8/10

Tropic Thunder - OMFG! This is one of the funniest movies I've seen in a looong time. I am usually not a big fan of Ben Stiller movies but i was laughing out loud mostly the entire time. The one line zingers are just too much to bear. It was hilarious. Each character held their own and I can see why the tom Cruise character was singled out. I didn't expect any of that shit from Tom Cruiazy, truly, truly funny and engaging and just the right balance of 'What the fuck?' and 'Oh My God at what he said'. Robert Downey Jr. was MONEY in this role, I definitely agree with the Oscar nomination I mean come on 'playing a dude disguised as another dude' was priceless. the characters are what make this movie the plot left alot to be desired but it was played so well that it worked. 8.5/10

Star Trek - AMAZING! Cinematography gives this movie the edge, it's beautifully made. The acting was just right. Not over the top, no mimicry the actors shine through as themselves and as the already established characters in these roles, making them their own. It was funny, terrifying, alluring, enchanting, mesmerizing...the adjectives could go on. No real standout performer but a very cohesive cast. If there's anything bad about it is that I didn't really enjoy the villain as much as I should have, I mean Eric Bana can only play the role they give him so I cant really fault his acting, he was good I just didn't like the character very much. Greatly anticipating a sequel (crosses fingers, knocks on wood) Hope it's as good as the first. 9/10

Hot Fuzz - One of the biggest surprises of my life. It was such a funny movie with engaging characters and an interesting plot. Simon Pegg and Nick Frost make a really good comedic team. I never expected it to be funny but it was very much so. 7/10

Run Fat Boy Run - Another movie starring the British Simon Pegg who is hilarious. The movie was not so hilarious. It had a few jokes here an there, you would get a chuckle but nothing more. Hank Azaria provides some comic relief but not much and the film leaves you wanting something more. 4/10

Now it's time for Queerty Knows Best...Hope you enjoy.

Brian

Nathan

Ollie

Sean

Tegan

As usual and always all glorious human flesh provided by Queerty and their Morning Goods section, I love that section. Click on the guys hot bodies in order to view even more glorious pictures of these magnificent species. I need to get laid. The End.

Title Pic for today -

Photo credits - http://buzz.blogger.com/2005_05_01_archive.html

Posts from the BB

Wrote this a few months ago, can't say where I was or what the hell was going on to make me spaz but this is the result.


The my Jamaica is dead,
Truly with the rising death toll and the over growing monster of our gun culture,
The my Jamaica is dead.
Fuck the white sand beaches
23 never had a chance to live it,
Drench my self in lubricant at Hedonism and find a rich white man interested in Caribbean flesh cuz that's what I am to him and to you.
You see me but you don't give a shit about the my Jamaica
What happens in the banks is high level Enron shit but everybody's fucking corrupt so what we see is the working class 10% feeding the politicians and the gun man their meals.
The my Jamaica is dead
The culture gets diluted by baseball caps two sizes too big with NYC embroidered on the front misses the total care that granny used to take to make her elaborate straw hat she wore to church when yu born and christen.
Sent overseas we are idolized for being hardworking and having a violent I don't give a fuck attitude,
But fi real I don't give a fuck
What can u do to me foreigner that my bredren hasn't beat u to?
The my Jamaica is dead.
The hospitality u see is the facade of a woman trying to ensure that her pickney dem can eat pon Sunday,
that rice and peas is never missing from a Sunday plate,
So yes she smiles and accommodates while u look on her as if she's not a fucking human being,
I just sell sah, the toilet roun di back
The shit house of course that she can't use and her babies still shitting in the grass on the walk home
The my Jamaica the culture and country I would lay down my life for continues to steal my breath,
I look at the old and the young both begging on the same side of the street and pray that tomorrow is not the day I have to join them.
The my Jamaica of donkey rides and trains and coronation market where I used to get a $20 white dolly wid yellow hair and wonder if a soh white peeple really look?
Wondering what kind of rundown and mackerel me modda ago cook tonight fi mek sure seh her big daughter have hearty food,
expressions of love shown through how we share how hard we work how unbelievably loud we get.
The my Jamaica is dead
And I one of the children who have grown to realize it
because I have been on the crux born in time to get some the ninety year old wisdom,
but young enough to know that when its dead its blood claat dead and I have no clue who's to resurrect it.
Me? Rebuild the place I love and call home? How and with whom? My cohorts are full of NYC and MIAMI pride but shudder at the thought of Kingston at 12am.
The my Jamaica is dead.
Stomped out with Tims and fake Louboutins.
......

Of Kill Bill Vol. 2 and other disasters

Yes I realize it's been weeks. Whatever.

'Kill Bill Vol 2', definitely not good as the first but that of course is very relative. I'm a very big fan of action movies and kung fu movies are top bill for me so the first volume would, of course, hold more appeal for me . Though volume 2 could have been much better. I was a little bored not because it wasn't action filled but it lagged in the plot and scenes and felt like one long drawn out epilogue. Not very entertaining and very predictable.

Other disasters must include 'Watchmen' truly, TRULY my most hated adaptation. Snyder did horrendously. Sorry but he did. It was pretty to look at but was dense and kind of a wreck. Below is what i wrote the night of and day after I saw it. As you will read I was a little upset....My friend Eanehj is still upset with me for dragging her to see it.

Big on the platitudes, we get it human life is as miraculous in it's development
as in it's inevitable destruction. What more can you offer me though? Certainly the choice between good and evil is not as black and white as it has been painted for years the areas or gray so few and far between that everyday merely becomes one man's pewter another man's slate. What more can you offer in this movie? Where is the punch, you tried of course with Dr Manhattan but his performance was flat and monotonous not as compelling as you wished when u advised Crudup to lose the inflection in his voice, maybe with a better actor? who knows. The most compelling of course was Rorschach aren't we all fascinated by the morose? A man, no a psychopath, who's a mere fucked up child trying to get love from his mama. We love it because it is tragic which is where our base natures call us to. Makes our issues minimal, the eternal goal of mankind find and exploit another's weakness to ensure the survival of your kin whether psychologically or physical we are but animals, mere humans. Dreiberg's character could really have been explored made important, his point was? Rebound for Spectre, we do need some sex don't we? Spectre, her sole purpose was to be born from Spectre 1 and Comedian which of course brings Dr Monotony from his dull senses in order to 'save' the world. Thanks Monotony for living down to expectations, don't know what I expected but it wasn't this. The movie ruined it for me, ruined the genuineness of the graphic novel made it seem generic which it never has been, it was authentic and like its structure novel. The movie was made cinematically perfect.

Yeah I kinda went off...I was fucking upset though.

Title pic...

Posts from the BB

Surely you jest? watching Kill Bill Vol. 1 and 2. Review of both movies in 10 mins.

Kill Bill Vol 1 - as it was intended an excellent homage to the kung fu and karate movies (which I love) of the 60's and 70's. The tight shots on the actors, the amazing expressions, great choreography and excellent cinematography and editing. Love the use of several different types of cinema viewabilities to portray the story, black and white, anime, shadowing... A few others made it interesting and dynamic. The transition from type to type wasn't jarring and felt cohesive. Maybe too much of a homage, a lot of action sequences and I completely understand wanting to portray both volumes as 1 movie but it felt disjointed and made me not very interested in the story so much. Essentially what is this movie about or at least what is this portion about? It doesn't come through, nothing comes through except that we really want her to kill motherfucking Bill, even though we have no idea who the fuck Bill is. With that said I liked it, I think Tarantino's my kind of film maker. It was memorable that's what we want from a movie.

Kill Bill Vol 2 - Review Coming Soon

Posts from the BB

Anyone who has ever sacrificed anything for someone else knows that in their heeart of hearts they resent that person just a little bit. You may not regret the decision but there's definately some resentment there that eats at you.

There's nothing worst than a dream deferred but what I do is to think of those dreams as attainable goals. There is absolutely nothing stoppin me from doing what I want to but to expect to do it all by the time you are 25 is unrealistic and ridiculous. Live your life. This can span over 70 years and sure nothings promised but what kind of life can you have if you continue to measure your acheivements by otherrs standards? Never give up on yourself, love the you that is here and now and work your hardest to see the you that you want tomorrow. I love my my life but that doesn't mean I'm unrealistic about it. I resent that I won't be able to do all the things I want right away but I've adapted made new goals that are even more spectacular and more amazing than I could ever imagine.

The me that I am right now is as perfect as she can be and I love her for that.

Posts from the BB

I do not want to talk about him right now, death is still too fresh in the air and some things are just not to be talked about.

I don't think my friends really know how hard it is for me. I know everyone's got their problems and I guess its extremely self righteous of me to assume that they or anyone should be thinking or caring about what I feel, but that's the problem. I don't think people should care about me and when they don't show interest I'm hurt. Its not their fault but I don't know how to relate to them that it hurts me that there's no one that I have a strong connecting bond with. We share so many things in common hence why we're friends but I've come to realize its just not enough. I think its as much as anyone can ask for and no more. I feel like its the pinnacle of this friendship.

We're still the same nothing much changing and I'm ready for that change. I put myself out there why can't the same be done for me? Why am I the only one who gives a fuck? Am I the only one who realizes that something is wrong? Is everyone else happy? It took the death of a loved one for me to realize that I'm unhappy in the one part of my life that I thought I was happy. Tragedy and grief will ensure that you face the truth. The truth it seems is what I've never wanted.

Posts from the BB

I had a dream in which I was tied down to a bed and there was some guy in the room just going about his business. Throughout the dream I'm terrified but I know this guy's not going to do anything to me. After awhile I realize that the room was my bedroom and the guy was my spouse and me being tied down meant I was married. I was scared I didn't want to be with this guy for the rest of my life, though I guess I loved him. I don't want to get married and I was terrified to think that everyday we'd be in the same bedroom tied to each other. Relationships are scary places and if you aren't ready for them they can choke the life out of you.

In truth I've never wanted to get married, a commitment yes but never marriage its so final, so permanent.

My friend, Eanehj, and I were having a conversation about what we were looking for in our relationships now. Sure we want to have fun but after that what then? We'll spend all of our 20s having fun and when we hit 30 we realize that we're getting older but our relationships have all stayed the same. Either we've been with the same no good guy for years or we have a string of crappy relationships where we barely remember anyone's name. I'm not looking for life commitment now but I'm looking for something more substantial than a quick fuck and subsequent booty calls.

Posts from the BB

I woke up at about 11:30. After falling asleep around 8. I haven't been to sleep since and it's now 3:30am. I watched MXC which was hilarious, voice over Japanese shows are what make life bearable. Also watched a movie called 'Johns' with David Arquette and Lukas Haas, Arquette's performance was good. The movie was, for lack of a better word, ok. The good - the nature of the film about these 2 male prostitutes and their lives and 'johns' was interesting but the supporting characters of the film were more convincing than the 2 leads in my opinion. A good actor performs in a role, a passable actor pretends to be the role, a great actor becomes the role. Arquette played the same character he's been known for in all his movies, quirky a little crazy likable. Haas was meh. The movie got good reviews and I may see that in 1996 but 2009...hmmm.

Watching Law and Order:Criminal Intent (Goren and Eames baby!) something about a deaf murderer. I'm excited about Jeff Goldblum joining the show, hope its good.

I would never want to lose my hearing, my sight is crazy already but not to hear would be devastating to me. If I were born so that would be different but to become so after being able to hear all my life...Side note as my glasses broke the other day I went in to get a new pair at a cost of $11800 (about US$140) I feel so broke.

Remind me never to break any laws.

My fave two Canadian shows were going on this morn, Steven and Chris a design talk show with a gay couple Steven Sabados and Chris Hyndman and The Hour with hottie George Strombolopolous (yes I love him I even know how to spell that monster of a last name) he's funny and just my kinda cute. *sigh*

Posts from the BB

In High school I would call my friends on a daily and just talk for hours. I think that's a contributing factor that explains why we're so close now. We talked about nothing and everything, all that is important to a teenage girl. We talked about boyfriends or lack there of, sex, people at school who were awful and so on. Some of the best times of my life were spent on the phone. I fell asleep on the phone many times wit my friends, met boyfriends on the phone (I know, don't remind me). My life was centered around it and that life was good.

Our pranks are still hilarious today and still notorious amongst us. At the time we didn't all have computers or internet (dial up = BOOOOO!) And so our main means of communication was through the phone. To this day was still yack it up on the phone any chance we get that's what we grew up on, what we are most comfortable using. So spending sometime talking to my friend talking about nothing really brings me back to the days we would have a 6 person conference and everybody talking at once.

'Ok so u call me then hang up and ill call u, then u call A and let A call B I will conference C...Go!'

Wow am I old. Lol. I kinda miss it but we had to grow up sometime right? Restricted phone access was fine by me because as you get older there will come a time when you need your own space. When you've fleshed out who you are behind that mouthpiece is when you end the call and hang up the phone.

Not more than myself just all of me

Thanks so much for the feedback guys...Axela and Irrek *LOVE* *LOVE*

Writing in this blog is such a process though. Sometimes things come to me and sometimes they don't. I try to write when something hits me and when it's at the fore front of my mind so that I can immerse myself and just continue writing without stop or fail.I never censor the things I say...Ok sometimes I do but very few times and only because I don't want to hurt anyone. So mostly all you see is me. Me being random, me being quirky and weird and unhappy and ecstatic. Not more than myself just all of me.

LOLz!

Funny story. At my first Christmas party at my workplace I went with my friend Akimat. Fun right? I was new so I knew only a few people from work so I spent most of the time with my friend just walking around laughing and getting drunk. Good Times. Sometime during the night though a young man from work, i think he was walking with his girlfriend, I don't know my glasses were foggy, came up to me said 'Hi', so I say 'Hi' back but not knowing him real well my friend and I kinda slink off to the food because damn were we hungry. I asked my friend if it was rude for us to just walk away like that without saying anything because he did look poised to say something just before we left she laughed and said she didn't care and to bring on the mojitos. Again..Good Times!!

Whats funny about this is he obviously took it as a snub because in the days following the party when I saw him at work I said 'Good Morning/Afternoon/Shower' and this nigga turned his back and said shit aka nothing. At the time I LOLd like a mofo and told Akimat who did the same. It's been almost a year and a half and everytime I see him I extend greetings (not because I want this nut bucket to like me but because you never know who's packing an uzi and just may spare your life because of a good morning) and this nigga still snubs. To this day it gives me the Lolz...Oh Snubbed you make my damn day. I sat beside him today thats why I remember.

Title pic...LOLz!!

I know I've been delinquent on this blog I love so but something's messed up on the BBerry that's not allowing me to post what and when i need to. I have written a couple things that i think I'm going to post.

So when she mentioned that her husband would die for her and how cute he was I started thinking DAMN when can I get me some of that? Everyday I think about
what my experiences would be like if there were someone with whom I could share some semblance of a realness with. I'm so closed off I'm trying hard not to
panic daily. I'm very optimistic about my life and the things I want to do with
it. I keep saying it'll happen and I truly believe it. Maybe that's all I
need,that belief. I believe.

A lady said something to me at work and that's how what she said developed in my mind. I had to write it down.

I knew at the time that what he wanted wasn't to talk to me about school, being
as young as I was it should have been, but it wouldn't have been about that and
I wasn't fucking stupid and at the time maybe that's what I wanted most. I just
wanted him to see me and not cringe possibly make me feel as if I were wanted at least that one time but I chickened out because I knew I was too young, too
everything wasn't ready and I know I wasn't because it was so easy for me to
leave I just made one of my all time favorite impulsive decisions. I wondered if
he even cared that I'd left I didn't get a call until I'd reached home. I laugh
now thinking about him running around searching for my big ass.

I wrote the above remembering when I was 14 years old and going to meet my 'boyfriend' who at that time was 20 years old. Oh the young and stupid.

Eric Jerome Dickey always makes you think, even when you search for the easy way out what you get is a way out. No map, no GPS. Just a way out and its a choice you have whether you want to take that out or just see it as a lost caused. On a few occasions I've taken the way he's shown. I've not always liked the
destination but the journey has always been worth it. This book gave me a hard
hit to the arm, it jarred me but I was still standing, other books have left me
flat on my ass wishing I'd never laid eyes on it. I'm happy I read it because I
can now cross it from my list. I liked Billie but my fave was Destiny because
she was so tragic and typical human in me I steer towards the tragic. The plots
were too tidy, the entwining of the characters hurt the plot for me and again
the most developed of the characters was the 15 year old. More dynamic than the others, Billie was too nice, I mean WTF is keeping you with this dog ass nigga? It can't be love that's bullshit. I don't get passion, don't get any part of it
and so I can't understand women like Billie or Livvy or any of the characters in
Between Lovers I'm always thinking that the shit can be solved in a logical
fashion but everybody's just thinking 'fuck logic'. I can't process it. I need
some heartache. For educational purposes of course.

I wrote the above after reading 'Chasing Destiny' by Eric Jerome Dickey...need I say more?

I tried to take a breath,
the air wasn't clear,
breathless,
or so it seemed,
that's how you left me,
my
falsetto flattened,
my soprano stalled,
breathless,
my mind a blank I could only stare,
I wondered if we'd
fit,
you were so big,
anatomically,
personality,
grandeur,
beauty,
breathless,
dreaming you saw the same qualities
of shared realities in me,
as breathless as I,
dreaming as I.

No idea who the above poem is for but I guess I was feeling someone.

A
Bear
Called
Down
Everest
Frowning
'Go'
He
Intimated
Jostling
Kicking,
Like
Moving
Needed
Oration.
'Please
Quiet'
Repeated.
So
Tame
Until
Verbally
Warned
Yet
Zealous

This poem was written in my "I'm crazy and idle" phase but it's one of my favorites

Again thanks so much for visiting, reading whatevering. I do have a treat for you ladies and some gents... !!Hot Guy of this Day!! Today's treat is Columbus Short, Hot Guy of September 19, 1982...

Columbus - The boy's name Columbus \c(o)-lu-mbus\. Variant of the Latin word meaning "dove". Made famous by Christopher Columbus, the Italian explorer who discovered America.

Weekend!

Had a great weekend in Ocho Rios where I swam for the first time in years. I forgot how amazing it is to just submerge yourself in water or to swim across a pool and feel weightelss. One of the better weekends of my life and it was shockingly not as expensive as I would have originally thought. I stayed at this great place called Chrisanns Beach Resort. The room was amazing and inexpensive and it was just truly a great weekend. VAAJ strikes again.

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Tied

I've spoken about my love/hate relationship with my workplace. Today is another day that exacerbates the hate part of that relationship. I'm tired of these people making decisions for me. As someone rightly said, during the training session I'm currently doing, they decide when I piss, when I eat lunch if I'm sick enough to home... They run my life. Sure work isn't usually a pleasurable experience and certainly I need the fucking money if I don't want to live on the street but to have to make the decision to either have my head explode while at work due to a migraine or to sleep on the street seems like cruel and unusual punishment to me and that was not in the job description.

I am a slave working to support massa and his overseers. I do a shitload of work everyday, I come in on time, I leave after the time they've dictated and yet I still get minimum. Minimum benefits, minimum pay, minimum social life. Do you know how it feels to be tethered? I am tied to an instrument that hurts my jaw, my ear and my brain. I do that almost everyday and I have one choice either to experience that pain or sleep in the streets. HA! Essentially I have no choice at all.

Title pic -

Posts from the BB

There've been times in my life when I've seen someone and wanted to go up to them invite them out and actually return their calls if they do call. I never do though. I'm always disappointed in myself and always leave the situation feeling unhappy. I do have to tendency to be the shrinking violet but that is the persona that fits me and feels good for me. I am not the one who will be shouting across the room, or being the center of attention. I'm never that person and I don't want to be that person. I just want to be able to approach someone without fear of being belittled or coming away feeling less than myself. I don't really have a fear of rejection, that comes with the territory of putting yourself out there but I fear people making fun of me, chewing up and spitting in my face. I've had too much of that happen already.

It really all boils down to being rejected though doesn't it? So reading above you can see I'm wrong. I don't want for someone else to tell me I'm not wanted. I don't want them to reject me because I think I've felt so much rejection already. I don't want to die but I feel like I'm struggling to live... I've heard that somewhere before can't remember where but right now its really a true reflection of where my life is. Antwone Fisher's got me fucked up.

P.P. - I was not in a good place when I wrote this. In my heart I feel like there is so much to live for but sometimes I feel like I'm in the middle of the ocean treading water by myself. 'Why continue?' I ask myself buyt then theres an answer 'Because land is just ahead, gotta keep your head up...even though the road is hard don't give up' and I continue. As we should all continue. I continue.

Yes Yeast Yes...

Soooooo... I had a yeast infection a few months ago. Worst experience of my life (that' saying much right?) At first I had no idea what was wrong with me down there and I really don't have that type of relationship with my mother to discuss it. I didnt really want to tell my friends so I just let it continue. It hurt so much and I have no idea what I was thinking when I let it continue for about a month and a half before finally going to the doctor. I never want to go through that again. I also don't want anyone else to go through that experience or to let it continue for lengthy periods after it starts.

WHAT IS A YEAST INFECTION? - Yeast is a type of fungus. Yeast infections are caused by overgrowth of the fungus Candida albicans. Small amounts of yeast are always in the vagina. But when too much yeast grows, you can get an infection.Yeast infections are very common. About 75 percent of women have one during their lives. And almost half of women have two or more vaginal yeast infections. (Source)

Candidiasis, commonly called yeast infection or thrush, is a fungal infection (mycosis) of any of the Candida species, of which Candida albicans is the most common. (Source) Candida albicans is a fungus (a form of yeast), which is capable of sexual reproduction. (Source)

SYMPTOMS - Symptoms include severe itching, burning, and soreness, irritation of the vagina and/or vulva, and a whitish or whitish-gray discharge, often with a curd-like appearance. Many women mistake the symptoms of the more common bacterial vaginosis for a yeast infection. In a 2002 study published in the Journal of Obstetrics and Gynecology, only 33 percent of women who were self-treating for a yeast infection actually had a yeast infection, while most had either bacterial vaginosis or a mixed-type infection instead. (Source)

In men (yes men too), symptoms include red patchy sores near the head of the penis or on the foreskin, severe itching, and/or a burning sensation. Candidiasis of the penis can also have a white discharge, although uncommon. However, having no symptoms at all is common, and usually, a more severe form of the symptoms may emerge later (don't I know it) (Source)

The most common symptom of a yeast infection is extreme itchiness in and around the vagina. Other symptoms include:
burning, redness, and swelling of the vagina and the vulva
pain when passing urine
pain during sex
soreness
a thick, white vaginal discharge that looks like cottage cheese and does not have a bad smell
a rash on the vagina
You may only have a few of these symptoms. They may be mild or severe. (Source)

CAUSES - Pregnancy and the use of oral contraceptives have been reported as risk factors, while the roles of engaging in vaginal sex immediately and without cleansing after anal sex and using lubricants containing glycerin remain controversial. Diabetes mellitus and the use of antibiotics are also linked to an increased incidence of yeast infections. Diet has been found to be the cause in some animals. (Source)

Antibiotic and steroid use are the most common reason for yeast overgrowth. The former kills the bacteria which would otherwise help maintain Candida at safe levels, thus allowing the fungus to overgrow. (Source)

In penile candidiasis, the causes include sexual intercourse with an infected party, low immunity, antibiotics, and diabetes. Male genital yeast infection is less common, and the risk of getting it is only a fraction of that in women; however, yeast infection on the penis from direct contact via sexual intercourse with an infected partner is not uncommon. (Source)

Many things can raise your risk of a vaginal yeast infection, such as:

• stress


• lack of sleep


• illness


• poor eating habits, including eating extreme amounts of sugary foods


• pregnancy


• having your period


• taking certain medicines, including birth control pills, antibiotics, and steroids


• diseases such as poorly controlled diabetes and HIV/AIDS


• hormonal changes during your periods (Source)

TREATMENTS - Yeast infections can be cured with antifungal medicines that come as:

• creams


• tablets


• ointments or suppositories that are inserted into the vagina

These products can be bought over the counter at the drug store or grocery store. Your doctor can also prescribe you a single dose of oral fluconazole (floo-con-uh-zohl). But do not use this drug if you are pregnant.
Infections that don’t respond to these medicines are starting to be more common. Using antifungal medicines when you don't really have a yeast infection can raise your risk of getting a hard-to-treat infection in the future. (Source)

PREVENTION -

• Consider taking a daily supplement designed to help prevent the recurrence of a yeast infection


• Keep you vaginal area clean, being sure to wash the area when you shower


• After a shower or bath, make sure your vaginal area is completely dry before getting dressed


• Wear cotton underpants and pantyhose with a cotton crotch


• After using the toilet, always wipe from front to back


• Avoid sharing towels and washcloths


• Wash your under garments in hot water and skip the fabric softener in the dryer


• Avoid clothing that is tight in the crotch


• Always change out of your exercise clothes or swimsuit immediately after working out or swimming


• Change your sanitary pads or tampons frequently and avoid using ones that are scented


• Avoid using heavily scented soaps, perfumes and talcum powder


• Avoid douching


• Use antibiotics only when necessary


• Eat a diet high in vegetables, protein and grains as well as consuming yogurt that has live acidophilus bacteria; avoid processed foods, sugars and alcohol


• Always use a water soluble lubricating gel during sex


• Consider using a condom if you are having sex and have a yeast infection


• Make sure your vagina is well lubricated during sex; avoid sex if it feels painful


• If you are experiencing chronic yeast infections and are using hormonal contraceptives, like the birth control pill, consider changing your birth control method (Source)

Title pic -

The Golden Globes

I promised myself I would have made the posted what I wrote about the Golden Globes over a month ago but never got around to it so I'll just post it here. Sure I know the awards season is over and the Oscar's were just on Sunday but it's mine I can do what I please. For my Oscar rantings please feel free to visit my twitter page (to the left of the screen) I ranted and ranted and fell asleep, woke up then ranted some more. Enjoy.

• Booring..


• Thank you Laura Dern


• Ook Don Cheadle


• Thumbs down Eva's dress, jewels are nice Hayden's dress is a throw up Gabriel Burn-surprise! Yay!


• Zachary Quinto fuck yeah


• New Capn Kirk see above


• *sigh*


• *sigh*


• Still funny Ricky Gervais


• Why is the oldest Jonas brother 6 octaves lower than the others?


• Yay WALL-E


• Surprise Yay Johnny Depp!


• I've never heard of Happy-Go-Lucky this makes me content Yay Jakey!


• Seriously Drew the dress is gorgeous


• *sigh*


• Here it comes...RIP Heath Ledger


• Brokaw!


• Colin Farrell just admitted he used to do coke...


• Maggie WTF?


• Aaron Eckhart = Swoon


• Not too upset about Laura Linney but hate her dress


• In Bruges looks good


• DAMN Seth Rogan!


• Love the silhouette hate the top on Renee


• Fox looks short I like it and not at the same time also that E! Interview????


• Giamatti just said ass and pissy


• Tracy Morgan???


• Mamma Mia? Seriously?


• Kate Beck-Seen it, but still pretty


• First time God has been thanked-Ruhmen


• Right David your "wife" second time you've mentioned her tonight I could be watching Hamburger challenge right now on Food Network


• She looks horribly put together Diaz we are now enemies


• I'm so happy the Revolutionary Road was shut out


• Thank you Colin Farrell, One of the better speeches so far


• Salma Hayek-GORGEOUS!


• Sasha Baron Cohen just killed it!


• YES! YES! OMG! Kate Winslet! 'OK Gather'


• Repeat above for Mad Men


• I guess, at least it wasn't Penn


• Watching Rourke is like watching an exploding star, its destructive and the outcome is amazing to see but it's still sad to see it go


• Rourke just said bitch and something about balls


• Slumdog sweep the ting...BROOMIE!!!

As you may have noted I did it in note form. I remember doing this as far back as 7th grade that was over 13 years ago. I love awards shows...sort of.

Title pic...

P.P. - I will be doing more regular post now since my BB is now fully functional. Thanks for anyone (KP!) who's asked me to continue. I love this blog and anyone who reads my posts or just wants to see what it's about and visits I thank you. Feel free to leave a comment good, bad or indifferent.

The 51st Annual Grammy Awards

The Grammys were very boring this year...The actual show I mean. The best part of the whole show was cutting the fuck up getting twitter updates from people like DurtyMo, KidFury, Freshalina, DomCorleone and trentvanegas. Funniest thing I have ever experienced. I was laughing out loud the entire time. The Grammys sucked though but Congrats to the winners. (BURNING SPEAR!) M.I.A. was just amazingly hilarious, Swagger like us was nice, as was the Radiohead performance, The Four Tops tribute was nice... That's about it for the Grammys.

Now the Chrihanna drama???? That fair made my entire night, my entire weekend. I just didn't see that shit coming, it was totally from left field. I would have never thought that Chris Brown was a lady beater. I mean he has this baby face, laid back, mellow attitude thing but I guess hate comes in all shapes and sizes. I just could not and still can not believe it. Wow! For updates Young, Black and Fabulous always has very good and thorough reports. Natasha's gossip is always on point. Crazy!!!

Title pic -

Lackluster

Decided to do a reviews of some Movies I Saw Last Week because well the need came over me and I am always about satisfying my id.

Sicko - Michael Moore at is best at America bashing. To be fair he has said in the past that he loves America and sue me I believe him. I understand, I get it. America needs work and as it's citizens of a world power he attempts to make you aware of those issues so that both he and you can be better, live better make America better. As is usual his monotone voice is perfect narration for the documentary. I have only seen 'Bowling for Columbine' which is one of my personal favorite films of all time so I may not be as tainted as others would seem to be who have seen his Palme d'Or winning 'Fahrenheit 9/11'. I like his film making style he often times comes off very self righteous and arrogant but I guess so do alot of other directors, actors, sound mixers...8/10

The Great Debaters - Compelling performances from the two male and single female leads. Complex characters that were played well and kept my attention throughout the movie. Standard performance from Forrest Whitaker, though as with many actors there is a thread of himself that is left within each of his characters which sometimes unfortunately ties them together i.e. see one see them all. Denzel Washington also plays a role, though his character gets lost within the movie, maybe this was deliberate, maybe not. After all the movie is not about his character, though he has an influence over the three young characters who shine throughout the movie. The real star of this film is the story, the fact that the movie is based on a true story is what keeps you enthralled. The speeches were inspiring and my personal fave part of the entire movie. Overall not a bad movie but not great either, each cast member brought something to their role but the movie lacked overall cast unity. Excellent points about the movie are the editing, cinematography and score. 7/10

The Lake House - Love the story. Sandra Bullock and Keanu Reeves were a nice energy on screen but the chemistry was lacking which may be due to my subjectivity. 'Speed' was uppermost in my mind as I watched, though two completely different movies I was hoping that the fire they had in their previous on screen venture would translate. It didn't. Again two different movies so you can't expect the same, shame on me for doing so. 6/10

Title pic -

P.P - When it seems like you're about to have a good day somebody always comes along and fucks you up. It's a lie when people say that what others say and do don't affect you even if it is infinitesimal affect you are affected. So, this bitch, comes in and does nothing but put her bag on the desk where I'm sitting. So I'm thinking you know good manners dictates that you say something whether 'I have to sit here' or 'I've been sitting here all along' but this bitch says nothing to me. So I ask 'Are you sitting here?' the bitch says 'Yes' in the most condescending tone as if I wash her nasty draws each day because I need money. In my mind I'm thinking 'So why the fuck didn't you say so?' I have no issues in moving, I really don't give a fuck where I sit in this place but I can't stand people who bitch for the sake of bitching. Bitch. Bitch also has a kid who judging by what I've seen is a bitch in the making. Bitch 2k16. Bitch.

Posts From the BB

I am going to sound so biased but since it's my blog I can do whatever the hell i want...Right?



OK so as you should know by now I have a very large, LARGE rack. A beautifully large rack that hurts my back most times I would love a reduction but whatever maybe if I lose some weight...Rambling...So I'm looking around and I witness some very small breasts on some lovely women. Non existent really and I think 'Wow I do not want.' I know there are men who prefer both ends of the spectrum and all that's in between but when I look on it if I were a guy I'd definitely be after the larger busted women. I just don't see the appeal of a small busted woman. Most of my friends are curvy with sizeable boobs that are usually displayed to their busty goodness. Of course my perception and taste is skewed by where I grew up, who I saw as I grew up and who and how I am. I still don't see it.



I'm such a judgemental bitch too it's hilarious.

Posts from the BB

Timothy Olyphant = *swoon* to the 10th power.

Posts from the BB

I realized just now how much I really like white men. I mean like them, like them. I like them grungy, muscle-filled, rocker, comedian. I mean I've always known that I have a fondness for the pale skins of our population. I am an equal opportunist though, there's no race on earth that I wouldn't jump on. Watching the gorgeous man of Greek descent on NTV's 'The Hour' and thinking how much I would love to scream his name (George Stroumboulopoulos!) has solidified for me how deep my feelings have become. Its not all white men that I like but I've spotted some that I would happily make my own.

There will be someone who will of course say that I'm disillusioned and of course they will bring up memories of an atrocities done to my people and I just want them to stop turn around and go away. I will never forget where I came from but I would never let that stop me from embracing the future. I love the black in me, every brown tone that my skin possesses and I love black men but I do not have to rationalize my love of men from other races to anyone. You be you as i will undoubtedly be me.

Resolved

I read alot of blogs and have my fave bloggers and bloggers I can't stand and so on and so forth. The new year of course has them listing what songs, albums, TV shows etc were "great" in 2008 but all that shit is just subjective. I mean I'm certain there's a blogger out there writing that "Beverly Hills Chihuahua" was the best movie of the year...with a straight face. If you are astute you'll realize that what I just said was exactly the subjectivity I am speaking about. I never even saw "Beverly Hills Chihuahua" nor will I see the "Tale of Desperaux" Akimat... But I can tell you Movie of the year it is not.

I used to think people were crazy for listing some of the shit (literally) they would when making these crazy lists. Just thinking about someone listing Britney Spears' "Circus" as the best album of the year would burn me up (I mean I like "Womanizer" but gag me with a fucking spoon). Crap is crap is crap.

I have no lists. I liked 2008 it was an OK year. I got a new phone, and cable, a new life really when we moved. It was as it always is another year. Soon forgotten except of course on Vh1's 1 Love the... series. I'm looking forward to 2009 and I'm looking forward to really getting through my Changeling list. I hate making new years resolutions because by February I've either forgotten or don't care anymore. I'm trying to make life resolutions. Things that endure through the years that can make me better. I hope I can get a few people to go along with me.

Now onto Movies I Saw Last Week...

The Princess and the Warrior - International film starring Franka Potente...One of my fave international actresses (you must see Run Lola Run, The Bourne Identity). This movie was...I really have no words. I liked it but the plot sometimes escaped me and I was lost sometimes. Benno Fürmann, the male lead was gorgeous and brooding which is always good. I wanted them to succeed I really wanted them to be happy. I guess the twists and turns are merely apart of what make it good. 8/10


Shoot 'em up - I was so surprised by this movie that I had to watch it twice before really processing that it was amazing. It was action packed, well played, well shot. The story was completely left field and worked so well but if it had not been this set of actors it would have been a complete disaster. It was borderline greatness and crap and craftily made great because it was done so well. The pieces really fell into the correct place. 9/10


Blood and Chocolate - OK I see what they were trying to do. I get it, but the execution was poor. Saving grace? Olivier Martinez smoking up the screen. Yessir. The blood and chocolate references seemed to fly right over my head, I only really got it when I watched it a second time. 4/10

Pride & Prejudice - Usually Keira Knightley gets on my nerves but shockingly I liked her character and how she portrayed her. I mean as an adaptation of a book it wasn't that bad. It had some funnies and the plot was predictable but sweet. 6.5/10

Make It Happen - OK I know no one is going to know about this movie, it's very similar to Step Up, Save the Last Dance... If you've seen one you've basically seen them all. So girl who can "dance" leaves small town to make it "BIG" fails then makes thrilling comeback of course love interest and disapproving family drama (using word loosely) ensue. *sigh* 4/10

Mutant Chronicles - I'm a fan of Mutants and the like, I'm fascinated by the paranormal. This movies screams low budget but I kinda liked the story. I liked the plot and it wasn't badly executed by the crazy cast. Thomas Jane was just a big plus. 6.5/10

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - It's Harry. I LOVED LOVED LOVED the cinematography of this movie. Loved the way it was portrayed, it was dark, it was funny it was good. I really wanted to box Harry's ears for being such an asshole which was exactly how the book portrayed him. Daniel Radcliffe did a really nice job. Helena Bonham Carter was created for these roles. She is Bellatrix Lestrange. The room of requirement scenes are my fave because we see them as students which the other movies somehow played down. It was a beautiful movie to look at. The movies all seem like a series which of course they are but it always feels like we are suspended in mid air when they end. Anticipating the final movies with bated breath. 8/10

Get Smart - OK. If you say so. It was OK sometimes funny, most times not. I get that he's inefficient but it was very "Mr. Bean" you know when it stopped being funny (Mr Bean movie anyone?) and started to get creepy. Meh... 5/10

Jumper - As seen above I'm a big fan of paranormal science and I loved the premise of this movie but Hayden Christensen bored me to tears. Jamie Bell was much more interesting (and much, much HOTTER) than the stick in the mud. Samuel L. Jackson was his continued crazy self. Clearly with that Diane Lane (Bore) ending there are plans for a Jumper 2. 7/10

1408 - I loved the book and the movie was a pretty good interpretation of it. I felt a little detached from the main character though. I felt terrified when reading the book, terrified for him, for me... terrified. The movies flowed and it was coherent, you can understand what's going on. Which doesn't necessarily happen with most book to film adaptations. 7/10

Jurassic Park - Yes it is my first time watching this movie. I have seen Jurassic Park 3 about a million times but have not seen the first movie. Funny right? So I though it was awesome and can only imagine watching it for the first time when it was first created. CGI has spoiled so many old movies but I tried to think as objectively as possible. The plot was superb and Jeff Goldblum as usual was sexy eccentricity. 8/10

In Bruges - Very engaging. Totally hilarious. Colin Farell, Brendan Gleeson and Ralph Fiennes are genius. The characters a re well developed, the plot was interesting. I instinctively knew what was going to happen though, without reading any spoilers or anything and i prolly would have loved some mystery and suspense but it didn't take much from the movie. 8/10

This is one of the most time consuming posts I've ever done...

Random Thought - I want to be a photographer... so anyone who can help me that would be great. I'm serious...or as serious as I can be.

Happy New Year!

Simply have great year. Live, love and laugh!

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!!!!!!